How I Feel
When I Am Depressed

It becomes harder-and-harder to understand the task at hand and what I should be doing next. My attention doesn't wander; I just can't figure out what is going on. It's as if my intelligence level starts falling.

I forget things. Tasks may be left undone or forgotten before you take even five footsteps.

I tend to wander around in a daze. Everything feels as if it were a bit distant and it is difficult to make decisions on what to do next.

Decisions, from complex issues at work, to simple things like whether to go to the supermarket this evening, become harder to make. I tend to put off making any decisions at all.

I start to delay doing things. Work starts piling up in my out tray. Dishes start piling up in my sink.

I get nervous dealing with people. I feel as if they are going to accuse me of some little thing I did wrong, or shout at me. I feel as if I ask for help or a favour I will be turned down or laughed at.

Naturally, communications start to fail. I stop calling my friends, or returning phone calls.

I stop going to the gym or swimming. I stop going out with friends or attending any social functions.

The onset period of depression for me is very sharp. All of this may happen in a day or two. I can fight it for awhile, but when everything becomes a burden to do, I can only fight for so long.

My depression episode itself usually starts on an afternoon when I return from work into the safety of my house. I let go of my fighting, because I can't keep it up any longer, and I let the depression take over. It's a battle lost. It's a battle I always lose.

I can't call for help because by the time the depression is strong enough for me to be aware of it, my ability to communicate has already failed.

While I am depressed, I show the following depression symptoms:

I stay in my house. I don't want to go outside for any reason. I only go out when I need food.

I tend to crave sugar. I can eat an entire box of chocolate cookies in half-hour. And then be disgusted with myself. And nauseated because I don't particularly like sugar.

I spend a lot of time trying not to think. I read the same magazines over and over again, and I read a lot of trashy sci-fi novels. Good science fiction, good literature and text books are usually beyond my ability to understand properly.

I can't study or do anything productive that requires concentrated thought while depressed.

I watch television six to ten hours a day if I get the chance. Or more. I can easily watch television from 5 pm to 4 am without even getting up for dinner.

My sleep patterns become odd. I stay up until two or three in the morning, reading.

I spend sixteen or more hours a day sleeping. I would often sleep hoping I would not wake up, or that the world would disappear before I woke up.

Everything in my house piles up to do. Clothes to be cleaned, dishes unwashed, garbage to be taken out, books strewn everywhere, bed unmade, clothes in the living room. You name it, it's not done.

I don't have the desire to do anything. Even more than that, the issue never really makes it into my consciousness. I would see a set of books to put away, but there would be no true connection between the mess and the need to clean it up. I might understand it abstractly, but not in any concrete terms of desire or need.

The inability to do things is not just for housework. It includes studies, work, social activities, basic personal maintenance.

My entire world comes crashing down around me as I stop being able to do anything.

I become terrified to talk to or hear from people. There is no reason for this at all. I always feel that people are going to yell at me.

I don't answer my telephone, I don't listen to the answering machine. Sometimes I don't even open my e-mail because I have this unreasoning fear.

When the fear becomes high enough, even my house is no longer a safe haven. I become scared that my family or friends might come looking for me. So I disappear.

I get in my car and go driving. I can drive for hours. Or go to the beach, or anywhere the people don't know me and won't talk with me. I stay out until very late, often going to a late movie so I have somewhere to be.

I return at midnight or later so I won't have to see anyone. I sneak up to my apartment to see if anyone is there. If anyone is there, I don't go inside. I get back in my car and go driving.

When I disappear, I don't relax. The purpose is escape and all I want to do is to put my body somewhere reasonably safe and comfortable so I can shut my mind down to escape the terror.

I usually spend days like this with an almost completely blank mind. Just enough of me is alive to make sure I eat and sleep to be cunning enough so that the average person doesn't suspect what is going on.

Because my mind is so blank, I usually have a hard time remembering what went on. but I can remember if I put a bit of effort into it.

Eventually, I come out the depression. Some aspect of normal thought returns and I start settling back into a normal pattern. Since I cycle rapidly, I would go straight from being depressed into being hypomanic in a day or so and the hypomania would provide me the energy to pick up the pieces and to face people without being too ashamed.