Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited

Excerpts from the Archives
of the
Narcissism List

Part 18

1. Linear Time, Cyclical Time

That time is linear is a very new, western concept.

In the philosophies of 80% of humanity there is no such thing as "linear time". To them, time is cyclical (karma is an example f cyclical time).

"Achievements", degrees, possessions, power - are all meaningless.

In linear time you feel that there are PHASES, landmarks, achievements, benchmarks, yardsticks.

You compare your time to other people's time.

You define your life in terms of "progress" or "failure to progress".

You measure (for instance, material possessions, diplomas, number of children).

And if you don't measure up to entirely artificial criteria set by society (and changing ever so often) - you feel disenfranchised, lost, disorientated, mournful, disappointed, and dejected.

And if you don't meet a series of deadlines, comply with some schedules, accumulate some possessions (material or intangible) - you are a loser.

This is wrong.

We are all unique. It is pointless to compare oranges with apples.

We all have exclusive possessions.

Can you compare empathy to money? Lamborghini cars to feeling love? The Presidency to being happy?

We ALL live our unique lives, accumulate unique experiences, acquire unique knowledge, become unique.

The best, most productive, emotionally intense, fruitful, blessed period in my life was in jail - having lost my family, my money, my property, my businesses, my reputation, my friends...everything.

It is not where we are, what we do, and what we own at any given moment that should matter.

It is the fact that we ARE. That we learn, evolve, absorb, develop, become that does it. We learn incessantly, ever curious, ever intellectually vigilant, with a sparkling intelligence - children on the seashores of knowledge, as Einstein put it.

2. Narcissism is an Addiction

I think that Narcissism is an addiction.

Some people are addicted to substances (drugs, food, alcohol, nicotine).

Some people are addicted to impulsive behaviours - usually self destructive ones (gambling, shopping, reckless driving).

Some people are addicted to other people (various types of codependence, including narcissism and inverted narcissism).

The narcissist is addicted to narcissistic supply.

The narcissist has all the hallmarks of other types of addicts.

3. You are not to Blame!

The label doesn't really matter. NPD, BPD, AsPD - probably all three in her case (multiple diagnosis or co-morbidity).

What matters is this:

EVEN if you were directly, clearly, irrevocably, undeniably, voluntarily, horribly responsible for ALL her actions and inactions day in and day out - you are no longer to be punished.

A major principle of law is that punishment must be proportional and FINAL.

There is NO act for which punishment is INDEFINITE.

An indefinite punishment is, by definition, DISPROPORTIONAL and onerous.

As people grow, they gradually assume responsibility for more and more of their actions.

This is called "free will" or "choice".

Your daughter is NOT a deterministic automaton, whose every move has been pre-determined in her childhood by your behaviour.

She votes. She had children. She made and makes choices.

But she wants to enjoy the best of both worlds:

To enjoy the fruits of her choices (for instance, to gain custody of her children)   AND
To enjoy the lack of responsibility, the freedom from guilt and the ability to shift blame involved in accusing you.

This is incongruent.

She must decide:

Is she an adult? If so, she can blame nothing on you anymore.

Is she not responsible for her actions? If so, she should be committed and her children taken away from her.

Do not be deceived by the genetic accident that binds you together.

By the sound of it, your daughter wants you dead.

Treat her as a mortal enemy.

It is so often that we give birth to our own worst enemies.

"We have seen the enemy and it is us" - is my favourite sentence.

Cut her umbilical cord. Let her float into a space of her own making.

And you, take your spaceship and turn back home.

4. Emotional Investment in Pathology and Healing

You are heavily emotionally invested in your negative emotions (anger, fear).

Your mental condition is your best (only?) friend.

Your recovery process is your spine, your schedule, gives meaning to your life.

You are committed to an ideology.

Completed recovery perhaps threatens you with emptiness and "greyness".

I am not denying your abuse and its harrowing consequences.

I am asking how emotionally honest you are? (notice, not intellectually but emotionally honest)

For many, the holocaust has proven to be a very profitable business. Some even won Nobel Prizes. It is difficult to let go of winning routines. My narcissism is very profitable and rewarding. I seek to further my pathology, to become enough of a freak to attract even more rewards.

Ask yourself: what is in it for me? Why don't I let go? Why do I keep coming back for more (more of what)?

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