Your
"Living As A Manic Depressive" Feelings & Experiences
Living with a mood disorder like bipolar, manic depression impacts all
aspects of your life. Here are the feelings and experiences of our visitors who
are "Living As A Manic Depressive," how they have dealt with having
bipolar disorder, and what has and hasn't worked for them.
You can share your experiences or feelings
here.
| Name - Nickname - Email Address |
Bipolar Bulletin Board-Living as a Manic Depressive-a bipolar site
| nancy jones - naj@aol.com |
| Comments - awful, up and down ride
trouble thinking clear thoughts of death. |
|
| Dave Anderson -
distinctlydave@hotmail.com
|
| Comments - Being bipolar is no means a
sentance to fail. It is not a gift either. It is a delicate balance of walking
the razors edge all the time. With all the meds that are prescribed and
psychotherapy given, there is no stable zone, at least for me. I've taken all
the meds, a half a billion times, and here I am at the beginning once again. If
you suffer from bipolar illness or have a loved one who does, do not feel sorry
for yourself or them. They are people, just like everyone else, with their own
burden to bear. If I had the choice, I would still choose to be bipolar. It's
who I am. I get my creativity and extreme passion from it. It is not a curse,
although it must be treated. Left untreated, it is a rampant beast. Treated, it
is still not always a friend. Learn to live with it. Learn how you can make it
live with you and for you. It isn't the end of the world...just the beginning
of another one. |
|
| CLIFF -
siffandclandy@juno.com
|
| Comments - This is a great support tool
for those with the bi polar illness. I feel that education about this mental
illness is most important. Read the latest books, become involved as you can to
learn as much as you can. I have been diag. with Bi Polar 21 years ago..at a
time that few Drs knew anything about the illness. It took me two years to find
that I was "manic depressive" as it was called then. I tried many of
the new drugs...on trade trials no less ! I finally settled on LITHIUM (please
read Dr. ron Fieves book (paper back) on this element (not a drug !) I have
been on Lith for all these years and it works well for me. I take nothing else.
Side effects are slight and the stuff is cheap. My wife Sandy is one of those
lucky people that has a straight line mood....always leavel. What a bleased
person I have to have her be married to me...37 years no less. We have two
married children with no effects passed on to them. Scott..and Tina. This
illness is nothing to screw with..I have had many problems with sucidial
idealation but note over the years it has seemed to lesson...or the lith is
really doing its job. Im now retired at 58...after a 30 yr run with the EASTMAN
KODAK CO. as a field rep. I almost lost my job as customers thought due to my
actions i was on street drugs and drinking..(neither of which I do) Another
thing that I and most of the group that I head up (MDDA have noted. As you go
into mania ones sexual drive increases...and when going into a depression the
opposite happens. During these time you are very vonarable as to doing things
and taking chances you normally wouldn't do.Discuss this with your dr as to
things you should be aware of. I also take an extra effort in teaching others
about this illness. Through the Jannet Wattles Mental health center in Rockford
I go to schools and explain about this particular mental illness. I usually get
little Questions in the class room...but upon returning home my answering box
many are asked...the word is called STIGMA...& you will find that this
particular illness is loaded with it ! As a few closing words...take your meds
as if you need them..YOU DO! If your not pleased with the side effects...change
to something else that works and dosent bother you as much. If your Dr. dosent
go along with your ieas..try one who does (remember your paying him to make you
better...not just paying him..(or her) find a good MDDA group and attend. You
will hear more at one meeting than you thought possible. Explain as fully as
you can to your wife,girl friend children about what your going through...my
big word of the day is irritability...(make that in caps please) I have it when
im down...and up...sleep...get all you can when your tired...8 hrs..less will
get you going into a manic phase. Walk every day...I hate it...but I do it! Do
things for others...for sure this will make you feel better. and thats about it
from me tonight...stay well and drop me an e mail if you need any more.
....Regards..CLIFF ~~^^~~~vv~~(ups & downs of life) |
|
| Tom - ipayu2000@yahoo.com |
| Comments - Simply put, I believe that
the right SSRI, (in my case, Paxil) should be tried first for BP. I, like many,
started on Depakote, and really got messed up. I almost fell victim to the
psych trap I feel most BP's face; that is putting to much faith in a system
that offers no cure. Let's face it, there are a lot safer drugs than mood
stabilizers. Newly diagnosized BP's, be very careful not to fall for some
Doctor telling you that you'll never be normal again, your a danger to society,
etc. just to make you feel dependent on them. I am doing way better now, two
years after diagnosis, and feel more independent than ever before. Although
every one is different, remember that drugs and this industry are a big
business and some Doctors are in business to make a profit. |
|
| susan - kita@total.net |
| Comments - Hello my name is Susan. I
have been a manic deprssive for 15 years now. I am 40 yrs old. In 1982, I had a
drug problem-- never once thinking I had this manic problem back then ???? not
much known. In 1982, they wanted to give me lithuim. I ran away for 8 years
till 1990. Life, was hell. I had lost my family,jobs,my child,i was totally
lost. I had to accept the fact that I was a manic depressive. I am an
intelligent person so this lowered my ego were very low. I started
psychotherapy immediately and then the medications. I have tried at least 25
antidepressants. I have done things and never remebered them. Today that scary.
Through the grace of God I found a Doctor who was fantastic. He started me on a
new drug for mood swings called LAMICTAL. Since then, all has changed. My own
personality is back, sense of humor. I feel free again. It is amazing. One of
the most diffcult things about being manic is choosing the right medications.
This can take time and be very discouraging. Hang in there . God Bless feel
free to e-mail me at kita@total.net My life is now stable and very normal.
Still have bad days but no more HELL. Amen! |
|
| susan smith -
catpearl@prodigy.net |
| Comments - The last time I used this
board, my keyboard locked up after a rather negative opening statement. I am in
the middle of a depression--who knows where the middle is, or if it has a
beginning or an end. I just lost a friend who could not deal with my
disappearances and sudden bubbly, funny re-entrances. She even told me she
didn't want to go through that again. During those disappearances, she does not
know that my chief obligation is to keep myself alive. I also am a famous
no-show. I just can't put myself out there among the "normals" most
of the time and I intensely dislike going to the doctors, the most insensitive
group of all! One asked me how I felt upon admission to the hospital--short
stay--and I told him I felt as though I were filled with barbed wire. Well, I
don[t know how that feels, he replied, to which I sighed and said, exactly how
I told you it feels. Oh, well. Can we ever succeed at anything--my qm is
broken. I know I am a total failure. |
|
| marylin -
granbyhome@aol.com |
| Comments - I have had many depressive
episodes and one manic episode, a few years ago, which was resolved with
medication (lithium and desiprimine). I stopped taking the meds a year ago and
are feeling no particular changes in mood, either up or down. Frankly, I went
off the medication because I was gaining lots of weight, which I understand to
be a side-effect of lithium. Am I sitting on a time bomb? It would seem that
after a year I would see some sort of recurrance of symptoms. I wonder about
other's experience with "medication vacations." How foolish am I
being? Feedback from others would be appreciated! I just found this site, so
I'm just feeling my way around (and I'm new to the internet). It's good to find
a community of people who have experience with bipolar disorder on a personal
basis. By, the way, I'm participating in the genetic study through Columbia
University, since both I and two sons have been diagnosed and there is a
history of depresion in my late mother. Had a recent long interview with a
social worker at the study. She was quite nice and made me feel comfortable
disclosing my history, which I am not prone to do. |
|
| Jeannie - Ssmcat@aol.com |
| Comments - I am torn. I feel that I'm
living a lie. I'm so afraid that someone will find out about my illness, I feel
ashamed. The disease has changed me forever-I am nowhere near the person that I
used to be; often I don't know who to trust-the up me or the down me. I am
mixed state and a rapid cycler. It takes all my energy just to maintain and be
the best single Mom that I can be to my 11 year old daughter. I exhaust myself
trying to be "normal"-I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle all
alone. I am compliant with my meds-I have no choice, I would die without them
and my therapist. I would have never dreamed that my life would turn out this
way-so hard. I get really tired and have to pay close attention to what I
channel my energy into. I do believe that this disease is lethal- I've been
there a couple of times too. My daughter keeps me going and the love I have for
her helps me try to love this life that has been given me. I am a good mother
and know that I have to manage or it will destroy me and leave her without me-I
cannot let that happen.I am three years into this, and I have days that I do
not want to accept my illness. Prayer does help me and give me some comfort. I
have found that it's hard to find the real "me" now.I just try and
take one minute, one task, one day at a time. When things seem to be going
terribly wrong, I make a gratitude list so that I can see on paper all that I
have to be thankful for.I do have life. It is hard. |
|
| Susan Smith -
catpearl@prodigy.netTides
|
| Comments - I was extremely depressed
yesterday, but am stabilized today--thanks to the support group, meds, and my
mom. My ex-friend says I shouldn't think about what I have so much, that I use
it as an excuse for everything. I didn't tell her that I woke up sobbing,
holding my top partial in my hand, the lower nowhere in sight. That would give
anyone something to think about. Besides, I can't ignore the symptoms--got to
pay attention to them or I end up in the hospital. Oh, well. |
|
| abbey - |
| Comments - I don't know if i'm a manic
depressive but maybe you can help me to find out. Here are my experiences. I
often feel alone. I hate school. I have and make lots of goals for myself but
never complete them and get completely upset when I realize that I have again
not done what I asked of myself. When I get depressed, I write in a journal
mostly about life and love.Me and my boyfriend of 5 months just broke up a
mounth ago but it feels like yesterday. When I feel lonely or sad and my
notebook doesn't help, I try and go to sleep to escape. Sometimes I think of
suicide but it seems so unreal. I'm not the kind of person who would do that. I
feel very neglected by my mom. Sometimes, my best friends give me comfort, but
once I'm alone or hang up the phone with them, I feel by myself again. I don't
believe in trust anymore and I avoid social situations so I don't have to see
my x. Is this manic depression or a broken heart?What do you think? |
|
| navi -
|
| Comments - I'm 19 yrs. old and i have a
bipolar, manic depression. It started out when i was 15. At first I didn't know
what was wrong with me, i was scared and i just all of a sudden, i couldn't
sleep. I would spend little time at sleep and all my friends would ask me what
was wrong. But I could not explain to them how I felt. I went to a behavoir
center and they said i had depression. After that i recently moved to a
different state. My life was great, i was beautiful,funny,talented and all my
new friends thought i was perfect. Until...i felt so good that i took my
medicine less till it was down to never. i got sick and then i remember going
threw spells of crazy things that i did that was embrassing and unexplainabe to
other people. but at that time i though i knew what i was doing. i went to
another hospital and my friends wonder where i was so i just told them thath i
was sick and at a hospital. eventually everything got back to normal.Last year
i again felt so good that i stoped taking my medicine. I couldnt sleep and i
went threw my manic stage but it was worse than before. it was like a bad
dream. i was in hell.i thought the devil and the whitches were after me and i
was suppost to save the world. then my friends came to visit me and my room was
a mess i had written on the walls carved on my furniture etc. my parents took
me to the hospital and it took days for me to get back to normal again. the
doctors said that i was manic depressive andk the reason it happened was
because i didnt take my medicine. i was trapped in the hopital for 3 weeks.
after that all my friends found out and now i'm to embrass to go out and hang
out with them. i only know one bestfriend that wont make fun of me or jugde me.
i want my life back and i often think of how it would be to be in heaven. i
hope i i will get better and than i dont have any episodes ever again. But most
fo all i miss being a teenager. i try to understand why god had given me this
and i try to forget about the past but the days i live lately, i dont feel like
living anymore i wish i had someone like me to talk to. |
|
| Rosanne -
SWonderglow@aol.com |
| Comments - I was dignosed BP rapid
cyclist after a severe nervous breakdown 5 yrs.ago. I contine with the struggle
of depression more right now although I thought & was manic all my life. I
have been on about 30 different med's plus 19 shock treatments which I found
helpful. I felt I was living be- hind my own dark shadow but couln't break
through to be ME again. Parnate brought back my mind the other med's made me
feel out in la-la land never all here. Rapid cycle bp is the hardest type to
fix. I've been very suicidal & don't care anymore if I die it will be like
going home and I'll have peace in my heart. I take 14 pills a day & still
think like this ? Where is hope, love, happiness I can't seem to find it . Does
anyone with this illness find it ? Doesn't seem to matter much anymore.
Thinking of going back in the hospital again, there I can't harm myself. Sorry
for all this negetiveness just can't snap out if it Help!! |
|
| stephanie -
pigletjim.hotmail.com
|
| Comments - I have been a royal mess. I
get so confused with all of the emotions of the ups and downs that I am totally
drained. I started taking Lithium and Celexa combined about 2 weeks ago and my
body nor mind have caught up with it yet. I am so tired. I also was told that I
have OCD and ADHD. I also have tons of medical problems and a 2 year old
daughter at home that I raise alone. My family is very helpful and
understanding and do not judge me about being a freak or something. They want
just as much information about all of my illnesses as I do and they read them
so they might come to understand me more. I have gotten a lot of information
off of the internet and I thank all who have sent in articles and misc. that I
could read to better understand myself. |
|
| Allison -
allspice65@ivillage.com
|
| Comments -
http://pages.ivillage.com/bh/allspice65/Allison.html (MY BIPOLAR
EXPERIENCE) |
|
| Diane - luv2talk@aol.com |
| Comments - Bipolar has been hard for me
to live with. In fact, I am not doing such a good job. I cannot make good
decisions. Once I start something new, I go at it headfirst, and collaspe
before a week is up. I do wonderful things, but can't finish any one of them. I
am happy and on a high when spending money and have really put our family in a
financial bind. I want to sleep sometimes all day long. I have no energy and
don't even want to take a walk outside, or go outside. I would rather stay in
my room and do nothing and have to answer to no one. Also, I hate talking to
people at times, and then at time, I want to talk to everyone, strangers,
friends, etc. I hate telephones, I will not answer them if I don't have to. I
am hiding I know. And, believe it or not, I am much better than I used to be.
Actually, I have come a long way. I do not and will not have company. I used to
be a fanatic with house cleaning, now I could care less. The do the least I can
do. I go the least I can go. This is terrible, what is happening to me? I
wonder if I will ever get better. I am restless at night. I lose everything I
touch. Plus, the friends I had, are gone. I have no one. My family does not
understand me and I am trying so hard to overcome these feelings, but how can
you fight against something so strong! Maybe one day these questions will be
answered. Diane |
|
| tyson99 -
tyson9@netzero.net |
| Comments - I am 23 yrs. old and have
known since i was 11 that there was something inherently wrong with me.I
thought it was just the problematc and traumatic upbringing I
experienced.However,throughout my life I have been through several
institutions,such as;rehab, the hospital psych ward,and jail.Most of these were
due to my unpopular heroin addiction.But,that is too long of a story for now.
Now that I am clean and sober,living a "normal" life and working-I
feel worse than ever. I see a psychiatrist 2x's a month and a therapist
weekly.I have taken every anti-deppressant known to man which have never
helped.Every quack I've seen diagnoses me as "severe anxiety,clinical
deppression and drug problems".Now,my new doc says that i am most likely
"mixed manic deppression",whatever the hell that means.My friends and
family try to understand but have become increasingly fed up w/ me.But more
importantly,I have too.I am suicidal during my moments and worry
myself.Anyway,if you have any advice please feel free to e-mail me.I do feel
completely alone ,cannot work or go to school.I seem to screw everything up.I
don't know what else to do.Thanks,Tyson D. |
|
| TERRI - TAHANSEY@AOL.COM |
| Comments - IWAS DIAGNOSED W/ BI-POLAR
DEPRESSION ABOUT 2 1/2 YEARS AGO. I AM STARTING MY SECOND RUN IN A PARTIAL
INPATIENT TREATMENT PROGRAM. I HAVE BEEN ON MORE MEDS THAN I CAN REMEMBER, MOST
OF THEM MAKING ME SICK TO MY STOMACH. JUST STARTED TAKING REMERON, BUT TOO
EARLY TO TELL. I'VE BEEN THROUGH MANY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, VERBAL,SEXUAL,
AND MENTAL ABUSE. I'M TIRED, TIRED OF TRYING TO FEEL "NORMAL",
WHATEVER THAT IS. TIRED OF CHASING PEOPLE AWAY BECAUSE THEY "DONN'T
UNDERSTAND". TIRED OF TRYING TO FIGHT THE SYSTEM, TO RAISE MY CHILDREN. I
HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS THAT I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND THE ANSWERS, REALLY WOULD LIKE
SOMEONE TO CHAT WITH THAT KNOWS HOW THIS NIGHTMARE FEELS. I LOOK UP SOMETIMES,
AND ASK FOR ANSWERS, BUT THERE ARE NONE. MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN A
ROLLER-COASTER OF EMOTIONS AND I'M TIRED OF THE RIDE. I THANK GOD FOR MY
CHILDREN, AND MY FAMILY, THEY ARE THE ONES THAT HAVE KEPT ME HERE. I HAVE READ
ALL OF THE EXPERIENCES THAT EVERYONE HERE HAS WRITTEN, AND I FEEL BETTER TO
KNOW THAT SOME OF YOU HAVE FOUND THE ANSWERS TO YOUR QUESTIONS. PLEASE E-MAIL
ME. TERRI |
|
| Susan Smith -
Bootifulboo@aol.com |
| Comments - I am feeling extremely,
depressed, low-engery, all I want to do is sleep. I'm grateful to have the
computer but I don't feel like writing to any friends. I was kicked out of a
bipolar support group for being rude. I knew I could flare up and snape words
out without thinking, but I didn't know I could do it on the keyboard. The
support group is run by Christian fundamentalists and they could not deal with
my differing belief system (quest). I apologized for my comments and they let
me back in but only two people continued to write to me and I haven't got any
letters from them today. As one of them said, "Well, you got two friends
out of the deal, anyway"--she is 17, one of those delightful young-old
people, really active in her church, but doesn't hit people over the head with
it. They, like the behavioral program I was briefly involved with, seem to
think that one must think positively at all times. If that were true, we would
not have the great dark artists, poets, and writers, or even sad songs. I try
to explain that life itself is a chiarscuro of good and bad, postive and
negative, the great teaching of yinyang--you can't have one without the other.
When I was young, I thought the reason for depression was to write poetry! I
read the transcript and I find this doctor lithium-crazy. I read his book long
ago and didn't like it. Lithium worked for me for about a year, then cause
severe, frightening neurological side effects (that Dr. Bell, also a lithium
pioneer at Einstein Medical in Philadelphia pooh-poohed). For many years, I
have been on Elavil, Tegritol, and sometimes various anti-psychotics, such as
resridol. The combination of Depakote and Welbutrin made me deathly sick and
after four sleepness nights, I was re-admitted to the hospital to stabilize
back to my old medicines. I hated Paxil--it makes you numb from the waist down,
if you know what I mean.And Prozac did nothing at all. There is a new medicine
called Lamictal I am interested in; I heard good things about it. I forgot to
mention I also take Klonopin for panic attacks. They didn't work very well so I
started taking 2 mg. instead of 1. The result of that was that I just don't go
to the doctor (any doctor) and just avoid the paralysis of the attack
altogether. I guess that's about it for now. Most of the time for the last six
months I've been depressed, sometimes severely. |
|
| Teri - ManicAngel64@aol.com |
| Comments - I have bipolar 2, with
psychotic tendensies, obbsessive compulsive disorder, anerexia, and severe
anxiety disorders. I am on meds, but right now i am rapid cycling 5 to 8 times
a day. I am trying to keep my job, but I don't know if it s gonna work! I was
diagnosed when I was 29. But they can trace it to before 12, I am now 36,
married with 4 kids ( 2 step) |
|
| Ann - Annrns@hotmail.com |
| Comments - I have been diagnosed BPI for
about 10 months now. My diagnosis was was immediately proceded by a psych
hospitalization which came as a huge relief to me. I felt so suicidal at the
time. It's been a long 10 months. Medications have been changed over and over,
and I just feel now that I am getting to the point where I can trust my
psychiatrist somewhat. I am an RN, and I stayed home from work for nine months,
too terrified of making a mistake to go back to work. Now I work part-time in a
quiet clinic setting, and I think it's going to be okay. For the last nine
months, I've been fighting the depressive side of this disease, but with the
last med change, I feel myself swinging the other way. Sleeping 18/24 hours a
day has been my norm, but now laying awake at night is normal. I'm twitchy and
talkative and agitated, and now writing this is irritating me too. |
|
| Lee - rex@megalink.net |
| Comments - I was diagnosed BipolarI when
I was hospitalized in 1994. I will never forget that horrible experience. I am
on Tegretol and Wellbutrin but still have my ups and downs. I've gone through
some periods where I felt OK but mostly not. I just came off of an up and now I
have plunged into a down. I don't want to be around people, work is a chore.
The only thing that keeps me going is my new puppy--a corgi. He is full of
energy and I have to attend to his needs. I don't do much housework so the
house is a mess. For some reason my analyst and psychiatrist decided I was
doing OK on my last visits. I felt I didn't have time to get into how I really
am feeling. I'm withdrawn and I want to be OK so it takes a while to find out
how I feel. I've stayed home from work 2 days this week and am sick of work. I
would quit if I didn't have to support myself and pay for all the drugs and
medical expenses. Even with a health and prescription plan the bills are
enormous. |
|
| Zoe - wildzoe@wildmail.com |
| Comments - Once I was diagnosed with
Bipolar it explained so many things about my life and habits so it was a little
bit of a relief in that sense. I especially felt that way after several years
of unsuccessful treatment for depression. At the same time it was surprisingly
devastating to me! you would think that after being treated for years already I
would not worry about being "mentally ill" but somehow this seemed
worse. This was not something that could be treated and go away and this was
something genetic that I could pass on. I did indeed pass it on and now we are
dealing with our nine year old living with it and the knowledge I passed it on.
That's been really tough to deal with even if I do tell myself I couldn't
control genetics. Once I was properly diagnosed and on meds my whole life
changed. I still have to take a lot of meds because I rapid cycle and have deep
very suicidal depressions but so far what has worked best is a combination of
individual therapy using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy , Lithobid, Wellbutrin
SR, Neurontin in small dose and Topomax also in a small dose. I'm doing much
better now, work full time, raise my 2 kids and i strive to show my daughter
that those of us with Bipolar have full productive lives if we take care of
ourselves and don't give up. |
|
| Jeannie - Ssmcat@aol.com |
| Comments - I have been battling this
disease for about 5years. I am Bipolar Type 1, rapid cycler with mixed states.
I am a single Mom of an 11 yo. daughter. The reason that I am still here. My
life seems to have spiraled out of control. My meds are many and work the best
after many trials with other meds. I despise taking the meds. Sometimes I lose
them As soon as I swallow them. (you know what I mean) As the years have gone
by, I seem to have gotten worse. I cannot remember much of anything
(short-term) and it really un-nerves me. I stay scattered and jump from one
task to another, seemingly completing nothing at all. I am a Registered Nurse
and had a promising career when everything fell apart 2 years ago. I think that
I just went nuts! I was diagnosed. I feel that my disease is progressing
negatively. I go up and down constantly. I am totally unable to manage my
household, keep groceries in the house, clean the house and I have most
recently reached out for help (which is difficult for me to do) I have a friend
who has written out a daily plan for me which I will be starting today. Today
all that I have to do is go to the grocery store. I have to keep it simple to
survive this. I despise my illness, and my life has been changed forever. I
feel that I live a secret life, because if I let anyone know the truth about
me, they won't understand, and they'll think that I am crazy. I thank God for
giving me my daugter so that I will keep myself alive. Sometimes I get angry
knowing had I not had her, I would have checked out a long time ago. I would
not live in this daily hell one more day. I am very tired today. I cried all
weekend long. My good friend stayed with me all weekend.I needed her and I'm
grateful that I was able to reach out instead of pulling up the covers. I will
live, day to day,asking God to help me. I could go on forever, there is so much
to say. Good Luck to all of you out there. At least we really do understand
each others plight. I just try to "keep on keeping on" that's all
that I can do. |
|
| Susan Smith -
Bootifulboo@aol.com |
| Comments - I may have already shared
this; I have extremely serious memory problems. But anyway, I got, I should
say, almost got, booted out of an online bipolar support group for being rude
and cursing. Now I did apologize for that behavior, but I came to believe that
the group functions under the aegis of fundamentalist christianity. I myself am
extremely open-minded, still on a spiritual quest, have a "connection with
the divine" and pursue Zen Buddhism. I felt that I was discriminated
against and that while others were comforted for complaining, I got the old
"terminal uniqueness" speech and more or less that I should feel
lucky having no shoes when I saw the man who had no feet. Actually, I was then
pretty much ostracized, except for two people with whom I correspond. As one
says, well, you got two friends out of the deal, anyway. Speaking of friends, I
lose them because they do not understand my disappearances; my last ex-friend
accused me of doing it on purpose and using my illness as an excuse! Why would
anyone want to live like that? I have e-mailed a person from this board--the
others were not the correct addresses--but I got no response. I would be happy
to receive e-mail from anyone; it always makes me feel better; nothing like a
good distraction, eh! |
|
| joey - joyboy@stargate.net |
| Comments - PEACE to everyone here and
reading this! I am 26 and comming to grips with my eratic mood swings. They are
destroying my life! I have losted many close friends and my last 2 girlfriends
for the exact same reasons. They can't cope with me. I have been fired from my
last 3 jobs because of my unstable attitude. I am a Dj in my local rave scene
aswell. Having lots of friends it becomes embarassing when I hide and avoid
contact. Last year I used Mdma (X or e) which effects seritonon in the brain.
At first everything was positive for months and months. It was the first time I
was happy in my life and with my life. But eventually, I went back to my old
ways. Get anoyied for NO reason, screaming at my friends over little mistakes,
feeling worthless, and getting angry with strangers in society. I get
flusturated and refuse any kind of communication with the world, then I hide. I
have always liked being alone but only because I felt, those people are not
like me. I would be in relief not to explain myself or let anyone see who I
truely am. My mother blames my problems on my selfishness. I have always felt
selfish for my mood swings, making me hate myself. My roommate (who knows me
best) suggested I might be Bi-Polar? So i set off in a case study of my own
personality and research of this illness. I believe I am bi-polar and have been
since age 12. I have attempted sucide 4 times in my life and one was 3 weeks
ago. I don't really want to die each time, I am just tired of hurting everyone,
and myself. I only feel happy when I dance or spin records. Otherwise, my house
is a mess, I don't look for work, don't eat, and feel sorrow from morning til
night. I thought smoking Pot was causing me to be so eractic. So I have quit
since Feb 1/2000 and nothing has changed. I still can't control my thoughts or
actions. When I am happy, everyone loves me. I am truely fun to be with (super
positive and accepting), but when I am depressed, its really bad (incredibly
negative). These mood swing can occur very quickly. I can't live like this
anymore, everything I have tried has failed. I don't have any health insurance
so I don't know what to do? I want to get help and to be properly diagnosed?
Could someone lend some advise/ideas? It will be sometime til I have insurance
again and I am suffering alot right now. Reading all of your experiences has
helped me so much! I really think your all beautiful! One point though! You all
mention NORMAL people. There is NO SUCH thing. There are two kinds of people,
those who try to understand and accept themselves and those who ignore
themselves and don't care at all. All of you care and thats what makes ALL of
you so very beautiful. This world needs more like you than it does the ones who
never care. God bless all of you! All emails and advise is greatly appreciated.
|
|
| Sandi -
sandiyork@hotmail.com
|
| Comments - Hi. I have been diagnosed
with severe depression for two years now and my doctor has just referred me to
a psychiatrist to see if I am BiPolar. I know I am. I have read the symptoms,
signs, taken the online tests, etc. and I exhibit the classic symptoms of it.
Like a lot of the people here, I have had bad experiences with "IT".
I have gone through two bad marriages and many bad relationships because of
"IT". I always knew I was different from others, but in my manic
stage I am so up and high on myself I just chalked it up to the fact I am so
intelligent that they just can't handle being around me! What a crock! I can't
believe that I have managed to survive all these years without medication! I
have been on many different meds for depression and doc just upped my dose on
Celexa. Right now I feel "normal" for the first time in a LONG
time....not up, not down. But I am waiting. I know sooner or later I will have
to fight this beast when he decides to rear his ugly head again. My poor
boyfriend of 8 months is trying so hard to understand this disease and he
really gets the brunt of it when I'm down. I don't want him to look at me,
touch me or talk to me. I just want to be left alone, hide in my un-clean house
and sleep or read. He tries so hard to be supportive and helpful and he reminds
me to take my meds which I forget to do sometimes. I am so scared I will lose
him because of this. I can be so irritable and hard to get along with when I am
down. I am also out of a job right now because last November I got it in my
head I couldn't take another day at my office job! I just left-no notice, no
nothing. I am so afraid to get another job now because I know that I will get
that feeling again someday and I have already ruined my work record. My family
is completely NOT SUPPORTIVE of me. They do not understand what is happening to
me and frankly wish I would just suck it up, get a grip and move on! My mother
is taking Celexa also and many other meds, but her advice to me is to just
ignore it! She offers me no support and prefers to ignore her own problems with
it! I haven't spoken to my older brother in years and have now severed ties
with the closest family member I had-my sister. My two teenage kids make jokes
about my disease and maybe that's their way of handling it, but it sure doesn't
help me any! My other sister tells me Bi Polar doesn't exist-it's all in your
mind-and that people just use it as an excuse to get pity or leniency from
others. I have only one friend whom I don't talk to often about this-she is
also suffering from depression-she understands what I'm going through but is
not good at giving me advice. I have a paranoid/suspicious personality, so I
keep my distance from other people until I can check them out. And I hate
applying for jobs because I have a big problem letting people know things about
me! I have stopped sleeping at night-I stay up all night-and catch naps during
the day. I want to tell you all that I am so grateful there are others out
there who feel the same as I do and are living lives similar to mine. You don't
know how much it means to me to find you! Please write me and let me know you
are out there. I really need all the support I can get. My first appointment
with the psychiatrist is on May 18th, it's just an informational visit to start
with. If you have any advice, please tell me what to expect, etc. Thank you all
so much. |
|
| charlene pernal -
charp43@hotmail.com |
| Comments - Yes I have bipolar/manic
depressive and it is very terrible for me. I have self mutilated myself and
have been hospitalized for it. I have the rapid cycles of the manic part and it
sucks. This ruins my life. I am on meds but having a hard time with them. It is
very hard to explain to others because they do not understand. If you have any
suggestions please let me know. thanks, Charlene Pernal |
|
| candee -
maniccandee@hotmail.com
|
| Comments - Currently I am not on any
medication. I have been without it for a little over a year now, but the mixed
state, rapid cycling that is happening is getting worse. I am considering going
back on meds, lithium, but I just hate the idea of all the side effects that
are so debilitating. I have seen the "red flags", the paranoia,
hallucinations (auditory and visual), the excessive need to be in control of
everything and not being in control of anything. The severe irritability with
everything and everyone, and the constant quetioning of every thought and
decision i have. So, guess its time to go see the Dr. and try some new
meds. |
|
| Char - Charp43@hotmail.com |
| Comments - It has been a few weeks now
and I've been on knew meds and I've been feeling much much better, NO problems
as far as having the extreme violent mood swings, having the extreme nasty
vulgarity, etc. I feel extremely ravishing outside of feeling so damn irate.
ah! ah! ah! 1WK. I know it is still to soon to tell but I'm taking it day by
day. I feel GREAT! This is the person who wrote in with the rapid cycles and it
sucked. Write soon to keep you posted. Char (The 1st paragragh was written
4-18-00 the second at 5-18-00 just so you can see the diff. and I made a
mistake it has been a few weeks sorry.) |
|
| marie -
amsnutty@gateway.net |
| Comments - I was diagnosed with bipolar
disorder/manic depression. I am alcholic/drug addict because of years of
self-medicating. Shortly after I was diagnosed, I became pregnant with my
second child. It was a product of an affair while in a out of control manic
state. The 9 months,I was alright because of the incentive to stay healthy for
the baby's sake. One week after Lucas ws born I began having post-partum
depression. I began drinking uncontrollaby. My husband began to notice that I
was acting "crazy" again and finally gave me the third degree about
taking my meds. I am on depakote and wellbutrin and have noticed my mood swings
are beginning to stabalize. Being MD/bipolar is hard enough to understand
yourself, not to mention those who think you're just using it as an excuse. I
say BS, it is real and it is miserable. The thoughts that go through my head I
can't explain. The way I feel I can't explain. I just know that if I take my
meds and stay sober, I will make it in this world. |
|
| JAMIE -
jamiepeterso@hotmail.com
|
| Comments - I am not sure if I have this.
But I have been through a lot these last few years. Some of your symptoms are
all to familiar. I am outwardly, a "normal" "functioning"
person. I also go through periods of about a week or two of depression,
followed by a glorious happiness for another week. I feel like I have no
control over my feelings and actions. I lash out at my husband and daughter for
no reason, or I will make up a reason. I do get up in the morning, if I stay in
bed, then they will really think something is wrong with me. But sometimes I
think about "what if I just don't wake up?" I am not suicidal but I
do think about those what ifs. After one of my manic attacks, I will think back
and wonder what my problem was or why I did that. I am currently not on any
meds, but I am going to see my family doctor this week to have her recommend
what to do next. Thanks |
|
| Jo - |
| Comments - I have been manic depressive
since I was seventeen years old (though I wasn't officially diagnosed until age
32). When I was younger, I suffered from mania as manifested in increased
sexual appetite, risk-taking behaviours, and a general path of debris left in
my path wherever I went and with whomever I encountered. Following the birth of
my first child, and subsequent centering effects of marrage, I had seven years
of relative calm (no meds. needed). I still exerted much energy in fixing
relationship problems, etc., but I was managing. Following the birth of my
third child at age 32, I began having pyschotic depression with the terrifying
effects of tactile and olfactory hallucinations. It ultimately resulted in
severe malnutrition (as I could not eat) and a total inability to sleep. This
entire process spanned about six months, but in the end lent me completely
incapacitated and hospitalized. It was a nightmare trying various
antidepressants which further increased my anxiety and agitation, as well as
the psychoses. The doctor tried Lithium as a diagnostic tool and it was truly
like pouring water on a fire. Within three weeks, my life was back to normal.
Rather, I have been able to function at work and at home without the kind of
syptoms I was previously having. Honestly, like all the letters I have read, I
can attest that the last 7 years have not been easy-- even with medication. I
struggle with weight gain, anxiety, mood swings (though not as severe as in the
past), oversensitivity to the comments and actions of others, and the
overwhelming blow to my self-esteem of what others would think if they knew my
"label". (I've seen the reactions of nurses and other doctors,
dentists, etc., as I reviewed my medical history.) It takes a great deal of
strength to continue amid the ignorance and cruel comments of the general
public regarding mental illness. However, I am blessed to be married to a man
who is truly "a rock" and believes in my ability to live a quality
life in spite of this disease which has the propensity to be debilitating.
After hiding my diagnosis for so many years, I have begun to speak somewhat
more openly about it (with trusted friends). I think this is mainly due to the
pride I feel in myself that I have not given up (and there was and is a
definite pattern of suicide on my mother's side of the family). I have
persevered and looked this thing in the face, so to speak. As nothing in this
life is an accident, I feel that my experience had and continues to have a
purpose. And for any of you who recently watched the Golden Globe Awards, you
may remember the actor who so eloquently received his award and after thanking
those responsible for his success, he ended it by saying, " And to any of
you out there in the audience who my be manic depressive, NEVER GIVE UP."
Ditto... |
|
| marti - mpalme6@excite.com |
| Comments - This site has been a source
of strength to me. As I read others stories I know that I am not alone. Despite
the fact I am going through a really hard time now I have found it self-
affirming and healing to know that others share and care. I have been dealing
with this disease (sometimes well, sometimes poorly)for much of my 44 years.
When I wrote a paper on depression I was surprised to find out that depression
is one of the most treatable and yet undertreated diseases there is...I know I
wasn't treated properly for years.It took hospitalization (a manic episode) to
be diagnosed properly. There are lots of good web sites out there for support
and knowledge. One of my favorites is the bipolar sanctuary web site.
Healthyplace.com mental health communities is another. Good Luck to all. Marti
mpalme6@excite.com |
|
| Tammy Gibler -
btt219@aeroinc.net |
| Comments - Good day everyone! My name is
Tammy and I was diagnosed as being bipolar when I was a senior in high school
over 15 years ago. It was a very traumatic experience and I was in the hospital
for over 2 months the first time. I guess it did not help matters that I was
using drugs and alcohol at the time and that I am sure just help the bad go to
worse! I was put on many different kinds of meds in the hospital with aweful
side effects. At the time I was put into the hospital, the adult unit was
combined with the new adolescent unit and that was an absolute nightmare for
me. I was always scared and saw some very horrible things happen on that unit
that have been engrained onto my mind. After I was released from the hospital I
continued with seeing a dr and counselors at a place called Janet Wattles in
Rockford Illinois. That was a very helpful place for me and they had very good
drs. and counselors. After awhile though, I thought that I felt ok and I
decided to take myself off my medication. NOT A WISE CHOICE ON MY PART. As I
was going to find out later on down the road, this bipolar disorder DOES NOT GO
AWAY and need to be managed with medication and counseling (for me anyhow). I
unfortunately got back into drinking and using pot. I went into another severe
manic episode and went right back to the hospital. My manic episodes consisted
of no sleep, lots of rambling and making no sense, agitation, yelling and
screaming at everyone, threats against myself, and the worst of all was the
psychosis I went into. That happened to me the first time I went into the
hospital also and was a very scary thing not only for me but for the family
that surrounded me at the time. As I recall, the police escorted me to the
hospital facility where I was to spend another month and finally get put on the
proper medications. With this disorder, the family suffers just as much as the
person who has the disorder. It is so very hard for them to understand. Anyhow,
I have a very loving husband who has been with me through 2 of the 3 times I
have ever been in the hospital and he is still with me today. I praise God for
him to be in my life. I also have an 11 year old son. It was not over yet
though for me. I would start back up drinking again and this time I was doing
it while on my medication. I went into a full fledged mania with psychosis and
attempted to take my own life in 1993 by swallowing everything in the house
after going on a drinking binge. I honestly have no idea how I woke up the next
morning. I can only saw that God had a hand in my life and has led me to where
I am today in my wonderful life. I woke up on that very dreadful morning have
recalled very little of what I had done the night before and woke my husband
up. I knew something was wrong but not clearly. The one thing I can remember
saying to him was "You have to take me to the hospital, you have to take
me to the hospital!!" He did and we sat in the emergency room all day and
half the night. By the time we got there it was too late for them to pump my
stomach and everything I swallowed had to work its way out of my system on it's
own. It was absolutely heart breaking for my husband as it was for me after I
came to the realization of what I had tried to do to myself. I went cold turkey
and quit drinking the day I entered the hospital. I had very good drs. that
diagnosed me with dual diagnoses. That is a person who has an alcohol
dependency and drug dependency plus a mental disorder like bipolar disorder.
Finally some real answers and helpful medications were coming through for me. I
entered into an AA group as soon as I got out of the hospital and as of now I
have been clean and sober for 7 years. It now has also been 7 years since I
have been in the hospital. As I look back now, I have been through some long
struggles and have come out stronger for them. I am a thankful person to be
alive today and be able to share my experiences in the hopes that I may help
someone else. I look back and think and honestly know that I was only self
medicating myself to try to make the pain and the suffering go away that I was
feeling when in fact I was only heading down a dead end road. I have alot of
issues that I am now trying to work through in my life. I have an excellent dr.
and counselor and I am clean and sober. I take my medicine everyday at the same
time and get plenty of sleep. If I ever do start to feel not quite right, I am
very quick to get on the phone with my dr. and let her know what is going on in
my life so that I hope not to ever have to go to the hospital again. I know
though that they would be there should I ever need them. My family has stayed
by my side and I am thankful for that. Yes, I have many days of the roller
coaster ride and I am a very emotional person, more so that the
"normal" person. I am just a very blessed person to be alive today
and I will first of all thank my Lord for that. Then I wish to thank my family
for staying strong with me during the roughest times we have ever been through
in our lives. I am 33 years old and have been married for almost 14 years
(August 2nd, 2000). I guess that is about it. I hope and pray that whoever
reads this will take a piece of it with them and it will help you in your life.
Please feel free to e-mail me anytime. I am a homemaker now. I quit my job 1
year ago as my bipolar disorder had gotten so very bad and I sunk into a very
deep depression for about 6 months. I have come out of that well now and am
glad that I can be at home with my 11 year old son now. You all have a good day
and remember to e-mail me anytime. Thanks and God Bless, Tammy Gibler
|
|
| Erica - dwnlkdt@music.com |
| Comments - I am sixteen years old and it
has been suggested to me that I may be a manic depressive. A lot of what I have
read has hit too close to home for words. It was first mentioned to me 3 years
ago, at that time I was thirteen and I absolutly refused to go and see a
theripist. But I am now sixteen and entering my junior year of high school, and
I want to get help. I want a doctor to tell me that there is something clinicly
wrong with me and that there are ways to work on it. I hate sleeping for
thirteen or forteen hours a day and being depressed all the time. I also hate
getting three hours of sleep and not being able to sit still or controll my
self. I can't go through the rest of my life like this...I need some sort of
balance. The thing is that I'm a part of a large family and we simply don't
have the money to send me to a certified theripist. I went to see a church
councler, but I just could not see to talk to her. She kept telling me to ask
God to help me, and don't get me wrong I am verry religious, I just don't see
how He can help me live through this day by day for the rest of my life. I have
found one friend who is truly there for me, and he really helps me out when I'm
going through my sycotic moods, but he's going to college next year, and I
don't want to be a berdin for him...this is my problem I'm the one who has to
live with it, not him. Well I guess my question to you is do you know of
anywhere I can go to seek treatment or any one I can contact who would know?
I'm not sure if you need to know where I live, but it might help...I live in
Naples, FL...please e-mail me back soon. Thank you |
|
| Noel - mack.ruthpeel@centur |
| Comments - I am so tired of going
through all the depression. I just got out of the hospital yesterday, and I am
starting to feel better. It takes so long to get back to normal. Normal what
does that mean anyway I think "normal" people are overrated - they
have problems too!! |
|
| Emily -
|
| Comments - Dear Jinnah hey there in
Trinadad. My name is Emily and I have Bipolar disorder. I too am a rapid cycler
when I read your story I was shocked. It was like someone was describing me to
a tee. I am not medicated and its very difficult there is no stability in my
life although when I am in my hypomanic state I claim to be centered. I was
first diagnosed in 1993 at the age of 16. I was already medicated for 4 years
exactly. sometimes I wish that I could at least be seminormal but I guess when
we bipolar disordered effected people we are strong and really tough because we
survive torment. I am dually diagnosed I also had an addiction to Dalmane and
halicon. as well as alcohol. It is so awesome that we have this in common well
Now at 24 years old I struggle daily with this ailment. I also got sober 11 1/2
months ago. hey thatnks for your page I don't feel singled out anymore. May god
bless you |
|
| BETH -
ALWAYSMARVELOUS@AOL.COM
|
| Comments -I JUST SAW THOUGHTS IN THE
DESCRIPTION ON THE SIDE, SOME DAYS WAY TO MANY, SOME DAYS NONE. THE THING I
PROBIBLY DISLIKE THE MOST IS YOU DONT REALIZE YOU ARE IN A CYCLE UNTIL IT COMES
TO A HEAD AND YOU FEEL SERIOUSLY NUTTY. I HAVE BEEN IN 2 HOSPITALS, ONE WHEN I
ALMOST DRANK MYSELF TO DEATH(AFTER 15 YEARS OF DRINKING 2ND TIME WHEN I ALSO
SAW NO WAY OUT AND TOOK AS MANY PILLS AS I COULD FIND, WENT TO ER, THEN PSY
WARD FOR A WEEK. SOME HOW WHEN YOU COMBINE ALL THESE THINGS TOGETHER WITH ALL
THE RX'S THAT HAVE BEEN SUBSCRIBED IT DOESNTSEEM TO AFFECT MY LIFE TODAY, EACH
DAY IS LIKE NO OTHER I GUESS I MEAN TO SAY THAT THE ONLY ONGOING RYYTHEM IS
THAT OF "WHO WILL I BE TODAY" I GOTTA TELL YOU THIS IS A VERY SCARRY
THING TO HAVE HANGING OVER YOUR HEAD! |
|
| deeann - dzenbuddha@cs.coom |
| Comments - Everything is either work
expressing itself through life or just life expressing itself through so much
joy! I suppose you are either sad or exstatic, whicchever the case may be. I
have got to be your text book manic depressive. Ten years ago, I would have
indiscriminate sex with any one willing/interesting enough. I go on these wild
sspending sprees buying whatever it is that will make me happy at the time. I
am always trying to change my life. Has everyone just slept with someone just
to see what it would be like. Just for the excitememt of sleeping with that
other person?? Have you spent hundreds of dollars on material things thinking
they would make you feel better, but, alas, you are still the same pathetic
bastard you were before. |
|
| MarleneSquire Somerville -
PUSHMAR@aol.com |
| Comments - I was diagnosed in 1987.
There is a certainty that the illness was there long before that. The Dr at one
point suggested that I may even be Add as well. It took about 6 yrs to find the
right combination of Meds. Now there is only an occassional adjustment in meds.
I've been hospitalized 7 times.But it has been 8 yrs.since my last admission. I
am doing much better but I still have a lot of work ahead of me. I am looking
into training in hopesof finding employment that I can handle. I still dont
handle to much pressure. I have other health problems that interfere with what
I am able to do. I continue with my counseling,take my meds and see the the Dr.
as scheduled. I still deal with thinking I don't need my meds from time to
time. But deep down I know that is not so. My Dx is bipolar1, mixed states and
PTSD.I also deal with dyslexia, arthritis in my hip,hands and knees.I alsx deal
with a slipped disk which is annoying but not ready for any kind of surgery.
along with a few other health problems this might prove to be too much. But I
feel I have to try. I am hoping to find something I can do from home. I have
had a sorted past of trying to kill myself, cutting myself up. I started to
become abusive with my children but had intervention in time. I have 3
beautiful children the resultof 2failed marriages. At one point I had to turn
my children over to their fathers because I was doing them more harm than
good.The outbursts I use to have on a regular basis ever since I was a child
were often senseless and disjointed. I have to admit it feels good not to find
myself this way on a regular basis anymore. I know have a great husband that
tolerates me when I falter. My children 2 grown up now and one still with dad
have a good relationshiip. there was a time when they didnot understand but
they have seen the change. My oldest was diagnosed add at four. Now at 23 he
was Dx bipolar 3 yrs ago. but unfortunatly he has not come to a point of taking
the proper measures. I guess we all learn in our own time. |
|
| Mike P. -
jokermantvc15@msn.com
|
| Comments - I am 42 years old and have
been bipolar since I was 18 years old. I had my first manic episode at that
time. I was a freshman in college. I had to quit school at that time because I
was hospitalized. Since that time I have had 9 manic episodes and
hospitalizations. I guess I was in denial for a long time about having an
illness because I would recover pretty fast without the aid of medications. I
never took them after I left the hospital. About nine years ago I did alot of
reading about the illness and and decided to try the medications. I could not
tolerate the lithium; I felt numb and it made me breakout with acne all over my
body. I was then put on tegretol which I tolerated well. I was on a low dose
and felt like I could function normally. I never liked to take antidepressants
because I didn't experience real deep depressions and I wanted to be on the
least amount of medications as possible. At the age of thirty five I was able
to return to college because I was receiving disability because I had worked
most of my adult life despite my illness. I was able to complete school in 1997
and received my bachelor's degree in English education and am now a high school
English teacher. It is not the best profession for someone who is bipolar
(because of the stress of the job) but I was able to complete my first year of
teaching without any problems. I was able to accomplish this being on my meds.
I do, however, miss my manias at time because I am a poet/lyric writer and I am
able to write very well in the hypomanic state. Mania is like being on a
drug--the best drug. You feel so close to God and at one with Him and like you
can accomplish anything. You will eventually get into trouble or you will get
locked up by the police. Your family might commit you or you will commit
yourself. Then you will be given the worst psychotropic drugs--haldol or
thorazine and you will feel numb and come down to earth. Then you might
experience a minor depression. Then you will have to deal with all the money
you have spent, friends you have ostracized, and the other negative
consequences of your illness. All these things have happened to me. And believe
it or not, I still am tempted to go off of my medication. I can go for years
without a manic episode being off of my meds. I have gone for three years and
even five years without an episode being off of my meds. But I take them for
the security they give me, even though I know you can still get sick on your
medications. It has been two years now since I had my last manic episode. I had
let my medication level get too low. I still am not thoroughly convinced
medications are the only way to go. I heard Margot Kidder say she takes
alternative treatments for her illness. I live life day by day. I never know
when I can get ill. I don't really live in fear though because I know God has a
plan for me and I trust Him to see me through these hard times. I guess my
faith sustains me a lot. Many great people have been bipolar (writers,
musicians, artists, and thinkers) and maybe their illness contributed to their
greatness. Who knows? Well, this is my story so far. I hope it can inspire
others to accomplish things in their lives and to know that bipolar illness is
not a death sentence. We can live and be happy, productive people. Greetings to
my fellow manic-depressives. Sincerely, Mike P. |
|
| Pat - pat@bigplanet.com |
| Comments - Hi, I have bi-polar disorder
which was diagnosed in October 1998. Since 1990 I suffered with depression that
progressed and I started watching my mood pattern. It was like a roller
coaster. I have been in and out of mental hopitals 9 times and one of these I
took an overdose of Ativan (80 pills). I graduated from nursing school in 1994
and I have been unable to work more than 3 months or less at a time. I tolerate
it until I feel I am going to explode. I love the work I do and do it well but
this mental illness has effected my working. I divorced my husband after 32
years of marriage and hit rock bottom. There are so many things I could say
that this illness destroyed but I do not want to run out of space. I was put on
so many antidepressants and now for the last 2.5 years I have done great on
Effexor 150mg. TID, Ativan 1mg. TID, and Dextrostax 10mg. TID, theses
medications have worked a miricle in my life. I would be so tired the mere
effort of getting out of bed made me depressed. I began to not care, to not
feeling at all. I told my doctor that my child could die right in front of me
and I would not shed a tear. I never experienced any thing quite like that
before. I felt like a dead person walking around. If not for the medications I
could not function. My marriage suffered greatly because my husband nor I knew
what was wrong. Even now my ex-husband (even reading material) cannot
understand the mood swings and the trouble I cause others and myself. I feel a
person needs to try different meds. to see which works the best for them. I
took Paxil for several years until I built up a tolerance to the drug. The
Effexor is not primarily used for bi-polar but with the other meds. it keeps it
balanced. I was started with 37.5 and 75mg and the 150 is working good for me.
I started back exercising, eating fruit, and drinking water instead of sodas. I
have been going to interviews for employment. I feel stronger and mentally
well. I hope this information helps. I have to remind myself that if you want
to overcome an obstical in your life tell yourself "ITs MIND OVER
MATTER". You need to say I can overcome this illness, otherwise it will
destroy you. Make yourself get up and get involved with something you like and
interact with others. |
|
| carolyn hermon -
chermon_98@yahoo.com |
| Comments - my name is carolyn hermon and
I am a manic depressive person. have been for yers and hate it. the ups and
downs are teribe and when iam physicaly sick i get worse and feel very sucidal.
all the meds ans therapy are driving me crazy. when will this ever end. I am 52
years old and need no more |
|
| oldtenorsaxman -
oldtenorsaxman@aol.com
|
| Comments - Until I found the internet,I
thought I was alone.I thought I was quite mad,which perhaps I am.I have been a
manic depressive all my life but didn,t know it until it came out of the
closet.I am an entertainer,I understand we are common victims.I was widowed for
9 years,the night before my wedding to my 2nd wife I told her I was bipolar.She
married me anyway and we are going on our 5th year.She says it is quite an
adventure not knowing who she is going to wake up with.My bride envies me,she
takes Prozac wonders what te manic state is like.For me,it is quite wonderful,I
love being on stage,but the deppressive state is quite terrible,suicides,strait
jackets,etc.someone talk to me.I hurt |
|
| Earl - ebailley@tscnet.com |
| Comments - Being 73 makes me an old fart
but I am not a long term diagnosed BP. That happened ten years ago when I
retired from working I told my family doc I wanted to try Lithium. What for?
Manic Depression I said. No. He said. I was right, Lithium did take the edge
off my highs and finally set up with a shrink I got Prozac. Stable on the same
meds ever since! But maybe I had an easier row to hoe than most being BP II but
mostly up. Being hypomanic was certainly a part of my working career. I
figuratively leapt tall buildings at a single bound but then on reflection was
able to look back to when I was twelve and slashed my wrists with scars visible
to this day a dozen years later a rifle misfired with the nozzle in my mouth.
And then there were pills! Finally I decided that while I wished to kill myself
it was obvious that I did not want to die. I had been self medicating since 16
with a bottle of booze every weekend moving to a bottle a day. Former wife said
I was a drunk and goodbye. Got a new one and a year later quit booze and
smokes. I now have that lovely lady for 16 years, the real definition of
Significant Other. Oh, I still bounce up a bit and go down but nothing severe.
Heck I am almost civilized in my behavior except for the up bounces. Funny they
seem ok to me! Earl |
|
| Jaime -
HonoluluLady80@aol.com
|
| Comments - Thank God for music or I
really believe I would lose my mind in this maze of twists and turns. I was
diagnaosed just this past year with bipolar disorder and am still trying to get
a handle on the right medication! Along with that, I found out today that I am
either severly anemic or could possibly be -- leukemia. only time will tell.
Now the music part -- i was listening to this song by Savage Garden called
Crash and Burn and I could really relate to all that was being sung. I wonder
if anyone else fells the same?? |
|
| Tonya - tstouder@cincom.com |
| Comments - When you have depression, it
is the worst illness!!! No one understands until they've been there. When
something happens that is "not good", I get so upset, you would think
that the world is coming to an end. On the other hand, when something little
"goes good", I get really excited about it. When I get a little
stressed, I get sick. I get so tired that I can't get out of bed. It has
effected my work and my family life. Does anyone else have these feelings?
tstouder@cincom.com |
|
| amy - ak2irl@mindspring.com |
| Comments - i've been bipolar since about
age 18, although i never recieved a diagnosis until this past year. i can't
believe i've survived these 10 years...there were so many times i damaged
myself, sometimes severely, trying to deal with the pain and anger.
relationships destroyed, friendships and family relationships strained...i have
hurt so many people, and it is so hard see all the messes i left behind, i feel
like a tornado - laying a path of destruction. i was paranoid, defensive,
irrational, angry...and then i would be the sweetest person you'd ever met - on
the outside - while inside i hated myself and thought of ways to die. i thought
all my highs and lows were normal, for a person with an artistic temperament
like myself, the mood swings are so much a part of me that i don't really know
what life is like without them... i am currently on seroquel (anti-psychotic)
and it seems to even me out pretty well, i am actually able to sleep soundly
for the first time in my life. but sometimes i am just left feeling numbed,
just TOO CALM. i miss the mental wild streaks, sometimes, i find myself wishing
i could induce one just so i could feel like myself again. i am not used to
this calm me, i feel alien and on the outside of everything and everyone around
me. like i am wearing a shell, a cover that is somehow holding the real me
bottled up inside somewhere. does this feeling go away after you've been on the
medication for a while? i've only been on meds for about 3 months, and while in
one sense i like the calmness that allows me to get along with people i love
and to manage my life fairly well, does the empty feeling ever wane and fade to
where you feel like a normal person? (if there is such a thing.) |
|
| Kim - adhdidmom@hotmail.com |
| Comments - My 10 year old daughter was
diagnosed at age 5 with ADHD. Last year her psychiatrist changed her diagnoses
to Bi polar. Since then we have kept her on the ADHD meds and had no real
concerns. In the past three months we have noticed her having more mood swings,
becoming irrational, etc. I started doing some research into bi polar and have
found that my daughter most likely is in a manic phase. Problem is everything
out there is about adult bi polar and not child bi polar. I read Danielle
Steeles book about her son and it was helpful but it's rather frustrating to
have people telling you your child has this and you should do that when you
can't get any substansial research that affects you. |
|
| Lainie -
LainiesComet@aol.com |
| Comments - Possibly, I could write a
book on my experience. But, alas, space here is a limitation. I had a manic
nervous breakdown a little over a year ago. My perspective of life/the world
and my sensual awareness of nature, music, art, etc. was superior. I had the
most positive attitude I have ever had in my life. Problem was: no one else in
my community/family could figure out where I was. I am stable now, for a year.
After my experience of late 1998, this is what I think: 1) People with mental
illness are treated worse than absolute criminals--having many civil rights
denied. 2) Diagnostic & treatment methods are so "hit & miss"
one can go on for years without proper treatment. 3) Even the most
educated/aware friends I had didn't have a clue as to what was happening to me
and many, subsequently, abandoned me as a friend. That's all for now. As Ever,
Lainie |
|
| ron levine -
rlevine2001@aol.com |
| Comments - I am a 46 year old man
bipolar. mostly deep depressions. I had a fairly normal life 10 years
ago..computer job, apt, car, parents, siblings, hobbies,skiiing, scuba,etc.
THEN 40 hospitalizations in the next 10 years for clinical depression!!!. Next
OD on Lithium 5 times in 5 years..40 ECT treatments..No apt. No car living in a
Board and Care home ron |
|
| Hart - chart@erinet.com |
| Comments - I have been dealing with
depression for over 15 years, but didn't begin to do anything about it until my
late 20's. I drank and took pills to try and feel better and ended up an
alcoholic. Thought that was my only problem until I had given up alcohol for
close to a year and still felt depressed and had mood swings. After my daughter
was born, I began to realize there was something really wrong here! Finally
went to see a psychiatrist about six months ago who started me out on Depakote.
That seemed to work okay for a couple of months, but then I was rapid cycling
and also had gained about 15 pounds. I've switched to Neurontin and Trazadone
which I felt pretty good with; but lately, I have been very depressed and have
felt like I am really losing my sanity. Having some auditory hallucinations and
panic attacks. Most days I do not want to get out of bed and would acutally
prefer to spend the entire day there. I see my psychiatrist this week, so we'll
see if I need to switch meds or change or whatever. I get so frustrated because
no one knows how an individual's body chemistry is going to react with
medication. It scares me to think that I could have a psychotic reaction. I'm
trying to find a support group in my area as well. |
|
| linda tinsley -
podlegirl@cs.com |
| Comments - i feel very hopeless i go
into these mood swings and i can feel it comming on most of the time i just
want to give up i have no insureance i just dont know what to do can there be
help fpr me? |
|
| jim - jimmyc@pdqnet.net |
| Comments - manic depression. i would
just as soon be ( DEAD ) |
|
| Jameel Sayeed - conceited_nomad@hotmail.com | | Comments - I haven't been officially diagnosed with bipolar disoder but I can definetly relate to the symptoms of others who have. I'm only twenty years old but as far back as I can remember I have exhibited the mental fickleness of someone suffering from a serious mental condition.
For instance, today I encountered a down period.
-I lost the urge to communicate with my family for no apparrent reason.
-I couldn't even look in the miiror to comb my hair without feeling like I was peering into the eyes of a hideous monster.
-I began to have wild suicidal thoughts (which isn't rare for me).
-I felt utterly useless and helpless and my only desire was to sleep and drown in a puddle of salty tears.
These are just a few of the emotions I was experiencing today, and even though the feeling goes away, life seems pointless because I know this state will soon be back scratching at my psyhcie. |
|
| Jen - ski2live1508@aol.com | | Comments - I am wondering if I am the only person on earth who is going through my experience. I have had some permanent jobs on and off for now about ten years after I graduated from college. My episodes with depression can be from two months just doing nothing but sleeping and eating to working. I am on paxil and and had long term therepy. I lost all of my relatives at a very young age. My mother was my whole support system. My ex-boyfriend of 7 years got married and I find myself wondering if I will ever have the confidence to continue everyday life. I even plan to purchase a home out of state. My great accomplished ment was buying the condo that I live in now. It just feels like I have no one. They tell me to volunteer. I am 31 single and just hang on everyday maybe I will always be living in survival mode because I don't have relatives around(my mom). At least I faxed some resumes from home today and am still in therepy. If anyone can relate to this e mail me. I wouldn't mind chatting with you.
Jen |
|
| Jill - Ladybeetlejlf@aol.com | | Comments - I can only describe this as being happy one minute and mad the next it seems. I have been on Prozac for several years but I don't think it's working anymore.I have an appt. with a Psychiatrist for the first time next week. I'm driving everyone around me crazy so I need to do something. |
|
| colleen - kingsoli@mailcity.com | | Comments - First I must ask you to forgive my spelling and punctuation. When I get going I get it all wrong. I can do it but only if I slow down and I havn't masterd control yet.
I am a 25 year old female from Illinois. I was diagnosed bipolar a year ago. I was pregnant so I couldn't start meds. till now. I will be starting lithium this week. I have already been on zoloft and will continue it along with the lithium. I am also a rapid cycler. I have had it forever but was misdiagnosed till now.
I am so happy to meet someone with the same discription as me. We have all the same irritating habits. I just found out I have been someone else for 25 years. I have hurt alot of people around me and that could have been avoided. One thing different with me was my violent episodes when angry. I am so ashamed and saddend from what I have done. Luckily those same people have decided to stand by me.
Well I am a wreck butready to fight this with all the strength I can muster. Good luck on your journey and I hope to hear from you. Your page has and will do wonders for me.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH for sharing your life, Colleen (a.k.a CAT) |
|
| Terri - Honisuckle@aol.com | | Comments - Hello to everyone! I became ill when I was 28 after a mental breakdown and later found out that I was bipolar, among other affective disorders.My life will never be the same as it used to be. I have seen that life as "normal" will never be. Six years of many differant medications and pdocs have not helped me very much at all. I am much better now that I have accepted that BP is a part of me and always will be there, like an evil spirit waiting to strike at any time. For the first two years I just wanted to die, would pray for God to take me, planned my suicide right down to planning a funeral. Thank God for my mother, kids and my friends with BP that I have met online. They have helped me get some control over myself and I love them as if they are my family. I also had started drinking BAD, they have been my support through that and my horrible relationship with my husband. It is hard to have a solid relationship with a man who refuses to try and learn anything about this. And most family members are the same. Maybe one day WE can make it easier for the others coming behind us. Peace to all~~~~Terri |
|
| Jenn - jlcfair@hotmail.com | | Comments - I am 37 years old and will be divorcing my 3rd husband soon. I find this very disturbing to say the least. Yes, there are other issues in this marriage that have caused it to fail and I often ponder over how much of my illness has contributed to the break up. I will never know that answer.
I have mixed states of manic depression and it takes a toll on my body. The first time I experienced siholette visions, I nearly feel to my knees. I never wallpapered before and I stayed up for days at a time and completed 3 rooms in one month. It was a struggle since I was manic, crying tears and trying to hand the dang stuff. I had so much confidence thou and the project looked very well. It was his home that I did this work in and he will benefit ultimately.
I am sad today as I have been the past 2 days. I know I could cry in a drop of a pin and have no reason to cry for. I can sit here and try to find a reason...
I take seven medications a day and some pills twice a day. Can't stand to swallow them at times but I know I could fall deep in a well of tears and suicidal feelings would then appear.
My two adult children are the only individuals close to me that understand fully and have also gone through years of when I had sustained a head injury. Really can't expect the other individuals
to understand--that is why I lock myself inside my apartment. It is easier to keep to myself than to try to play a semi-normal role that I was never meant to have.
I hope that I can reach out to someone on the internet that could be a good support system. Life does get very lonely at times. Taking pills to try to sleep is my biggest oncore of the day.
|
|
| steve grant - surge@aucom.net.au | | Comments - if anyone recieves this message my dad had bipolar manic depression and i might be a candidate for this im 47 and drink alot just recently seperated due to my drinking so as idont go to doctor unless i have a dose of the flu maybe once every 18 months if that i actually requested prozac about 12 months ago and was given a5 month course i took it for 4 months and it curbed my need for alcohol but i started to forget every day things like tying shoe laces uncrossing my legs and id get electric jolts in limbs and head this i attributed to the prozac as my mate used prozac also and he had similar experiences i stopped taking prozac and now drink again |
|
| Heather- "Scottie" - | | Comments - Seven years ago, when I was 22, my therapist wanted me to see a psychiatrist (I had been seeing the therapist for some PTSD issues) because I was severely depressed. The psych was horrible. He only asked about three questions and put me on Zoloft. Two weeks later I was skipping appointments, staying out all night, eating maybe 300 calories a day (but didn't feel hungery), doing all sorts of "dangerous" behaviors, and cut about 5 inches off my hair and dyed it a different color. But hey, I didn't feel strange. I was ignoring my family and friends (they may have noticed something was wrong). I was hanging out with new frinds, who like me because I was crazy and would try anything. Then one night I ran into my best friend (someone I had known since I was 5), she convinced me to stay with her that night, and just hang out. Good thing, because I creashed around 3am and tried to kill myself. The next day she drove me to the hospital and I checked myself in.
It turns out I was bi-polar and the anti-depressants sent me on a manic spree from Hell. I have my good weeks and I have my bad weeks. I've been hospitalized one other time since. I'm now married and hold a job. I fight taking my meds, and go off of them at times, only to realize (with some gentle- or not so gentle- prodding by hubby) that I need to go back on them. I have a psych that I like and trust and a therapist that I adore.
I am about to go off my meds, so I can try to get pregnant. I'm scared about the many issues that brings up. Life has been good recently, but is it the meds? Will I do a bad spiral off the meds? Will I pass bi-polar on to a child?
A nice quiet stable life, without all of these questions would be nice!
|
|
| jerald jenkins - jeraldejenkins@juno.com | | Comments - manic depression,has robbed me of nornal living situations.love relationships are mirror image.i am in my fifth marriage. Trips to Mexico for sex are very common.I am never content with material or relationships. There are times when reality does not exist.Now I want two wives,viagra is product not needed. |
|
| g - marsbell3@aol.com | | Comments - i suffered the effects of bi polar disorder as a teenager, but luckily have learned how to control it so it doesn't get the best of me. at the age of 16 i was put on prozac, lithium, etc. and it seemed to only sedate me and make me non-human with little emotion or empathy for other people.
i met a guy who was understanding and put up with all of my crap, overreacting and irrational
displays of violence and self-sedation. i don't know how it happened, but i think that by being in his presence i was calmed. he didn't do anything in particular, he was just generally laid back and easy going. i reached an understanding that if you have no self control
over your emotions or thoughts, who else can control it for you? no one. you have to do it for yourself. doctors, medications and natural remedies arent going to help. it's only a temporary way to solve a problem that isn't going to go away. it's not easy, but you have to convince yourself you're stronger than it,
and talk yourself out of the negative thoughts.
three psychiatrists, drugs, none of it helped.
i had to help myself. |
|
| Stephanie Burgert - mikeandsteff1999@netzero.net | | Comments - I was just diagnosed on Thursday with manic-depression and feel so releaved. I finally know why i have been so paranoid. I am going to go back to work on monday and i am not sure how others will handle me being there. I am not ashamed of my mental illness. I plan on joining a support group such as NAMI.
My "brain hurts" and i have to take medication for the rest of my lift - just like my mom. We are on the same meds. Lithium. I also am on Prozac. What's it going to be like being on all these meds. We are planing of having our first child next year and already nervous about getting off the medication. |
|
| Sandra Jones - sandispoetry@yahoo.com | | Comments - Living with BiPolar is very hard. It is especially hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it. I hate it. When I have anxiety attack, I get very scared, all I want to do is throw things (still learning how to control this). I also want to just leave everything behind, not as in suicide, but living arrangements. I love my new husband with all my heart, but there are times when I wish I lived all alone. I wouldn't have to cook for anyone, wash clothes for anyone, sleep at a certain time, eat at a certain, could come and go as I please. This is the hardest to control, because once the thought enters my head, it is VERY hard to get it out. BTW, love your site. TY |
|
| susan browning - kita@total.net | | Comments - Hello,my mane is Susan I have been a manic depressive for 20 years I am living a normal and very stable life,after going through many years of finding the right medication an intensive physitherapy.When I first discovered I was manic I would not admit ran away from it. Then in 1990 I had no choice but to face it I am also a recovering addict,a escape fom reality I now know. Sober for 6 years another battle conquered. I first started to learn more about being manic,then I set off to find out everything and anything that could help me with manic depression. I was a very flirtous,stubborn,rude,abrupt when I was manic, I once stopped my meds and alas I crashed never did that again. I had passes hell.I didnot want to live anymore,after many of years and group and one on one therapy I am now happy,stable and you would never know I was manic to date. I have a a great husband and a beautiful daughter which I had at 16 yrs of age so of course I had to try to learn how to communicate with my girl,it seems since I have been sober and stable life is wonderful.Never give up,call some one when you feel something perhaps may go wrong support system is a great thing to have you can beat this it may be the hardest thing you do in your life but the rewars are forthcoming. Ypu can e-mail me at anytime at kita@total.net KEEP THE FAITH'
GOD BLESS
SUSAN |
|
| Hai - Haiogi@aol.com | | Comments - Greetings everyone, I am just amazed, reading many of these experiences and feeling as if I wrote them myself, except for one thing that I haven't heard mentioned here. My experience during the high/manic times have been mostly positive and extraordinary to say the least. Granted, the depressive lows have been devastating. Emotional pain so deep that it has almost taken my last breath away. However, the highs have been somewhat miraculous. I have accomplished things in a short period that were considered impossible. During these manic phases, I have discovered hidden talents and intelligence that are very organic in nature, resulting in the most beautiful artwork, successful businesses and relationships. Maintaining them, well that is another story. I am very interested in hearing from others about the positive feelings and experiences during the "high times". Has anyone else experienced extraordinary talents emerge? Has anyone else felt close to omnipotence and used this glorious feeling to create good fortune and experiences that are profound? It has been difficult for me to catagorize these positive experiences as a disorder. I and others have benefited from what I am able to create during the manic episodes. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Has anyone else felt this? If so, I would love to hear about your experiences. I am asking some new questions these days. What are the possible virtues of this disorder? What do they mean within the larger picture that is the human condition? One thing that I do know, and after reading others comments I feel that it is something that we all share to one degree or another, and that is that we are all very rare in
our capacity to feel deeply our lives. Our emotions are heightened and bottomless. When we hurt, it is indescribable, when I feel joy it is boundless. We are mostly an articulate bunch. Intelligent,creatively descriptive and passionate. The fact of the matter is that I think "normal" is altogether over rated. Life on this planet is DIFFICULT if we allow ourselves to truly feel what it means to be here amidst all the pain. The "normals" aren't as sensitive, so they are able to go about their business mostly untouched. What I have been able to do on occasion is to feel the same degree of joy and vitality as my capacity to feel pain. That
is also out of the range for the normal folks to experience. I feel that I am on to something that I plan to share at some point. My sense is that there is great hope for us, we just need to reframe our perspectives to honor our uniqueness.
Cater our lives to fit who we are at our best while preparing for "safe" down times. Interesting how money plays such a significant role in all of this. I'm determined to figure all of this out so that we emerge on top, integrity intact, self respecting. I send a large dose of love to each and everyone of you, please stick around, don't allow the medical professionals to
determine your potential, good news awaits you,
Hai |
|
| Joanne - Mcalca1706@aol.com | | Comments - I have been living with bp diagnosis for two years right after my mother's death. I knew something was wrong with me but no one was able to tell me what was wrong with me. I was hospitalized two years ago and it was the worst experience of my life. I was seeing two doctors who perscribed two different medications that caused me to become ill. I left the hospital after five days and was given depakote. I took this medicine for one year and gained fifty pounds. I told my doctor I wanted a change and she persctribed neurontin which added more fuel to the fire and I gained twenty more pounds. I am only 5 feet tall. I begged her to give me something else. She gave me lactimal at 200mg. I was doing great on it and lost five pounds. But with my luck I had an alllergic reaction by getting hives, rashes and constant itching.She should have started me out with a lower dosage but her decision was to take me off the medicine altogether. Right now I am taking topomax with serzone. So far I am still experiencing problems. I do not know if there is any thing that will help me. I am losing faith. One good thing I did was to join a gym where I attend four times a week. I cry often. I am irritable. I had to leave my job three weeks before vacation time because I couldn't cope. I am driving my husband crazy. My other relatives don't know what to do with me. I have alienated my friends. I sleep alot. I am afraid to go out alone. I am scared to go back to work after my vacation. This is a terrible disorder. I feel so helpless.I would like to meet other people who suffer with bipolar disorder just to share experiences and maybe to see what works with one may help me. If anyone knows of a good psychaitrist in the Queens area please E-mail me. Thanks. |
|
| patricia evans - www.dzezbzbzizez@hotmail.com | | Comments - I have only had my diagnosos for a little over a week but it feels like an eternity I want to hear my psyciatrist say he can make me well forever not tell my to be prepared for the next time I am "sick" I have two small children and if there is a silver lining to all of this it is that my love for them is stronger than bipolar disorder, when I am explosive it is not at them if they are home and I am crying I hide in the shower my need to protect them is still there. I pray that with time this will get easier although right now I feel as if I am in a huge pit and someone is throwing dirt on top of me.If you choose to respond to me please use my above email address as right now I am using my father in laws computer if he gets messages for me well they'll like me even less. |
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| NOT IMPORTANT - NOT IMPORTANT EITHER | | Comments - I,M 16 AND HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL AND BEING BI POLAR JUST PUTS ME ON A LEVEL THAT IS TWICE AS DEEP AS EVERY ONE ELSE IN MY FAMILY. i CAN FEEL MYSELF GETTING WORSE EVERY DAY AND FEAR WHAT MIGHT COMME IN THE FUTURE. MY IRRITABILITY IS OUT OF CONTROL AND I AM IN A MIXED STATE WHICH SEEMS TO BE EQUALLY MANIC AS DEPRESSED. I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ANY TYPE OF AUTHORITY AND FEEL AS THOUGH I CAN SUCCEED BY MYSELF. THE LITTLE THINGS SEND ME OFF BUT I HAVE LEARNED TO RESTRAIN FROM ACTING ON THEM BUT AM NOT SURE HOW LONG THIS CAN BE DONE.MY HEAD HURTS FROM THE THOUGHTS THAT RACE THROUGH IT I WANT TO BURST OUT BUT I JUST DON,T DO IT BUT IT SEEMS TO GET WORSE THIS CURSE THAT I LIVE WITH THE MANIA I CAN STRIVE WITH MY DOG I STAY ALIVE WITH.IT SHINES IN THE FRONT BUT IT RAINS IN THE BACK AND THE MIDDLE FUCK THIS MIDDLE CUASE THE MIDDLE DOES ALOT AND A LITTLE RIGHT NOW I'M STUCK IN BETWEEN AND I HOPE YOU SEE THE RIDDLE.I WILL TRY NEVER TO SETTLE FOR LESS CAUSE THIS CURSE CAN ALSO SEEM LIKE I'M BLESSED.BUT AT OTHER TIMES IT LEAVES ME COLD AND FULL OF STRESS WHAT A MESS . AND WHAT KIND OF LIFE WILL COME FROM A BOY TO A MAN THAT IS SPLIT IN HALF YOU WILL ONLY KNOW IF YOU HAVE MY KIND OF SOUL IN ORDER TO DO THE MATH.AND MY WRATH WILL GROW LIKE A AVALANCHE OF SNOW UNTIL I'M OLD AT THE BOTTOM OF THE MOUNTAIN AND IT BEGINS TO SLOW THERE IT WILL DIE WILL I FRIE OR PROCEED TO HEAVEN WILL GOD GIVE ME A BREAK FROM WHAT HIM TO ME HE HAS GIVEN.I CAN ONLY GO ABOUT ONE THING FOR SO LONG CAUSE MY PATIENTS WILL NEVER ALLOW ME TO FINISH SO I SHALL LET THIS POEM DEMINISH. |
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| Nini - Bscorpio76@aol.com | | Comments - As I sit and ponder how long will this last this time. My heart is beating really fast I'm cold and scared. I want to cry but, I am to affraid to cry I am to affraid to laugh or talk even move,I can just try and slow down enough to breath. I'm yelling inside beggeing to feel normal. Will I be OK what is ok ? I don't think I will ever know....I feel this way today but, tomorrow will be different. I guess this is a life of a bipolar..I am a rapid cycler and I get really lonely ..I am at home alot searching for answers..I would love to hear from you E-Mail me any time I love to chat it helps releave some energy... I will respond if I am feeling ok..ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL TODAY AND EVERY DAY.....PEACE |
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| Greg - g4cards@netscape.net | | Comments - I have found this to be a totally debilitative illness. Anyone who has read much on bipolar has probably heard that it gets progressively worse when untreated. I am a veteran with no access to legitimate health-care. Others experiences aside, the VA hospital has been anything but legitimate health-care for me. That has been my only treatment option. It has involved repeated trips to the E.R. and walk-in clinic, netting me medication and little or no follow up care. I have been battling "diagnosed" depression for over 5 years;one in the military, and four with the VA. To make matters worse, my inability to "pull myself together," has created legal problems for me. I feel paralyzed and am utterly unemployable. Not being able to work, I cannot pay child support. So I am a "criminal." The VA even accused me of trying to use the illness to get out of legal trouble. I was in this position long before I had legal problems. I love my children, but my life is on the line.(I feel) The courts have no sympathy, regardless of your circumstace. To make matters worse, my ex-wife is a registered nurse, who said she does'nt need the money. She is using the system as a weapon against me, I feel , because she does'nt understand.....I AM SICK!!!!
I hate to get on a board that I just found and right all of these negative things, but this is my experience with depression. I find it hard to believe, in the richest country in the world, a person is left to drown. Many people out there probably have it worse than I, but I am on my own. At least in the sense that there is no support for me here. I fear that I am destined to become a statistic, because I will not be jailed or imprisoned for being sick! |
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| mema - memamargo@aol.com | | Comments - I have known what is wrong with me for quite a few years now but still have trouble taking meds. I can convince myself at times that i'm perfectly alright other people want to hold me down. Life has been a real wild ride over the past forty years. I am used to the way I am and have raised three wonderful kids who have a very good grip on my illness. If it weren't for them i couldn't go on. They cannot abide my death trips and I can understand, but there are times when I lose it. |
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| rich - bimind@hotmail.com | | Comments - I have been diagnosed with manic depressive over the past 8 years. Still with many dr's and hospitalizations and med's I still feel lowzy and tired. I feel like an empty shell which has lost all enthusiasm for life itself. I am 44 years old,yet I feel like a cancer patient with no cure waiting to die.To bad there isn't one happy pill out there. |
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| victoria dixon - victoria.dixon@usdoj.gov | | Comments - I have a son who is dealing with this everyday and I really depress. |
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| karma - karma803@aol.com | | Comments - I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 30 years ago and have been on every medicine know to man.Nothing helped. It's a miracle I didn't commit suicide. To be "gone" would have been a relief.After totally giving up hope I went to a nutrionist who promply advised me to give up all caffein and sugar. I practically live on coffee and sugar so the thought of giving it up caused me great anxiety. But I figured"what the hell" I had tried everything else may as well take away the only two that gave me pleasure. I had lost everything else but that. I didn't start feeling better immediately but lo and behold after about six months I started feeling wonderful like I did before all the horrible symptons started. I also had dropped about 30 pounds since at least half of my daily calories used to be from sugar. I'm sure the constant stimulation I was getting from the coffee and sugar was keeping my brain in a constant state of frenzy and exhaustion. I don't feel like the same pitiful person I was 2 yrs ago. My whole personality has changed and I am a new person! Without being on any medication for the first time in 30yrs. I love living without feeling like I'm walking around wearing glasses with vaseline on the lenses! I've never been on a bulletin board but if this advise helps just one person it will have been worth it. Please try it--what do you have to lose except possibly your illness? It's a small price to pay for what could be the best thing you've ever done for yourself. Good luck! |
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| Jessica - tarheelchik@aol.com | | Comments - I was diagnosed 2 years ago with bipolar disorder. My aunt and cousin have it and I grew up watching my aunt go in and out of the mental ward because of repeated attempts of suicide. When I was told that I had the same thing she did I automatically thought that I would be exactly like my aunt and that my life was ruined. But it hasn't been. I don't like to take my medicene but I know that if I don't I will be a person that I don't want to be. I am thankful that the doctors know what bipolar is because when my great grandmother had it there weren't any treatments. I have had my share of bad times and the road hasn't been easy I was so depressed last year that I had to drop out of school and now Im finishing at the community college but I haven't quit. I have been looking for people my age who have this illness that can understand what it feels like to go from one extreme to another. I'm happy to share my experiences with people who ask me about them and willing to help where I can. |
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| JANANE HEFFERNAN - JANAE915@HOTMAIL.COM | | Comments - Ifeel hopeful knowing i am not alone and my psyh
who help for me it was heard to find out what was wrong no one every dianosed me write so i lived waith this for years with anger and being out of control never understanding my moods if i would be happy or sad or feel both and knowing i have bipolar11 the meds have been somewhat helpful its been a road of hell with also beeing a recovering
alcoholic not a lot of people understand nor did for a long time but slowly iam getting on track
my illness is not as bad as most thank god |
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| Teena - Teena998@cs.com | | Comments - My friends always said I was manic depressive but the term was used loosely. Looking back I can see that I was and am. I just found out that my doctor diagnosed it without telling me. He told my counselor and she told me. This somehow makes it Official. I also have anxiety disorder, social phobia, OCD, and post traumatic stress syndrome (due to a previously abusive environment). I don't have much of a support system. My father died when I was 17 and I have no contact with my mother because it was her lousy husband that abused me. I have 2 sisters and they are real close to each other but not me. We get along fine but we just don't 'click'. I'm different, I always was.
My husband is wonderful but since he works 14 hour days, 6 days a week, I try to put on a smile even if I don't feel it. When it's real bad, he will make dinner even though he worked all day. I have been blessed with a few very best friends but one is always busy and the other is two states away. A third is long distance and has so many problems of her own that I don't want to bother her. All of my friends have lived with abuse and depression, that is why they are strong enough to deal with me. I just wish they all lived closer.
There was lots more I wanted to say but I can't write anymore. My mind is going blank.
If anyone wants to e-mail, let me know. I really wish I had someone to talk to that understood all this.
Teena |
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| Lori - djs202@psu.edu | | Comments - I have a 17 year old daughter that is bp. The past five years have been a roller coaster ride for our family. School teachers, counselors and principals have not given us the support nor the resources that are needed. She was thrown out of 4 schools. She refuses to take the meds. She has overdosed twice on prescription drugs. We can't find a treatment facility to take her because there aren't enough beds! Our insurance has limits as to what treatment she can receive and how many visits . If anyone knows an expert doctor in the Central PA area that might be of help to our daughter, please email me at djs202@psu.edu I had to quit my job in order take care of her. I'm not a therapist but I am trying to learn everything I can about bp. Family and friends have given up on us. We've heard it all. They say that we didn't punish her enough. School teachers, principals, and counselors said the same thing. However, she was punished for every bad choice she made. Whether it was at home or school! When we realized that punishing her was not helping, we knew something was seriously wrong. When she took her first drug overdose and we noticed that she injuring herself by cutting her arms with razor blades, we begged the school officials to help. It took hiring a lawyer to get her into a special program. However, the people working with her are not helping her learn behavior management skills. No one even discusses her bp with her. I have given her books to read on bp and I talk to her about ways to cope with bp. One thing that works for my daughter is a structured environment. She needs a certain amount of sleep. If she stays on a schedule, she does better and has less episodes or outbursts. I am always the one she blames and she treats me like I am her worst enemy. However, I am the only one that is ever there for her. I feel like giving up at times. If I could find a doctor who is dedicated & in treating bp patient, I'm sure she would benefit. The doctors & therapists she has seen in the past 5 years have not been of any help. The only thing that helped was my taking a 20 week parenting class. I learned to keep the punishment to a 24 hour period. During the first 10 weeks, I attended a class for three hours, one night each week. The second 10 weeks, a lady came to our home. She was able to see first hand the kind of stuff we were dealing with; fits of rage, cursing, and damaging walls. For the first time in 5 years, it was a relief to have someone actually witness what we were going through inside our home. When she would tell the school officials and her therapist that it was all my faul |
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