Self Injury Stories and Recovery Tips

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These are the stories of self injury and the path to recovery. Maybe you can identify with the writers. Maybe you can learn from their self injury stories.

When you're done reading, you can share your story too.

Name - Nickname - Email Address

Self-Injury Bulletin Board, Self Injury Bulletin Board

Heather -

Comments - The first time I hurt myself, I was about 8 years old. I scratched a hole in my hand. It stopped for a while, then resurfaced in my teen years. Everything from burning to hitting to razor blades. But i'm not here to tell you about my last cut or how good it feels. Yes I remember, about three years ago, the last time i felt thet hard, cold, sharp edge slice through my delicate skin. I remember watching the blood seep out. When I first started with razor blades i would wipe the blood on a napkin, then fold it up and put it in a box i kept. I can list a thousand reasons why we turn to this. A family members hands went where they where not suppose to be... for me my grandfather and my brother. Or our parents where never there... my grandmother raised me... my mom was a drugged out slut. And it comes down to the fact that we feel like no one understands, no one cares. But I am here to tell you today, that there is. I an say it best in a poem i wrote... I've found what you're looking for, The undying, unconditional love you crave. The friend you need who is always there. I've found an alternative to alcohol and cutting A high no drug can compare to. I've found a light that drives away darkness, And joy that comes from within. I've found loving arms that never let me go. I've found peace and forgiveness of my past, Strength and courage for the present, Hope and promise for the future. I've found Jesus, my Lord and Savior, And He's waiting for you. I'm no offering you a religion. There was a time i sat in church three times a week and still was cutting every night. I am offering you a relationship. He created you, He understands you, and He can fix what is broken. psalm 147:3 "...He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds..." Luke 5:31,32 "...Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance." The devil has many trapps to keep us in bondage... alcohol, drugs, sex, lies and self mutilation.

Japher - christiandarks@hotmail.com

Comments - I come to you all in worry, anger and torment...I just found out that my freind was raped...i hate the crime...I have seen it before...and every time I see it I HEAR a girl scream...I hate it...people...I want you all to pray for the girl...I also want you all...including me to write a letter to bush asking that there will be a law pushed that the punishment for a rapist should be either hanging, decapitaion, or cannibalism...I wish that you all will do this so that this crime can be stoppped...please..

Emily - etj1226@aol.com

Comments - I had this boyfriend, we were in love, when I thought about it I realized I wasn't happy with him, so I broke up with him. Little did I know that this would be the start of my Cutting Disorder. I used to come home from school do my homework and right before bed I would cut my arm with a saftey pin and thumg tack. It never bled so I didn't worry. But then this past year I starting to do it more often and I knew it was getting out of hand. I told my recent boyfriend about it and he told me that I was much too strong of a person to do such a thing to myself and asked me to stop. At first it was hard with the things that were going on in my family, with my friends at school, and school work. But as I thought about I realized that I didn't need cutting to get rid of that emotional pain I was feeling. I was dreaming of much too many things to throw it all away on soemthing like cutting. I never thought I would ever be in this sort of situation but now that I look back on it I realized that certain things like cutting for example, can happen to anyone at any time and I just thank God that he gave me such a wonderful to help me with this disorder. I just want to say that, cutting is really serious and you don't have to be any certain type of person to do it, it coul dhappen to anyone. If you know someone with this affliction, please get them help, it only takes once to slip and hit the worng place on your arm, leg, etc. to kill yourself. Please get them help.

paige - jphottie55@yahoo.com

Comments - hey my name is paige and im 13 years old i have been cutting for around 1 year because of the issues at home. I had a stepdad and mom that waz very abussive. i also had 2 little brothers that i took care of because my parents vere never counsious. I turned to cutting as a way to get out, a way to relive that pain inside. One day while i waz visiting my dad (he lived 1 hour away and new nothing about the home life) he accidently seen my arm and askd me why and all. I told him about the home life and he offered help. He did not make me go back to my moms house, instead he got emergancy custady of me and my little brother. He took me to the hospital and they would not keep me for treatment because they said that i was not sucidal. After that there was a huge court trial that lasted around 4 months. i managed not to cut in all that time. Now im living with my dad, stepmom, brother, and little sister. Im really happy now but every once in a while i feel like cutting and in around 3 months time i have only cut 3 times and that is a big step for me.

MARTY - CCASTRO@RRUNNER.COM

Comments - WOW I DIDN'T THINK ANY ONE WOULD RESPOND TO ME AND MY STORY OF SELMUTILATION... IT REALLY MEANS SOMETHING TO ME-THAT MAYBE THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO CARES AND WENT THREW THE SAME THINGS AS ME:)

MARTY - CCASTRO1@RRUNNER.COM

Comments - ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND RECENTLY BROKE UP IT MADE ME TAKE A HUGE FALL. I WAS SO DEPRESSED I DIDN'T EAT FOR A WEEK AND GOT SICK FOR TWO! BUT IT GETS WORSE-ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND GO ON THE SAME BUS SO ONE DAY I DECIDED TO GO UP TO HER AND SAY I AM SORRY I DID BUT LITTLE DID I KNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN THE NEXT DAY. I WENT ON THE BUS AND SAT IN THE BACK(THERE WAS NO EMPTY SEATS IN THE FRONT) SHE CAME AND SAT WITH ME. SHE PULLED OUT THIS HUGE RING; SILVER WITH 10 REAL DIMONDS!!! I FREAKED SHE SAID"ITS A PROMIS RING SO THAT WE WILL NEVER LIE TO EACHOTHER AGAIN" BUT I COULDENT DO THAT-JUST JUMP BACK INTO A UNSTABLE RELATIONSHIP THAT COULD DESTROY US BOTH. SHE FREAKED AND THREW THE RING OUT THE WINDOW. SHE GOT OFF ON MY STOP AND WE STARTED ARGUEING. AFTERWARDS SHE O'D AND WENT TO THE HOSPITOL. SHE WAS HAVING LIVER FAILURE AND SIEZURES. I WENT TO GO SEE HER. I FEALT LIKE IT WAS ALL MY FALUT AND IT WAS. SO SHE WENT BACK TO THE "LOONEY BIN" I WAS SO MQAD AND DEPPRESSED AT MYSELF I TRIED TO KILL MY SELF AND MY PRARENTS FOUND OUT THE SAW THE GASHMARKS AND CUTS AND CIGARRETT BURNS ON MY BODY. SO RIGHT NOW I AM GOING TO THE "LOONEY BIN" FOR A SICHOLOGICAL EVALUATION. WHICH MEANS 4 WEEKS GOING TRULY INSANE. WHAT SHOULD I DO? SHOULD I STAY THERE AND GET HELP? OR ANYTHING ELSE? GOD!!!!!!!!!

lindsey - punkmeetsprep_16@yahoo.com

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lindsey - punkmeetsprep_16@yahoo.com

Comments - i am turning 17 this month well in april... i have been cutting since the 6th grade and i havnt been able to stop at all. i am now in 11th grade and i sometimes wish that i could but there are times when ive tried to stop but its so hard and you know that everytime you do it itll work so you do it. i try everyday to not do it and its been a long tim until recently and all i wan is to get out of my house in a year and be done you know it never goes away... you have to get away from it.( i dont mean with suicide i mean you have to be strong and fina a way that you can get free.)

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marie - dbzinu_yasha

Comments - i started my cutting when my mom left i got so mad at her i just grabed the nife and cut my ankle this girl at school showed me her scares and i rembered that so i thought that might help i whant to tell this people that might be able to help me but every time i try to i stope and think how they might react to it and i get scared and they might seend me to the nut house.

heather - chickenkickin@hotmail.com

Comments - Three years ago I was there. I self injured for about 15, off and on; steady for four years. No therapist, no pill could ever do for me what Jesus did. Not religion, but a relation ship. Psalm 147:3 "He shall heal the brokenhearted and bound up their wound." He loves you, He understnads and there are people who care.

shanny - shanny@metacrawler.com

Comments - I have been a cutter for 6 years, i have been bulimic and i have purposely burned myself to feel anything besides the costant pain all i can think about is dying. I have been diagnosed with PTSD from being child molested when i was younger. I don't see what good living is

Kay - RoxyChic930@msn.com

Comments - well im 15 and i've been cutting for about 4 years. Ever since i was little i've always been depressed.. in most part to the fact that i have little or no selfasteem and that i loath myself sooo much. When i was little(well even now) my dad and I used to fight and it would always end the same way.. it would be him hitting me repeatedly (I still have nightmeres where i wake up crying). It seems like no matter how much i would try i was never good enough for him and that i was just another stupid kid... one day when i was 11 i just couldn't take it anymore and i locked myself in my room... when i was laying in my bed i saw this razorblade on my dresser and for some reason i had this urge to grab it and to cut myself.. when i did i didn't even feel any pain i just felt releaved. Ever since then i've cut. Just resently i decided i wanted to stop..(it sounds alot easier than it is)Its been sooo hard for me(especially when me and my dad get into our fights) Like it kind of became a part of me everytime i feel even remotly unhappy the first thought that comes to mind is "i wanna cut omg i need to cut" and its really hard not to listen to it. I've been trying sooo hard because i know that if i dont stop one day cuttings not ganna be enough for me and i would end up killing myself and i dont want that to happen. So hopefully i will be able to overcome this and be strong enough to stop....If anyone can relate or even just wants to talk just e-mail me and i'll love to talk to whom ever.

david - five_star_reject@lukotykrecords.com

Comments - so i recently accepted that i've falling into the downward sprial of day to day life and can not seem to climb back out to the surface. Alot of shits been going down since the start of the year. I've broken ties with my grandma and aunt who were very close to me in my early years of life... I have completely lost faith in a higher power... I have known more people to die in the last year than I have known in my life... and not from aging, but violence, stress induced complications, or disease. I lost the joy of my passion, music. My wife and I are expecting our first child, and I feel lifeless inside. Nothing seems worth caring about, and its hard to keep up motivation through out the days. I hardly sleep well if I sleep. For years I have struggled to teach and train myself in music so I could follow a dream. Dreams to me are just long term goals. However, my dreams are to not to score films or see the world... rather to care about the things I have loved. Normally when I sleep, I have a nightmare that creeps me out. This week I have had two of the worse dreams ever. One I will never tell a soul. The other cause me to cut into the top of my thumb for about an inch using my thumb nail. I am still confused about where I was when I realized I had done it, that being cleaning up the blood with the sheets in my bed, or in the bathroom. My wife says there are no bloody sheets nor tissues and that I only woke complaining that my finger hurt and that I was going to die. I know that I slept walked the night before and was in complete confusion. I am seeking therapy for depression and have always had issues with sleep. Is this something anyone has experienced before? Could it simply be stress enduced? I really don't think I can handle this. I'm not sure how to make this shit stop.

Corinne - cori_n_the_dark@yahoo.com

Comments - I am thirteen years old. The story of what I refer to as my problems goes back to before I can remember. As long as I can remember, when I was angry or scared, or if I felt any emotion that is considered negative, I would scratch my arms with my fingernails until I had raised welts on my arms. I have only been cutting, however for a year, and only a few days ago did I find that this is so common a problem. Only a few know of my practice. I have told a few and others have seen the marks. My boyfriend has been trying to get me to quit, but no matter how much I want to it seems I can't. The only reason I'm in a good mood now is that I cut about 40 minutes ago. And currently, blood still runs down my arm. I know I need help, but I couldn't tell my parents. That would hurt them, to know what their daughter does to herself, but I have a grim feeling that I must either tell them, or the razor blade will slip and I'll be found dead. If anyone can identify or would like to talk, e-mail me, or Y! messenger s/n is cori_n_the_dark -- AIM s/n is crimson1betrayed

crystal - gurrsgirl3@yahoo.com

Comments - when i was growing up i would cut myself in the tub while taking a bath way before i knew what i was doing so around the first grade i was picked on everyday until i graduated high school i was so depressed and i hid it from my parents i wouldnt eat i weighed 88 pounds in 9th grade i couldnt sleep i had headaches, diareah, you name it i had it all because i was so sad ... at 10 yrs old i put my parents gun to my head and wanted soooo much to pull the trigger but ive never been strong enough to die . i knew something was wrong so i searched the net and discoverd the term depression i thought i was clinical but know at 26 ive been diagnosed with bipolar disorder ....im on depakote and so far thats all but i still battle a lot with self pitty and i do hate myself and cut alot but i have over the last ten yrs gotten alot better i know ill never be happy like i would want to be but i do still wish i had done it after all these yrs

Kristina - another_dumb_blonde831@hotmail.com

Comments - when i was younger i used to get beat and told that i wasnt pretty enough or i wasnt the way my parents wanted me to be. i had dreams about what would happen if i wasnt here. would everyone be happier? i used to think so. when i was in seventh grade, i started to cut myself. i would go in my room for hours at a time and just sit there with a knife in my hand and start rubbing iot on my wrist. then one day i just said ok this is it. after i did it, i just sat there crying. but i kept on going. i didnt know when to stop. and then in my freshman year i was wearing a short sleeve shirt and my brst friend noticed the scars and was asking me about it. i finally told her and because of her, i quit. she helped me through it and i found out that all i really needed was a friend to talk to but in the begining i was too afraid to talk to anyone about it because i thought taht they would think that i was crazy. but im just happy that she helped me through it because if she wouldnt hav listened to me i really dont think that i would be here.

Elle - elleespinosa@fuse.net

Comments - i jus started cutting 2 nights ago...i have 35 cuts already i need someone to talk to..

Monika - MDown234@aol.com

Comments - I appreciated all of your stories as I am writing an article on cutting for a magazine. Do any of you cut because you just feel really stressed out and pressured to do better at school? I also wanted to tell you about a hotline called 1 800 DONT CUT. They may be able to help you. If you live in or near the San JOse, CA area, would you email me? I want to hear your stories and understand. Thanks, Monika

Alyssa - bubblesrck032791@yahoo.com

Comments - My name is alyssa and i have been cutting for the best year or so. Things at home sucks i cought my mom cheating on my dad she moved out. =\ seeing my dad cry and wondering what he did wrong. Friends say they care when they would really care less if you die bleeding? I take anti-depressentd and they don't work its like a drug and you THINK it works.

Cheyenne - shybaby66@yahoo.com

Comments - It really isn't my self injury story it is my friends. She cuts & burns her self. I want to help her in stopping. How do I? How did you? And for the people who don't what do you think about it? Are you for, or against it?

Brandy - PeachyGirlBrandy@aol.com

Comments - Hello i am an 18 yer old girl who is a cutter.. I have been cutting since i was 15 and that was when the closest thing to a father figure died He was my grandpa. He was the only one around when i was younger cause my dad was a truck driver and was never home!! When my grandpa died i actually went into shock, i didnt really know what to say but i was woke up at 4 in the morning and was told my granpa died i just looked at my mom and bursted into tears.. I was so messed up after i was told he died.. So a few months later we moved away from my grandma and thats when i started cutting my self i still cant beleave he is dead i still cut too... After i first cut myself i thought omg i can actually feel good. Because untill then i felt empty inside like my soul was ripped out of my body.... So i started little and only cut with some dull scisors then started cutting myself with toe nail clippers because i knew it would cut twice at once. So i still cut them.. Sometimes i wish i didnt cut myself and sometimes i am actually happy i do cause when i do i am a little happier then normal... But the mane thing i am scared about is when i do cut myself i sometimes go into this like fantasy world and dont realize how deap i am cuttin and how hard i am cutting until i am done and my whole arm is blood red and blood is comeing out. Then i freak out because i actually didnt know i was cutting my self i mean when i cut myself it's like i am not in my body and i just keep cutting and cutting So i guess thats why i wish i didnt cause one day i might just cut so deep i hit a vane sometimes i wish i did so i wouldnt have to be here and be in a large amount of pain and just die so i will be better And then i think well my family will morun forever and wonder why!! So i am looking for someone to talk to and someone who needs someone to listen to there problems cause it is hard to find someone who understands all about cutting and burning there self.. Because most people make fun of me where ever i go and they see my cuts and say ur dumb for wanting to cut ur own skin!! Even doctors do well they dont actually say ur dumb or ur stupid, the look they give me when they see my cuts well that say's enough!! so i am looking for someone to talk to and to listen to there problems as well someone who understands!! so just imme or write me.. Thanks

pamela - red_ruby01@hotmail.com

Comments - i have been cutting for about half a year, im 14 and i had an older boyfriend, and with older boys they would usally expect sex, but i never gave it to him and he sed that was okay n i believed that he could wait for when i was ready, unil oneday he accually got it in n i freaked n kiked him out but then forgave him, i sed no to him so i guess that is rape, after that i thought of myself as cheap and dirty so i started to cut myself which made me emotionlly feel better but physicly distroyed me i was always thinking of suicide and the ways that i could conquer that, i have scars on my wrists andlegs and arms and i just wanted to no if any1 would lyk to talk to me about this cause i need some1 just to share my stories, thanx :)

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

Comments - i dont know what to do right now. i really want to cut. but i dont want too... i know that im contradicting myself there, but thats how i feel. i realy liked this guy... we dated for 9 months. and then out of the blue he dumped me. we didnt have a fight or anything... he just randomly decided to dump me. that was a long time ago... actually it happened in september. why cant i get over him. i've never told anyone that i still cry b/c of him. i told him that i loved him. why did i do that??? and why is all fo this just coming back to me now??? i want to know why he did that. he dosen't care. so why do i??? i told him that im a cutter. maybe thats what drove him away. i want him to know what i've been going through. i want him to be in the hospital, all alone, with doctors asking questions about scars, and why you cut. i want him to feel alone. i want him to feel a little bit of this pain. but not all of it. i could never wish this on anyone. why do i still love him??? all i have left is the memories, and right now i just want to forget.

Jen - Mexifern811@aol.com

Comments - I'm 19 and have been a cutter since my junior year of high school. I was 16, filled with anger I didn't know how to handle, low self esteem, high anxiety, and I was depressed. Ever since i was little I've had trouble dealing with my parents arguing, emotions I was taught not to show, and issues with myself that i couldn't handle. When i was little I'd hurt myself by pinching, poking, and stabbing my "private parts", not ever really understanding what I was doing, or why I was doing it. All I knew is that I was deeply ashamed of this, it was my little gross, weird and disgusting secret, and I was only about 8 or 9 years old. So my actual cutting started when I was 16. The cutting was a relief, an out pour of emotions I could not show. (I was unable to cry the entire time) The pain was my outlet, the only way I could make my body release all the anxiety I was feeling. I did not make deep cuts, instead I made scratches that would raise like a welt and bleed very little. This seeme to bring a slower steady pain, than a quick deep incision might. I would cut in stages. I'd cut for a few days, then try my hardest to go the week without it. I slowly learned to take myself off of the 'addiction' I had developed. My best friends sister was also a cutter, so we would try to help each other, and slowly we each took along time to get better, but we got there. I worked really hard at keeping my scars and cuts hidden, and now they are very faint, only I and my best friend can point them out. I've been a recovered S.I for the past two years, but still have days or weeks that I wish I could cut again. Thankfully I've been able to fight the temptation. I now try my best to council my younger brother who just turned 14 and had been cutting since about the same time I started. He must have been about 10 or 11. I also talk to a few people online, trying to help their situations, trying to help them to stop cutting, or just listening to what they're dealing with. I'd like to become a child psychologist and try to help adolescents who are dealing with depression, anorexia/bulimia, abuse, S.I, anxiety, suicide, personlity disorders or any other problems they are facing. I only hope my story can be of some help to someone who feels they are the only one going through this. I think, if anything, my past will allow me to better understand my patients once I become a psychologist. If anyone reads this wants to talk, or needs anything, feel free to email me. :~)

Alice -

Comments - im 12 im a cutter and have been for over a year now "STOP DOING THIS" AND "you need help" are what so many people have told me but i cant bring myself to stop and personaly i dont want to stop i love the feeling of the blade against my skin and blood running down my arm it makes me smile it feels like im slowly drifting off in to a peceful sleep i havent had anything bad happen to me im just a cutter some people are born that way is what i think so you may judge me as a psycho i promise i am my AIM screen name is MadHatterPW if any one wants to talk to me

heather - chickenkickin@hotmail.com

Comments - I know how you feel, I've been on your side of the line and I know how hard it is to make it to this side and to stay. If any one needs advice, encouragment or just someone to talk with, please e-mail me.

Sybil3 - RobClbrts7@aol.com

Comments - I had to put my little sons in foster care after diagnosed w/ MPD as my life was out of control and so were they. I wasn't well enough in 18 mths so I went for Gaurdianship so they would stay mobilized and together. It was 3 weeks after signing papers at a school play they made known they were out to steal my sons emotionally. I cried all the way home as I felt their pain being abused and kidnapped myself and stolen emotionally and I don't know if I felt more their pain or mine but only a steak knife could relieve the emotional pain. I went on to razor blades for the next two years as I saw them every two weeks. My healing deliverance came when I was reading a book called "Imbroglio" about boarderlines ,which I also was, and it said they used the drug "Navane"ot thiothixene, for MPD self- mutalators and men w/ angry out butsts. After two weeks on this med, 20 or 30 mgs a day, I stopped compulsivly cutting and wondered how I ever could have done that to myself.

michelle -

Comments - hey guys (and girls) i started cutting when i was maybe 10. it was all because of a trip my church was taking to an amusement park. i'm not a very religios person, but my mom is. she really wanted me to go. we were still aruguing about it at 3:00 in the morning. after i finally decided to go(because it would shut her up) she went to bed and i went to my room. i decided to do something before i realized what i was doing. all of a sudden i found myself in th base ment holding a knife. the first time i was kind of scared to go to deep...scared of the pain. as i got used to it i got to go deeper and deeper. eventually (in 6th grade) word got out about me my crush (at the time)saw me digging into my skin with a saftey pin. i had about 8 other scars on my wrist at the time. he came over to me to see what was going on. he saw my blood and walked off as fast as he could.eventually he brought his friend over to see my wrist. they walked off to where they thought i couldn't hear them talking about what a DUMBASS i was. i finally stopped because that really made me reilize how stupid it was.

Mary Kate Nicholsom -

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Billi Nicholson - sparrowkid91@yahoo.com

Comments - . before i start, I am a girl. Billi is a nickname that everyone calls me. ok now on with my story. it started in august 2004. i was 13 at that moment. my mom came out of the closet. yup. my mom is gay. anyways the monday after Thanksgiving i couldnt stand it. My dad (who i live with) was always on the phone with his girlfriend. OMG!!! how i hated her!!! i decided to cut. i wanted to see what would happen. when i got to school, my friends kept grabing my arm right where i cut. i wasnt used to all the pain and oviously they all found out. none of them told anyone. they made me promise never to cut again. A month later, January, my boyfriend and i broke up cause i realized i was bi. he just screamed at me and of course, i went home and started to cut again. i got so "high" on the pain killer my body was making that i dont remeber what happened that night. i woke up and realized i was in pain. i looked at my arm but i didnt find the cuts. i sat up and realized i had a bandage on m upper arm. when i pulled it off i saw the word "MILES" carved in it. it hit me that i carved the name the dude who was hurting me the most. i ran to school and went to my math teacher who knew about it the first time and told him. he still hasnt told my parents. then right before my b-day, i cut again. it was March 6. i was at my friends b-day party. 2 of my friends noticed i had done it again. the b-day boy noticed that my friends were mad and dragged me to his room and made me tell him everything. the next day he asked me out and i was like "YUSSSSSS" i was so happy. later that month, March 28 i started to cut but on my upper arm. it was easier to hide from everyone. the dae right now as i write this April 10, 2005. i am going to tell my boyfriend i started again. Then i am going to my math teacher to go try to get help. none of parents know about any of this. Mr. Tran ( the math teacher) i am hoping he will be able to help me without telling my parents. if you ever feel like cutting i will say a couple of things. 1) DONT!!!!!!! 2) if you are gunna, clean it, it wont scar that much 3)get a cat, then make it look like the cat did it 4) NEVER WISH TO GO DEEPER. WISH TO STOP AND LIVE;TO DIE IS SIMPLE, BUT LIVE...THAT IS MUCH HARDER! thanks for reading. e-mail me if you want. o yeah and my B-day is MArch 8...i dont know why i am telling you but hey! good luck and remeber people love you and life will always get better.

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

Comments - i dont know what to do. i dont really feel good... i think its from the prozac, so it don't eat as much as i used to. but i keep loseing weight... and i really dont feel good. so if i eat, i feel like crap for the rest of the day, and if i dont eat, i lose weight, and my friends get angry. oh wait... what friends??? i dont know what to do about that either. theres this one girl, and over the summer we did almost EVERYTHING together when she wasn't gone. we were BEST FRIENDS. and now theres this other girl. i work with her, and i love her to bits and everything, but she's come inbetween me and my best friend. all my best friend talks about anymore is how here and this other girl did whatever on the weekend, or how they're going sailing together this week. whats wrong with me??? why do i always have to be the outsider??? i've never really had a true friend untill i met this girl, and now she's pulling away from me. is it b/c i cant stop cutting??? am i just imagining this??? whats happening??? why cant i just be normal??? i wish that i had a friend to hug... i want someone to hug me and just let me cry. does that sound stupid?? i know that no one's going to read this anyways, but i had to vent this out. i just really need a friend.

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

Comments - I draw fake relief across my skin and i can feel it flow it reaches deep into my core as far as it can go. a false release comes and it drips out of me adding a hint of red to my tear filled sea. i hate this stupid blade that cuts my pain apart i hate that way i used it on my bloody broken heart.

Becky C. - a7x_child@yahoo.com

Comments - Hi my name is Becky , I'm 13 yrs old, and i have been S/Iing sence the 5th grade, and i am now in the 7th grade. When i was in the 5th grade i always picked at the top of my hands realy bad, and on my arms...just becuase i guess i liked the sensation of the pain it brought me. I was abused by my father realy bad ever sence i could barely walk...and i guess the pain i brought to myself made the pain that was brought from him, fade. The 6th grade my mom moved away to Colorado, and it realy affected me deeply, no-one knew about it for awhile until around the middle of the school yr, but i started to cut myself with knives. My best friend only knew about it and about how i was abused at the time, she was very sad about my major issues. I found out that she'd cry every night becuase of my actions and my fathers actions towords me...i should've stopped bcuz i made my best friend depressed over me...but instead i punished myself more bcuz of my stupid life and how i was abused, and i hurt my friends feelings. In the 7th grade i was out of controlle with my cutting and my picking...just living 3 months streaght with out school and with my dad .. made me un-stopable, i would cut every where, at school in class, in JYM, friends houses, every where!!! but then the school found out and then told my father...i was arrested for having a knife at school and they emmidietly thought i was suicidal...i was escorted to my house where there my father was waiting for my news. After the cop left, my dad through around the house like never before in my life, he grabbed a knife and and stuck it my neck and was wanting to kill me! but instead he just poked/jabbed my gut alil. Months went by and i grew very depressed, i would attemped to pop pills but then end up throwing up , becuase in fear of my father if my death did not work out. one day i called my mom crying saying that i wanted to live with her and i told her all about how i could not call her bcuz my dad wuld kill me....well the next day my mom bought a tickit to denver and the next morning with no one know-one knowing where i am..i was off to my moms. i escaped the abuse and i am now healing with my mom at my side. I'm at a new school called Mann Middle School, and i'm still adjusting to it, kinda afraid to make some friends bcuz i want to make some that will understand my past and my cutting isssues....but idk i'm just to here and i escaped. i am free now.

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

Comments - it hurts. everything hurts. i wish that i could wake up one day with amnesia, so that i wouldn't remember anything about what i've done. no one understands my pain. i guess i deserve it, b/c i started cutting... but part of me dosnt' want to believe that.

heather - neosamoose@yahoo.com

Comments - I am a youth worker who is working alongside many young people who self harm. We are meeting for a youth event and one of session topics is depression and self-harm. I am trying to better understand the reasons and feelings leading to self-injury and how as a leader I can best address the issue in a group setting. This is something I have not struggled with and so am wanting to be as sensitive as possible. If anyone would be willing to help me understand more in order to be of some assistance to those teens I work alongside.

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

Comments - I guess this is good-bye. not that anyone would care, or miss me or anything. I thought that these suicidal feelings were gone... i thought that i was back to just being a cutter. i guess i was wrong. why is all of this coming back to me??? why right now??? everything's happening all at once... my uncle has cancer, someone im close to is moving away, a kid in my class died. why all of this now??? it would be so easy to just slit my wriste. i dont really want to die... but i feel like i need it. why??? thats all i know to ask anymore, is why??? but no one ever answers me.

Dani - surfer1824@hotmail.com

Comments - well i thought about cutting all through 11th grade but i didnt start until last summer.(I am a senior about to graduate now, so the summer before senior year). I had been suffering from an eating disorder and i was just so numb i decided to try it. It all started when i was on Vacation in Califronia. There i had to put on a happy face and attempt to eat normally to avoid questions. I became so frusturated and felt out of control because i couldnt control my food right then. I then deicded to take some little thing i found in my bathroom and cut my arm. I did that about 5 times in the 10 days i was up there. They started out as just little cuts that didnt mean anything, but somtimes i even carve words into my skin. Over the past year i have been in and out of thearpy for the cutting and eating disorder. Lately i havent been doing it very often, maybe once every 2 months.

heather - chickenkickin@hotmail.com

Comments - Morgan, God loves you and that is a reason WHY NOT TO DO IT!

nikki - brandi_burch@hotmail.com

Comments - I have been cutting for around 6 months. The first day I forgot my arm band my art teacher saw. She reported me to my counser. Now I am on an Anti-depressent and I have therepy once a week. I dont think its helping I am still cutting. Dont you ever feel like you just need a break some time to think all to your self. I dont mean like a few hours I mean a month or two or six. I thought about checking myself into a treatment center after Graduation. Has anyone ever been in a center for this. If someone will eamil me just to let me know I am not alone I would appreciate it!

Hayley - ShiyahGirl@aol.com

Comments - I feel kinda odd writing my story for all to see but here goes. Oh and by the way I cant spell for beans. I am 14 and about two years ago I moved from one city to another. At my new school I had a great group of friends and all the stuff you worry about when you move was all great. But I wanted attention from this one guy Alex so first I told him I WAS a cutter, but that I was fine now. Now mind you I had never cut before in my life and the thought at that time was sickening. But I got his attention and it had worked! We where going out (I don't think that we where going out because of my "past" but now that I look at it I think he felt guilty). But he left for the summer to go on a trip with his family and I panicked the only thing going through my head at the time was what if he looses intrest and wont care once he gets back. So right before he left I cut myself for real and showed him, he didn't really care at the time. While he was gone I perfected my skills and got hooked. He came back and I quit because I didn't want cut marks while I was in high school (for dances and stuff). So close to our year long anniversary we broke it off, and I went into a deep depression. He was my first ever serious relationship and I had failed. I couldn't take the pain that I was holding in my self so I started cutting again. Ever cutting session I got deeper and deeper. I tried so hard to keep a happy face on the out side because I didn't want people to know what I was feeling, because to tell you the truth I couldn't even tell you. My close girl friends started to see a difference in the way I talked and I barely ever laughed anymore, so they talked to me about it and I hated having people know I was hurting inside. But it just kept building and building to the point I wanted a was out. I started saying "i love you" and "it has been fun" to people I barely hung out with. Then one day I decided that it was the day and I was going to kill my self. The Friday before that I look around when I was at school and just looked at the faces of people I was planing to never see again, and I liked that I was going to go. I liked that I was going to finally have my revenge agents Alex and all the people who said they "cared about me." So that following Monday I told my mom I was sick and couldn't go to school. Then that after noon when I was all alone and lonely I cut my wrist so bad I could stick the razor in the width of my pinkie nail. And that was far for me. I then got light headed and sleepy from losing all the blood and I remember thinking that that is it I will take a nap and never wake up. But I was wrong, the phone rang and I woke up. It was my mother checking up on me. I failed again, it didn't work. So I was vary calm and said that I was fine and I was going to just watch tv for a while, so I did I calmed down and thought that I will try again another day. A week went by and I called my brother and told what I did. He didn't freak but the next day my mom comes home early from work and said that Jayn called (my bro's girlfriend) and she told my mom that something serious was going on with me and she should know what it is. She did didn't tell my mom but she came over that night and told me I need to tell my mother or else she would. I wish she had, tell my mother was the worst thing I have ever done. She was mad and crying and just crazy with emotions. I didn't tell her because I knew she would not take the news in a good way. Though I do have to say she took it better then I thought. By this time Alex and I have become best friends (I know kinda odd) and I told him about my attempts (I told him for attention again) and he told his school counselor. BAD move they called me in to "talk." And after they called my mother and filled in the details that I hadn't told her like about the suicide attempt. Yeah if she didn't freak before well she did then. But I stopped cutting because she checks my arms. Now I am doing okay. Last week a kid at my school killed him self and the feelings rushed back. Sadly, I want to even more but I just cant put my family through more pain. Specially now that a little one is on the way. Yes, more stress is not an option! I would love for people to e-mail me if they need someone to talk to. I am good at advise because I have been there.

kylie - cynicalbeautiful@hotmail.com

Comments - Yea, I cut. Ive been cutting for about 3 years now. I'm one of those cutter's who doesn't fit the sterotype. I havent had a normal life, or a nice life to say. I'm not complaining either, i know my life hasn't been the worst, but it hasnt been quite great either. Anyway, I'm 15 and I'm obsessed with cutting. It all started in 7th grade when i was 12. I had been neglected for years and i was very sad, All i wanted was attention, i guess i found it. I saw an oprah show talking about cutters. I couldnt believe that people could do that to themselves. But i saw how much attention they got and thats were it all began. I started doing eraser burns, taking an eraser and rubbing off my skin. It got me my much needed attention, and for a while i was good. Then i realized how good it felt. from then on i continued to burn with erasers, then i took hot metal and branded myself, and finally i started holding open flames to my arms and burning that way. This went on for a few months, getting worse everyday. Then one day i found an exacto knife razor. I wanted to see what cutting felt like. So i cut, it was wierd, the first time blood came from my wounds that is. I was instantly hooked. I cut so often, i was spending half of my day at school in the bathroom bleeding. And unlike most cutters, im severly suicidal, so one day i attempted. I was taken to a psychiartic hospital and treated. There i found many ways to cut. Plastic forks, staples, nails, teeth, anything. I came home (after faking my way through the system) and once again found ways to cut. I found another razor. I've been cutting since. I cut everyday, as much as i can. 70-100 times a day. No lies. I wish i could cut more. Yea, sometimes i need stiches, but i dont go get them, i just use butterfly strips. You would think it would be hard to hide such a secret, but i do it easily. I don't cut because i hurt inside anymore, i cut because i can. I love the blood and the pain, not the relief i get from it. I don't even really get relief from it anymore. I obsess over it. I can't say im bipolar, or major depressive, because my mental illness is unknown. The docs havent figured out whats wrong with me, so i continue to suffer and continue to cut. But i want people to know my story, and hope they never start, because i may never stop. I messed up.. and i wish i had never started in the first place. To this, i sign in blood.

alex - meister311@sbcglobal.net

Comments - i started cutting the first week of junior high and i would do it any where forom once a week to once a month. after 6 months i was doing it every day. my friends did not help and they thought it looked cool to watch me run the razor over my skin (my arms legs stomach and sides) many times. i felt accepted so in a sense i had no reason to change. one of my guy friends never liked me hurting myself and so one day he took me razor from me a threw it away . he was a tough guy and all of the sudden he burst into tears and told me that everytime i hurt myself i broke someones heart and that really went through to me just to see someone who i thought would never cry in front of some one balling his eyes out over me. from that day on every time i wanted to hurt myself i would cry and scream as loud as i could in to a pillow then write a down the weirdest name i could think of on a piece over paper many times then rip it up it made me feel so much better the guyfriend i told you about is now my boyfriend of 9 years and we plan to get married in the spring of 2006 i learned that one swipe of the blade on your skin can break someone elses heart

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

Comments - it didn't work. i'm still here. Heather, i want so badly to believe... how do i??? im tired of all this. please tell me what to do now.

Chaos - Abecca14@yahoo.com

Comments - I am 15. I have been cutting my inner thighs for 8 months. At first I did it because I was curious (after seeing the movie Thirteen). I did it for 3 months, then 1 night I cut too deep, and I bled for over 15 hours, until I stopped it with duct tape. I couldn't walk I was so tired, and my face was ghost white. That scared the hell out of me and I stopped until 2 months ago. I do it now because my life is so screwed up. I am obsessed with rape.4 different people have tried to rape me. The most recent guy (62 years old) messed with my head for 3 months by not saying he wanted to have sex with me, so i thought I was paranoid. I figured it out when he forced his hand up my dress. Now I have to testify in a trial (he refused to plead guilty). And I am in love with my neighbor, but she is 8 years older than me, and doesnt even know Im a lesbian. And my parents are drunks and like to scream at me everynight and then they wont let me go to bed, they make me sit there and cry. And, idiot that I am, when I started cutting again, I told myself that as long as I cut, that would keep my friend from killing herself, so now I cant stop because im afraid she will. She doesnt know I cut. It is getting worse. Last night I cut 13 times. That is the most Ive ever done. And when I go near stairs I feel like throwing myself down them. I want to kill myself, but it would be incredibly selfish for me, because I would be leaving my little sister, and she is like my kid I love her so much. I keep wanting to cut deeper and more. I am getting a different kind of knife soon, my friend is getting it for me, i told him i want it for protection. Cutting once used to make me feel better, but now I need more. And I learned about pills that make it so you cant feel the pain, and i was thinking about those, but i dont know what they are or how to get them. I like the blood more than the pain. I dont want to tell anybody.2 weeks ago I gave my best friend a hint about it. She got it, and she hasnt talked to me since. well, all you guys are great. Feel free to email me- I have no life and I will definitely email you back! Thank you to all of you for reading my story. So far I have read 2/3 of the stories on here. I am sorry about everyone's pain. It sucks. Good luck to you all.

Kat - starsturnedblack@gmail.com

Comments - Ok, well... Uh. This is my second post. I've been a cutter for about... 7 months now, maybe 8. I was clean for about 2 months... until last night. I knew my parents would hospitalize me if they saw more cutting, so I did it on my ankles. It felt so good, but now I'm worried about getting caught. So, email me. I gotta stop, I just don't know how. I thought I was done...

tiffany - stonersmart420@aol.com

Comments - my name is tiffany. i just started slicing my wrists. watching myself bleed is orgasmic. a rush of relief washes over you. its better than any drug ive ever tryed (acid being an exception)every time i feel like crying i cut.my crimson teardrops take away the pain.now i cant stop. my cousin spotted my neatly sliced arms. she took me in her arms and for the first time in months i cryed.after that i stopped for a lil' over a week. i thought it was over. but i just couldn't resist the urge to watch myself bleed.i know i need help. i just can't tell my mom. i tryed to get her to let me see a shrink but she ignores my cry for help.im not angry at her though. cause i mean she doesn't know. i get really emotional sometimes. one min. im the happiest peson on earth and then the next min. i hate myself so much it hurts.it hurts so much that i start to hurt myself. it just doesn't make sense.i think i might be going crazy.i don't want to die i just wanna feel better.one time i cut my wrist w/a rusty razor blade. those scars don't disapear that easy.i just wish i didn't feel so alone. if theres anyone out there that can help me or just need a cutter 2 talk to my email is stonersmart420@aol.com

Amy - urbabygurllallurs69@hotmail.com

Comments - Im only 13, and i've been through a lot in my life. Sure a lot of people say they have 'problems' but until you've walked in someone else's shoes, like mine, you have no idea. I grew up in a nice neighborhood, with a mom, dad, and a lil brother. We had problems like everyone else did, but behind closed doors, everything was a million times worse. Now being 13, almost 14.. sometimes i cant stand the thought of living another day; but some how i do.I used to cut, to releive the pain. Its like your first high of pot, you can never acheive the same feeling again. The first cut, is like all your pain goes away.. for a while. Then I grew numb from it, and started to burn.I knew about burning, but then a kid i go to school with started to do it himself. It was only thing besides cutting that left me 'okay' right then. I started with curling irons, then lighters and stuff. I have 'burn' marks on my arms, but it isnt something I parade around. When someone asks me what the marks are from, i tell them, i tell them I am not proud of it, but the fact that I did it, jus showed HOW MUCH pain I was in, and that no one could ever take that away.

what? - Abecca14@yahoo.com

Comments - i dont know what to think. I met my first "fake" cutter today. I was on the bus, and the kid next to her poked her with a pen. She said "i dont care if it hurts, i cut myself anyways." after we got off the bus, i asked her if it was true, and she laughed! laughed and said hell no, i think steven has got a thing for depressed chicks. She uses cutting to get guys! i cant understand how someone can mock my pain like that. i cant understand how she can find self-hate romantic and appealing. ive never seen this before, and i dont like it! why would someone do that?

Amy - urbabygurllallurs69@hotmail.com

Comments - yeah I seriously hate when ppl MOCK ur pain. Its like they have NOTHIN else to do. Especially when people, that do cut or burn, or whatever their choice, really dont know how to handle their pain or w/e, and u have some idiot @$$ chick who thinks she cute or makin a name for herself because she pretends to 'cut' to get guys.. i woulda slapped her and asked her if that hurt as bad as cuttin

Kat - starsturnedblack@gmail.com

Comments - Wow, that is really sick. And disturbed. And disgusting. And infuriating. And... well, I think you get my point. What a... there's not even a word for people like her, she is such a slimy concept. Even 'unsensitive, stupid, attention-whore' doesn't begin to cover it. I'm fairly stunned. And then to admit it! Wow...people.

marty -

Comments - Tiffany, i hope thats your name. i understand you see, for just about a year i have been mixing drugs, sex, and cutting all in one. sometimes i would wake up in a guys bed(but someone i know)missing my bra and my wrist just bleeding.oopps. recently i had to get major stiches and staples in my wrist and thighs-about 75 in total!!! can anyone relate???

Rose -

Comments - Why do I cut�that is the most common question I have ever gotten. Why? I�m not too absolutely sure myself. To me, it�s all�feelings. To put it in words, I think the best explanation I can come up with is that it makes me feel like I have control over something�anything. Let me take a step or two back and explain. My mother is a micromanaging bitch, and my father is a self-centered bastard. I mean that in the best way possible, of course. Between them, I was convinced I was an expensive waste of time, hopelessly screwed, weird for being �un-perky�, and that I couldn�t do the simplest things for myself. My mother planned everything for me, and told me exactly what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. So when the razor slipped that evening, I carefully washed my leg off, barely registering that I felt different when I saw that crimson red stream slowly staining the shower pink. I was busy thinking about how it felt. Or more like, how it didn�t feel. It wasn�t until I was repeating my �sleep process� that night that what I had felt registered. I had felt control. I had felt like there was something I could do on my own and do it properly. And, what�s more, it was proof that I wasn�t weird. After all�so many people cut or self injure. They can�t all be wrong, can they? I lay awake that night, much like every night. But that night, as I lie awake at two in the morning, I thought about how lovely that felt�as opposed to my usual nighttime thoughts of how horrible life is, and how badly I wished I were someone else. So I started doing it more, mostly as an experiment. I wondered if that was just a one-time thing. Nope. Good feeling every time that blade touched my skin. Better feeling when it plunged in. Best feeling as I watched the crimson turn red turn pink as it slipped down the drain. I started my �therapy� in sixth grade. Every time my best friend deserted me for her new best friends, I�d let the blade touch my skin. Every time she insulted me in front of them, to seem �cool�, I�d let it slip in, up, and out. The marks were all placed in invisible areas, of course. Legs, knees, thighs, hips, ankles, bottoms of my feet, along my bra line even. Anywhere they would be seen was safe, normally. Occasionally the blade would dance along my fingers or arm, but never in such a way that it would be noticeable. I was careful not to let them scar at all. After all, in my micromanaged life, invisibility was the best thing. I tried to stop. Constantly, I�d throw away that little disposable razor; throw it away in the kitchen trashcan, hoping it would save me. Nope. I�d go into the bathroom closet and retrieve another. I was addicted. I craved the cold, sweet, calming feel of blade on skin and lack of feeling as it danced in. In, up, and out. I believe with all my heart that my subconscious wanted me to stop�that was why my biggest �oops� became my best friend. That day, my friend had deserted me, they�d laughed at me, I�d realized I was failing math with no hope of retrieving my grade, and, worst of all, I felt the urge to let my blade dance its story in my skin that night. I felt like I could never stop. Despondent, I went home and did exactly as I expected myself to do. In, up, and out. But that time, the blade found my wrists and danced along them gently. Blood sprang up like little roses, dripping on to my already bleeding legs. I was euphoric enough by this time not to realize what I had just done. Let me explain. I�m not suicidal. Only once have I thought about it, and then I realized I�m too attached to this life to give it away for a possible future. After all, here I thought I could make the pain go away. But what I had done was subconsciously dig deep enough in a visible area to leave scars and very noticeable marks. I had a letter I had written earlier that year�an almost suicide note, when I had been contemplating it. I gently tore it out of my notebook and bandaged my arms. It was the dead of winter, so I could get away with it. The next day at school, I dropped the note in my friend�s hand, squeezing it tightly before disappearing into the crowd of people around me. I had handed it to her whispering, �Don�t fail me. I�ve already failed myself.� When she got the note, she read it, apparently. Then she showed it to our Spanish teacher and asked permission to bring me to the counselor�s office with her. The teacher herself brought me up. I had a nice little �chat� with our counselor, who called my mom. They then managed to get me to the hospital, where the �nice lady� managed to completely convince me I was weird and that she had no clue what to do with me. Yeah. Smooth� I�ve been in therapy (real therapy) for the past two years. I actually like my therapist. She�s really nice, and seems to understand me really well. My mom has backed off on her mantra of perfection, and my dad�well� I still hate him. I have come to realize that a lot of my self-loathing is thanks to Senor Manly-Man. The only thing I lie about to my therapist is whether or not I am abused. I realize that I am abused�mentally and verbally. But I�ll never admit that. At least, not where anyone can do anything about it. Really, my story is just one of the normal ones, except that I started really young. I was only ten when I first injured myself (burner) and then started cutting when I was eleven. I'm now sixteen and getting better every day...or so I like to think. I started a support group at my 'halfway house'. We call if SIA...self injurers anonymous. It consists of me and a few other kids who are all at our little 'halfway house' for reasons of self injury and this is our little outlet. Currently, I have collected over one hundred chips...two years without self injury! (does little party in her own honour) So, yeah. Don't be afraid to ask for help. It's not easy, but it's the best feeling in the world to realise you don't have to be the only one dealing with it, and that now you can have two or more to share the burden one once held. My support net now consists of six people. That's one seventh of the stress! Much happier this way! Keep on holding on! Rose

Jennifer - kcfatboy@sbcglobal.net

Comments - I am not the norm cutter, I am 36 yrs old paralegal. I started cutting 3 years ago. It was a sporatic thing, but has progressed. My ex and I were together for 10 yrs and have 2 children 5 and 9. For the past few years we have been on and off, but each time we reconcile and try to work things out, I start cutting myself. I have scars all over my left lower leg (my cutting preference). I wear jeans during the summer. I tried tanning to cover the scars in the hopes to wear shorts, but that only makes them (scars) appear lighter. And fresh cuts are purple and very visable. When I cut it feels like such a release. The more I bleed, the better. Unfortunately, because where I cut, I have to cut deep to get that better bleed. The day after and the next, and the next, I always worry about infection. I have steri-strips to "pull" the cut together. I'm to afraid to get stitches "again". The ER doctors would know what I had done and try to put me on a 72 hour hold (trust me I will never be honest about my cut again. After the social worker was called in, she almost did exactly that). The one thing I can say tonight is that I wanted to reopen my current wound but writing about it has stopped me. Thank you for this site.

Jennifer - kcfatboy@sbcglobal.net

Cyndy - Cheerinblonde09@aol.com

Comments - I started cutting when at age 12 i was sexually abused by a 22 yr old man. He was my sister's fiance at the time so i never thought he would do such a thing to me. I started to feel hopeless and scared that it might happen again. It got worse and worse untill i fell into depression, thats when my cutting began. many people just can't understand why i do it, but for me its the only thing i have ever known. Now i am 16 and i am on anti-depressents but the cutting is now worse than ever. I go to bed everynight crying and feeling like it will never stop. My X- boyfriend of 2 years said to me "I don't think ur cutting deep enough cause ur not dead yet". Its obvious he knows the right words to get to me. I don't understand how people can be so cruel. Sometimes i will wake up with blood stains on my sheets from where i have gotten up in the middle of the night and just cut till i fell asleep again. I don't know what to do anymore..

Abigail Cox - cute4u4672@yahoo.com

Comments - i have been a cutter for for almost 6 months and i wish i never started it because it is very syupid and it just makes matters worse.Anyways i cut when i get either up set about something or when i mad,stressed out orloney. the person thati live with does not really care about me and is not a part of my life, she doesnt care about whats going on inmy lfe.when i am at home iam all alone.i have cut my self well over 100 times.Some of my scars are 2 to 4 inches long. Some of them are very deep but not that serious. i have never had to go to the hospital. For all of those people that read this and cut you need to find help before it is too late and you wind up killing yourself. ihave not stoped but iam getting help.

Abigail Cox - cute4u4672@yahoo.com

Mindi - minicole03@bellsouth.net

Comments - It is amazing that it has taken me a couple hours to read the bulletin board. No, it is not amazing that so many people are in pain, but amzing because like so many of you I thought I was the only one. Yes, every once and awhile you will see someone on T.V. who does "SI" ( self injury). However, I never believe it. It always seems like it is just for attention. You know what I mean. For example, the chick on the Real World. It just seemed so fake. But anyways just to know there are sm many. So many who can talk about it. Yes, we are veiled in the safety of anonymity( thank you internet), but at least we are talking. At least we are here. I saw a lot of you have questions. No, I am not a doctor or anything, but I have been cutting for 9 years. So I think I can help and answer some of your questions. Or at least just listen. So talk to me...

Pico - picololo24@yahoo.com

Comments - First of all id like to say that cutters are not 'mad or sick' ppl.. cutting just makes us feel better.. i dont cut that often.. but when i do it its usually because ive got all these emotions eating me up.. no one would really guess i do it.. i thk i do it becoz everyone has so much expectations on me.. and i hate these expectations, i hate to thk what would happen if i dont fulfil them.. and i always thk of dying.. ive never tried killing myself.. coz am scared.. and i care too much abt my family.. i just wanted to tell all those who self injure out there that you're not alone.. and if you need someone to talk to you can email me.. and id strongly suggest to you to talk to someone anyone.. coz it helps loads.. tk care.. love, pico..

sarah - misspoofy@hotmail.com

Comments - I feel that i must punish myself for things that happen to me. I started cutting when i was 13 i felt that it was my fault that one of my close frinds tryed to rape me. I found cutting the best way to punish myself i dident want to commit suicide but i had to do something i could feel. I cut myself twice that same year. Then i stoped after my friends started to do it. I think it botherd me. I felt like i had lead them to cut and i dident want them to. after i stoped i thought i would never do it agine but i got into a vary stressful relationship with a guy and started cutting agine. I told him i would stop but some times i would just not think or would just not know what i was doing. I ended up cutting myself 5 times in that whole time period. we kindof drifted apart and then i cut myself agin, well he found out and started to yell and i wanted to just hate him for it but i know he only dose it because he cares. I really dont think he understands that its hard to just stop. for some reson i cant i want to so bad because i feel its my fault he broke up with me. there was a point where i wanted to just cut my face up just so every one would hate me. Now im getting better when i want to cut i wright about it or i read about other cutters and it gives me relife that im not alone. I really dont think that any one would cut just to get attintion because any one who want attintion that bad needs help. I think that every one needs someone to talk to that wont flip out because it really dose not help. my X may think he got me to stop but one of these days i will just loose it and not even know im doing it and they wont understand. i think the only real person who helped was my gidence councaler.

sarah - misspoofy@hotmail.com

Comments - I am a cutter who needs to talk to other people in the same situation and i really need someone to talk to so someone please email me :( i need help

indie - indie5@rock.com

Comments - it all started in 7th grade i was begin abuseed by my mumshe would beat me up wilth sticks ,wips,shoes she would also kick,slap and punch me before i went into 7th grade i thougth it was normaol for your mom to abuse you.things started to get really bad and i started cutting i liked the pain i liked to watch it bleed .school was not that good i did not really have friends i had people that i sometimes said hi to but no real friends ihad no conttrol over anything so one day when i got home from school i went into the bathroom and cut so deep that it did not stop bleeding for three days after i cut i still did not fill so good so i stuck my fingers down my mouth and thrw up everthing i ate i felt good and after then i could not stop everytime i ate i would throw it up .when i got to 8th grade my teacher fuond out i was so scard beacuse when my mom found out beacuse i know my mom would act like she cares but when we got home she would beat the **** out of me .so i ran away but i came back i'm 15 now i just really want someone to talk to i just hope that all the other people that are on this site are ok if anyone wants to talk.

Coral - isissoul@yahoo.com

Comments - �You are sad because you live your life obsessed with death� I�m 18 and I�m a cutter I have been cutting for 6 to 8 years. I first started with safety pins lil scratches but that didn�t seem to hurt enough then putting safety pins in my arm in and out the with of it. Keeping it there for days twisting it when I needed relief. I have a few scars from that I called them tracks there are others but you wouldn�t recognize the scar unless you exspenced it. After a while that wasn�t enough I begin cutting with any pocket knife or anything sharp really, it would be many fast cuts at a time bleed a lil but a few weeks they were gone, again it wasn�t enough. I had a few razor blades I used before but they weren�t that sharp. I can�t even remember when I picked up my first razor blade but when I did I couldn�t put it down. I now will only use the blade unless I don't have one on me. I now need to cut and see blood a lot of blood to be satisfied and they seem to get deeper I usually wrap it with some sort of cloth if it gets to bloody to keep it off my cloths sometimes that doesn�t help. The blade is so addicting the way it separates your skin so easily its like I can see inside myself and it doesn�t even bleed right away It seems as if I am watching my skin fall apart and then the blood begins to flood. I hide my cuts there are many across my stomach, arms, and legs. I don't cut my stomach as much because it no longer hurts enough, I never where shorts, the cuts are on my upper arms so I still where tee shirts. I begin a few weeks ago looking at sites such as these, I know people cut but in some way I felt that still I was the only one that understood. I cut my self for looking at sites like this. I cut my self because i'm angry with myself I want to die but disserve a worse fate. I dream of death but as much as I would like promised not to die to my own hand. I am not a good person I have to punish myself in some way. The cutting makes me feel in control like i�m the one making my world fall apart and if I wanted I could stop it even though I know I cant. It feels good like every worry and pain is dripping away. I like to think it makes me strong because It makes me stop crying, stop thinking. I used to drink a lot as well then I didn�t cut every day because the alcohol made things better I haven�t had a drop for almost 3 weeks not completely by choice but I haven�t put down my blade sense. The reason I started wrihting this is because after a long talk with the only person who knows about this, I wanted to see if I was as bad as he thought so I kept track of all my cuts for one week. The total freighted me as of midnight last night in one week I cut my self 53 times most weren�t fast cuts or scratches, they all bleed I will have a scar from most of them. Sense then I have cut twice in the past 5 hours. I cant go a day without cutting right now and the best I got was 2 cuts in a day and holding a blade on my skin without cutting but incredible urge to. I don't plan to stop and I have hidden it so well I fear that I cant hide much longer it gets worse and worse. As my friend said one day i�m going to cut to deep and I that had my scares cuts that soak up to 3 or more band aids and thro a few layers of cloths. I am beginning to think there is more of a problem with my solution but I cant stop. This is not my whole story but I have been writhing for an hour and cant share anymore. �My life I live awaiting death�

Comments -

Caity - silence_unbroken@hotmail.com

Comments - i wrote in this last yr when i wasnt so bad and i thought i was getting better. the truth is, i was getting worse. i thought a few cuts was bad. later on last yr, i tryed to kill myself a few times, the last time ending up in hospital. after that, ppl showed they cared a lot more. ppl care, they just take ppl for granted and dont realise that sumtime u need to say u care, that ppl dont just assume u care. anyone whos reading this, if ur getting worse, plz get help before its too late. telling ppl does NOT make them hate you, if anything, it makes them realise how much they care about you. anyone who cuts needs help. dont ever think that you r just another person in the world, that leaving wouldnt affect anyone coz it would, ive seen that. anyways, if u wanna talk to someone whos been thru and got thru hard situations, feel free to add me to msn or email me. silence_unbroken@hotmail.com cya, luv from caity

Claire - chocolateyclaire@comcast.net

Comments - i have been cutting for four years

sarah -

Comments -

sarah - misspoofy@hotmail.com

Comments - hey im back and im having some trubel today i wanted so bad to cut it was so hard to and i would have if i had something sharp but i need help and if any one wants to talk im hear and will listen to you!

sarah - scottfam7@hotmail.com

Comments - I have a 14 year old daughter that cuts herself. She dosn't do it very often, but I think that it is increasing. How do I help her. She told me that it helps her calm down and feel in control. She says that she is a people pleaser and I feel that she thinks this is the only way she can show control. I love her so much and I want to help her. Please give me any suggestions or stories that I can share with her so that she knows that she is not alone.

Comments -

chaos - Abecca14@yahoo.com

Comments - hi i am back it is worse than ever. 2 days ago i cut 33 times in one go. the next night i was going to cut 60 times but i fell asleep. after then i felt like crap the next day and planned to punish myself by cutting 70 times. i fell asleep. Now tonight i am going to cut 80 times in one go. today i kindof understand why people cut wrists. it is so much more convenient and easy than cutting thighs. i cut open a cut in my hand 5 times today. last week i told my friend about my cutting, but then she was talking about telling somebody, so this week i told her i miraculously dont feel like cutting anymore. im such a liar. i feel like a fake cutter. my reasons dont seem good enough to me. i am really pissed because the child rapist i am going to court against has subpoenad by school records- an f-ing rapist can look at my school records! but i have never been raped. i tried and couldnt be anorexic or bulimic. im too chicken to kill myself. when i write this all down it looks like good reasons (if there are any for cutting yourself!) and wow the person i like doesnt like me back what else is new. these things happen to everybody, but everybody doesnt cut. i am sitting by stairs, and i have an overwhelming urge to throw myself down them, but i am babysitting. and im a chicken. does anybody else here plan their cutting? when, how many times. ive only done it impulsively a couple times and i didnt like it. please email me people, i could really use support right now.

lynette - zacha98

Comments - I started when I was 10 I did it like 5 times and I still do it but I am trying to stop and Im 12 now ceep hope.

christina - babylatina4u87@yahoo.com

Comments - HI MY NAME IS CHRISTINA AND I SELF-INJURE. I DONT KNOW WHY I DO IT, IT JUST HELPS ME GET THROUGH STUFF. I REALLY NEED SOME ONE TO TALK TO, CAUSE EVEN MY BEST FRIEND MAYRA CANT HELP ME. IF U CAN HELP ME PLEASE GET MY EMAIL ADRESS AND EMAIL ME

evldan - evldan@aol.com

Comments - im a dude for 1 so guess its not all girls.im old so i have 1000s of stitches and staples.what sucks is i cant even get ink to cover them up.the worst cut i did was 500 something from emergency not including the ones i sewed up before i passed out.then had a hotel stay for awhile.i feel it coming again

evldan - evldan@aol.com

Sarah - pinky_bar_chick@hotmail.com

Comments - im 15 ma names sarah.i startd cutn about 2months ago.Ma friend told me he was goin 2 kill himself n i was scared i went dwn 2 ma bestis house n she didn't care n was more interestd in her bf so i got angry n walkd out.I went home slamd ma door n sat ther cryn 4 30mins n then i pickd up my knif i had no idea wat came ova me i hav absolutly no control over ma body wat so eva n i sliced dwn n watchd the blood drip i was scared becoz this wasn't lyk me i was normally really hapi.the nxt day my best friend cud tell sumthing was rong i wasn't talkn 2 her n she tryd but i brushd her off.that day i was a mess i was shakn all day n cudn't concentrate.that aftanoon i came home n went on msn n was talkn 2 ma m8 hu also told me she cuttd n i talkd 2 her she friend.they both cut ther arms n ther legs.that evenin i went along 2 ma bestis n told her every thing she was scared of me n didn't undastand y ne1 wud do that she wudn't cum near me coz she thought i wud make her sad.i went home even more angry n did 2 more slices on my wrist n 1ce agen the blood helpt me.that wknd i went 2 twn wif ma m8s hu cut n 1 of them got ther blade n slit ther wrist in front of me it bleed 4 2days n it was the scarest thing i had eva seen it was lyk lookn in a mirror.i swore i wud neva do it agen.I was fine 4 a week.then ma friend tryd 2 hang herself but her dad caught her i was a mess i cudnt face losn her i did 4 lil slices on ma wrist.then i saw ma 2nd best friend n she had a slice on her arm she's a hard out so i thought mayb she go hurt when she was campn but then she sed 2 me help me how can i hide this n i sed howd u get that n she sed how do u think n i sed o shit not u 2 n she sed wat do u mean n i showd her ma wrist.i was a mess that nite. We wer headn away on holiday n i sat ther the hole 4 hour driv wif ma knife carvn hate in2 ma arm as hard n as deep as i cud n i did sum on the under side of ma arm i wantd 2 die n did sum vertical cuts.Ma hole arm burnd n ached n stung. the nxt mornin me n ma 2nd best friend promisd that i wud neva do it agen but we both broke that promis.I then ingravd n x in ma arm n did lotsa lil scraps n put different colourd ink in them.i then sed 2 ma self its pathetic n selfish i need 2 stop doin this n help ma friends get betta (they r far wors than me-anorixic,bulimic,bipola, father rapes them,suacidal etc) but it all got 2 much 4 me n now i hav startd agen i cnt help it im such a mess im losin all ma friends frm cutn n i am always sad,cryn cold but im gettn ther.id lyk 2 talk 2 ppl hu hav stopd n that can help me.

ANDRONNA WESSON - wesson_andronna@yahoo.com

Comments - I was 14 when i satrted. I cut because things would get so bad at home i would just get this voice telling me CUT. when i did it releived some of my pain but yet i knew it really did not. My parents never knew but people at school knew that i would cut. I would cut because my parents drank alcohol every night and my father would abuise my mother Now my friends are helping me slowly stop cutting and i am really thankful that they are with me 100% Thanks Karla and Eddie

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

Comments - today is exactally 2 years since i've started cutting. i dont want to be alone tonight, so i asked my best friend to spend the night with me. but she's too busy. as usual. i should be used to this by now. why aren't i??? she' constantly ditching me for another friend of hers. why am i so jealous??? i know that she dosnt' mean to, but i've been the outcast my WHOLE LIFE, and im tired of it now. why can't someone just accept me for who i am??? i miss my friend. we used to do everything together, and now she only talks about her other friend. i want someone to care about me. i keep praying... i guess that's all i can do anymore.

garrett - merandabaxa@yahoo.com

Comments - my girlfreind is having problems with her family and all she can do is cut her rist to salve it she is to afraid to talk to her parents about it so in other wards how am I soposed to help her please tell me I need to know.

sarah - misspoofy@hotmail.com

Comments - hey how is everyone im fine for now my X really pissed me off today. anyhow im kindof getting better now im getting less and less depressed and i think i can get better but if anyone wants to talk im hear for you

Kim - Kim_5_26_88_15@yahoo.com

Comments - I started cutting. I can't tell you why, B/C I don't know why. All i know is that I need HELP! I am afraid i am going to end up killing myself. Can anyone help me?

Casey - kat_girl333@yahoo.com

Comments - On every site I've been to, they usually start with saying that self injury is usually associated with eating disorders. They failed to mention that there are some of us who do not have eating disorders, yet still self injure. I started cutting when I was 12. I can remember the exact day I started. I was sitting in my room, thinking about different things, when I just picked up a screwdriver, and dug it into my arm. When I saw the blood rise to the surface or my skin, I did it again. I didn't stop there. By the end of the night, there we 63 cuts on my arm. Finally, I felt relieved enough to stop for the night. I had no idea of what self injury was. I just new that cutting made me feel. All my childhood was spent being molested and raped by two family members of mine. I'd been in therapy since I was eight. This frequent sexual abuse forced me into a bout of depression that no child should ever have to expierience. One night, it just broke me down. So I cut. This newfound escape was just what I needed. Soon after, I stopped therapy, because they saw quite the improvement in my behavior. I stopped cutting when I was thirteen. I thought that I was okay by then without it, and for a while I was. It wasn't until my nineth grade year that I started again. In nineth grade, I fell in love with a guy named Chad. Chad was the perfect guy for me, or so I thought. He was in a band, played guitar, listened to metal, and he liked me. Two weeks into our relationship, he started hitting me. It was just a slap, because I was being irrational. I really didn't think anything about it. The abuse progressed. He'd find reasons to hit me, and I'd just sit back and let him. Then he made me stop eating. I suppose you can say that I was forced into anorexia. He'd beat me for eating, saying I was too fat. I could handle all of that. I was just happy that someone "loved" me. About three months into our relationship, Chad raped me. He did this several times. He'd always tell me I deserved it, and when you're told something enough, you'll believe it. I couldn't handle it well though. So once again, I began cutting. Like the first time, I didn't start off small. On the first night, I had three hundred and seventy two cuts on my left arm. The next day, there were two hundred and ten on my right. When it became too painful to cut my arms, I moved down to my legs. From there it was my stomach. Pretty soon, I had cuts on everywhere I could reach. At one point, I even cut my face. I knew I needed help. I also knew that I needed away from Chad. Finally, I confessed it all to my parents. Soon after, I moved an hour away from home to live with my mother. For the first few months, I was fine. I was happy, normal, and very active. I had the perfect life. But then, I started having nightmares. They were usually always about chad. Sometimes, I'd just be awake and see him standing there at my door. I was horrified. I was so scared he'd come back for me. I soon began cutting again. As the nightmares and hallucinations became more frequent, so did the cutting. This time it did began small, but soon, it consumed me again. I couldn't go through a day without cutting. I'd do it at school, at work, at home, and friends' houses. I was out of control, but I needed it. I know this essay is very gramatically incorrect, and I appologize if it doesn't make any sense. I really have a hard time talking about this. I'm now a junior in high school, and cutting is still very much a part of my life. I have wonderful friends, and the greatest boyfriend anyone can ask for. My cutting has dropped down to maybe once a year. I realize I will never be completely cured of this dependency. I'm doing significantly better. I suppose this essay is a way of saying, that if you do cut, you aren't alone. I know it's hard to believe that, but you aren't. If anyone needs anything at all, feel free to email me at Kat_girl333@yahoo.com. I'd be more than happy to talk to you. Also, if you'd rather talk to me, my aim is sessycatgirl333. Thanks for your time.

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

Comments - i'm done. i cut words into my leg last night. i've never done words before. i cut 'razor kiss' into my leg. why??? i need someone. i dont know who to go to. i'm tired of being to outcast. why cant someone just want me??? i need a hug, and no one will give me one. why is everything coming back so suddnly??? i thought that i was starting to get better, and now all of a sudden, all the feelings are coming back. my 'friend' keeps telling me to stop this, and that she can't help me anymore. i think that the problem is more that she WON'T help me, not that she CAN'T help. she never wants to talk to me. she dosn't see that if i quit cutting, i'll be loseing something that i've depended on for two years. i need a hug, and its like everyone's to stuck up to give me one. no one understands, and no one trys to understand. i dont know what i want anymore. i just dont know.

- freakaleak21@comcast.net

Comments - no one is alone when they cut i have been cutting sence i was 9 years old. it is a really hard thing to deal with and it seems inpossible to stop but some time you will realize that you can stop it will just take time. Believe in yourself. Thats how i quit. Believe in you and trust me! JUST TRY!

Nick Gauthier - d_f2@hotmail.com

Comments - looking for some one to talk to ? well i have been self injuring for 5 years and can proudly say i have lasted since january 2005 without any incidents. i still have a very strong feeling to. i use to cut. but i ended up jus throwing out all my razors and going for an eletric shaver and got rid of the urge for a while. so im sending a invitation anybody who would like to talk about their si or jus a new friend. i am some one you can rely on to give you insight. or advice. so if u need some one to talk to or jus a friend you can e mail me anytime. jus add me first cause i have a strong anti spam program so i can only get mail from people in my contacts. well i hope to hear from you. and god bless. Nick Gauthier alexindria Ontario Canada.

Nika - kittie_chick_666@hotmail.com

Comments - Growing up I never really felt like i belonged or fit in anywhere.Sure i had friends but it all felt fake.I didnt started harming myself untill i was about 11 yrs of age.I can remember the first time i cut, it was the best feeling in the world,I had to convince myself that i was real.It started with just one , then another, and slowly another. It took my parents two years to figure out what i was doing to myself.I'm 17 yrs old now, and i`ve been through 5 straight years of theropy, And committed into a hospitail twice, and i still dont feel different.But after staring at my scars for so long I now realized that I dont need cutting to feel alive, I just dont

Libbie - soinlovekb89@yahoo.com

Comments - my self injury started back in the 5th grade, it started out like as an accident but then became a big problem, i knew it was bad that i was making myself bleed but i didnt think it mattered, i mean i was gettin away with it, why should i tell people about it when i can keep doing it. some of the sources of my self injury were my dad. he had a stroke when i was in the 3rd grade and brought with him a house full of tension. then my mom started slipping into depression and bringing us down with her. she finally got help and is working through it, but i found another startling episode waiting for me....both my grandma's died with in a year of each other and both when they were states away from me. the loss of my gradmas in that year really brought me down, my grandma (on my moms side) was the only person in my family who would just hold me, understand SO well and i didnt even have to say any thing...she just knew. it was hard on my mom and dad too...new facts kept being given to me as i grew older, i found out recently that before my dad had his stroke he had been cheating on my mom with our famlies baby-sitter...this was the hardest of all, even if i dont always like my mom i ALWAYS love her and the way my dad treated her before the stoke and now (degrating comments about her new boyfriend) is hard for me to take. my parents have recently gotten a divorce and my dad is moving away, to stay at an assisted living place about 45 mins away from our house. the only thing that i think saved me from my darkest hours is my best friend jenn, who has always understood me and never has judged me on my behaviors. and my boyfriend, Kevin he is one of the forces that kept me from losing it all in my life, his smile brought me out of the dark, for good.

Marty Castro -

Comments - HI. ITS ME AGAIN I HAVN'T TALKED TO ANYONE SINCE SPRING BREAK. I HAVENT EATEN SINCE 4 DAYS AGO AND NOT HAD A WINK OF SLEEP IN 3. I WAS RAPED RECENTLY AND I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF I SLIT MY WRIST AND POPED 80PILLS OF CODEIN-A PAINKILLER-I GET HIGH ON THE STUFF I GUESS YOU WOULD SAY I HAVE A LOT OF PROBLEMS RIGHT NOW. I RECENTLY CUT MY THIGHS UP 47x AND I STICHED THEM UP MYSELF CUZ IF I GO TO THE HOSPITOL THEY WILL RECOGNIZE ME AND SEND ME BACK TO THE "CRAZY HOUSE" MY MOTHER KICKED ME OUT AGAIN. I AM LIVING W/ MY FRIEND JUSTIN AND, UM, I CANT REMEMBER WHAT HAPPEND BUT MY LIP AND ARMS WERE CUT AND BRUSED. THAT NIGHT I WAS REALLY F-UP SOMEONE TALK TO ME PLZ. I TRIED TO KILL MYSELF AGAIN BUT JUST CHAINED MYSELF TO THE BED. "I WAKE UP AND FIND BLOOD ALL OVER THE PLACE AND CUTS ON MY FACE. I AM COVERED IN SHAME. MY LIFE FEELS SO LAME."

Bleeding Tears -

Comments - in the end i guess it all comes down to hate- I hate me I hate him I hate almost every single person i have ever met. all because i hate myself too much to let myself have actual friends- like anyone would want to be my friend.. Oops there i go again, see? Cutting is my realse. everyone sees but they wont say a word. So i'm just gonna keep on slicing until i work up the courge to slice the right spot.the right vain... I'm such a coward... there goes another reason to slit these fucked up wrists.. So if i die tonite, i just wanted to say one thing " i guess your gonna have to find someone new to play your sick games with aren't you daddy? FUCK YOU it's over and i hope this turned out like you wanted...you never hit my face you always said i was so beautiful. you should see me now... the bruises contrast perfectly with my pale skin... aren't I pretty daddy?" -Bleeding Tears

Anna - dessad2008@yahoo.com

Comments - When i was 7 i cut myself on my left arm with an exacto knife....i guess i wasnt really thinking when i did it cause i wasnt mad or anything. I didnt really believe it would cut me, i guess. Then, last year i smashed my mom's favorite vase, i felt so bad about it but whenever i get mad i have to hit or break something. a few years ago when i was angry i hit my head repeatedly against a picnic table. i didnt realize my head had been split open until a while later. I started cutting whenever i got really angry...it was a sort of way to keep myself from breaking anything that i would regret breaking or from punching holes in walls or from hurting other people. i didnt want to hurt anyone else physically or emotionally so i cut myself instead. as soon as i would, i would immediately calm down. it was a way to take out my anger without actually damaging anything. i didnt really mind damaging myself cause i would heal. It would calm me, watching my blood well up cause it was so peaceful...i never really cut deep....just enough to bleed. I still do it sometimes...only when i get mad...it calms me down. the scars dont show up much anymore...they are all on top of each other, sort of layers of scars. i dont mind them, really...it bugs me a little when people ask about them though....

caiity-lynn - lil_sexy_devil_99_@hotmail.com

Comments - Hey,... my name is kaitlyn,..im 15 i have been cutting for the last...4 years,..i havent been able to find anything to help,..it all started when i was being teased at school,..it all bulit up inside me untill i couldnt take it anymore,...i had heard some people talking about how they had used to cut so i decided i might try it,... i thought that just maybe cutting would help me forget abouthe people that were maken fun of me,..but it didn't it only ever made things worse,...kids at school found out one day while we were changing for P.E they went to the teacher and told,...that day my life pretty much came to a end i have been with 4 diffent conselllers for the last 4 years and none of them have ever help,...things at home are hard with parents always fighting,.. abusive father that breaks thing if he doesnt get his way mother that is always constently screaming,..its a hell hole,...last year i met a boy named brian,...he was my entire life for 5 wonderfull months i love him so much,...untill the day my mother founbd out i was seeing him ,.. she had a fit and told me i could nevre see him again:( this really upset me but i wanted to see him so bad so i ran away,..5 different people tried to pick me up that night and i think that was the scaryest thing of my life,...im still cutting to this day,....i cut i burn myself with irons,lighter, and i pierce my self,.. last month my mom found out about me piercing my tongue,.. she yelled and yelled,...i have o.d 4 times and have had to have my stomache pumped i cut and do all of this shit to let all of the pain out but i think its only making matters worse,... all of my friends are mad at me becuse i cant stop,... when ever something goes worng and i feel upset and lonely i turn to the razor blade,.. gess i even have the nick name RazorBladeBeautyQueen now,.. but if anyone has any questions or commments or if the have any solutions or way to helpo me i would love to hear them add me or email me at lil_sexy_devil_99_@hotmail.com

"life" sucks - n

Comments - my body is covered with cuts. my arms, legs, face, stomach, breasts, feet, hands, everywhere. my uncle had custody of me until i was 8 becuz my mom is a whore, and who the hell knows who my dad is. my uncle would be gone everynight until late, and then he came home drunk and would shove himself into me everynight until he was exhausted and fell asleep. he had custody of me ever since i was 2 and a half, so who knows how long hes been raping me, ever since i remember. when i was 8 he came home with 2 of his friends, all drunk. they took turns all night, until i was covered with blood and unconscious. they had even stuck a knife inside me, who knows why they did, but i can never have kids cuz of that. i woke up probably 2 days later, almost dead, but unfortunately not quite. i fixed myself up, and ate, and then i was just really sore, and i couldnt move. i knew it would happen again. i was his own personal little WHORE. i was right, he came home, and tried to f*** me again. he was inside me and i grabbed something next to me, i cant even remember what it was, and slammed it down on his head AS HARD AS I F***ING COULD then i got a steak knife and stabbed him over and over again crying as hard as i could yelling YOU CANT DO IT ANYMORE, NO, I WONT LET YOU, STAY OUT thats pretty much all i can remember from that day, me yelling. some neighbor heard the yelling and called the cops. the state got me then, and i was in their places til igot out at 15 when i ran away. i cut myself since 11 becuz i want to be ugly to everybody. NOBODY will ever want to rape me again. you cant even tell if im a male or female. nobody asks about my scars because they think i was in some accident or something. i used to want to die, but now i want to live to remind every F***ING RAPIST OUT THERE what they do to people, what inhuman disgusting horrible creatures they are.they should all die. that bastard still haunts me every night.

heather - chickenkickin@hotmail.com

Comments - There is peace, there is love. There is shelter, there is healing. 'He shall heal the brokenhearted and bind up thier wounds' If anyone needs someone to talk to, someone to listen or some encouragement, please email me. I've traveled the road, I know the journey is hard and can seem endless, but there is hope.

Junior - jmichalek1992@msn.com

Comments - Hi i'm a self injurer and i'm scared all the time and really pissed off how can I stop.My boyfriend wants me to stop because he used to and then he got anger managment.Now he's started again after I did and i self injure even more ZBecause I think it is all my fault.Theres no other way to solve my anger and deppression but this and i'm so scared that i'm going to really hurt myself i've never made it bleed nonstop but i have done it were a few big drops of blood happened.Theres sometimes were i just do it when my sister is yelling at me for no reason.My friend also does this and we both want to stop because we both want are boyfriends to.When my boyfriend does it it scares me that he won't be at school then i call and find out he's dead or has stiches.I think the only way to handle my stress is this so that's my story and if any one can talk to me lets talk here if anyone can give me addvise.

Juninor - jmichalek1992@msn.com

Comments - Hi i'm junior and i'm a constent self injurer.I started because mt]y freind told me she did and it was relieving of stress and i was very upset already that day and i went to my room and i grabbed my sissors and now i can't stop i've done if for about a year or less but now i'm bitting and using what ever i can to cut myself.But my boyfriend stopped and now he's started up again and my best friend nad her boyfriend do it to and sometime i'm scared and feel it's all my fault and i never should of told andyone because they can tell or use it against me and if the school counciler finds out i'll getr expelled for a long time and i don't want that to happen because then i won't ever get to see my boyfreind and i'll get put into and institution for the phycos.One of my friends think i me and my friend are phsycos and need to be put in a institution.

junior - jmichalke1992@msn.com

Comments - hey anyone scared or just confused well i am and i need help from my boyfriend.I'm twelve and i started at the beging of this year and i'm still doing this.

Genny j - cutie_girl@yahoo.com

Comments - one day i got so mad becuase my mom being the bitch she is i took a sharp knive and cut my self bad please email me at cutie_girl @yahoo.com

razor - cutie_girl@yahoo.com

Comments - one day i got so mad becuase my mom being the bitch she is i took a sharp knive and cut my self bad please email me at cutie_girl @yahoo.com

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

Comments - i've done something stupid. i got angry at my friend last night. she said that it's okay, but she told me that i never talk to her anymore, and i've put ap a 'wall' around myself. she says that it seems like i cant stand to be in the same room as her. thats not how it is. i leave a lot of the times b/c i want to give her and her other friend space, b/c who wants to be associtated with a person like me??? i dont understand. i just want to make her life a little easier, and she said that she dosn't like it. but i dont know why she'd want to be around a person like me. i know that anyone who reads this won't understand the story, b/c i havnt' explained what's been happening, but i just needed to get that off of my chest.

Erika - rider2b843@aol.com

Comments - i cut all the time. i love the blood running down my arm. i also stick pins through my arms. i love hurting myself. i cut so much i dont feel any pain in my arms nymore. so many scars cover my arms. i love pain and blood and death. ive gotten some friends to do it too. SATAN RULES!

stephanie - wiastedwishes_chick@yahoo.com

Comments -

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