Quest for Freedom!

~ An insight into OCD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

My Obsessively Clean Diary

May 7, 2001 (but it's not officially May's entry)

Dear Diary,

I've been feeling quite down the last couple of days, and a bit numb. I thought I was handling my marriage crisis quite well.

I've been getting on with stuff and trying really hard to keep it from dominating my thoughts. Trouble is, something else upset me and that made it flood into my mind. I know that I had to do what I did. I know I wasn't getting well where I was, and I know I wanted to go home long ago, but it's so sad that my husband couldn't or wouldn't see it like that.

I've been working on getting control of the OCD for the both of us, and instead there's just me. I'm used to being 2 not 1; it's lonely sometime's. I miss us, especially now that I can do so much. Memories of us, before the OCD got such a strong hold on me, come into my head all the time, and make me sad, because they're gone and we might not make any more memories together.

The illness made me isolated from all my friends. They've now moved on with their lives, and it takes time to make new ones.

I'm not sure if I've fully accepted that my marriage could be over...... first time I've written that.:( Since I saw Phil last I haven't heard from him at all. That really hurts. It feels like I've been pushed out of his life completely, like "we" never existed and I don't really understand why.

The thing is, I can't and won't let the OCD take over again though. I mustn't, else that would mean it was all for nothing. Sometime's, it's like I have to be SO strong and keep in control and together, but inside my heart is broken into pieces. My confidence has taken a battering, and it hurts to look forward, because I just see me....that's all, just me. :(

Off to bed now...... think I need some sleep, take care folks, love ~Sani~ xx

If I could tell the world just One thing
it would be that we're all okay,
And not to worry cause worry is wasteful
and useless in times like these.

I won't be made useless,
Won't be idle with despair.
I'll gather myself around my faith,
It lights the darkness most feared.

"Hands" ~ Jewel
"In the end, only kindness matters."

Love ~Sani~

Top / Diary Hompage

home / about me / inside my ocd mind / ocd diary / poetry
signs-symptoms / ocd children / ocd treatment / family & friends
bulletin board / email me