Self Injury Experiences - Janie

Written by Vanessa

I got sick at age 13. SI had taken over due to depression and psychosis, and later put me in a Foster home. I continued it because it helped me to release my inner torment and allowed me to see myself bleed and suffer on the outside. On the outside it didn't hurt. It would last approximately 1/2 to1 hour and then I'd be suffering all over. At age 19, my therapist, Mary, at United Way, took me to Psych E.R. and had me evaluated. I got admitted. All throughout my 20's I continued to hurt myself, taking out my inner agony on me. I liked the scars. I referred to them as battle wounds when somebody would inquire. I continued to cut my arms all over and, at times, my knees. At times I would have to have stitches. I've had several therapists attempt to help me with SI, though they all failed...The following story I mailed to Vanessa tells what happened later.......

"I haven't cut myself all year..."

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I'm Janie. I suffer from Major Depression, Schizo Affective Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been a cutter since age 13, 26 years ago. I would not injure myself to kill myself, just to take away the agony I felt internally. It would last approximately 1/2 hour and then I 'd be hurting all over. I liked that anybody could see all my slash marks. They would see all the agony I suffered and not bother me at all. And when the therapist would see them, they would understand I'm suffering. When I was younger I had to cover them up. As an adult it didn't matter. Finally, 2 years ago, I got a therapist (Jean). She wrote me a contract 1 year ago, when we had developed enough trust that I would follow a contract. It told me I couldn't hurt myself anymore anywhere, and I can't kill myself no matter what, even if something were to happen to my cat (I love my cat, Baley).

It has been the roughest year. The contract also states that if I had to sign in the hospital voluntarily, that I had to have her say so. So here I go in the hospital every other month and now I have to check with my therapist before I go in, and if she feels I can make it on the outside, I can't go to the hospital. I have been out of the hospital 1 year in January 2001. It has been the hardest time I've ever had. I haven't cut myself all year and I've been out of hospital all year due to contract.. It shocks me because I used to slash myself up on a daily basis, and attempt suicide every other month or so. Now I shave the sides of my head when I feel agonized. It gives me a Mohawk like an Indian going to war, only I am warring with myself.

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