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Self-Help Stuff
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Chapter 117 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works:
YOU WERE TRAINED FROM Day One to be polite and attentive to the wishes of others because, of course, it is the courteous thing to do. And when you’re courteous, people won’t be upset with you as often and you’ll avoid uncomfortable confrontations and awkward moments. It’s perfectly understandable that parents would want their child to be polite. Parents don’t like to be embarrassed. Besides, they want to help the child avoid being shunned by their peers. Being rude makes enemies. So does being selfish. So it is important for parents to train their children to be courteous. But there is also such a thing as “too much of a good thing.” Courtesy and kindness can be overlearned — to the point where the person doesn’t even know what he wants any more — where he’ll stand there and listen to the worthless ramblings of an idiot who just likes to talk, without the guts to be “rude” and excuse himself because he’s got better things to do. Someone who has overlearned politeness will be too easily persuaded by family members that such-and-such is right and good, only to figure out later that it’s not right and good for him, now that he thinks about it. When you don’t know what you want — when politeness dominates self-awareness — other people’s wants hold the floor for lack of opposition. They win by default, as when two parties are scheduled for a hearing and one of the parties doesn’t show. The one who shows up wins automatically by default. What’s lacking when you’re too polite is a healthy level of selfishness. If you’ve been trained from early on to suppress your own wishes, you may suppress them right out of existence. And that doesn’t benefit anybody. This kind of unhealthy politeness only happens in relation to others. Just about everyone can pursue their own agenda when they’re by themselves. It is in the presence of other people that the social inhibitions laid down in childhood exert their powerful influence. What they influence are our feelings. What’s missing is a simple knowledge of what we want, what we ourselves would like to see happen, and the willingness to try to make it happen — even when someone else might not like it. And what’s needed is the willingness to say what we want. If you are suffering from excess courtesy, here’s what to do: Start small. In little situations every day, make small goals. Ask yourself “What do I want here?” or “What do I think would be the best thing to happen in this situation?” And then try to make it happen.
Inevitably, you’ll run into someone else with a different agenda. This other person has a different outcome in mind. She doesn’t know about your goal. So you need to let her know what you want. Sometimes you’ll feel like you’re being rude. Sometimes the other person will think you’re rude. If, like you, she’s been overtrained in courtesy and undertrained in healthy selfishness, she’ll take up your agenda and help make it happen, or at least she won’t oppose you. If, on the other hand, she is able to say what she wants, the two of you can negotiate. One way or the other, you need to know what you want and you must be willing to speak up about it. Know what you want and speak up about it.
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