Quest for Freedom!

~ An insight into OCD ~ Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

My Obsessively Clean Diary

December, 2000 continued

23rd December...

Dear Diary,
I had a worrying time this week, I went out doing last minute Christmas shopping and went into a shop that I've been in many times and saw something that worried me OCD wise.

After I had been in the shop and paid for the present I'd chosen, I went outside and sat in the car. The doubting voice was nagging at me, trying to make me feel worse and urging me to do the usual rubbish - wash everything: wash my hair, clothes etc. I was going to go into another shop after that one but the worried thoughts didn't think I should, "just in case." I wouldn't think I could go back there again. This was the first really strong challenge that I've had since starting on the medication.

Well, I have to say now, upon reflection, that I dealt with it really well. I didn't let it have it's way. I went into the next shop that felt ok, and when I got back to the house I didn't wash myself for hours in order to feel clean. In fact, I didn't wash anything because of it, except my hands. I did change my top because it had gone near this thing, but nothing else, and I really think I did well. I stood up to it, didn't let it stop me from going to the next shop, didn't let it panic me to the extent that I normally would, and I shall be wrapping up the present I bought in the shop and NOT throwing it away like I would have done. And I shall be going into those shops again - this weekend.

I reminded myself that doing all the ritual stuff is wrong and is the very thing that's making me ill. I have lot's of evidence of that! All that washing and avoiding in an attempt to be uncontaminated is exactly what's caused me so much misery all this time - and it didn't work anyway!

Happy Christmas and stay determined!
Sani.

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