Bipolar Community Wall

Anthony Dinunzio - Anthony_Dinunzio@msn.com - 23

Comments - Those who truly believe they can get better, Already have!!!

SHERRY ELLIOTT - sherryberry4271@yahoo.com - 45

Comments - To see the light at the end of the tunnel is to conquer the darkness we have been submerged in for so long! Only we know what it is like, not the others.

Dan Banks - vette@texoma.net - 38

Comments - The world expects me to smile... so I smile. What the world is blissfully unaware of is the fact that inside my head there is an all out war. suicidal as well as homicidal ideations. I am finding this place to be of some help because, at last, I can see that omeone DOES know what I'm going through. This whole illness somehow is a little easier to deal with when shared. Thank you!

Kirsten - sorenson@augsburg.edu - 22

Comments - today was the first time I visited the wall. I almost started crying because I saw myself in the emails, and how it wasn't always bequtiful or a gift. how I am ill. my friend's husband told me the other night that he missed the "old me" (the manic me) I think he liked me without boundaries. when I am "healthy" I look back at things I did and I am so ashamed. and I don't know how he could saty something so stupid. I am starting back on wellbutrin, the medicine I was on when I first went manic. I am on a mood stabalizer now. Trileptal. I am weening of Depakote because I gained 35 lbs on it. I am afraid of becoming manic again. and I used to call it a gift. I'm afriad I will start thinking it is a gift again, but by that time I will be too sick to ask for help. and then I will ahve to go though hell all over again.

Kirsten - sorenson@augsburg.edu - 22

Comments - to liz glad you posted :) Kirsten

Sherry Elliott - sherrybery4271@yahoo.com - 45

Comments - I have conquered this evil disease twice and now I am having a relapse, never thought this would happen again. Looking for a support group in Michigan. Any help will be appreciated. Up & down in downriver MI. Sherry

Phyllis - phyllism@naico.com - 27

Comments - I just found out I have this disorder and I am not very happy but at least more makes sense. I used to beat up my boyfriend, do crystal meth until I would pass out, hurt myself, and worked as a stripper. I went to jail for a year, got pregnant, went to treatment for drugs and I still have episodes but now I guess I am willing to take whatever medication/s needed to stop the disorder from doing anything else. My mom lives with me and she is also bipolar and sometimes I feel like she is proud or happy that I have it. It kind of makes me sick.....

Phyllis - phyllism@naico.com - 27

Comments - I just found out I have this disorder and I am not very happy but at least more makes sense. I used to beat up my boyfriend, do crystal meth until I would pass out, hurt myself, and worked as a stripper. I went to jail for a year, got pregnant, went to treatment for drugs and I still have episodes but now I guess I am willing to take whatever medication/s needed to stop the disorder from doing anything else. My mom lives with me and she is also bipolar and sometimes I feel like she is proud or happy that I have it. It kind of makes me sick.....

Dan - danbanks5@gtcinternet.com - 38

Comments - Megadeth - CD, Countdown to extinction - Song, Sweating Bullets. Hello me...Meet the real me. And my misfits way of life. A dark black past is my most valued possesion. Hindsight is always 20-20. But looking back it's still a bit fuzzy. Nice Story... Tell it to Readers Digest!!! Feeling paranoid, true enemy or false friend? Anxiety's attacking me, and my air is getting thin. I'm ion trouble for the things I haven't got to yet. I'm chomping at the bit, and my palms are getting wet. Sweating Bullets. Hello me... It's me again. You can subdue, but never tame me. It gives me a migrain headache, thinking down to your level. Yea, just keep on thinking it's my fault. And stay an inch or two out of kicking distance. Mankind has got to know his limitations. Feeling claustrophobic like the walls are closing in. Blood stains on my hands, and I don't know where I've been. I'm in trouble for the things I haven't got to yet. I'm sharpening the axe and my palms are getting wet. Sweating Bullets. Well me... It's nice talking to myself. A credit to dementia. Someday you too will feel my pain. And smile it's black toothed grin. If the war inside my head, Won't take a day off, I'll be dead. My icy fingers claw your back, Here I come again. Feeling paranoid, true enemy or false friend? Anxiety's attacking me, and my air is getting thin. I'm ion trouble for the things I haven't got to yet. I'm chomping at the bit, and my palms are getting wet. Sweating Bullets.

Dan - danbanks5@gtcinternet.com - 38

Comments - This is a test.

~zu - scaps@hotmail.com - 40

Comments - Everyday, I struggle with looking into the mirror and not knowing who I am or who Ill be today. I dont even know who I CAN be anymore...........

Joan Harhrave - joanhargrave@shaw.ca - 49

Comments -

Joan Hargrave - joanhargrave@shaw.ca - 49

Comments - I am a 49 year old married female with a Biopolar Disorder that does its own thing. Willing to speak with anybody else out there who is wanting a friend.

Dan - danbanks5@gtcinternet.com - 30

Comments - I threw a rock into a pond. I watched the ripples move along. The circle ever wider grew, wider yet, it filled my view. And so you see from just one rock, It's hard to know where waves will stop. I smiled a smile for all to see, I warmed some hearts, you might agree. And those warm hearts, they passed it on to all they chanced to come upon. Now who's to know, and who's to say how far this smile will go today.

Chris - Covetz@aol.com - 22

Comments - I'm Bipolar. I sit on a Bipolar and depressive Organization Board in Michigan DBSA (formerly MDDA). I was diagnosed 4 months before my 20th birthday. Then spent 3 and 1/2 weeks in the hospital. I was shorthly doing much better once i got out of the hospital. Now I atttend 5 support group meetings, 1 board meeting, and a group leader trainning meeting once a month. I take my medicine every day. The only thing missing is a better relationship with my parents and lack of a female companion. Never lose sight of hope for the Future

Linda - samantha1810@yahoo.com - 45

Comments - I am in the midst of a bi-polarII episode. This episode has been the worst that I have experienced. I once thought that only H*** existed in the afterlife. Is anybody taking Lexapro? I got worse after I switched to the stuff. E-mails welcome.

Linda - samantha1810@yahoo.com - 45

Comments - I am in the midst of a bi-polarII episode. This episode has been the worst that I have experienced. I once thought that only H*** existed in the afterlife. Is anybody taking Lexapro? I got worse after I switched to the stuff. E-mails welcome.

Allie - alliecarl2002@aol.com - 33

Comments - I know that sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel comes with a price. To enjoy life I must do it in bits and pieces. This BP can keep me guessing about what is real and what is fool's gold. I spend my life trying not to disappoint my family or myself. I am never going back to any hospital. Been there, done that 5 times already!

Jon - lock5670@bellsouth.net - 61

Comments - All my life I was diagnosed as schitzophrenic. Last year I changed doctors and he said I ambipolar. I like that better. He put me on Seroquel. At last I am able to go tosleep. And I am stable during the day. I can hold a part time job and do volunteer work in my spare time at a psychiatric rehabilitation center. I found a girlfriend and life is wonderful.

Leala - browneyed1981@wmconnect.com - 21

Comments - Love yourself before you love another.

Star - angelstar20f@aol.com - 20

Comments - Im 20, I was diagnosted bipolar in August.This is new to me,so I realy dont know whats next.I was taking zyprxa but I gained some weight so im pill free right now.I have been depressed on and off all my life but I grow up in a violent home and was sexally abused as a child. It would last awhile then I would be fine. This time Iwas depressed I thought i would be okay but I started thinking I was having premanitions of every thing that was happening, and people were saying really stupid stuff to me like the devil was putting it in my mind and that I need and exorsim.That really freaked me out.(thanks to them now I have a religius phobia). Anyway all my memorys were changed or I thought stuff happened that didnt.I seen things chasing me, when someone said any thing to me I heard something different than what they were saying.By the time I went to get checked every time I said something I heard a voice other than my own. looking to chat with someone with similar problems.

Star - angelstar20f@aol.com - 20

Comments - Talk about rock bottom

Stephen - slemay@mail.com - 46

Comments - Hi all, I wrote this poem when I was manic, right before my life fell apart. It still holds true for me: I lie upon a pillar in the light Absorbing sun and stone The estuary flows both ways The wind plays on my chest and legs It is so hard upon the path Great unease of mind, and pain Then understanding how to heal What hurts and will not go away Avaunt, I ask, begone, I beg Get lost, I growl, and scram says I But magic words are needed Presto chango, hocus pocus, open sesame The writing on the wall is on the page Life is a dream, a play upon a stage Rounded with a sleep, and waking Sorrow anger grief and aching

Cathy - krazy_twisted_bitch@yahoo.com - 32

Comments - I have been diagnosed for 15 years now and having the med fight for the last 7. I take them now because I am a mum to a chronically ill child. But my life would be so much better without them. So here;s to freedom to be one self and let those feeling happen there is a reason for all of it

Jessie - - 15

Comments - You only live once. Take every minute like it's your last minute

Michael Lovelace - Tweek15@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - I am who I am and my message is I will be a productive citizen despite the talk behind my back and I am a survivor

Alicia - leashboldt@yahoo.com - 26

Comments - It has been a pretty crazy battle my whole life and of course with age the battle has become stronger with more waves of emotions flowing through me in all directions. What I have learned after two suicidal depressions, 70 jobs, 3 colleges, well everything in Excess during the highs, and procrastination and pain during the lows is that the path of survival is the path filled with support. What ever that means in each persons life is different, but possible. Recently I almost threw away someone I love dearly and who loves me dearly because of this disease, but I faced it, faced him, and finally embraced what needed to be embraced. I threw out the embarrassment and let go, showed my true colors, and he was still waiting with open arms to love and support me. He has now joined the circle of family and friends who are there for me. I realize everyones situation is different and if there is anyone who reads this and my poem that just needs support and someone to listen and understand, please email me. The answer is not suicide, it is inside our souls waiting for us to listen! Chaos & Addiction (Bi-Polar) I want to scream to get away from you You tell me that you're real You hold me tight and manipulate my mind, heart, and soul you steal Come on little girl: eat me, drink me, obsess about me, have sex with me, until you can no longer feel Yet somehow I know that you are surreal Why can't you let me go? I just want to be free I am helpless and I am hopeless to find the true me No matter how far I run and hide you will sneak into my feelings, thoughts, and dreams saying "you can't take a stand young one, you have no fucking pride!" It is time to just surrender and sell your soul to the Devil It feels good, it tastes good Its ok I'm not so evil! I can't figure it out the constant battle in my mind I feel completely empty there is nothing left inside So I sit here in the middle not knowing how and where to run People, noise, information all around me why can't I just get fucked up not think and have fun Its a crazy psychotic world we live in the media has taken the thrown Assaulting our minds, taking our lives, Is this what we should condone? Our heads are filled with garbage and our hearts are filled with pain Drugs, Aids, Discrimination, & Manic Depression is a stain I want to scream at times is our fighting all in vain? I can't figure it out the constant battle in my mind How erroneous and hilarious this war has got to end Its time to calm the CHAOS and trust in GOD, our one true friend!!

rodney-w - ashmore5@yahoo.com -

Comments - Zyprexa will make you fat and depressed do not use it! I used it for 3 yrs. It is not good for anyone. It has no value for Bi-polar Disorder. Stay Away!

rodney-w - ashmore5@yahoo.com - 39

Comments - I would just suggest you listen to your own body. But don't discount our need for doctors.They are important.Seek spiritualy.God provides all things.Ithink you should use everything in your advantage to live your life. But I do still suffer, I will be honest, I don't have all the answers. Who does? Stay strong. We all have the right to be here. God made no mistake when He made YOU!

rodney-w - ashmore5yahoo.com - 39

Comments - PS. I hate bullshit poetry. Get real people!

Lynda - lynda@wageswebworks.com - 31

Comments - This never ending blackness that is my so called life...I wonder...we live to die...so why wait and go through all this anquish and hell....when the result will be the same? Those are the types of thoughts that I fight with everyday. My entire body is riddled with scars that stick off of my body...people are disgusted by me...I am disgusted by me...The song "don't let me get me" by pink says it all....."doctor doctor won't you please perscribe me something...a day in the life of someone else...cause Im a hazard to myself...don't let me get me...Im my own worst enemy"//I have taken prozac, lithium, depakote, celexa...maybe just for me nothing works....My father died in 2000 my very best friend in the whole world...the minister told me if I kill myself I would never see him again, I would never go to heaven...so he's to thank that I am still here...playing the role of God's personal jester....obviously a down day..most are....when Im manic...I always end up in trouble with the law...which when I come down I have to deal with it and it depresses me...Isnt life grand....For everyone else...keep your head up...we gotta be here for some reason don't we? I had 3 surgeries to have children....none worked...Me and my husband split up for awhile, now I have to deal with his new 2 month old from someone else...plus raise the 2 from his first marriage, that I helped him get custody of...You tell me why?????

jason - raven34453@yahoo.com - 37

Comments - liveing hope day by day

jason - raven34453@yahoo.com - 37

Comments - liveing hope day by day

jason - raven34453@yahoo.com - 37

Comments - liveing hope day by day

belaqua - - 22

Comments - I'm screaming but I cannot be heard crying outloud but cannot speak a word like the dying embers of a flame i too silently fade away into the darkness of my depression.

Mary - wiedemannconst2@aol.com - 37

Comments - I have been dealing with this for the past 6 years. In the past year I have made a mess of mine and my families life. When I get depressed I go on a shopping spree. I am not happy about it. Now we are broke. I am scared ofwht ma happen and I need all f the support I can get.I hope to get some here.

earthtiger - earthtiger82@aol.com - 20

Comments - everyday is the same,i can't stop thinking,its driving me insane,will i ever feel normal,I don't know,i scared so many people away,so please don't go,i love you so much and want you to know,i can't help the way i act ,sometimes more than you'll ever know,just stay with me please and together we'll get through this,and in the end you'll find out it was worth it

Rus - ruswood2002@yahoo.com - 44

Comments - I am here! And I am not ashamed!

tabitha - tiedyetabi@hotmail.com - 14

Comments - Would you slice your wrist To rid yourself of pain Would you cut your leg To keep from going insane Would you smile so no one knew What you felt inside Would you run away from the world And sit in your room and hide Would you cry yourself to sleep Night after lonely night Would you watch yourself bleed Because it's the only thing you can do right Would you draw little figures With a razor on your skin Would you overdose on pills Even though you know it's a sin Would you turn from God Because even he doesn't care Would you try to kill yourself Because life isn't fair Would you write a poem About what you might do And would you show it to someone Who might care about you i'm 14 and i was 13 when they said i was bipolar. kind of hard to deal with. i wrote that poem when i was really depressed. i've done everything in the poem in the last year. hum... weird. i hate being bipolar most of the time but i write better poems when i'm depressed so maybe it's ok sometimes.

Erika - Emf75bliss@aol.com - 27

Comments - I am lost at sea again. I was doing so well. I was on my meds and just living real life. But now that cloud has come over me again. I really thought I was in control again, but my mind seems to be disappearing with thoughts of the future and now I see thoughts of the past and wanting to sleep without wake. I wish I could go somewhere. A place where no one knows me and I can start all over again. But no matter where I go she will follow. "She" meaning my illness. I see her creeping into my mind again.She is taking the boards of windows off and opening the locks of my loneliness. I feel so alone...

Erika - Emf75bliss@aol.com - 27

Comments - I am lost at sea again. I was doing so well. I was on my meds and just living real life. But now that cloud has come over me again. I really thought I was in control again, but my mind seems to be disappearing with thoughts of the future and now I see thoughts of the past and wanting to sleep without wake. I wish I could go somewhere. A place where no one knows me and I can start all over again. But no matter where I go she will follow. "She" meaning my illness. I see her creeping into my mind again.She is taking the boards of windows off and opening the locks of my loneliness. I feel so alone...

Manny Bravo - - 39

Comments - "The fountain of contentment must spring up in the Mind. He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his Life in fruitless efforts and multiply the grief which he purposes to remove." Samuel Johnson (1709-84)

Kirsten - sorenson@augsburg.edu - 22

Comments - Hi. I'm bipolar and I have a friend who is too and is off her meds. I just saw her and realized that I believe she is cycling up into a mania. She takes Tylenol PM to sleep at night, only likes to eat 5 minute meals because it's a "waste of time", is having sex with a guy who may be having sex with someone else, and this is very unlike her values. I want to save her from it, but I can't and it overwhelms me to see her or be be with her. I don't know what to say to her if anything. Or how to be her friend right now.

Chastity - chassyrhodes@hotmail.com - 26

Comments - Hello.My son has adhd.I have been dealing with it since he was diagnosed back in 2001.He is a very intelligent boy but just cant seem to be able to concentrate and has a very short attention span.I would like to tell everyone that he has used the medicine called Concerta and it has made a real big difference in his life.It is suppose to last 12hrs which really helps him when he gets home and needs to do his homework.He has a lot of support from his school teachers and a lot from home.If anyone has anymore info that i might could use to help me better deal with this just please email me

collin - me@yourmoms.com - 256

Comments - it's cool how the closer you get to jumping in front of the train, the crazier the ride if you don't. peace. except for evil doers. they can fucking die.

Chris - Covetz@aol.com - 22

Comments - I'm bipolar. I just got an internship at Rose Hill in Holly Mi. It is a residental working farm for the long term treatment of patients with mental illness's.

melody - ladyarwinlove@yahoo.com - 31

Comments - If I could still time for one moment, it would be when i first felt real love, and the security of knowing i would always be safe. I only felt this in the arms of my aunt.

Brandy Bridge - Fusin1@speakeasy.net - 37

Comments - Love one another, we are all we have in this life, and life is too precious and too short. Wether we are on a spending spree or crying our eyes outor somewhere in the middle a hug or kiss would be nice. Not someone treating us like we have the plague or "we'll snap out of it." Treat us with honesty, respect and most important LOVE!

Shiny Pebble - Batu90909@yahoo.com - 41

Comments - I was doagnosed with Bipolar last September after suffering its effects since I was a teenager. I have been taken medications and they have helped me get back under control but I am not satisfied. I feel that the chaos that sometimes overwhelms me is also the source of every great thing inside me. It is the nature of fire to burn. I am slowly reducing my medication dosages to a minimum and exploring alternatives like martial arts and yoga to try and develop the strengths and skills to befriend the wild thing inside me. Not kill, not tame, embrace...I'll let you know how it goes.

Karen Fifer - kfifecat@aol.com - 32

Comments - The Bible says, "The wise man falls down seven times, and gets up again." Never give up.

David - gree9572@bellsouth.net - 47

Comments - The Doctors said "it" was safe, not to worry, Like a "Magic" wand, when you awake you'll have a new life they said.They were right, ECT DESTROYED MY LIFE!! ECT JUST SAY HELL NO!!!

roger - silverman16249@. - 43

Comments - I was diagnosised with anxiety and depression. Always losing jobs, self medicating with alcohol. I also had a learning disabilty, in short, all the test said ditch digger, mcdonalds worker etc. I chose to try college. I did a year of ed before attending. Against all odds i graduated with honors with a degree in rehabilitation counseling. I still could not keep a job, and was told i need meds many times, but i ignored that until i finally hit the wall. It took a while but things finally came together. Sometimes i think i have components of bipolar to me, because i will soar high, totally competent, striving feeling like superman, wanting the best i can be, but i fall but only breifly, i feel depressed, be very pesssimistic. If i am I am a very rapid cycler. The thing that is funny is I work in mental health at a major institution. I co-direct a drop in center there. I see the pain others experience, the issues with doctors,meds, us against them, and its tough. One thing i have learned though is you must be willing to look at all perspectives in life. keeping the mind open is very hard, changing the way we see things is hard. But we must advocate and fight for ourselves, yes there is a right way and a wrong way. when you feel like screaming and saying just listen you can't, it does not work. But you are not helpless you can make a difference in your treatment by changing your approach to treatment. you can still get your point across without having doors slammed in your face, IS IT HARD????? You can bet it is. But there is hope, I know there doesn't seem like it but you can make. You have to believe in yourself, don't yourself because you have this terible illness, its not your fault. But don't give up on yourself, love yourself through the good and bad times. God only creates beautiful things and you are beautiful!!!!!!!

RebekahUK - Rebekah2001@lycos.co.uk - 28

Comments - I live in the UK and would really like to get in touch with other peeps with Manic Depression or support groups or something cos I feel so alone with this. Anyone in here from UK?

aidan swords - massmutualunfair@aol.com - 44

Comments - I am no longer hiding, I am Bipolar, it's a fact, it is ME

Sarah - disassociative77@aol.com - 16

Comments - Pulled from my family, waiting to die Sitting on the floor, wondering why Looking at me hating with sin Or maybe its my religion The men are yelling, voices blared Looking around, everyones scared A boy asked me, where we are going, because his feet are sore I said we have to go, because of the yellow star we wore They said we were taking a shower as everyone cried but i knew they had lied As it comes to me, with strangers behind the door The room filled with gas, as i hit the floor I saw the hole they were looking through And all along i knew That i would die when i got there And no one would be to spare

mary - mjdehn@msn.com - 38

Comments - I'm wanting to become less isolated and have been going places with "friends". These "friends" all seem to only want the me that is sick in their lives - that's how it has been for so long - now that my healthy side is emerging I find the outings painful as these "friends" are seemingly out to make sure I don't feel "well" and they are quick to point out how "flawed" I am - I am so SICK of them!!!! I need new friends - I am writing this to warn others that when you are gaining strength - be careful not to let others push you back to a sad place - as I am finding that to be the routine - and they say I'm the sick one - true friends are THANKFUL when you are well not intimidated!!!!!!!

Outsidemyself - dolcediosa@yahoo.com - 32

Comments - Melody...THANK YOU for posting with such sweet honesty, warmth and love. Peace...Outsidemyself

Aidan Swords - Aidanasap@aol.com - 44

Comments - Suicide is the final. I tried, I failed, I'm thankful. Aidan Swords Http://http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/bipolar/Site/index.htm

jacqueline simmons - jacqsimmons5@cs.com - 60

Comments - Depressions Embrace You are no stranger to me I know your name I know the pain of your embrace I am like drift wood bouncing around on the high seas massive waves tearing away the bark that protects me The fire of the sun burns my body by day The Ice of the night freezes me How easy submitting to you would be To slowly dissolve into the sea Not knowing why I will not submit Day after day I bear the pain I fear that it will never end Yet I disparately I hold on The slowly I am released from your embrace Yet you still stand before me smiling The massive waves are infrequent Your pain comes and goes There are times when I can drift free of you There is some rest now I have reached the sparking sand of the beach The sun is now a friend healing my wounds You are leaving I watch until you disappear My mind and body will rest for a while But I know you will return You always do You will forever be a part of me Until death do us to part I have some poetry to share but it is not so short how can I do this

spunkydog - spunky.dog3@verizon.net - 36

Comments - Hi, I was just diagnosed with bipolar, and recently started on depakote. I just was wondering how long before I started to notice a change in my moods, I seem to have more depressive episodes, and they are getting worse. I need to have some light at the end of the tunnel, and don't see any right now. Can anyone please give me information or guidance.

Kimber - sbsurge4@aol.com - 19

Comments - When am I going to get out of this heavy cloud of doubt? A bitter shudder of feeling sorrow, maybe it'll be, uh, better tomorrow. My sour heart, a twisted flower, quiver, shiver, shout for self power. Confusing mood swings confusing me, just breath. My mind races while I feel my heart freeze. Violently creeping throughout my mind, haunted by the fearful thoughts I find. Hide ME-the child me;I am not me...I'm nothing more or less than Twisted Misery. At times I am to dead to cry or feel, maybe it's all a dream and isn't real. A simple commotion broken by a heart thats numb. I'm not sure where these evil walls came from. My soul is silent, trapped inside. Hell closing in, suffocates, pieces of me hide. Ruled by the hatred of my pain. Spun in circles, driven insane. Lips sealed revealing a cheerful smile, my worn out joy gets eaten up inside all the while. Fear Me-the dear me;Tears don't try me...I'm useless stuck in a trap of Twisted Misery. Forget myself in spite of fear, my other sides instead are here. A helpless plea to let me be free, alone in my mind I can never be. My crowded brain, a heart destroyed. Splitting, ripping apart, torn thoughts become void. Harsh desire boils inside a muted scream. There's no control, so I continue to steam. Afraid of a spirit that eventually comes out, burning in manic rage, then smothered by depressing doubt. Find ME-the kind me;Mind, don't play me...I'm spinning in a game of Twisted Misery. Simple thoughts inside me are hard to swallow because rush hour traffic is too soon to follow. A speeding mind falters and slams to a stop. Piling up inside, feelings waver then drop. My hopeless cry, a quiet sigh. Trying, Dying, Blind;a sudden change in high. Fading light hiding, darkness bites me as I fall. Hear me calling, yet echoes do no good at all. Stuck in a dark hole within myself, I surrender my soul to my own Hell. Hate ME-the fake me;Fate erase me...TAKE AWAY THIS DISGRACE OF TWISTED MISERY!!!

Craig - Munky@jammonic - 15

Comments - My girlfriend and i hav been going out for a month and she just told me she has maniac depression.she told me and i felt so bad about it so i started looking bi polar up and i felt a same way. I guess i could never understand how she can really feel but im goin trying to support her any way

Colleen - TheOnly1Colleen@AOL.com - 46

Comments - I've been told this is a "dark" poem but it is my intrepretation of bipolar disorder and I think only someone with the illness will really understand it, it is called "The Storm Within" The emptiness it envolpes me, Like the mists coming from the sea, The darkness it is all around, It sneaks inside without a sound. Feeling seperate, apart from it all, Spiraling downward, downward I fall. Feeling lost and so all alone, No pleasure left in the world I've known I'm in a tunnel without any light, Going on thru, no end in sight. The blackness just creeps inside, Constantly ebbing, like the tide. Then out of the darkness a storm begins, But the storm it rages from within. Raging, raging inside like a hurricane, Cant stop the feeling cant stop the pain The strong winds toss me every which way And continue to bombard me night & day And inside me the thunder &lightening rage So ever onward the internal storms wage. Being tossed about by giant tidal waves The sea of my emotion frantically raves The storm increases in it's intensity, Showing no mercy, & showing no pity And then like the everchanging tide, Or the changing world so vast and wide, The winds of change they start to win, The storm subsides, the darkness begins That's it, please feel free to e-mail me with any comments you may have.

Gypsy - gypsie_pom@optusnet.com.au - 50

Comments - If you fall for the 3rd time, find something at ground level to do.

Krissi - queen_anneboleyn@yahoo.com - 19

Comments - "All my possessions for a moments time." - Elizabeth I

Bonnie - breezy1964@hotmail.com - 38

Comments - It's good to go to chat and actually know people who know where your coming from. Informative, and interesting.

Cricket - Chessie@aol.com - 40

Comments - Bipolar is something I have....it is NOT who I am. I am a child of the King, Jesus Christ, and in Him I find my worth. It is He who has created me, and saved me with His death on the cross. He is always with me, and He promised that He would put nothing on me that I can't handle. I am always remembering, "With Him all things are possible." One day when I join my Father in heaven I will be complete and Bioploarless! For now, it's not fun and it's not easy, but with Jesus, I know I wil make it. My fellow Bipolar people, you are going to be ok too, hang in there.

Marie Mckennis - eMckennis@yahoo.com - 50

Comments - In my mines eye I see a world where I am a stranger, I am neither light nor dark-I am afraid that I will not make it back to this realm of truthfulness then the cloud is removed and I see my child -my husband-my joy!

Joyce - jrob1021@aol.com - 51

Comments - Wow! so many of you described the deep dark insanity we go through on a daily base. Only we can understand this emptiness, void, hopelessness we feel inside. It no place we want to invite anyone into, its no place we want to go for it consumes us to the point we are lost with in the deepest darkest whole anyone can imagine. I still can't feel for the void it takes over in our hearts and mind. I live a charade, if only people could see whats going on inside of me, it would scare them. I smile on the outside and cry on the inside. If there ever comes a peace within me, it would proably be by death and death alone. I have lost touch who I am from day to day, which character am I today when I awake. We only know this feeling of dispare and we can only support each other, for others try, yet they have no clue. Life is an empty shell with me as the skeleton and the mask I wear

behispraise - behispraise@aol.com - 39

Comments - I go from not being able to stand the sound of someone walking with out losing it to sleeping 18 hours a day to not sleeping at all for days at a time. Crying all the time to having too much energy until I feel crazy. no one understands. I never really feel normal anymore. Started feeling like this in 1990.

Denise - rosalopez12000@yahoo.com - 29

Comments - Living with Biplor has been a challenge. But it is a every day fight.. Evan thoe you know it not there. Because when you least expect it when you think you are all better, it right back at you harder then it did the first time. So every day you wake up you have to say what is my challenge going to be to day? Would like to talk to other people that have this disorder just to know i am not alone with Disord

Gayle - gayliegirl@comcast.net - 45

Comments - I could write a book on what not to do when you are bipolar. Been there done that. I've ruined a mariage, lost custody of my 3 beautiful children, been duped by men for all the money I had, all the moves I have made in the last 4 years and I can't hold down a job. I am now married again but it is close to being at wits end because he doesn't understand the baggage I've brought with me. The guilt, the anger, the times I speak out on whatever I feel usually making myself look stupid. It's hard to keep friends and none of my family understands. My Aunt thinks I just get wound up about things. This is so frustrating. But I keep trudging along hoping I get back my self worth and respect from my peers. I thought when you were in your 40s you wouldn't feel like a child anymore, I've found out that just isn't true. I am tough and I will survive. Hopefully the new meds I find and the support groups that I have been looking into will help. I hope I'm not the only one that has made so many terrible decisions. The focus factor just doesn't seem to be there! Things should get better!

Chad - threedegreeswarmer@hotmail.com - 21

Comments - Yo!!...I found out that I was bi-polar a couple months ago. I wrote some poetry about it, I am sure you all can relate. the core is cracking the spirit is lost the mind is screaming it can't take the pain I wear these thoughts like a crown time to let go time to give up balance the egos let sanity set in it's the only way to be it's the only way to grow time will heal time will show through this hell I stray looking for a simple way I raise my arm I am begging you please don't look away this road is coming to an end which way do I go I don't know... god please take me away out of this hell show me the light and this time let me stay.

Steve - - 33

Comments - If there ever was a want for desire.. it's us in the down cycle... if there ever was a want for lack of desire, it's us in the up cycle. Sad is when those we are closest to aren't in sync with us.

chad - threedegreeswarmer@hotmail.com - 21

Comments - arrrrgh.....that's 2 poems, the first one ends after "show"

Denise - rosalopez12000@yahoo.com - 29

Comments - Once again i write but does any body care? I alone in this up hill battle, I always for i am looking from a window, of darkness and lonelyness i ask for help but all i get is suck it up or get over it, wasn't 5 suides enough what more do i have to do say, That this demon is killing me from the inside... Would like to talk to other people who has this too, need to know that i am not alone in this battle.

chris - Covetz@aol.com - 23

Comments - Inthe last three weeks I have been to a mental health race, Mental Health Wine Tasteing Fundraiser, a Town Hall mtg. on th Migragation of people with mental illness into the justice system, A Nami confernce, and a mental health forum. I have gone to a coffee house for two support group meetings with peers, and seen two movies with support group members. It's been three fast years since my last episode of mania and here s to many more without out any relapses.

ANDRE - mander3399@aol.com - 40

Comments - I'M fighting the good fight this cycle but I know in 3 months I'll have to battle the depression side after I've had a brief period of mania. My family is strong in helping me with this terrible mental illness. My mind plays nasty little tricks on me every day and Its a constant battle just to want to LIVE...........

Carolyn Gabb - cgabb@mindspring.com - 56

Comments - "Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love." Lao-tzu.

Chris Covetz - covetz@aol.com - 23

Comments - Tomorrow, May 28th I step in to the ring for the first time. One side is David(Supporters of Parity) on the other side is Golith(People against Parity). The Arena is the Capitol of Michigan In Lansing. The time of the bout is 1:00. National Mental Health ASSOCIATION graded Michigan the worst state in the Union. Tomorrow I hope to do my part to change it.

Jessie - eaker@everestkc.net - 20

Comments - "A Fight for a Life" Why do I feel like nobody cares So full of hate and so many tears I fight against this pain inside That's trying so hard to make me hide There is no real answer or reason for cause Sometimes life just feels like the longest pause And to ignore the longing to just let go If I do I truly will never know So, I'm ready to play life out and see All that there is waiting for me And not let it ruin what's in store A beautiful woman that's destined to soar!!!

Jessie - eaker@everestkc.net - 20

Comments - "A Fight for a Life" Why do I feel like nobody cares.. So full of hate and so many tears.. I fight against this pain inside.. That's trying so hard to make me hide.. There is no real answer or reason for cause.. Sometimes life just feels like the longest pause.. And to ignore the longing to just let go.. If I do I truly will never know.. So, I'm ready to play life out and see.. All that there is waiting for me.. And not let it ruin what's in store.. A beautiful woman that's destined to soar!!!....

Carrie Alexander - LadyFreeBird31@aol.com - 31

Comments - Every trial you go through makes you the person you are today or who you will be, so be strong, hang in there, and you will find it was worth it!

Carline - celestialchild32@aol.com - 32

Comments - This is a poem that I wrote..... Minds are busy, thoughts are racing Whizzing by like a bullet in its casing when they hit, they're sure to destruct Like a bicycle being hit by a truck End over end, twisting and turning No matter what your mind keeps on churning Thoughts, Ideas, Joys and Fears Causing stress, depression and tears The day shall come when all thoughts shall cease And thats the day I will finally REST IN PEACE........................... Thats how I feel life with bipolar can be

machelle - www.boochiweiss@aol.com - 33

Comments - episodes I did not choose

Cindy - waselesk@aol.com - 40

Comments - We recently had my nephew diagnosed w/bp, I need to know , do we allow the isolation and hinding periods? or do we force him into normality, is paranoia apart of this illness? if you-all could give us tips on what to do during these episodes, PLEASE

Cindy - waselesk@aol.com - 40

Comments - We recently had my nephew diagnosed w/bp, I need to know , do we allow the isolation and hinding periods? or do we force him into normality, is paranoia apart of this illness? if you-all could give us tips on what to do during these episodes, PLEASE

kareena - kmabug777@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - rollercoaster Of the twisted mind Can take me places off the track, but if I have support, I know I can stop it and make it another day

Dr3am3r - dr3am3rg1rl4y0u@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - I have just recently been technically diagnosed with Biplar. Nothing works for me however. I now know that I'm not "Alone," because I have a handdul of friends who have been by my side through all of this; even when things got crazy that day... If anyone has any advice or whatever, please email me at dr3am3rg1rl4y0u@yahoo.com

Matthew - Bipolargenius84@aol.com - 19

Comments - The Story of My Life I gave it up I gave everything up When I was doing what I was doing I thought I was right Everything was creating The story of my life I sought to entertain others By losing myself That chapter is over Turn the page I took a look in the mirror To see what everyone else is seeing I don’t see anything wrong It’s how I think That directs The story of my life You see my cover And question the contents Open me up and read Analyze in you must The story of my life From the day I was born When I was saved from a broken home To my rebellious stage Those chapters are over Turn the page Don’t go back and reread Go on in this Story of my life Those chapters are over Turn the page Day after day Page after page I write my future There are blank pages to fill No time to waste on what has already been written The past is over Each day a page is written To include in the story of my life.

Nancy - drgn_lvr@yahoo.com - 50

Comments - I am ready to give up. I think I have. I've tried Lithium, Depakote, Paxil, Celexa, all sorts of drugs. They may help for a little while, but I feel muted. No happiness, no sadness, nothing. I don't see a future. I have few real friends. Some abandoned me after learning I was bipolar. My kids are my only reason for being. No hope for a future with real love. As they say, how can you love anyone else if you don't love yourself? I find nothing to love about myself. I have nothing to contribute to this world. I had my kids, my contribution is done. They are lovely girls and deserve a real, stable mom. At least they have their dad, but we are divorced thanks to this illness. I hate this so called life I live. I'm only a drone; get up, work, eat, sleep, continue. Let it end.

sandi - sjl@pioneernet.net - 53

Comments - grandmothere of 7,,raising two of them ages 6 and 7,,i have bi-polar,plus 7 yr,old,,she has adhd,tourettes,and more,her brother had adhd,braindamage and more,,,trying to find all things to help them,,welcome to information

John Owens - jowens1951@yahoo.com - 52

Comments - God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, The courage to accept the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.

Meg - Megzangel4@aol.com - 17

Comments - Hi My name is Meghan and my boyfriend's mom is Bipolar. She has been diagnosed by a doctor but is too stubborn to go back and get medicine. Her children cannot go her to go back. She is a single parent and has raised 3 wonderful children. She has been through a lot in the last few weeks. She has usually been there for her kids and have loved them very much. She is not at all that person anymore. She moved out and left her two kids to fend for themselves to live with her boyfriend. Her children could not make it living without her since one is in high school and the other one works and goes to community college at night so she just moved back in. She recently discovered her youngest son got a tattoo and she has threatened to leave again. She only wants to pay child support and pick up and leave them. Her children have done everything they possibly can to help her but she will not budge. They are extremely heart broken and need their mother back. I cannot watch this women destroy her life and her children's lives. She is completely out of control. I really need some advice on how to get her help. I need to find out on how to go about getting her help if she will not break and see a doctor. Is there a place that can come take her away to get better? who do I call? What do I do? Please email me at Megzangel4@aol.com. There is not much time please help this family.

Sarah Haldeman - freckpup80@yahoo.com - 23

Comments - Life is like a coin, you can spend it any way you want, but you can only spend it once.

Sarah Haldeman - freckpup80@yahoo.com - 23

Comments - Life is like a coin, you can spend it any way you want, but you can only spend it once.

Jen - jenunley@yahoo.com - 24

Comments - Confession: I came off meds 3 days ago bc. I ran out of money (I spent it all on clothes for school and taking people out to eat. HA HA. Truthfully, though, I had more fun,so maybe it was well spent. Problem: Work is getting hard. Getting along with my fellow employees ok (I haven't been called out yet, he he) but the customers are starting to make things difficult. Sometimes things just tumble out, and I think it's funny and TRUE!!! I mean, why can't I tell them what I know? I'm not sleeping well (well=passing out on triliptal), It's not BAD yet; I'm still getting 4-5 hrs of sleep, but I'm irratable, and I THINK my boyfriend is catching on. Yesterday he asked me "Are you feeling OK?" HA HA. GREAT! Part of me wants to ride it out, see what happens...But I'm not like most of you. I gave up on singing. I had a BEAUTIFUL voice, and I quit, because I was afraid of what it does to me. I don't WANT to feel like this. Maybe I bought into the treatment, and want to be "pleasant". OK? I just want to have a normal life, a job, and finish F@#$*&^ school. I'm so close. Sometimes, I have to admit, I'm out of control...out of even MY control. The ride really is fun, sometimes, my family is depending on me to stay on meds and make an effort. I even got off academic probation so I could come back to school, so I can't mess it up. How can I be me and still do all of this? I mean, me, and ME.

andre - mander3339@AOL.COM - 41

Comments - Feeling lost today no one cares really. Lots of BS. Many lies have been told to me . Thinking about checking out Tonight. But I have Jasmine & Kandace to live for everyone else don't have a clue.....This disorder has made me a VICTIM................ Suicide is a option. My closest people have lied to me like you wouldn't imaged. Oh I'll be there for You no matter what and when the 3rd month comes they run for cover. Again I'm alone to battle this SHIT by myself. I'm tired of dealing 2day. Medication doesn't work worth a damn makes me a ZOMBIE half the time...I have a great woman and children in my life but can't shake this SHIT FROM SHOWING UP EVERY 90 DAYS. Should have killed myself along time ago when no one new about my disorder. Everyone knows now and its a fucking JOKE to them....If everyone would treat me as if ther was nothing wrong then and only then would I would be fine. God loves me but my mind makes me hate myself. If only I could see some real purpose for me to live and enjoy my life I will make myself BATTLE these forces that want to claim me as a VICTIM.......... I DON'T WISH THIS DISORDER ON ANYONE ELSE GOD LET ME BE THE LAST ONE TO SUFFER WITH..... ANDRE

- xnavygrrl@yahoo.com - 28

Comments - I am Missy. 28 years old. Survivor of sexual abuse, extreme physical abuse, brainwashing. Survivor of rape and attack, the man killed my mom, then stabbed me, a seven year old, 27 times. He slit my four year old sister's throat. I watched my mom die. Then I was adopted by my aunt, but she died five years later. Her evil husband beat me and my sister down into the ground. We ran away and became the kids no one wanted. We were nothing. In spite of it, have done well, served my country for 5 years, have a good job, but barely holding it together. Have a six year old daughter, yet always feel out of it, sad, depressed, highly anxious, I'm in a tunnel. Recently diagnosed as bipolar.

Kevin Le Forge - Sndcastle7@earthlink.net - 20

Comments - I was diagnosed bipolar after my second suicide attempt. since I have tried 2 more times, but it has been a few months now and I think things are getting better. This has been very hard on my family, and I have lost many friends. Especially when I started cutting myself. it has been 2 months since I have cut and I really think that I am doing better. one of my major problems is that I become too attached to friends. I often scare them. I also fear that I enter into relationships for the wrong reasons.

Heather - Heatherconner7@hotmail.com - 24

Comments - My boyfriend is bipolar and ADD. He has hit a slump. I want to help him and am afraid that hospitalization will only make things worse. How do I get him to help himself without causing more pain for both of us.

jekel - bkf64@msn.com - 39

Comments - peace to everyone

Jack R - J_Reeves_98@yahoo.com - 25

Comments - In my own mind's eye.. Mania is like rave music playing constantly.. I would guess it similar to the sensations that are experienced when on Ecstacy.. The darkside though, I would compare to a song by the Doors.. who can forget "The End, my only friend.. The End".. Oh God, not the clouds again.. stay in the sun.. gotta stay in the sun.. please.. the clouds hurt.. make them stop.. Mom? I want to go home..

Patty - patriceedgel@hotmail.com - 42

Comments - I also am bi-polar. It is a hard desease to deal with. I have learned some things that are helpful. Give more, expect less. I take a natural thing called Super Primrose. It has helped imensly. You must take it consistently for 30 days or more & you will know the day it kicks in. Focus hard on the positive. Energy is magnetic, positive or negative. So work hard on the positive. I go to a great church where I have found help through the power of Jesus Christ. I find fasting a great relief. But it takes time, I've been working consistently for all my life & now life is brighter. I watched a great movie...a beautiful mind. a great quote helped me immensly...like a diet of the mind, I choose not to indulge in certain thoughts. All I can say is look to whatever small light there is, focus on it. Don't expect too much too soon. Recognize & be grateful for each baby step Eat right & exercise. Anything worth while takes awhile. If theres a will theres a way. Don't get caught up in self pity...it's the path to darkness. Study hope & selflessness it's a sure light.

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Comments -

Denise Fletcher - - 43

Comments - I had my first manic episode at age 21, over 20 years ago and I'm still here...so never give up...we can survive this awful disease. I'd like to recommend a book that helped me, it's called, "Surviving Manic-Depression" by Dr. E. Fuller Torrey. I recommend it to anyone who is fighting to survive this illness.

Toni - tmwalker@yahoo.com - 37

Comments - I need help!!!! My 19 year old daughter was diagnosed with bipolar in June of this year. She had just got married in one of her manic episodes and they were out of town and she got into a fight with him and took their car and drove away. While she was driving she thought a truck was driving towards her so she drove off the road and hit a tree, she almost killed herself. Well 5 months of marriage, medication, hospitals, hopes and fears.... Well now she is pregnant. I'm so scared for her. Here is the medication that she is on: Depakote, lithiam, zyprexa, lexapro. Is there anyone else out there who has dealt with a pregnacy and all this medication. Please feel free to email me, I need to know how to help her.

terri - joonie@brucetel.net - 42

Comments - The madness comes. The madness goes away but not forever.

Joyce - jrob1021@aol.com - 52

Comments - Haven't been here for a while, wished I thought of this the last few weeks, just came back for the dark side of the trip. I am an ultra rapid cycler. and I am sooo tired this, it consumes me and throws me for loope. I feel so alone in this until I go to a site like this, then I know I am not.

Chris Covetz - covetz@aol.com - 23

Comments - I experienced my third manic episode. It's probably been a year since the last time I left a message. When my doctor was finally able to get me out my euphoric high. I felt better than the 1st time I was released from the hospital. Since I was taking my Lithobid generic of course. I did not go into a depression. I also had no paranoa or need to verbilized my racing thoughts. The Depression Bipolar Support Alliance board I was on has suspended me. I think it is for the best, though. Now I am working getting letters out members of my states legislature in regards to parity in the insurance field. These are other mental health sites I tend to visit: 1 www.dbsalliance.org 2 www.nami.org 3 www.rosehillcenter.com 4 www.hcpfmd.org 5 www.narsad.org 6 www.nmha.org Hopefully someone else can use this information

sandi - sjl@pioneernet.net - 53

Comments - grandma of 6,,,raising 3 and two have adhd with tourettes and bipolar,,,plus more,,,wanting to find out more info

Bonnie Barlow - bonnie_barlow@msn.com - 29

Comments - I'm finally reaching out for help. I've been in counseling/taking meds on and off since I was 12. I spent five years in denial (17-22) and then got back on the medicinal rollercoaster. I was REdiagnosed in 2002, and I've been on Risperdal, Depakote, Celexa and Lamictal at the same time or interchangeably since that time. I believed for a long while that I was tough enough and that with the meds I'd "kicked" it. But hindsight is a funny thing, and I look back over the last year and a half and see the swings (maybe not so pronounced, but still very real) and realize that I am ill. I've been really angry about it lately. I feel like God's private joke. I've been deeply spiritual all of my life, but I'm beginning to wonder what the hell the powers that be are up to messing with so many good people's lives this way. I'm angry because I want to do what's right and be a good person and the impulses are so strong sometimes that I simply have no choice in the matter. I have three beautiful kids. I worry that they're carrying this wicked gene. I glory in their creativity and thrall with life, but I am so scared that it will carry them away the way it does me. I was so glad to find this site tonight. It's sadistic of me, but there was a huge relief in seeing so many names on the wall. I cried. Because I know I'm not alone, and because even though there are very few people in my immediate vicinity of the planet who have even an inkling of this monster there are others out there who know exactly what this is all about. And I'm certain that there's no need to make excuses here, or to try and cover up how bad it gets. I don't have to go into great length or detail to try and explain exactly what my malady is. You already know. And I suppose in my anger and doubt this is God's way of giving me comfort. For that I am grateful.

Bree - kitykat_1980@yahoo.com - 23

Comments - I have learned that I am not a disorder or sick, but that I am a person as real as everyone else. I will never give up on my dreams again.

Kevin - kevinnatural@aol.com - 46

Comments - The way to good overall health including mental health is by consuming 1/2 your body weight in ozs. of water per day with 1/4 tsp. of sea salt per qt. of water you drink. I know this works because it helped me and several people I know. Visit www.watercure2.com and give it honest effort, you have nothing to loose but the black cloud. Water and salt makes the brain work right. Caffein makes you stupid!!! God has provided us with everything on earth that will keep us healthy.

Jay - sugaree@sover.net - 42

Comments - A long darkness, lost to the world, in turn losing my world. Shred of my life, my purpose, the love of my life, I somehow crawl back from the darkness, to the dim light of dawn. Finding myself again yet left to deal with the aftermath. Hardly seems fair to fight the darkness to beat it and still have so much pain. Perhaps hope is around the corner, perhaps the sun will rise past dawn. For now I am forced to be content with the Dawn and to hold the darkness at bay.

HOWARD - DRPDATBIRTH@YAHOO.COM - 30

Comments - ALLWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE "SOMEBODY" AND NOMADER WHAT IT COULD BE WORSE "RIGHT" ?

Betty - eliza_k22@hotmail.com - 51

Comments - Hi, I am married to a beautiful, complex man who is biopolar. During our 2 1/2 yrs of marriage, he has tried to kill me, and himself, held me hostage, held the police off at gunpoint and been hospitalized. He stopped taking any medication, thinking it did nothing for him. He has cut off his entire family, and is down to one friend and me. He seems to become paranoid, aggressive and dangerous about every six months. It's during those times that I have to move out of our home for my safety! Now is one of those times and I'm with my daughter right now. It has been 23 days since I've seen him but we talk every day on the phone and messenger. He is now "coming down" and is getting very depressed. I don't know what to do, my family and his family tell me to leave, give him up but I love him and want to be there for him. At this point I am the only one he talks to. He is ashamed of his illness and his solution is to cut off everyone that knows he has it. Except me. I'd like to hear from anyone who has gone through this. His illness is starting to take it's toll on me and I need to be strong and healthy for myself and my husband.

Brian Henley - energizerhiker@hotmail.com - 28

Comments - Upon locating this "Bipolar Community Wall" website on a random search for help, I decided to contribute another brick in the wall. Here's a short poem of mine called "Graffiti on the Wall." As for my personal saga, I have been struggling with the pulsed energies of bipolar disorder for five years. I am now seeking insights from other survivors who rise above the dark veil of depression and manage their manic energies for maximum creative output and healthy relationships. Graffiti on the Wall Don’t want to fall asleep tonight. Don’t want to see my children full of fright. Don’t want to be a slave for a corporation. Don’t want to live in a dying nation. Don’t want to lay another lousy brick in the wall. Don’t want to miss the vibrant colors in the fall. Don’t want to wake up in the spring. Don’t want to listen for birds that will never sing. Don’t want to see the graffiti on the wall. Don’t want to miss the vibrant colors in the fall.

Terra - babygirl61687@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - My friends and family don't understand my mental state. my mother did but she died just last year on Valentine's day and my depression has been worse ever sence, my mother had bipolar depression and she had anorexia. I miss her so much not just her love but she was the only one that could understand me! only people that have this can understand it. plus i have grieving on top of it. i just had to put to sleep my dog last week too. so i feel everyday is an effort and takes so much energy out of me, i am always down and i feel like i have a everlasting disease that no one else can't understand and they have no idea how much i want to be happy and they can't get its genetic. i am on meds but i feel there becoming amunie like there used to my body and i need something that will work, but i can't expect too much out of medication because i have the death of my mother and my dog and loss of my closest friends. everyone looks at me differently now, like i am a walking zombie thats always in a pool of darkness, i have a huge disire to sleep and i saw to my loved ones that i just want to sleep and never wake up! wish you guys well out there, e-mail me if you want. would like it.

Pam - bagey0895@hotmail.com - 43

Comments - What do you all do for a living? I am in a position where I may need to change careers and since I've done the same thing throughout my diagnosis till now, I'm scared to death! Is there a "perfect" job type for us?

lisa - ljwiswel@syr.edu - 19

Comments - Living at college and dealing with being manic is a challenge. I have a group of friends that are very supportive, but the guilt I feel for what they have to deal with because of this is at times overwhelming. On top of the depression, the anxiety because of mounds of school work often cause me to break out into hives so badly that it's difficult to breathe. I've lived with this for quite some time, but now that I'm finishing up my second year of college, I feel it is worse than ever and feel as though I'm drowning more and more each day. If there are any other college kids out there that are struggling too, send me some advice. I'm trying to find some light to this darkness.

Lisa Marie - Bluee4u2@yahoo.com - 42

Comments - SUFFERER

Bobbie Wade - Thisisme_bobbie@yahoo.com - 25

Comments - I was diagnosed 3 times before I was willing to accept it, and was willing to be treated for it. Now that I'm stable I'm aware of the devistation this disease has had on my life, and really wish I'd done something sooner. I need to rebuild, but I'm terrified this monster will sneak back in, and destroy it all again.

Deb - dw@sfcnetwork.com - 30

Comments - My mind is my only prison. When I break the chains in my mind, I will be free.

Maggie Hutcheson - Tinkerbellmagpie@ayhoo.com - 20

Comments - i want to say that i know what its like to have to fight bipolar everyday, i think that everyone who can fight it evryday and deal with it will all ways have a special place in my heart and prayers.

Elizabeth - byrdie50252000@yahoo.com - 33

Comments - I don't have to be what you expect of me. I have the right to choose and a voice. I am beautiful on the outside and wonderful on the inside on good days. My life is full. I am a good mother, with a bad exhusband. I am sad for my children. He couldn't see me through a disease. They do. Help him help them I say to God. Make me better and let it all get back where we started. Bring my children home, their mother loves them. Their mother loves them.

Roomin - roomin8@hotmail.com - 37

Comments - Im tired

ELPJ - Elpjohnson04@aol.com - 36 going on 150

Comments - I was diagnosed with bipolar in November of 2002 after a hysterectomy that destroyed my life....since then, my ability to see beauty in the world has diminished. I am beautiful, so people say, but I don't feel it. I used to be so high functioning, so driven, so motivated....now, I cannot work, I isolate myself, and I feel like I'm falling into a pit of self-destruction. So sad, for someone like me who pretends to be happy just being a stay at home mom....little do people know why I really stay at home in my bipolar prison. Everyday I wake up and pray that I can get out of bed, do something productive, feel alive....but day after day, my disease takes a huge toll on my life. I struggle, I pray, and I TRY to never give up hope. Hope is what keeps me going. Keep hope alive!

Luana - AMom4Life@aol.com - 39

Comments - My darling daughter. I love you like no other yet I find myself really struggling to deal with this "diagnosis" and the upward and downward spiral you are taking me on. I really want to help, but, more importantly, I need to understand what it is you have. I wish you knew how much I want to take this burden from you and how very much I feel guilty for not knowing how to help. Seems nothing I do or say is right and all my love can not ease your pain and struggles... Someone, please help me understand!

Manny - - 40

Comments - ....here i am now...with all my diagnosis'...all my emotions...all my feelings...all my thoughts...all my fears...all my fears...and whatever else i decide or choose to be...and it (LIFE) is absolutely perfect..."there's more to the picture than meets the eye"...that can be said of each and everyone of us...stop focusing on the "negative"...we all have that inner-strength to nurture our Selfs...4/18/04

Chris - Covetz@aol.com - 24

Comments - I was diagnosed 4 years ago. I have been lucky that I found the right doctors and the right medication regimen. I am now embarking a new and improved voyage of empowerment. I have been a board member for a depression bipolar support group for almost three years and I finally ready to step out on my own and start my own support group. My target audience to start will be college kids. This weekend I will partisipate in Michigan's first NAMI walk to raise money for the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. I have overcome my fear of public speaking and have spoken at my state's mental health commission and also at our parity hearings. Achieving parity would allow for equal treatment with that of other diseases. No more arbitrary limits on doctor visits, no more higher co-pays, the lessening of stigma and discrimination. More of the people that visit this site need to do more for advocating for themselves and everyone else in the mental healthfield. What will it take, more family members ending their lives early because they can no longer endure what this disease is putting them through. Thanks Healthy place for giving me this forum to speak my mind I am always willing to listen to others. "The day you become silent about what matters most to you is the day you die-Martin Luther King Jr."

Jen - Tajirian@aol.com - 29

Comments - I am a single mother of two young children. I was diagnosed with bipolar about two years ago. I am currently in couseling that's supposed to change my life, but doesn't seem to help. I'll a full-time college student. I have no support system-family feels that everyone can overcome depression. I would just like someone to chat with me that's in the same boat-that UNDERSTANDS. You can email me or IM me just list your emails bipolar so I can responds.

Dave Warren - lamp@post.com - 50

Comments - We need a "Magic Mountain" w/ many rock facets, and trees or grassy slopes to leave our messages in. A wall is nice to scale, keep things in, keep things out... but a monolith w/ too few dimensions. Bipolar has so many lights... so many shadows... It takes a mountain w/a high meadow lake or a primevil wood to both reflect, absorb its quixotic nuance. My message,a cryptic semaphor hidden in these words is on the "Magic Mountain" somewhere

Ron Price - pricerc@intas.net.au - 60

Comments - Not everything that a man knoweth can be disclosed; not everything that can be disclosed is timely and not every timely utterance is suited to the ears of the hearer.-Baha'u'llah.

Ron Price - pricerc@intas.net.au - 60

Comments - Not everything that a man knoweth can be disclosed; not everything that can be disclosed is timely and not every timely utterance is suited to the ears of the hearer.-Baha'u'llah.

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Comments - Not everything that a man knoweth can be disclosed; not everything that can be dislcosed is timely and not every timely utterance is suited to the ears of the hearer.-Baha'u'llah

Lisa Jenne - csupanda@aol.com - 19

Comments - "Take care of the pennies and the dollars take care of themselves" - Ben Franklin

Crissi - crissi1976@yahoo.com - 27

Comments - I just found out last year that I'm bipolar. Since then, I've been on 6 different medications. None have helped me. I don't know what to do. I want this other person out of my head. I want to be able to lie down at night and go to sleep without thoughts racing through my mind for hours. I want to be able to get up off the couch and do something, anything with my life. I don't want to quit. I don't want to give in to this. I want to be a success story. I just don't know how. I need to know how.

Destiny - mysweetjag@wmconnect.com - 30

Comments - I will never give up! Everyday I will climb the hill to freedom! Someday I will make it to the top.

Jennifer - silverecho24@hotmail.com - 24

Comments - Torn apart by yesterday,struggling with today. However slowly,with one small step at a time, I WILL make it.

Rick - rjvcrash@hotmail.com - 27

Comments - My mind never stops. I have so much energy. That is fun part of Bipolar if there is such a side. I can't be alone in my apartment my mind gets the best of me. I am sick of hospitals. I am taking meds now. I will prove to the world that I am going to be ok. This will bend me but it will not break me. Please e-mail just to talk.

Chrissanne - mzchatty1@yahoo.com - 26

Comments - Has anyone read the novel "PROZAC: To Stay in LOVE" by DJ Hernandez? WOW!! It's based on a true story and I know someone who fits every character in there. It's a tear-jerker though. lol

Tammy (Tam) - tammyhamilton_@yahoo.com - 38

Comments - I am 38 years old. I have been diagnosed with bipolar for 1 year and it is a struggle. I am just starting to understand exactly what it is and what it does to me, I am now compliant with my meds and I am becoming a little more stable although I cycle rapidly. I do know that we can still live meaningful lives with this disorder.

Duncan - Duncan@deudraeth.net - 43

Comments - I'm not myself today - maybe I'm you!

ChrisW - Pacy48@aol.com - 48

Comments - I put my hand in yours because I cannot do it alone.

ChrisW - Pacy48@aol.com - 48

Comments - I put my hand in yours because I cannot do it alone.

mike - michafergus@aol.com - 32

Comments - My fiance has a severe case of bipolar and mania. how do you keep from going nuts trying to deal with it, along with your other responsibilities. searching for answers

Chelle - an -

Comments -

Chelle - anthony.gell@ntlworld.com - 32

Comments - My mind can analyse many a thing yet it doesn't trust anything I know. Why do I question everything and when I'm low I question nothing?

Chelle - anthony.gell@ntlworld.com - 32

Comments - I've learnt that it is my responsibility to take care for myself and if for some reason I can't I now always ask for help. That's all we need a bit of help and understanding. We see parts of the human emotions most people could not even imagine. We see all the colours of the rainbow including the invisible ones! We have vision and absolute emotional analysis whereby our standards rule! Be nice to yourself, try not to self-abuse (I'm trying that one). We Bipolar see extremes but even extremes have extremes - so do anything not to go there. Success is subjective and I believe as long as you and I are alive than we are extremely successful.

Catherine - ladybugg505@aol.com - 27

Comments - I am in my low cycle right now, and would greatly appreciate some advice,comments,or "wise words" from any of you. Feel free to email me! Thanx

Melissa - assilemnothgink@hotmail.com - 25

Comments - I am on risperadol for bipolar disorder. It is causing me to gain weight like you wouldn't believe. I don't know what other meds there are that can help take care of how you feel and not cause you to gain weight. My psychiatrist doesn't really have any suggestions. PLEASE HELP if you have any advise or you are on any meds that work well for you.

Marc English - animus_lucidity@hotmail.com - 19

Comments - The Wall Of Life The wall of life is closing in Brick by Brick it falls apart Scattered across this infinite soul I see the path to many fates --------------------------------------- Black then white I see Condemnd to free the sea in me Of freedoms infinite ends to be Black then white all come to me Light of life, my infancy Rise of dreams inside, to be What it is I'm here to see Who I am inside to free To look above and live beyond This worlds ill corupted bonds Founded by lifes past mistakes Past mistakes that give or take Past mistaks that make or fake This lost perception of uncertain fate Must draw the line of life not fate To see true reality's surrounding glory To break from this toxic dream "This toxic dream does create me" And this dream is free... But to what degree? Will the walls of my infancy bend to be? Inside this dream of life not free For if I do not wake from Life's dream How could I free the sea in me? This Worlds dreams are so unpure "They Cannot hold this light I see" This light is how I see the truth beyond the walls And if this light I've seen form above Shines on all that cannot be contained Within the box that surrounds this lost reality How could this box be true reality? It shines everywhere beyond the walls "The walls of time that hold the sum" Of the light that shines, that lets me know The world will be lost a while yet But all the walls of time Can't block the light of infancy That surrounds this dream To free the mind Black then white I see Of freedoms infinite light to be

Marc English - animus_lucidity@hotmail.com - 19

Comments - The Wall Of Life The wall of life is closing in Brick by Brick it falls apart Scattered across this infinite soul I see the path to many fates --------------------------------------- Black then white I see Condemnd to free the sea in me Of freedoms infinite ends to be Black then white all come to me Light of life, my infancy Rise of dreams inside, to be What it is I'm here to see Who I am inside to free To look above and live beyond This worlds ill corupted bonds Founded by lifes past mistakes Past mistakes that give or take Past mistaks that make or fake This lost perception of uncertain fate Must draw the line of life not fate To see true reality's surrounding glory To break from this toxic dream "This toxic dream does create me" And this dream is free... But to what degree? Will the walls of my infancy bend to be? Inside this dream of life not free For if I do not wake from Life's dream How could I free the sea in me? This Worlds dreams are so unpure "They Cannot hold this light I see" This light is how I see the truth beyond the walls And if this light I've seen form above Shines on all that cannot be contained Within the box that surrounds this lost reality How could this box be true reality? It shines everywhere beyond the walls "The walls of time that hold the sum" Of the light that shines, that lets me know The world will be lost a while yet But all the walls of time Can't block the light of infancy That surrounds this dream To free the mind Black then white I see Of freedoms infinite light to be

NINA LA'SHAE - MURRAYD967@AOL.COM - 29

Comments - I can't get out from under. Struck by lightning, scared by thunder.Trying so hard to be free. I just can't stop myself from drowning.

Peter Malleau - pjm60it@hotmail.com - 44

Comments - Life under a dense viel of forboding doom, where is the hope. Try to excell, srtugling to survive unable to esteem the bounty

PaintedFace - dntcrywlf@yahoo.com - 40

Comments - "Poem":"Hazy" Will you please help me ?my life is going down,can you catch me ?before I hit the ground,as I sit patiently stareing at the wall,Is this what I want to be ? do you care at all ? Hazy

Catherine - Ladybugg505@aol.com - 27

Comments - I am still in my low cycle! This is getting hard. In addition to the daily stress, I've been put on a new med. Grrr. Hopefully, this one will work. Thank you to those of you who have emailed me, your advice is gold.

Marc - Quinn5219H@peoplepc.com - 52

Comments - I remember my first symptoms of bipolar appeared before I went to grade school. I just assumed everyone was like me. Oooopsy, not true. Now I am 52 years old and feel like I have been down a rocky road for a long time. I have had two failed marriages due to their infidelity, not mine. Now that I am single again I find that I lack the desire to date 'normal' women and have dated some bipolar women and find it is hard understanding some one like me. lol. Right now I am still stuck at the crossroads. Any 'normal' bipolar women out there that want to chat? Its a complex problem that I would like to talk about.

cathy - c.waltz@insight.com - 31

Comments - i am mother of bipolar child.. she 9yrs old with red hair eyes you could fall love with... i am mother i watch as kids make fun of her and watch as bipolar takes over her. i hear her voice and it so sad but no matter what i do i can not take saddness away i am her mother i sit listen as people tell me how she doing donot know i am her mother..i want to give her everything but how can you when do not know how. noone know the pain you goes through with have kid with bipolar. to sit wait for doc. or thep. to tell you how doing thing wrong but they spent 1 hr to 1/2 hrs with her they do not see what i see.I ask for her get better but it take over her again.I want to take it away for her b/c i her mother but how when stronger then you. it not person or voice it is call bipolar and takes life away they said can get better but we have not seen it yet.. least it has name for yrs we went without name.

carol - carolcflynn@aol.com - 44

Comments - now i know the group i can relate to.till now thought it was only me.

carol - carolcflynn@aol.com - 44

Comments - now i know the group i can relate to.till now thought it was only me.

carol - carolcflynn@aol.com - 44

Comments - i live with an angel,but even they must have a limit.i have lost everything in my life for one reason or another,its been tragic.the last grown up person in the world who really loves and cares for me,yet this unconrolable shocking wicked thing happens and i cant turn back the clock.another nail in not just thee coffin...in my coffin.you just know when enough is enough.almost no one left to lose.

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Comments -

Scott - SCPEARLAND@AOL.COM - 40

Comments - I want to be normal.

Courtney Taylor - - 22

Comments - IM TIRED BUT CANNOT SLEEP IM HUNGRY BUT CANNOT EAT MY EMOTIONS RUN HIGH BUT SPIN FOR A LOW OH SHIT FORGOT TO TAKE MY PILL NAMED LEXAPRO.

shannon revels - shortcakebby@hotmail.com - 22

Comments -

missfit - missclass@hotmail.com - 30+

Comments - Who I love doesnt mean a thing. Love is a pretend empty game, I always lose...

Jackie - LEAAM0R@aol.com - 39

Comments - Why do I keep going? The answer is laying on the couch sleeping behind me.. my 4 yr old boy and 12 yr old girl. But, why must they have to suffer through this horrible rollercoaster ride with me?

Amy Fleck - amylynneflek@msn.com - 28

Comments - Being bipolar feels like your riding in a boat in the waves of the ocean.

Kazuko - juliesmith67@hotmail.com - 23

Comments - Hello, I am a missionary in Japan. My friend Kazuko asked me to find her a Christian pen pal struggling with Depression. Kazuko has been in and out of the hospital for over a year and has recently given her life to Christ. She is hoping that there is someone out there she can slow mail and start a friendship with who also struggles with depression. Her English is great...

Danny Holder - holder@multipro.com - 46

Comments - Anger festers, oozing and spreading its repulsive stench throughout my members. Weeds and vines flourish where flowers were once planted. Life has presented gifts laced with despair. Meaning and purpose fade; answers no longer matter. A crossroad lies before me that was never wished-for. Tears escape me. The wells within me have long since dried up. Be off; take flight you maggots that eat at my bones! Leave me to rot in silence. Can I not even enjoy peace in my passing? Laughter cries from the caverns of my mind. Recurring memories beat steadily a tune forgotten. My tattered skin shivers with each thought that parades before me. Where is the road that has led me to this place? There is no standing here. A foreboding presence calls to my loins, enticing me to follow. My eyes gaze as any hint of emotion leaves my face. Death greets me with cold enticing fingers. She smiles as her hands gently entrap my soul.

candace smith - candipoopers@yahoo.com - 25

Comments - hi everyone. i was diagnosed the other day with being bipolar. it was a huge shock to me. i have always been depressed but able to manage it. however i went crazy one day in august and ended up in the hospital for a week. then i got out and got off my meds and of course relapsed. so here i am back on zoloft and carbatrol for the first time. i no longer can stay with my two kids or husband b/c i cant take care of them. for years i thought i was just a mean bitch but now i realize its because of my disease.. please anybody email me i am scared and alone. i have to live with my parents now because i get thought of hurting my children and i cant bear to be with them.. if anyone is going thru this email me let me know if there is any help if the meds will ever help. thanks

J.D.Knox - withoutanet04@yahoo.com - 53

Comments - "I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it." Maya Angelou

JOHN A. - johntaylor324@hotmail.com - 15

Comments - I am the Joker

JOHN A. - johntaylor324@hotmail.com - 15

Comments - ONE MISTAKE When nothing is left but guilt and shame My life has crumbled like a lost game I fall to my knees and let out a cry pull out my knife and wonder if I want to live or die These drugs have taken my home These drugs have taken my wife These drugs have taken my money and my whole entire life Save me from who I am Save me from myself I will do anything for a single bit of help Throw me a hand as if it were a rope to pull me out of this addiction to dope I’ll take anything you can give to get my life straight for me to live. John Taylor Adcock V

JOHN A. - johntaylor324@hotmail.com - 15

Comments - AS THE YEARS GO BY When I was born you were someone I needed without you my life wouldn’t succeed When I’m a teenager I’m probably going to change you’ll notice I’m different I might be hateful and act a little strange But it’s only that time when I think of things differently and I may have other things at mind You’ll see another change when I enter real adulthood maybe not right then but soon you should You’ll notice I want to be with you more you’ll wonder why and maybe ask but I won’t say what for it will be for the time we missed in the past It will be a time when I think maybe you’re lost my midlife crisis may be you being the cost So live as long as you can so you can see me grow from being a boy into a man. John Taylor Adcock V

sinead - sinead@hotmail.co.uk - 22

Comments - Don't give up, I nearly did three years ago. Now I have beautiful home, a fanatastic man and two dogs. Life is always going to be a struggle for us but its just because we have a diferent perspective on life. A raw and honest perspective but thats why we should be strong. We are gifted and have the benefit of experiencing the intensity of not only the lows but of the highs that no one elde can comprehend. GOOD LUCK>>>>>>>>>>>>

Courtney - CCCatlover12@aol.com - 29

Comments - I just got diagnosed as bipolar2 & bordr]ine. Can someone tell me about the bipolar2 diagnosis?

Pam hardin - pknoxhardin@yahoo.com` - 43

Comments - Living 100 percent in the moment and experiencing all emotions to the highest possible level is addictive. Some times it's more fun not to take my meds., but I remember how deep the pot holes are when I'm sick and how mortified I am by my behavior from the way over the top time. My moods have challenged me for 25 years. Some times they win? Does anyone else feel that way? Today they goet the better of me and it's hard for my new husband to handle my swings. I'm brand new to the community and this is my only support from veterans of the road less travelled. It's Sunday A.M. and I don't see my doc. until Tuesday; need support getting through. Does any one have suggestions? What has worked for you? A fellow traveller

Kim Westby - thewestbys@netzero