Chapter 40 of the book Self-Help Stuff That Works by Adam Khan:
Argue With Yourself
And Win! |
WHEN SOMEONE MAKES you angry, it may seem that the cause of
your anger is the other person’s actions. But what really
makes you angry is what you think the action means. If you look
closely at the meaning of an event, your certainty about it will
fade. You’ll realize it doesn’t necessarily mean what
you think it means. This uncertainty will make your anger diminish.
Suppose, for example, someone interrupts you while you’re
talking and it makes you mad. You “know” the person
is being disrespectful. On closer look, you see that: 1) an event
happens, 2) you figure out what it means, and then, 3) you feel
an emotion in response to the meaning you created.
Step number two happens very fast — so fast it seems
the event directly caused your feelings. But that isn’t
so. And you can prove it to yourself.
Wait until the next time you get mad at someone. Then try
to discover one thought you have about what they did. You may
have to backtrack — do a slow-motion replay. Ask yourself,
“Why am I mad?” Your answer is probably, “Because
he did such-and-such.” Ask yourself another question: “Why
would that make me angry?” Your answer to this second question
is probably a statement about the meaning of the action. Now
you have something to work with.
Take your statement and look at it scientifically. In the
above example, someone interrupted you. You thought, “He
doesn’t respect me.” Looking at that thought scientifically,
you realize it’s a theory to explain why he interrupted
you. Once you look at it, you also realize it isn’t the
only explanation possible! Try to come up with other explanations:
“Maybe he never thought much about interrupting, and no
one ever said anything to him about it, so he’s in the habit
of interrupting people — those he respects and those he
doesn’t.” Or “Maybe he interrupted me because
he has a poor memory and didn’t want to forget his thought,
so he blurted it out.”
You can never really be sure why
another person does something. Sometimes the person himself doesn’t
know why he’s doing it.
After you create two or three good theories (this will only
take a few moments), your anger will fade, you’ll feel better,
and you’ll deal with the situation more rationally. Argue
with yourself this way and everyone wins!
When you're angry, argue with yourself
first.
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