As I was about
sunset wandering in the
fields lamenting my
miserable lost and
undone condition, and
almost ready to sink
under my burden, I
thought I was in such a
miserable case as never
any man was before. I
returned to the house,
and when I got to the
door, just as I was
stepping off the
threshold, the
following impressions
came into my mind like
a powerful but small
still voice. You have
been seeking, praying,
reforming, laboring,
reading, hearing, and
meditating, and what
have you done by it
towards your salvation?
Are you any nearer to
con- version now than
when you first began?
Are you any more
prepared for heaven, or
fitter to appear before
the impartial bar of
God, than when you
first began to seek?
It brought such
conviction on me that I
was obliged to say that
I did not think I was
one step nearer than at
first, but as much
condemned, as much
exposed, and as
miserable as before. I
cried out within
myself, O Lord God, I
am lost, and if thou, O
Lord, doest not find
out some new way, I
know nothing of, I
shall never be saved,
for the ways and
methods I have
prescribed to myself
have all failed me, and
I am willing they
should fail. O Lord,
have mercy! O Lord,
have mercy!
These discoveries
continued until I went
into the house and sat
down. After I sat down,
being all in con-
fusion, like a drowning
man that was just
giving up to sink, and
almost in an agony, I
turned very suddenly
round in my chair, and
seeing part of an old
Bible lying in one of
the chairs, I caught
hold of it in great
haste; and opening it
without any
premeditation, cast my
eyes on the 38th Psalm,
which was the first
time I ever saw the
word of God: it took
hold of me with such
power that it seemed to
go through my whole
soul, so that it seemed
as if God was praying
in, with, and for me.
About this time my
father called the
family to attend
prayers; I attended,
but paid no regard to
what he said in his
prayer, but continued
praying in those words
of the Psalm. O, help
me, help me! cried I,
thou Redeemer of souls,
and save me, or I am
gone forever; thou
canst this night, if
thou pleasest, with one
drop of thy blood atone
for my sins, and
appease the wrath of an
angry God. At that
instant of time when I
gave all up to him to
do with me as he
pleased, and was
willing that God should
rule over me at his
pleasure, redeeming
love broke into my soul
with repeated
scriptures, with such
power that my whole
soul seemed to be
melted down with love;
the burden of guilt and
condemnation was gone,
darkness was expelled,
my heart humbled and
filled with gratitude,
and my whole soul, that
was a few minutes ago
groaning under
mountains of death, and
crying to an unknown
God for help, was now
filled with immortal
love, soaring on the
wings of faith, freed
from the chains of
death and darkness, and
crying out, My Lord and
my God; thou art my
rock and my fortress,
my shield and my high
tower, my life, my joy,
my present and my
everlasting portion.
Looking up, I thought I
saw that same light [he
had on more than one
previous occasion seen
subjectively a bright
blaze of light], though
it appeared different,
and as soon as I saw
it, the design was
opened to me, according
to his promise, and I
was obliged to cry out:
Enough, enough, O
blessed God! The work
of conversion, the
change, and the
manifestations of it
are no more disputable
than that light which I
see, or anything that
ever I saw.
In the midst of all
my joys, in less than
half an hour after my
soul was set at
liberty, the Lord
discovered to me my
labor in the ministry
and call to preach the
gospel. I cried out,
Amen, Lord, I'll go;
send me, send me. I
spent the greatest part
of the night in
ecstasies of joy,
praising and adoring
the Ancient of Days for
his free and unbounded
grace. After I had been
so long in this
transport and heavenly
frame that my nature
seemed to require
sleep, I thought to
close my eyes for a few
moments; then the devil
stepped in, and told me
that if I went to
sleep, I should lose it
all, and when I should
awake in the morning I
would find it to be
nothing but a fancy and
delusion. I immediately
cried out, O Lord God,
if I am deceived,
undeceive me.
I then closed my
eyes for a few minutes,
and seemed to be
refreshed with sleep,
and when I awoke, the
first inquiry was,
Where is my God? And in
an instant of time, my
soul seemed awake in
and with God, and
surrounded by the arms
of everlasting love.
About sunrise I arose
with joy to relate to
my parents what God had
done for my soul, and
declared to them the
miracle of God's
unbounded grace. I took
a Bible to show them
the words that were
impressed by God on my
soul the evening
before; but when I came
to open the Bible, it
appeared all new to me.
I so longed to be
useful in the cause of
Christ, in preaching
the gospel, that it
seemed as if I could
not rest any longer,
but go I must and tell
the wonders of
redeeming love. I lost
all taste for carnal
pleasures, and carnal
company, and was
enabled to forsake
them."2
