What About My Orgasm?

Now that we have arrived at the new millennium, it is time to take a fresh look at an old sexual problem common in the lives of many women; namely no orgasm during intercourse. This results in concern and disappointment especially to the woman who looks to sex for pleasure and emotional gratification. Since this is a troubling issue to a majority of women let us examine its significant aspects. Many women wonder and sometimes even worry about why they are missing something so important, as coitus reaches its peak moment. Why don't they have an orgasm, a sensation that is normal and should be enjoyed at that time? Occasionally even the partner may comment. An explanation regarded as medically accurate in the past was that this is due to female "frigidity," a word now banned from the vocabulary of writers and speakers on the subject of sex.

In years past this would have definitely been a "hush-hush" topic. But the time is now and the door has been opened to allow and even encourage efforts to understand the psychological complications that can get in the way of a happy, satisfying sex life. By taking a look at some of the trip-up spots in a woman's journey to full sexual pleasure, it may very well be possible to uncover and toss away a few of them.

It is an accepted fact that a woman is capable of having an orgasm. The question is what are the obstacles. Unnecessary limits that may have been implanted in our thoughts can have the power to determine how we act. Let us consider a few of these possible restrictions to see what can be done to reduce their damage. A major problem obviously can be the quality of the relationship existing between the partners. In the situations about to be described, we shall assume that love does exist in order to focus solely upon sex. If not, the issue is the relationship and not the sex. In the case of women who worry about being "normal" because at times they do have an orgasm but never during intercourse, it is important for them to understand that orgasm is the peak response to stimulation however it is reached. The manner by which that climax is achieved is of much less importance than the pleasure and relaxation that follow.

Stimulation can be arrived at through a variety of actions, some at times more enjoyable than others; but many women are reluctant to express their preferences. The path to orgasm can be freed of stumbling blocks by informing the partner of what gives real pleasure. Additionally, general body caressing is an important prelude to moving toward the vaginal area and should be encouraged by words or body responses. My clinical experience has also suggested that varying positions from time to time maintains a level of interest in intercourse that prevents it from becoming just the same old routine.

Anxieties and distractions are intruders during love-making. Taking them to bed guarantees no orgasm. Questions and concerns deserve attention, but at a time and place where a useful answer is available. Worrying about "what's wrong with me" will only prolong the problem. To the worriers, I urge starting in a relaxed state.

Then there is the old baggage all of us automatically cart along. It is not heavy, but it can certainly weigh us down at times. Unfortunately a prime location for being weighed down can be the bedroom. Parents who instill in us the rules for "proper" behavior sometimes hide in an unseen nook in that room. Their voices can be heard whispering just at the moment a woman is about to try relaxing into the sexual activity going on. This often occurs without any conscious awareness. Unfortunately, Mom or perhaps Dad neglected to mention when and where it is o.k. to let loose and that it might even be a good idea.

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Orgasm requires letting go. Worrying about being normal, about conflicts in the relationship, and especially the cautioning voices of parents, inevitably cause a woman to tighten up emotionally and physically. Telling your partner what feels good, experimenting with different positions and focusing only on the moment at hand are the freeing-up tactics. Let go of expectations and drift on to thoughts about loving, being loved and to whatever else peaks the excitement. Then let the flame flare.

Dorothy Strauss, Ph.D., has published chapters in medical textbooks and papers on sexuality and relationship problems. She has served as Associate Professor of Psychiatry for the State University of New York. She currently has a private practice and teaches seminars.

Next: He's Got A Headache!  Now What?

Written in 2000. Last reviewed: 11/05

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