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Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Community Wall

Robyn - swellgrounds@hotmail.com - 35

Comments - for sufferers and families freedom from this dibilitating disorder is available act, get treatment, talk and heal.

Georgia - ode2joy2001@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - "I try not to let schooling get in the way of my education". -Mark Twain

bobbi johnson - bobbi_blue_eyes@yahoo.com - 23

Comments - my ocd is really strange. sometimes i have to check the fridge 10 or 12 times to make sure there are no cats in there.

Jen - Jen@yahoo.com - 36

Comments - It is hard to live with anxiety that comes with OCD.Uncertainty of life, and trying to be a perfectionist, keeps me from enjoying life to the fullest.Will I ever get over this? I doubt it. Must keep trying, though.

amy - Amonkeysue@wctel.net - 30

Comments - It hard to try to be perfect when there is no one perfect. Perfect in every aspect of my life. Reassuring myself of door locks and mental thoughts. It is all so overwhelming. I know how each one of you feel. ocd Joke: I solved that problem that a lot of persons with ocd encounter. doublechecking if everything is locked and cut off, etc... My coffee pot would drive me nuts. I would go to work and have to go back home to recheck and make sure it is off. Now I take my coffee pot with me. Saves me a trip back home. LOL.......crazy I know this....but true. (I told ya you wasn't alone)

Tricia - wirlygig@worldnet.att.net - 30

Comments - I've had a very unusual OCD for 16 years now. Please help me I cannot stop myself at all. If I try I get worse.

LV - - 27

Comments - I believe that all of us can find a way out of our self-imposed shackles. I know that many of you, like myself, suffered traumatic childhoods. This is one cause of OCD. The best piece of advice I ever got re. OCD was to keep a notecard in pocket that says, "I cannot control my thoughts or feelings, only my actions." We worry about being perfect, when if we just opened our hands and let go, we would see that we are perfectly imperfect. Please keep looking for solutions to benefit yourselves and loved ones.

SY - zrhy@aol.com - 23

Comments - With encouragement from my fiance, I just through away a lot of stuff that I will never use or need. There is a difference between hoarding stuff out of fear and saving helpful items that will be helpful in teaching. A teacher saves all kinds of stuff, but she does it in an organized manner. I saved what would be useful (very little), and through away the rest. Now I have three empty boxes sitting in my bedroom waiting to be taken to the trash. My bedroom is becoming clean. I praise God for the success that I am having in recovering from severe OCD. "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through the knowledge of Him who called us by His own glory and excellence" (2 Peter 1:3). If God will give me all that I need, then I don't have to.

Roza - veryna@yahoo.com - 35

Comments - Everything should be perfect

Michelle - shelwman@uswest.net - 33

Comments - I've always known I was different, but wasn't diagnosed with OCD until I was 29. I have learned alot about myself through this illness. Noone is perfect, but, I don't think I would ever change a thing about me or my OCD. It is as a part of me as my green eyes are. I know how crazy OCD can make you feel, but, with love and support, you can make it through. There have been some very trying times in my life where I just thought I was cursed, and cried out to God to help me. I'm sure all of us "SURVIVORS" know what I'm talking about. But, I have finally come to accept my illness, and my life is alot more easier. I know now that I am not crazy, and with help from luvox, I am able to live with my ocd. And tell you the truth - I think I would feel lost without it:)

Tara - rather not tell - 15

Comments - I am not sure whether I have OCD. I have recently heard about it and began to relate the symptoms to things I do. Everything in my room is perfect. Everyone I know just thinks I a m a perfectionist but I know it is more than that. It is not like I fix everything "just so" because I like to, it is because I HAVE TO, or it wouldn't be right. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced I have it, but I am scared. I do not want to be diagnosed with a mental illness!! What would my friends think!! I am only just starting High School! It is so tough. One of my closest friend's sister has OCD and she had to go to a special school. I don't know what to do excep keep researching and hearing other peoples stories. And everytime I try to fix somthing I try to ignore it but I just tell myself I'm doing it cause I want to. Where can I get diagnosed or where can I get help?

Annmarie - maminco@webtv.net - 46

Comments - Every morning when I wake up I pray that this is the day when the OCD monster is gone for good! I guess he likes hanging around.

Dawn - Pknowspizza@cs.com - 29

Comments - My illness has isolated me from my family. They say I act like someone on drugs. I finally saw a doctor 3 weeks ago, and now I am on Luvox. My OCD has caused me depression and isolation. I am educated, but I feel "unqualified" to work. I would be happy with even a shred of my old life back.

kali - cuckychc@caribe.net - 26

Comments - I was diagnosed with OCD about a year ago, but as long as I can remember I have been suffering from this from early childhood. My OCD is with contamination. I have both compulsions and obsessions. Sometimes I feel like is not going to get better, but I guess is to early to know. Only time will tell. I just hope that someday things will be different and I learn how to cope with my little fried OCD. Hope all of you get better. We have to keep on trying...

kali - cuckychc@caribe.net - 26

Comments - I was diagnosed with OCD about a year ago, but as long as I can remember I have been suffering from this from early childhood. My OCD is with contamination. I have both compulsions and obsessions. Sometimes I feel like is not going to get better, but I guess is to early to know. Only time will tell. I just hope that someday things will be different and I learn how to cope with my little friend OCD. Hope all of you get better. We have to keep on trying...

Madi - db4bama22@gateway.net - 25

Comments - Silence no more...i will fight this battle to the end

Madi - db4bama22@gateway.net - 25

Comments - Silence no more...i will fight this battle to the end. I have been dealing with ocd all my life and just found out what this silent horrifying disease is. I refuse to let it control my life anymore. The pain I have lived with, the tears I have kept quiet and the compulsions Have crept into my daily existence trying to associate the "norm" of everyday life. No more...i will fight this battle to the end.

TheVeggie - Sherry_vegt@hotmail.com - 40

Comments - Hey everybody, you think your OCD is weird...wait till you hear mine! I had food poisioning when I was young, but it never bothered me afterwards. About 4 yrs. ago while raising my child myself, I started worrying about handling meats, fearing I accidentally might make her ill. Then, all the fuss about people spreading Ecoli from improper hand washing was all over the media. Great, now my mind has added that fear. I wash like I'm going into surgery. I've given up on finding a mate. I hate the OCD thing...who would want me this way? People act like I'm totally durranged. Everyday I pray for help. Not able to take the med.s some people are. Just keep on trying!

Shamus - ziglen@yahoo.com - 33

Comments - When I was 4, I was given a Gold Star from the Headmistress of my school for a piece of artwork. Why? Because it was perfectly symmetrical. Little did anyone know..... I am now 33, and after around 30 years of OCD, dealt with a lot of my anger and hurts from the past, learnt to analyse myself with insight and work hard at overcoming both obsessions and compulsions. Life is easier than 5 years ago - OCD now reduced to merely severe lol. No-one that ain't ever had it could ever know.....

Jill Brooks - brooksjill@hotmail.com - 31

Comments -

Jill Brooks - brooksjill@hotmail.com - 31

Comments -

james Riggio - rigojar@hotmail.com - 28

Comments - I have had so many miserable experiences because of my OCD. I take Luvox now and go to behavior therapy twice a week and want to get better.

james Riggio - rigojar@hotmail.com - 28

Comments - I have had so many miserable experiences because of my OCD. I take Luvox now and go to behavior therapy twice a week and want to get better.

debbie - teddygirl56@aol.com - 44

Comments - life go's on!

Ryan - Rypax@aol.com - 29

Comments - At this point in battle with OCD, I've come to not expect to comepletely beat it. It's like instead of going up huge mountains and down deep valleys, I have to accept there are going to be speed bumps along the journey. Believe me, the bumps give a hell of a lot better ride!

Louise - louise17@flashmail.com - 17

Comments - I've had OCD for 10 years but was only diagnosed earlier this year. I'd really like someone else with OCD to talk to. I'm a checker.

Meghan - Meg9656@aol.com - 17

Comments - I have been living w/ ocd for as long as I can remember, but I've just been diagnosed a little over a year ago. I do crazy things like jumping on the bed after I flush the toilet and pulling over to see every light turn from green to red. I want someone I can laugh w/ about this crazy "disorder" and I also want someone to talk to (seriously)

stacy - stacy31c@aol.com - 32

Comments - hi im trying to get help for ocd. i had a very bad experience with all the meds. with long term side effects. im off them now. but i am trying to fight this ocd like crazy. i have this spinning, going in and out of doorways. to touch, to retrace foot stepps. well a whole mess of stuff. i hope there will be a cure soon though.

laurie - lkennie1@maine.rr.com - 31

Comments - Hi. I'm not exactly sure if i have Ocd or not but i do suffer from experiences that effect my life in ways that seem parallel to those with Ocd. For the most part I live a normal life, but occasionally i go off on a tanget where i convince myself that i have a disease. My worst experience was when i thought i had MS. I started having strange symptoms and my fears got worse and worse until i ended up in the psychiatric ward of a hospital for nine days. I was totally obsessed with the fear of MS. I have been tested over and over again but i does not show up. I have also had fears about Aids and breast cancer and other diseases. My fears get out of control and make my life unbearable sometimes. That God i am Ok for the moment. I dread the day when i convince myself that i am dying again. I it the worst feeling..

Jason - jas_burr@hotmail.com - 25

Comments - i`ve had ocd now for nearly 4 years, but realise now that i`ve had it for alot longer, i suffer from doubt about things i may have done (even though i have not done anything) thoughts about not liking people even though i know i do, thoughts of life , god , space its really getting me down, i`d love to chat to anyone who feels the same (maybe we can help each other)

scylla - scylla@tbcnet.com - 40

Comments - im hungry

Kerri - Karisma_9@hotmail.com - 20

Comments - I suffer from ocd amoung other things. My fellow ocd'ers are in my thoughts and prayers! I wish we could all have our lives back.

Kerri - Karisma_9@hotmail.com - 20

Comments - I suffer from ocd amoung other things. My fellow ocd'ers are in my thoughts and prayers! I wish we could all have our lives back.

Kerri - Karisma_9@hotmail.com - 20

Comments - "Where ever you run, there you are"

Tara - (again) - 15

Comments - EXCELSIOR. (ever onward) Where can I get diagnosed?

Varlyne - bmd909@hotmail.com - 36

Comments - For so long I wanted to know I was not the only one who suffered, now I know I'm not alone, I wish I was. Too bad so many suffer with this awful thing.

S.WOODS - RAMS2000@DELLNET.COM - 49

Comments -

Lauren - zts2000@yahoo.com - 20

Comments - I am not ashamed that I have OCD. I am not afraid to tell people why I go to a mental health counselor. I am so happy to know there is a name for what I have. I am so glad to be able to tell someone about the things I do without worrying I will be locked away somewhere. For such a long time I felt so alone. I never knew that I was not.

Amanda - adb156@psu.edu - 22

Comments - I was diagnosed with OCD when I was 13 (I'm and checker and a counter and I have occasional episodes of obsessively analytical rage). I was seeing a psychiatrist for a few months and I was on medication. After some BAD experiences with the medicine, I stopped therapy altogether and I've been trying to fight it by myself. Nine years later, I have decided to seek help again. This decision was very difficult because it makes me feel weak that I have not been able to help myself enough. But, I realized that I need to do something about it before it's too late. Wish me luck...

Stanley W. Shura - stan.shura@excite.com - 28

Comments - I've had OCD all my life from what I can tell. I learned about this "thing" called OCD probably 7 or 8 years ago. I was first dx'ed in '95, had some major ups and downs before and since - and just saw a therapist this past Monday for the first time in over 4 years. I had simply been too anxious and overwhelmed to pick up that phone and try dealing with this again. But I remember what a relief I gained from medication five years ago. I went from being suicidal, depressed and hopelessly trapped in indecision, repetition, and uncertainty. Let me just say, in example, that there are just too many damned faucets in a dormitory! Well, after a semester on an SSRI, I earned a 4.0. I found myself able to focus, decide, and laugh as I caught myself fiddling with my light switch and JUST STOP! It's with that memory that I begin the work all over again. Just trying to connect with the only other people who could possibly relate. I wish strength and peace to everyone here. -stan

bam - bettyann@localnet.com - 42

Comments - I've had OCD for years but just started on meds recently. The hardest part of this disease is feeling like you're going crazy and no one has any idea how you feel. It's holds on so tight................

bam - bettyann@localnet.com - 42

Comments - To Tara: If you want to talk e-mail me.

Khristine Peralta - Milkfed79@aol.com - 21

Comments - Where there's a will there's a way...

One Cool Dude - OneCooolDude@hotmail.com - 47

Comments - Please visit my WebPage and sign my Guest Book. http://members.bellatlantic.net/~houndg/

Ches T - - 17

Comments - I have suffered from OCD since I was 11, but I didn't know what it was until last year. Not only did I suffer, but my family suffered. But I am seeking help. And do you know where I found this help? Church. I went to a faith healing session, and it worked! While I am not cured, I am better. Now I have abetter social life, and better relationships with my family and, more importantly, God.

ayca - aycatoru@hotmail.com - 17

Comments - I ll die...

Kelly - DumDum328@aol.com - 13

Comments - Hi. My name is Kelly. I am 13 years old. I was not diagnosed with OCD by any doctor or anything, I actually never knew I used to have OCD until 5 hours ago. It all started around Holloween in 1999. One day I accedently pulled out one of my eyelashes, I was like, oh, cool, let me see if I can pull out another, so I did. I did this almost every single day, which scared me. Around Christmas time, I was at school, and some girl came up to me and told me how small my eyelashes were. I was very upset and taken aback because I never knew it was something anyone else could see, or knew about. I thought only me, and the person inside my head who was telling me to do this knew about it. After this girl said it it, I got to thinking. I thought about how I should stop. I stopped pulling out my eyelashes. Then, my family went on vacation. I was sitting next to my brother, I then told him that he had really long eyelashes, which was something stupid to say, since i knew he would of noticed my barley-visible lashes. Then he said, take one out so we could compare ours, so I did. His eyelashes were almost 3 times longer then mine! He made fun of me the whole trip. Again, I was foolish to pull them out because I started pulling them again for the whole trip. It was almost like I was addicted to pulling them out. I could'nt stop. If I "accidently" pulled one out from one eye, I would have to do it from the other, then I would keep pulling them out from each eye. One day my mom noticed that I was pulling them, and said that I had to stop. They told me that it was a really big problem that I was doing something like that, and that it was called self-mutilation. Everyday for about a month they asked me why I was doing it. I really had no reason, so I made up things like stress, and loads of school work. I became so embarresed and ashamed that two other people have noticed my obsession. I then began my "curing" stage as I like to call it. Not thinking, I consantly started to pull, then I thought about what I would look like, and what people would say if it turned out that I did not have any eyelashes anymore. It took me around 10 months to cure myself. Now i never pull any eyelashes out, and if I start to I yell at myself. So, around 5 hours ago I was reading the magazine, JUMP! it has a story in it about a girl who did the same thing as me, but only ended up with NO Eyelashes and NO Eyebrows! I then thanked God for not letting me pull out all my eyelashes and eyebrows. In that story it also stated how what we were doing was called OCD. I was so shocked, yet almsot happy knowing that I was not the only person in the world that does that. Also form that article, I found a sudden urge to tell my story, and to try to help people. So this is my story. I felt like sharing it. Thank you very much for your time. I greatly appreciate it. -Kelly

Bat21 - vharry@erols.com - 42

Comments - It's mainly CHEMICAL. To help yourselves just say out loud, "ITS NOT ME, ITS MY OCD". At least I don't think I ran over someone with my car anymore! Brain Lock is a great book to get. Written by Dr. Swartz. And yes, you can actually change your own brain chemistry. Anyone with OCD is a FRIEND OF MINE! Sincerely, Val (Bat21)

Michael Mainor - mmainor@bellsouth.com - 35

Comments - Hebrews 11:1 Now Faith is the substance of things hoped for the evidence of things not seen. "It must be an active Faith."

vikky - nintyninhalos@aol.com - 35

Comments - I've had OCD since I was 6, my father died, and OCD took his place, I don't feel sorry for myself, but my son has it too. He also has more letters to follow his name ADHD.

Ryan - rwhirty@hotmail.com - 27

Comments - I obsess about racial issues. I constantly worry about whether I am a racist. I can't watch TV without having horrible thoughts. I can't listen to music; if I listen to James Brown, I think I'm only listening to it to prove I'm not racist, and if I listen to the Who, I take that as proof that I only like white stuff. I often end up going to bed for days at a time because the thoughts only stop when I'm asleep. It's as if I am trying to convince myself that I'm evil, that I'm the next Hitler. I punch myself in the head or bang my head on the wall, hoping that I will pass out or get brain damage -- anything to stop the thoughts. I often wish I was mentally handicapped -- a vegetable -- so this would all stop. I KNOW I'm not racists. I KNOW I'm not hateful. I KNOW I love James Brown. But my mind won't stop. I hate my brain. I hate it.

Poe - pistachiopuddin@onebox.com - 21

Comments - I just keep waiting for something to give...me or the OCD I have been crippled by this as well as the depression.The mental health people aren't working fast enough for me .I tried one medicine for 3 days it made me sick I get to try round 2 on Jan.10th.I would give ANYTHING to not keep cleaning or fixing for just one day.This is going to be a long road out of hell.I hope I have the strength....E-mail if you want to chat.

Kim - kimba31@aol.com - 33

Comments - Hi, I think I've had o.c.d. since I was a kid although I didn't know till I was in my teens and went to the doctors because I was depressed and kept having thoughts of hurting someone in my family, among other crazy thoughts that just wouldn't go away. I have been on different medications along the way and have been to therapy as well. The medication I'm on now is Luvox. I just went back on since having my second child almost 7 mo.'s ago now. The worst thing about this condition is thinking you're going to go crazy. I get extremely anxious at times over it. I pray for everyone that someday we will all have freedom from this. It can be very difficult to deal with at times. I just finished reading the wall for the first time and it's nice to know I'm not the only one. I don't really know anyone personally that has this. I don't really have compulsions like I did when I was younger. I remember being a kid and I having to fold my dirty clothes or when I cleaned my bedroom it would take me for ever since I had to everything so precisely. I wish I knew sooner what it was. I also obsecc about catching cancer. I now know you can't catch cancer. I just hope and pray that neither one of my daughters gets this. If they do though at least they'll have some one that can relate to them. I will continue to fight my o.c.d. and hope that someday I am free completely from it. I hope everyone else with this will also have freedom from it. Take care. Feel free to e-mail me if you want. Thanks for listening. Kim

Janeen - MalibuBarbie1959@aol.com - 41

Comments - Know it's the ocd, not YOU

Kimberly Thompson - kim@eagleenterprise.com - 39

Comments - I have suffered from OCD for over 21 years. On my own website, I tell my personal story. It is told from a Christian perspective, but is meant to give hope to all who may be suffering. I invite all to visit my page. http://www.eagleenterprise.com/kim

sandy yannarelli - sjohnson7@avaya.com - 54

Comments - I WAS BORN WITH OCD AND WILL DIE OF IT, BUT SO WHAT I HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL NOW, AND I DON'T LET IT CONTROL ME. I FOUND OUT I HAD A CHEMICAL IMBALANCE AND WENT TO A GREAT THERAPIST AND THE PSYCHIATRIST HELPED MANAGE THE MEDS. I TAKE 150 MG OF LUVOX A DAY. I MANAGED MY BEHAVIOR WITH BOTH THE THERAPY AND MEDICATION TOGETHER AND I AM FREE AT LAST AND HAVE MY LIFE BACK!! YOU CAN TOO

Neil - snoozer@tinyworld.co.uk - 37

Comments - An anthem for sufferers .Artist;David Gray. Album:White Ladder, Song title: My oh my: My oh my you know it just dont stop, it's in my mind I wanna tear it up, iv'e tried to fight it tried to turn it off but it's not enough, it takes a lot of love my friend to keep your heart from freezing, to push on till the end. My oh my what on earth is going on in my head, you know I used to be so sure, you know I used to be so definate... I look around these days i'm not so sure and my oh my you know it just don't stop, its in my mind I wanna tear it up. Ive tried to fight it tried to turn it off but it's not enough, takes a lotta love....my oh my you know I just can't win, I burn it down it comes right back again what kind of world is this we're livin in where you never win....my oh my you know it just don't stop. I'm sure David did not write it thinking of OCD but it is a powerful song which helps me. Anyone else feel the same?

Deborah - amber37849@msn.com - 34

Comments - I believe that through ourselves we can heal, with help. Sometimes we think we have healed..only to find we were going through a short break in the evergoing lasting syndrome. Im just glad I can put a name to this hell of mine

tammy - missgirl64@yshoo.com - 36

Comments - Is there anyone elso out there who is convinced that they are going to hell. I am one of those sufferers. I tried to not believe in God any more but I do believe in him and feel as though he will punish me for the thoughts. They come almost constantly. I don't trust myself with my kids anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm maxed out on prozac and I take zyprexa an antipsychotic for goodness sakes. I should be better.

Val/Bat21 - vharry@erols.com - 42

Comments - It's a chemical imbalance in our brains. It causes unwanted thoughts, rituals, and compulsive actions, It's called Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and we at the wall have nothing to be ashamed of. Our brains just have a cold, so to speak. Sometimes my OCD keeps me fearful of sleeping...I stay up 42 hrs a shot sometimes. If any of you have fears regarding going to sleep without having a panic attack write to me. The OCD just keeps that trauma from ending in my brain. It's not fun to have Depression, OCD, PTSD, Panic Disorder, and Fibromylgia. It's not easy for any of us on this wall to deal with this muddy water; because much of the time, the water is never totally clear. Thus, we must survive and learn new coping skills. All of us deserve a live that's worth living. It's kind of like having diabetes; it's just a different kind of struggle. God Bless This "WALL"...God Bless Us All.

Shelley - eryckandme@yahoo.ca - 27

Comments - I suffer from OCD and Bipolar Disorder and at times wonder what is worse... there is my OCD flair ups that make me sure I have lost my mind yet everyone around me just doesn't get it, then there is my black numbing depressions that make me fight for my life. My sister always tells me, this too shall pass. I hope she is right, however I feel that the only way I can beat this is for it to take human form and battle to the death. My heart empathizes with you all.

Linda - L_Joy7@yahoo.com - 20

Comments - "Life is not worth killing yourself over."

Justin Varner - samsonvarner@hotmail.com - 19

Comments - "What a joke this disease is-it is a wonder how I still live."

Bill Jateff - volvoforever@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Its hard for me to write a Report on OCD that last all year with out trying to see if I have it or not.

Ken - kendanpat@aol.com - 59

Comments - I've had OCD for 45 years. been flattened by it many times, but dealing with it now. Life is sweet again and I work with people with the problem. Try the charity website; www.anxietycare.org.uk

tammy - -

Comments -

lemon tree - krazia@usa.net - 24

Comments - hi everybody this is a message from a far away country, Turkey. i have been suffering from ocd and i sometimes really feel very unhappy. But here i want to thank everybody in every site about ocd who talks about his/her ocd. Becouse relasing that i am not alone and there are people feeling just like me makes me feel better. That is all i want to say. Sorry for my english. All take care :)

Patrick Milam - pmilam3362@aol.com - 24

Comments - My OCD has to do with repetitions. It's nice knowing why I feel like I have to repeat things.

Simon - s.dean@hotmail.com - 24

Comments - Hi everyone. I got diagnosed with repetition OCD last year. I am having a very hard time with it now, it is getting worse and i feel like it is totally out of my control. I used to be able to have a life with it, like it would be hard, i'd have to open and shut my car door continuosly while driving. This would get ppl in the car very annoyed, but i'd have to make sure it was shut properly. My friend said he would jump out of the car if i didn't pull over and let him drive, because we were going on a long camping trip and i'd been doing it for 2 hours. He doesn't hang out with me anymore, i can understand it. I can't go on anymore like this though. I somehow started squatting in the middle of walking. My doctor said it has developed in to severe compulsive OCD, he gave me a prescription but i want to live naturally. Anyway i will overcome this thing, i know i can. I have been robbed of my life. If i take 6 footsteps i have to squat down before i can take my next 6. I can't walk anywhere anymore. : (

Shirley - pelicanstwo@aol.com - 43

Comments - I really need some in put here, my 5 year old daughter is OCD. I had never heard of it till now. Is there anyone that could help me understand what goes on in her little head!Her problem is imbarssing so if interested in helping email me. Thanks

Jo - joskimo@ivillage.com - 33

Comments - I love that there's a place to go so I don't feel so alone in my thoughts and actions. I have mild OCD and my day is filled with all sorts of avoidance techniques so I can continue on and not have an anxiety attack.

Anthony - -

Comments - OCD IS GONE! I went through bad ocd for many years. I fought it believing that I could change the way my mind thinks. Through GOD and the prayers of others I am not affected by this disorder. Pray to GOD for healing. Then challenge your thoughts, realizing the mind is like a muscle and us with ocd have to build up our mind. It will take a little time but you can overcome. I take 50mg of Celexa a day, these SSRI medications do help in overcoming the beast of ocd. May GOD-BLESS you all and have mercy on you. Praise GOD, anthony

Matt - b1ade@aol.com - 21

Comments - I'm struggling right now, but God has led me to this and many other websites which confirm I am NOT ALONE. I've had disturbing thoughts about doing something horrible to my future child and sometimes to any child (such as abusing, molesting, etc). Call upon the name of Jesus Christ, believe in your heart that he is the Son of God and that he died for your sins, and was raised from the dead...and you shall be saved.

micky - mickyboy66@yahoo.com - 31

Comments - This disease is really tough and you must find your inner strength to battle those trying moments. Reading through the board, it sounds live everyone has their own tough times, and it certainly makes me feel better not to be alone with this disease. I've been struggling with this since I was 18, and I only found out what was wrong with me in the last 5 years or so. It was a revelation. Now, even though I take Luvox and Xanax (on occasions) OCD still rears it's ugly head from time to time. The anexiety is really tough. Right now my fears center around flying, but it's been many things over the years. My thoughts go out to all of you in your times of need. Hang in there and keep fighting. Good luck.

Wendy - NOODLES44@prodigy.net - 45

Comments - I am here to tell you that OCD CAN BE BEAT! I have recovered tremendously from SEVERE OCD, thanks to Prozac, education and support of others. You CAN overcome this monster. WRITE ME for a message of inspiration and hope!

Julie - Mimi42@prodigy.net - 58

Comments - I have suffered from some sort of ocd for as long as I can remember. I have isssues about contamination, thinking I have diseases, and many troublesome repetetive thoughts. I have taken many different medications,marplan an mao inhibitor, xanax had a serious addiction kicked that, Sinequan, as well as several kinds of tranquilizers. I am currently taking 40mg Paxil daily and it is helping. I also sufffer from GERD which is another problem in itself. I wonder if the gerd is somehow caused by the OCD. I have had times over the years when I did very well and have crashed many times as well. I am doing okay now getting by but I still worry about dying, have nightmares, and just wish I could hold my body still without moving something all the time. I also have restless leg syndrome which is very dissconcerting. I wonder sometimes why Me Lord, although now that I am doing fairly well it feeels good because I have been to hell and anything beats the bottom. I will gladly chat with anyone, I will try to help someone or will be happy if someone can help me. I read the board and saw luvor mentioned several times I would like to learn more about this drug with which I am not familiar. May we all see better days.

keebler - chaos777@mail.com - 14

Comments - "breath to live...live to die...."

Amjad Altaf - altafamjad@hotmail.com - 27male

Comments - Iam 27 male from pakistan due to loose of money I shot myself two time now I feel that Iam bad stars I ahve no friends compel to think about suicide plz help me

Am - queen_midas5@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - I am one of the ocd success stories, I was diagnosed in my final year of school and yet I carried on, did well and am now practically ocd free. I just wanted to share this story with all the ocd sufferes out there to give you hope. Everyone can do it, and one day you will! Be positive, believe there is a way to overcome it and everything will work out! love and hugs, am!=)

Jenny - clashled@hotmail.com - 17

Comments - hi people, i'm pretty sure i've got ocd but i haven't done anything like write about it before because i thought that you'd all think i've got some other mental problem instead. talking of other mental problems... i have also suffered from depression, anxiety, very low self-esteem/confidence, and what i think is bdd(body dismorphic disorder) for about 3 to 4 yrs. (don't i sound like a well rounded human being!) my obsessions and especially my compulsions seem different to everyone else's, most of you have problems with checking and re-doing things but my compulsions are really disgusting. that's why i've resisted from actually writing them down before, but here go's.... i literally can't stop myself from harming my skin, it's mostly my face; i pick at it, inspect it for spots and stuff and then make anything i find worse, make sores, and do other stupid disgusting things. my eyebrows are also messed up. i end up with red marks all over my face, i'm worried because i'm getting scars too. because of what i do i take hours & hours trying to cover up my face to get ready to let anyone see me and rarely go out because most times i can't stand the thought of leaving the house and having people see the horrible things on my face. i have practicly no friends or social life. and i'm so angry and frustrated because i never used to be like this and most people my age are going out with their mates and having fun. i feel like my life is wasting away while i'm stuck in this downward spiral. i've moaned on a bit too much here and still missed out loads of stuff, anyway, i hope at least 1 or 2 people have had the patience to read all of this and i wouldn't mind if anyone round about my age emails me to talk about ocd seeing as i've never had contact with anyone with ocd. thanks...

kim - queenbizzy59@aol.com - 30

Comments - I am writing in remebrance of my mother who died on Feb 8 2001. Also with her ocd she was living with an abusice alcoholic who made her life a living nightmare. She had gotten to where sheh would not eat and was dieing a slow death. May she rest in peace but we will not until we know the final truth! god bless all of you and I pray for your recovery.

- brit_chick40@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - hi,im 16, and ive had ocd since i was 4. i have constant thoughts of doing stupid things,like when i walk past a river, i have the urge to jump in, or push someone in.i also have to do certain things a certain number of times,either 3,4, or 8times, or any number linked with the 8x table.i also have emotional stuff, like if my b/f mentions that he was out with a few girls, i constantly think that he fancys her, and that he is gonna dump me for her.when i have a bath, i have to get out,then get back in b4 i can properly start washing. i also pick out my eyelashes,and have also been doing this since i was about 4yrs old. i have never known what a life without ocd is like and i dont think i ever will-my parents dont understand-my mum even said once when i was doing one of my rituals:"wats the matter wiv u? u got ocd or something?" in a really bitchy tone.noone understands properly what i am going through-every kind of ocd thing u can imagain-i proberbly do it.i hope there are people out there who understand and possibly help-im too scared to get meds as that would mean telling my parents and that is the last thing i want. i know people who look at this site will understand, so if you feel alone too, feel free to email me. thanx for your time.XX

james riggio - rigojar@hotmail.com - 29

Comments - What are these medications doing to me? I'm taking 50mg a day of the SSRI medication, Celexa. I feel the dose is way to high. MY "QUESTION" Does anyone know what Seretonin Syndrome is?????? Please send me some information about this to my E-mail address. Thanks in advance for your help. Sincerely James

- brit_chick40@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - I guess im learning, i must be warmer now ill soon be turning round that corner now outside the dawn is breaking, but inside in the dark, im aching to be free-queen:"the show must go on"

falmon - lawmon0214@aol.com - 35

Comments - I have trichotilomania, I hairpull. I ahave two horrid spots on my head. I take meds, but aren't working. Recently I have desired to go back towork, but, also children are having needs, want to find others like me. I have had this for more than 17 years.

Luala - Luala@webtv.net - 24

Comments - If life is a roller-coaster Then I'd like to hop off First, I'd quietly mention my distress In a voice that's low and soft But when no one seems to hear me I will then start to scream If they still fail to do something Then I'll hold the beam I'll STOP the roller-coaster car myself! If life is a roller-coaster Then I don't want to ride I'll make the rules for myself because I suffer inside.

mike - mmobius@netzero.net - 29

Comments - Thank God I'm not alone!

Mario - mario766@hotmail.com - 24

Comments - May God bless all OCD sufferers. I one of those procastinators perfectionists that hates OCD... but doesn't imagine his live without it. Crying almost always help.

mike - mikeliv@yahoo.com - 30

Comments - Hi, I have severe OCD; I have been on max. dose of Prozac for years(including Effexor, Serzone, etc.)What is the best drug to treat it or most common? Thoughts on Celexa please, thank you.

Karen - barisrule@hotmail.com - 49

Comments - My therapist thinks I may have OCD but I'm not sure yet. I just am not functioning normally, and I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. The other postings here contain a lot of hope. Maybe there's help for me too.

SarahBeth - - 35

Comments - I don't remember a time when I didn't have OCD. I mean, I was always kind of fanatical about everything being perfect. Like many OCD sufferers, my symptoms really started escalating during adolescence. I was ridiculously fastidious about my wardrobe and appearance, but then lots of teenagers are. Then came marriage and motherhood. Somehow, they pushed my OCD into the danger zone. My house not only had to be clean, it had to be sanitized. At all times. Everything in it, including my three children, had to be decontaminated on a regular basis. Shoes had to be left outside the front door. Baths had to be taken before bedrooms could be entered. Bedrooms, like all rooms in the house, had to be spotlessly sanitary. Wrinkles were out of the question. Linens had to be changed, laundered, and ironed, over and over and over. You can imagine how much time and energy were consumed in order to maintain these unrealistic standards. It not only took a terrible toll on me, but on my whole family. Imagine having a mother who files your play clothes as if they were official documents. I felt I had to do these good things to prevent bad things from happening. When I finally sought help for my behavior, I learned this good things vs bad things logic is common with OCD. And that OCD itself is a lot more common than most people realize. I can't tell you how comforting it was just to learn that.

Jeanie - Summerizbk@aol.com - 38

Comments - Never give up you never no what treatments or medications they will come up with tommorrow...Keep on keeping on and determine to beat the illness and not let the illness win anymore...

Deli Maldonado - DELIMAL@webtv.net - 77

Comments - Ret. Reg Nurse. Never heard about OCD during my Nursing career. Still think the Medical profession have a long way to go as far as OCD goes.

comalco - comalco@cyberone.com.au - 36

Comments - I have had this illness since I was eight years old. I don't take medication as I hate the side effects. I find the best way to deal with my OCD is to not fight it, just accept that I have had the thought and that it's not my fault. Staying calm helps a lot too. Hang in there.

~Sani~ - saniwani@yahoo.co.uk - 35

Comments - Sending loads of love and luck to all those on the determined fight to break free from the killer of potential ~ OCD.

Sara - warpedchick_99@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - I haven't been diagnosed, but I'm almost positive that I have ocd. I feel that I have to be perfect, I clean constantly, I check my alarm clock, oven, and locks over and over before I can go to sleep. I can't deal with change or meeting new people. I have my rituals and everything has a certain spot. When I'm around new people or in new places, I get really nervous and paraniod. I'm glad to finally know that I'm not crazy or alone.

Nikki - nrsherwood@adelphia.net - 26

Comments - I have been diagnosed as having O.C.D. I am having obsessive thoughts that are controlling my life. I will hold my head up...I will recover.

malah - daffy@blueyonder.com.uk - 31

Comments - I have ocd most of my life which means i've never savoured life. My mind runs like a horror film and i've hated myself to the point of repulsion. i haven't ever known love or really known enjoyment but i have known envy,self pity and hate and rage.It is taking every second of every day to try and love myself and hopefully one true and positive thought will get through. my message is try and love yourself even when the monsters are there.

deb - emaneerks@hotmail.com - 42

Comments - count to four... count to three, then count to four count to ten, then count some more and if you land on number eight everything will turn out great or will it now? can you be sure? that seems a bit premature so count again, four, eight, sixteen not six, or nine, or in between if the counting ever really stops then you better check the locks are they latched secure and tight are they fastened oh... just right you have to check to really know this is how it seems to go you're never sure, you second guess you're never positive... unless... you check again... the lock, the door and then again you count to four...

Kate - DunkiesChk@aol.com - 20

Comments - I just wanted to say hey to everyone. I was diagnosed with OCD a year ago..obsessive thoughts on death and dying, and getting serously ill...and it's been one hell of a trip with therapy and my meds...but I've been doing very well..I've accepted it, learned to deal with it. I've learned to love myself, and worry less. And sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror, I smile like a moron, because in my eyes, I see my strength. I see that I have survived..I see that I can do anything..and it's just amazing.

Linda - Chum777 - linev@yahoo.com - 44

Comments - This is the first time I have visited the wall, it touched me so deeply. I'm not alone anymore. I was just diagnosed about 4 months ago with OCD, Bipolar and anxiety problems. I've always Known something was wrong with me, just did't have a name for it. I've counted, checked,did every thing over so many times its cruel. But that is'nt the worst the mind games that you know aren't rational,but they just about destroy you. The darkside that I fight everyday would scare somebody normal. I've had a couple of deaths in my family, (Husband, Father) that at times have almost thrown me over the edge. The only thing that kept me going is my faith in God, and I hope with Meds (Luvoxa, Klonopin) and therapy that there is hope. I makes me sick my son also has OCD, the guilt I bear for everything. But I'm so glad to find this website and my fellow survivors. Thanks for being hear.

Linda - Chum777 - linev@yahoo.com - 44

Heather - HeathGrrl31186@aol.com - 15

Comments - Someone once asked me how I would decorate an egg to represent my depression and OCD. I said it would be black and gray, observing the darkness that one suffering from depression lives in, and have bars around it, to represent the prison that my own mind has placed me in through OCD. Every day is so hard, and I just try to survive. I am so alone. This best describes what goes on within my mind: "I learned the difference between living and alive Wall to wall roaches, in a two by four infested room Lying there in pain Praying for the Lord to take [me]" -Eliot Sloan and C.P. Roth

Anne - - 37

Comments - "If you don't quit, and don't cheat, and don't run home when trouble arrives, you can only win." by " Shelley Long

Doug - bookjunkkee68@yahoo.com - 32

Comments - My commute to work used to be spent worrying that I'd left a lit cigarette somewhere in my house, that a fire had started.....

Donna - cadesus@hotmail.com - 36

Comments - I have been alone with this for so long, I had almost given up, then I found the internet. I now "know" I am no longer alone. Thank you.

Jonathan - jonathanstoney@hotmail.com - 20

Comments - Hey, wow, this is my first time really knowing that there are others, well my heart and love goes out to all of you... and to those of you that haven't yet sought help, please do....cause this is your life and you don't have to be a slave to your thoughts...and I know all of you have atleast one special person in your life who will try and understand...and if you don't.....I'll be that person. I was diagnosed almost two years ago, but I've had it aslong as I can remember, but I finally took a big step and told my doctor, and then seeing his help and having his sympathy and understanding and support lead me to feel like people will accept me, no matter what. Now it is about 2 years later and everyone in my life knows, and everyone I meet, they find out too....I really don't hide it, because that would mean there was something to hide, and that just is simply not the case. My OCD, my "condition" doesn't define me, how I live with it, how I deal with it, that does. I don't regret anything I have done or have had befallen upon me, everything before this moment, has helped make me who I am today, but it would be alot easier if I had trusted myself and my family to come out and seek help along time ago. I just can't say enough and I can't pray enough that those of you who aren't sure what to do, and aren't sure how to tell someone, how to find help....do. Regardless of what you want to believe this is a part of you and you need to be open to that, and let those who love you, who care about you be open to it too. I just feel like for so long I cheated so many people out of knowing the real me....so, please....do it when you are ready, do it when you are strong, do it when you can...do it now. Ciao, and may comfort and compassion find you... " Desire like candlelight Flickers when someone walks by Fear and delight And the wind etches an echoed scream that makes me fade away Silken moments, vaguely guised in hidden veils of forgotten lies As hard as I might try, I can’t seem to forget your face Moments pass, as the candle can’t last Dripping wax, it’s a part of me, blinded by the pain of it Troubled eyes beg not to see Still I burn, a glimmer of light against a scape that can’t be seen Twisted fate, brought on by dying dreams In the last moments, I’ll wonder why In the last moments, I’ll wonder what if In the last moments, I’ll be thankful for this gift The candle burns out, and I enter into the darkness as a ghost, to be remembered… Only as I was to you." by Jonathan......let them know you.

Jonathan - jonathanstoney@hotmail.com - 20 : )

Comments - Betrayed by the shallow deceit of your lies So you wonder if you meant the web you have woven to entangle you To finally embrace how fragile you are Being lost when you feel the road is long and the shortest way home The place still unknown Unfamiliar knowledge inspired by despondent feelings of comfort Sinking in the sand of the desert you thought to cross Only to show you could Knowing that if it was wanted it would Tempted by the eyes that would not say they saw you Fated to be alive in the way that you only know Drowning in a sea of your soul’s desperate sorrow Contempt for your trials But you doth be thy judge And your emotions a jury you can’t buy And all of this begotten because of a lie You were and you are only Fooling yourself Because there is no one else To walk this path with you And you know And you know Know now that expressions cannot absolve your guilt As in the end every rose does wilt And you know And you have known Blinded now only by the constrained consideration That the articulated correspondence to your own vanity Could be the only true lie This is all about not knowing and knowing and not seeing and seeing....does anyone understand?

malah - chocolatebear.@yahoo.co.uk - 31

Comments - Love to everyone.I hate my ocd, i hate it with a passion, sometimes i imagine it's a preson and i can physically fight the ****. that would be great but no i have to sit like a quivering demeted freak and wait for it to pass. I so want to be normal, but i'll keep on I always want to cry is that feeling sorry for myself.I want to belong not at anyone expense, just to exist, to fit in. At least i've found a place.

malah - chocolatebearuk@yahoo.co.uk - 31

wahbey - wahbey@iwon.com - 53

Comments - I hurt, I hurt because my family thinks I am a pervert, I hurt because the people I use to worship with think I am demented so they had to ostersize me, I hurt because I did nothing wrong, I hurt because my mother died suddenly when I was 15 and I got sick, I hurt because not one cared, I am still hurting because now my grandchildren know of this horrible illness that I can't control, I am in so much pain and I guess GOD will rescue me soon, anyway I pray he will.

Michelle - lee67@healthyplace.com - 33

Comments - OCD It gets worse if I work against it.If I work with it it wins.Meds help 20 percent,and therapy can help if the ocd lets it in.but i wish there was a pill that would take those instant attacks away in an instant,it would avoid all the pain and suffering.

Jonathan - jonathanstoney@hotmail.com - 20

Comments - Someone with OCD email me please!!!!! Just to chat, even if it is just once. :)

Lauryn Alexis - lauryn@epix.net - 18

Comments - For years I have struggled with this. I have a need to get everything just right or "just so." In my battle, I have fallen into illegal drugs, on top of my daily legal cocktail. People with OCD are the strongest people in the world, because they live their lives in anxiety, in frustration, in pain, but are still expected to perform as anyone else would. They feel that there is nobody who will ever be able to understand, and hide in embarrassment from everyday activities. It is a depressing way to carry-on, but we do. We are brave. We are brave because we are scared, and we continue to strive.

Dylan Gregory - CryngOvrPingPong@AOL.com - 18

Comments - I was diagnosed with OCD when I was maybe 10 or 11. It was terrible in late elementary school (fear of diseases and death to a family member), but after a bit, medication began to help. Now, though, it is flaring up again. I worry if I call a friend once and he doesn't answer. I envision the terrible things that may have happened. It's painful and heartwrenching and I cannot control it or my actions to "ward it off."

Dylan Gregory - CryngOvrPingPong@AOL.com - 18

Gail_Carpenter - Gail_Carpenter @catawba.k12.nc.us. - 54

Comments - I really need some help

Ryan - - 17

Comments - I first had o.c.d. when i was 12. I would always think about stuff i absolutely detested. I felt so alone, and i never told anyone about my own conflagration going on inside my head. Nowadays i worry that im going to hell and i sometimes have horrible thoughts about God. I wish that it would end but i realize that it won't ever. But i can dream that just like Beetoven said that he would hear in heaven one day ill be able to think without trepidation. Does anyone out there ever worry about brain-damage?

Guy Graham - guyti2001@yahoo.com - 34

Comments - OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks. OCD sucks.

delanie - spacestar27@yahoo.com - 25

Comments - ocd joke... who ever thought of thinking*** more 2 tell... do e*mail... spaceyD* delanie

Brandi Burgio - bburgio916@aol.com - 26

Comments - i'm at war with my mind and i will be the one to come out on top!

NicolaValentine - nicolavalentine@hotmail.com - 29

Comments - I suffer from severe OCD.It has totally taken over my life and almost destroyed my marriage.I live in fear every moment. I have the most horrible thoughts and then I have the fear will I act on these thoughts?At this moment I'am trying to get help,I'm not sure what will happen next.I've never been totally honest with anyone about these thoughts until now,because I feel I just can't go on like this.I've always been afraid someone would think I was crazy or horrible.Anyone suffering from this is welcome to email me,I'd be happy to talk with you.

Paulina - __pau__@yahoo.com - 22

Comments - The person I love the most has OCD, I am desperate I want to help him, I don´t know how. Please Help Me! What can I do to encourage him, how can I give him more support? But still I know: "THERE IS ALWAYS A LIGHT BEHIND THE DARKNESS."

Max - Maxinater7@aol.com - 17

Comments - I don't need no walls around me. And I don't need no drugs to calm me. I have seen the writing on this wall. Don't think I need any thing at all. No. Don't think I need anything at all. All in all we're all just the bricks in the wall. All in all we're all just the bricks in the wall. All alone, or in twos, The ones who really know you, Walk up and down outside the wall. Some hand in hand, Some gather together in bands, The bleeding hearts and artists, Make their stand. And when they've given you their all, Some stagger and fall. After all it's not easy, Banging your heart against some mad bugger's wall. Pink Floyd The Wall If you want to talk OCD, E-mail me.

zed null - iznotjuztztuff - 52

Comments - Hoarding...*iz not* a component of the *aging process*; it's the way *we cope with loneliness and abandonment* in the real world. Itz *easier* to trust something that *doeznt* attack you or *berate you!*

shell - shelldt69@aol.com - 32

Comments - Remember in all things God loves you and will never leave you. He will be your strength

Milan - ocd7788@yahoo.com - 21

Comments - Regarding OCD, I have something to suggest as a supplement to your therapy, if You have one of course. When you feel bad, and we all know what that means, try doing some hard work! When I say hard work, what I mean, is to try to activate your primal instincts, and that means, bodybuilding, run around your house, flat, or do just anything else that will raise your adrenaline. It works great for me, and I am a male, but I suppose it will do fine for female too. Just couple a minutes ago I did some weighted dips and there is no medicine that will give you this kind of life boost. You will feel self-confidence again, and maybe for a minute you will look at your problems a little bit more realistic, and for a minute you will be OK and that feels so good! One more thing… Don't think in way: " Oh no, I cant do that know, I have to solve some more important things now, like: the best way to open my flat door and not to touch it, because it has to stay clean! " . DON'T DO THAT, DON'T THINK, DON'T TALK WITH YOURSELF, JUST LAY DOWN, DO SOME PUSHUPS, DO YOUR BEST, AND BE PROUD!!! That's all folks!!!

Jawad El-Anis - hershaw_e_@hotmail.com - 22

Comments - I'm not sure if I'm a 'survivor' of OCD because I'm not exactly cured. But then again it dosen't rule my life in they same way it did three years ago. When I say 'ruled' perhaps I meant ruined. When I was 12 I was a straight A student, I received numerous academic awards. Then my OCD began to kick in, by the time I was 18 and graduated highschool I barely scraped a pass. I pretty much had every aspect of OCD except for the checking thing. After a couple of years of medication and a few months of counciling I had made a slight improvement. I guess I was lucky in that the root cause of my OCD eminated from my home town and my eventual cure (although not 100% succesful) was to just move away. The only slight glitch to this was that I ended up moving continents. But living a 90% normal exsistence makes up for this. This makes me happy where ever I am. The best advice I can give you from my own experience is to find someone special you can share your problems with, the love of someone special is the greatest medication anyone can recieve. Friendships can also work in the same way, I physically and mental felt better around my friends, I could open a door (most of the time) without rolling my sleeve over my hand. Perhaps just as important as anything else is telling your parents or gaurdians. With their help the load you carry will feel so much lighter. There are answers and there is hope, just beleive in yourself...

zed null - meatpuppet@onebox.com - 52

Comments - ...boy am i glad *that's over with!!!* just got through working for someone with *undiagnosed, untreated OCD* i needed to *disinfect my self, by changing clothes (shirt, pants, underware, sox and shoes) the minute i entered her home; a condo that she kept as though it where a museum space. i had to clean it, disinfect it, and make it look as though *no one lived there!!!* also, walk and *disinfect her dog* after the walk, and cook the evening meal. the evening meal had to be *scalding hot* when she got home, she couldn't smell it *while it was still cooking or being prepared.* all this for $10 (US) compensation. i am *quitting this friday*; i hope. she likes to manipulate people too... wish he luck!!!! zed

Katie - superbabybb@cs.com - 21

Comments - I can't remember any age when I wasn't struggling with OCD. I am so happy to see the children's section because I struggled immensely as a child with OCD, and no one seemed to understand because I couldn't explain it well. I always explained it to my parents as "A man in my head who keeps telling me to do things". When I was about 4, my sister got a sticker out of a machine at Round Table Pizza, and it was a sticker of a devil-type man. That is the face that stuck as "the man in my head". Wow, this is a difficult disorder! ONE DAY AT A TIME... ...

Stephanie - yeagrmeistr@prodigy.net - 26

Comments - I have fought with OCD for 6 years or so, and it just got a little easier for me knowing that I'm not alone. For the first time, ever, I found others with the same obsessions as me, and I finally feel comfortable with my diagnosis. I don't fall into the contamination/checking catagory, so I doubted (lol, that's some raging OCD right there!) what my doc had to say. I used to go up and down, but over the last 2 years, I have never had a remission, I think my OCD has found a comfortable place, and isn't going away. But that's alright, I finally found a med that works (Prozac), and while I worry a little bit about the day I may max out on it, I can say I only worry about that a little bit, and that's a great thing to be able to say!! Stephanie

zed null - meatpuppet@onebox.com - 52

Comments - hey...i'm STILL HERE...Dr. Death DIDN'T get his DUE today...THIS PLACE HELPS!!! but, e-mails are VERY WELCOME TOO!!! write ME...and I'LL write YOU!!!

zed null - meatpuppet@onebox.com - 52

Comments - jen-jen, i tried e-mailing you at yahoo, but my mail was rejected. they said that you don't have an "active" account with them. e-mail me at meatpuppet@onebox.com, cause i hear your plea, and i'd like to help... zed

Miss Russell - missrussell@visto.com - 22

Comments - http://ocdcommunity.freehomepage.com

Dave - daveyb_2001@hotmail.com - 30

Comments - There are so many situations which cause me anxiety, all revolving round the overwhelming "need to know the answer" to something that would probably appear trivial to others. The situations can involve any of the senses (sight, touch, taste, sound or smell). Examples of problems I have to deal with are: Needing an explanation of something I’ve seen, for example need to know: what a particular feature is on someone’s face (e.g. need to know whether it is a spot, a mark on their face, uneven skin etc.); was I the cause of a mark or scratch on an object, or was it there before?; why do people appear to hold a pen more upright than me?; if I see something on the floor, is it a mark, a bit of paint or is it a crumb or fragment or something? Needing an explanation of something I’ve felt, for example need to know: what is it I’ve felt? (e.g. is some feature I’ve felt on an object a foreign body, or is it a mark or scratch, or is it just a natural feature, and perhaps did I actually feel anything at all?); when I went passed a piece of furniture (say), did I actually make contact with it or did I just imagine it?; something I felt on the floor - was it to do with my sock, was there a crumb on the floor or is it a mark or something on the floor? I have found myself struggling therefore to do basic things in life without having a problem, e.g. using a phone, opening a door or a drawer, reading a book, walking from A to B, talking to people, just lying in my bed etc. etc. All this, and also the trying not to let people realise that I’m going through these problems. My problems are having a devastating effect on my life, and I am rarely intrusion-free at home, work or play. It is becoming increasingly difficult to, on the surface, live a somewhat near normal life, although in reality my life is far from normal due to having to deal with all these problems. If you have any advice, have had similar problems, or would just like to chat then please e-mail me. It would be great if you decided to read on and read how things have progressed from 1993 till now. The first "problem" I encountered was in August 1993 when I was 22. I was in the library studying for a professional exam and I became aware that people who held a pen or pencil in a similar manner to myself appeared to hold it more upright. The anxiety caused by the need to know how these people seemed to hold their pens more upright caused me much distress, and at one point I was very close to being physically sick. I managed to pass the exam since I’d done a fair bit of studying for the exam prior to my problems starting, but have not been able to do any exams since - I have therefore been able to qualify in my profession. I became depressed as a result of the whole episode, but through time the depression lifted. The problem with pens, however, continued when I went back to work after the exam, and I found it difficult to do my job. There was the added concern that people would catch me looking at how they held their pen. I was also affected by these pen problems in shops, restaurants etc. I went to my doctor at the onset of my condition, and was referred to a psychiatrist who in turn referred me to a psychologist. I had several sessions spanning a few months with the psychologist, but my condition was not improved. I then turned to a hypnotherapist, who was also a clinical psychologist, but again no improvement on my condition was made. For a period of time, my only "problem" was how people held pens. However, on the golf course I started having problems regarding how people held a golf club, which was similar in nature I suppose to the pen problem. I found the best way to deal with this new problem was to keep off the golf course, but I did not have the same choice at work with respect to the pen problem. I started having problems at home. For example, I accidentally banged my elbow off a wall in a cupboard, and when I noticed a small dent in the wall I was left wondering whether my elbow had just caused it. I then repeated this quite a few times to try and establish whether my elbow had in fact caused the original mark, and then I would become aware of further marks and wondered whether they were also caused my elbow. Another situation originated after I had an engineer round installing cable TV; afterwards I had to strategically place objects to cover some points in the cabling to try and prevent me thinking how the engineer could have done a better job with the laying of the cable if I had not been talking to him, perhaps putting him off, whilst he was installing cable - this would cause me anxiety whilst trying to watch TV. A new problem at work emerged; I became aware of certain people who appeared to talk a lot and started wondering how they got their jobs done. I just could not stop thinking about this situation whilst at work, unless perhaps a pen problem came along. In 1995 (about 2 years after the onset of my condition), since I was struggling to do my job, I began taking a laptop home from work so I could do work at home after finishing my day in the office, away from the problem situations at work. A year later, in 1996, I bought a PC to make it even easier to do work at home. It is a number of years now, however, since I have worked at home on my PC. I saw another psychologist in 1996 or so, but again no improvement in my condition was made. In 1997 I was referred by my doctor to see another psychologist. It was through this psychologist that I began drug therapy. I have tried Clomipramine and Prozac, along with a couple of other SSRIs. It is difficult to say whether I benefited from taking medication. I saw this latest psychologist on and off over a period of a few years but have not seen him now for a year or so. The number of situations that caused me distress continued to increase. A number of things I would see, touch, hear etc. would need explained, and if I could not explain them or come up with a reasonable explanation then anxiety would ensue. Examples included: touching an object and feeling something on that object with a problem encountered if I could not repeat the feeling or if I could not explain what it was I felt, either by touch or sight (e.g. touching furniture, a sheet of paper, an item of clothing etc.); seeing something and trying to explain what I saw, or something about what I saw (e.g. the pen problem, seeing something on an object or whatever and explaining what it was I saw, or how it got there etc.). Most of my problems affected me at work or home, and less so socially up till about 1999. However, the problems have since began to affect me more and more on a social basis, and one of the original problems was feeling something on an item of clothing I would be wearing and needing explanation of the something I felt (e.g. how did I seem to feel something on my shirt but not be able to repeat it?; or was something I felt part of the material or was it some foreign body; etc.). I would be out for a meal or a drink, and I would have these very strong intrusive thoughts to deal with, whilst trying to appear to others as though everything was fine and normal. I began wondering whether a feeling against a part of my body was caused by genuine contact against an object (that I was walking passed for example), or was it just in my mind or was it even some force or something around the object that caused me to "feel" it?! I would then have similar problems regarding the contact against my skin of clothes I was wearing (e.g. did the collar of the shirt I was wearing really touch my chin etc.). I have begun the questioning of many things I touch as I have become more and more aware of features of things I regularly touch (i.e. I need an explanation for any feature I become aware of). I have also become very sensitive to things I see, or appear to see - I may become aware of something I have seen or think I have seen (perhaps in the corner of my eye) and need to know whether I have indeed seen something, and if so, what it is (e.g. I may become aware of some mark or feature which may exist on a wall or something, and need to know what it is, and if I can no longer see it, was there something there, or was it perhaps just one of the floaters which I have in my eyes (which do actually exist) that I saw? Similarly, particularly at work, I am very aware of shadows, and I may need explanations regarding particular shadows cast from the light through the window or from artificial light (e.g. was a shadow actually cast when I moved myself or an object, why was a shadow cast, and why in that manner etc.). My latest major problem is regarding features on people’s faces. This of course affects me greatly both on a work and a social level. Whilst I have put up with a lot of problems at work, I have managed to get by in life with the fact that I have had intrusion-free periods in my social life (even for at least part of an evening), but now things are very difficult because I am constantly bothered by features on people’s faces (e.g. I may need to know something about a particular feature - I may first of all need to know whether I actually saw a particular feature or was it my imagination?; what is the feature, is it a spot or a mole or uneven skin, or is a particular feature a hair or a mark on the skin, is a feature a shadow or a wrinkle or a pen-mark or perhaps an eyelash. Basically any feature I become aware of on someone’s face is questioned, and distress endured until an answer or acceptable plausible explanation is given. As well as the discomfort of the problems themselves, there is also the "need" (well, I find it hard to dump the thoughts caused by the problems and not act on them, i.e. I feel there is an overwhelming need to attempt to get an explanation behind a problem, and sometimes the harder I try to not think about it the worse it is) to act on them which may require physical investigation (including perhaps physical repetition) and the potential embarrassment of getting seen or found out and as well as perhaps an act used to try and get the answer to the problem, there is the act so to appear as though everything is okay, and not to let anybody realise that problems are being entertained and distress suffered. I was in a long-term relationship until the turn of the year (2001), and my girlfriend knew about my problems and gave me support as best she could. Perhaps one of the reasons I was happy we split up was because I did not wish her to be with someone with my condition. I met someone soon after my long-term girlfriend and I split up, but the difficulties of that relationship, especially due to the constant battling with my problems; the dealing of no longer being with my long-term girlfriend; and the fact that my problems are having such a devastating effect on my life with me being rarely intrusion-free has led me recently to another bought of depression, for which I have been taking Prozac. Now in the middle of 2001, I really do not know where to go from here. As I stated above, if you have any advice, have had similar problems, or would just like to chat then please e-mail me. Thanks for reading!

Karnie8 - Karnes42000@hotmail.com - 45

Comments - Anyone wanting to talk about OCD please feel free to either email me at Karnes2001@hotmail.com or...I am Kiewindsor5 on the aol messenger..

zed null - meatpuppet@onebox.com - 52

Comments - well...it finally happened!!! after 10 years, i'm being EVICTED FROM MY APPARTMENT for BEING A PACKRAT!!! why is this so??? because the APPARTMENT MANAGER thinks that ALL PEOPLE THAT ARE PACKRATS OR MENTALLY ILL, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO RENT APPARTMENTS!!! "THEY SHOULD ALLL BE LOCKED UP FOR EVER, AND GET ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY!!!" while i DON'T WISH HIM ILL... HE'LL GET HIS JUST REWARD!!! JUST WAIT AND SEE!!!! the universe has it's OWN WAY of dealing with INSENSITIVE BASTARDS!!!

JOHNETTA KIRBY - DUMPLIN 711 @AOL.COM - 32

Comments - ITS LIKE YOUR BRAIN IS IN CONSTANT BATTLE ONE SIDE KNOWING THE TRUTH THE OTHER SIDE ALWAYS DOUBTING THE OTHER SIDE

bob - mrhappy4hand@yahoo.com - 55

Comments - my ocd is that i masturbate to adult videos.i take paxil and xanax and also have panic attacks, agoraphobia and depression. when i feel those coming on, i feel the urge to spend some soothing time with oils and a cup of tea masturbating. this compulsion of ritualistic masturbation just started four years ago and i can't stop: i need to masturbate when nervous, afraid, feel a panic attack coming on or feel blue.

Beth - _beths16@excite.com - 17

Comments - dear kelly-- my name is beth (or beth-anne), and i was the girl you read about in "jump." the hair-pulling itself is actually called trichotillomania (trick-o-till-o-mania). however, it often times goes hand-in-hand with ocd, which was what the article was saying. you got a little confused, but i bet you have ocd as well (because you made your lashes proportional, as i did). i think it is absolutely wonderful that you made yourself quit. considering i have done this since i was about 5 or 6, it is nearly impossible it seems to me to quit. i also have ocd and chronic depression, making it even harder. anyway, i am so happy my article helped you. that was my goal in writing to the magazine-- to help girls who were confused and believed themselves crazy. i didn't know what was wrong until i was your age-- 14 i think. i'll be 18 in december. it's a rough road, but talking to people and speaking about the diseases helps so much. i want you to write me so that i can give you the e-mail address of a mailing list for teens with ocd (i forget it right now and can't access it). i guarantee you it will help-- that goes for any person here who are 11 or so to early 20's. anyone can write me to ask about my experiences, like the magazine story (i was featured in a teenage girl's magazine for my disorders). i want to hear from people! ;) we're all wonderrful, worthwhile people-- simply remember that.

Kate - DunkiesChk@aol.com - newly 21!!!

Comments - "One must still have chaos in oneself to give birth to a dancing star" I have posted before, but wanted to post again. I recently turned 21, a good day indeed. Although I couldn't celebrate a-la 21 year old style of the norm thanks to my good friend, Zoloft, I still was able to smile. Because I knew I had done something far bigger than just turn 21, I overcame. I set forth on a journey that is hard to explain to some and conquored many, many things. I also have begun to decrease my Zoloft intake, so that by Christmas, I will be off of it. (I also recommend to ANYONE on an SSRI to read 'Prozac Backlash: Overcoming the dangers of Prozac, Zoloft, Paxil and other Antidepressants with Safe, Effective Alternatives' A total eyeopener and more of a realization that it's your body, your decision, your life)But the point is, I went through the dark hell of OCD, the what if's, the thought that I was crazy, the thoughts that I should/would/could just die...I went through and came out alive. I came out ok. I came out imperfect, and that's ok. I wish EVERYONE all the luck in the world in getting past this...friends, family, cigarettes and coffee help, too :) 'We are one, but we aren't the same'

Rachael - rachkixass@aol.com - 17

Comments - I am inspired by all of the strong people who have the courage to talk about there OCD. I have trichotilomania and I find it so hard to find useful information about it anywhere and I am afraid to tell anyone. Most of all I am embarrassed and don't know how to stop.

candy cline - clc1161@swbell.net - 39

Comments - HI MY NAME IS CANDY, I HAVE SUFFERED WITH THIS DISORDER,AND A FEW OTHERS ALL MY LIFE,BEING A CHRISTIAN IS THE ONLY PEACE I KNOW.IF I CAN HELP ANYONE PLEASE E-MAIL ME.I HAVE HAD EVERYONE OF THESE OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS,AND SOME I DID NOT READ.HAVING PEOPLE TO RELATE TO IS MY PROBLEM.GOD BLESS.CANDY

Steven - sbembrid@yahoo.co.uk - 24

Comments - Since I was a child, I thought I was, for want of a better word, evil because of my compulsive thoughts. I felt so ashamed of myself. Now I know that it's not me, it's OCD.

wendy - praline1234@hotmail.com - 42

Comments - All my life i always wondered why I had these intrusive thoughts,the checking, etc..... I finally went to therapy, and was diagnosed with ocd.I finally had a name for the pain and agony I was going through every day.Ive educated myself about this disorder as much as I can, and when i saw there were others out there just like me, I didnt feel so alone anymore, or feel strange. I learned alot in Behavior therapy, and Ive tried to apply it with every waking moment.Im learning to take controll of it,Its a struggle, but its one that Im going to fight back with, I keep trying to tell myself its ocd, and its not me. And the days that I can get by with that I am thankful for that.Also talking with others, who have ocd, has helped so much, its so comforting once again to know that Im not alone in this.

wendy - praline1234@hotmail.com - 42

Msahiro Saito - masahi@gol.com - 57

Comments - ‚g‚‰ I have bee suffered severe type of social phobia. I have overcome this disorder after 30 years suffering. Now I am quite healthy and having happy life. I decided to launch my therapy in English version. Please help me to rewrite the page with your good English. I am a Japanese person. I have been giving advise to anxious people for the past 4 years and there have been lot of people who are recovered from dreadful disorder by my therapy. I am waiting for your correction on my page. Page URL is http://www.healmind.com/saitotherapy/index.htm Masahiro Saito

Donna - madcap001uk@yahoo.co.uk - 36

Comments - Please can you help. I am putting together a magazine for publication relating to OCD and other MH Disorders. I would like to hear your thoughts, expereinces, coping mechanisms, treatments, poems, verses, anything you feel able to write. I wll endeavour to respond to everyone that writes in. Please help me to Make a Difference to the lives of so many. Thank You. Love, Light and Peace Donna xxx

Steven - Jacob2010 - 27

Comments - Hoping to be expelled from Ocd's "School of Sorrow"

Steven - Jacob2010@yahoo.com - 27

Comments - Hoping to be expelled from Ocd's "School of Sorrow"

Audra - aud102@telusplanet.net - 30

Comments - Hi, my name is audra and I suffer from intrusive thoughts (morbid thoughts) involving my children (4 and 2).I love my children more than life itself and I don't know why this is happening to me. I have been on different meds but none to write home about. currently I am taking 60mg prozac, and 4-5mg ativan. Any advice or reassurance would be appreciated. Thanks in advance. Audra.

zed null - meatpuppet@onebox.com - 52

Comments - i'm back...i'm back...i'm back...and now, i have my own web page at: http://www.geocities.com/im_obsessive_compulsive_ru2 please come and visit, and please sign in to my guest book. i love coming here...and "seeing" so many of us here...and of all ages! there's always soooooo much to read!!!! be well...'til i return...from my own ocd hell(!) as a PACKRAT!!!

skeeter - sleepy_skeeter@yahoo.com - 24

Comments - This is my ocdhome page http://www.geocities.com/sleepy_skeeter/index.html?987201542580

Melissa - glangworthy@reedcity.k12.mi.us - 32

Comments - I am really heartened to find that there are so many others who suffer as I do. Keep up the fight!

Barb - bkell15@yahoo.com - 45

Comments - I'm just starting to pay attention when people tell me that I'll never reach the height of perfection I strive for. I'm just starting to allow myself to admit to being OCD. Not liking it!

sewerpipeSLIME - - Antique

Comments - I spend hours trying to be like others and when I convince everyone I am like them I shun them. Then spend hours trying to get them back so I can shun them again....its driving me crazy Death comes sooner or later....sooner please

Shannon - Shannon.Schultz@southhillsmovers.com - 28

Comments - I started having what I thought was panic attacks about 10 years ago. After about a year they went away and for 10 years I was pretty much anxiety free. Then in May of this year I got married and brought a house with my hubby. For the first month or so everything was ok.Then pretty much out of the blue I started having feeling like I was going to go crazy and stab my husband.These thoughts petrified me. I have never and would never harm anyone. I will practically wreck my car to avoid hitting a chipmunk! So I was extremely panic stricken on why I was having these thoughts. I almost moved out of the house. I was afraid to sleep because I thought I might sleep walk and grab a knife from the kitchen. It was horrifying. After a few weeks I sought therapy and though the thoughts are not as frequent or terrifying as they were I still do have them. Now I am also afraid that I could accidently hurt our pet Chinchilla. I am afraid I could squeeze him too hard or forget to lock his cage. My doctor gave me Xanax which seem to help some but I still feel very uneasy alot of the time. I just want my life back. I want to enjoy this time with my husband-Help!!

Cynthia - persephone343@lycos.com - 17

Comments - I have had OCD since I have had memory. As a child I was obsessed with religion and morality and also suffered from obsessive sexual and violent thoughts. During one of my stays in a behavioral health center I was diagnosed with mild OCD, however at the time my symptoms were not like they were as a child and as they are now. They were less terrifying things like pathological slowness and little quirks. Now I am suffereing from

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