Me? Sexual Problems

Men don't like to admit to sexual problems, especially their own.

Women are much more ready to admit ignorance, to find fault with their own behavior, and to look for ways of making things better. Compare women's magazines with men's. The women's magazines have articles on improving sex and fixing problems in virtually every issue. Playboy and Penthouse almost never have such articles. Since so much rides on a man's being good, or at least adequate, in sex, it's very difficult for men to hear they have a problem in this area.

A lot of these differences are things that both sexes have taken heat about. Women are often criticized by partners for their relative lack of interest, not initiating enough, wanting too much foreplay, and taking too long to get aroused or to orgasm. Men have been scolded for every single item on the list. I think the criticism is unfortunate and gets us nowhere. In a sense, everyone is doing what comes naturally, whether naturally be defined as what's built in or what's been learned over the years.

While it is true that we have to learn to accommodate to each other, I don't think blame and accusations or feeling guilty is going to help. We have to feel good about ourselves to have decent relationships and sex. A man should not have to feel guilty for looking at or fantasizing about younger women, for desiring sex without love, or anything else that he is or feels. But neither, on the other hand, should he denigrate his partner. It's fine if you have fantasies about the college girl next door, but it's something else if you make comments about her in front of your lover that imply your lover is inadequate. It's fine if you sometimes want a quickie -- perhaps you can arrange it with your partner -- but it is not fair to complain that you can't have them all the time or that she takes too long to turn on.

The male ways of expressing love and sex are really OK. And so are the female ways. The better we understand and feel about ourselves and each other, the more likely we will be able to make the changes we desire in our sex lives and elsewhere.

From "The New Male Sexuality" by Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD. Copyright © 1992 by Bernie Zilbergeld.

Last updated: 8/05

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