A Partner's Dilemma

The Letter

One of the most confusing issues as a partner of a survivor is the conflict of feelings and the feelings of hopelessness, powerlessness, and loneliness I endure.

There's no way I would blame my wife for our situation. She was an innocent child who was sexually abused for 8 years. In addition, she was physically and emotionally abused by her mother. She never knew what love and acceptance was, nor did she learn how to trust or relax and enjoy intimacy. After 26 years of marriage, I still love my wife. I marvel at the struggle she is putting up with to work through the issues.

On the surface, we've had a good family life. The children have college degrees and good jobs. Our oldest child is married (No grandchildren yet!). My wife also works in her chosen profession.

The strange thing is, that outwardly we appear to be the ideal, happy family, but underneath all this is a lot of pain. I've been aware, from very early in our marriage, that something wasn't right. I knew of her abuse before we married, but neither of us considered it could effect the present, as it happened in the past. (such ignorance.) At times, this caused us to be very hard on each other as issues arose in our relationship.

Here's the confusion. While outwardly we looked like the perfect family, our intimate relationship was far from good. Sometimes, I think our outward happy, active, involved lifestyle was a compensation for what was missing. Beginning about 6 years ago, as the children left home in stages, my wife and I began facing the reality of our relationship.

The issue of control and perfection

My problem is, that while I understand what makes her want to keep control of all situations - especially emotional situations - it still is hard to live with. I can self-validate and know it's her issue. However, how do you get close to somebody who is always in control? Can you understand that while I agree that being in control is important, that control also stifles our emotional interactions, not to mention our sex life? The control is more in the form of protecting herself and therefore closing herself off from anything but superficial connections.

In the past, I'd work and get involved in something and just forget about everything. However, as self-awareness has increased, I've found work, exercise, movies, and sport - while still great - far from satisfying when all the activity stops. I want to come to somebody, love that person, and feel that person is responding because she loves me, without loving within very controlled parameters.

I find I have fantasies about another relationship and feel I can't keep going in this structured relationship. My mind just goes around in circles, love - sadness - despair - anger - regret - fear - hopelessness - a little hopeful - love - and so on, around-and-around.

I have such a good work and social relationships. There's fun and joy in these relationships. What stops the fun and joy with my wife?

Is this the best it gets?

Earlier this month, my wife "announced" she's tired of working on the sexual abuse and mother issues and that she's given herself until the end of February (next Monday) and then she's going to forget it all. She says that "where we are at, is where we are at, and maybe this is as good as it gets and we just have to live with it." If that's the case, do I want to spend the next 26 years like the past 26 years? I feel broken and can't continue to put on a positive face and keep going.

It goes without saying, our sex life is empty. There's no spontaneity or freedom, and it tends to be just a physical thing for her. While I want to make love with her, I don't want to look into those empty eyes.

Maybe you can tell me. What is normal in a sexual relationship? Is sex an optional extra to a marriage? Is wanting sex, say once a week, too much? I don't see sex as an obligation within a marriage. While I may physically feel strong sexual desires, I don't want to have sex unless she wants it too.

Most of our married life, she would agree to sex, but very guardedly and controlled. Of all the things I've found myself apologizing for, the most was to request or participate in sex with her. Is it wrong to desire her active involvement in our sex life?

New rules

For the last 3 months, our sex life is completely closed. Now her rule is that when she's ready, she'll let me know. She is allowed to touch me, but I'm not to touch her without her prior approval. Neither am I to tell her what I'm feeling sexually because it makes her want to have nothing to do with sex, even if she instigates it.

I feel like a little boy sitting in a corner of a crowded room hoping that maybe somebody may notice me and hold me, but until then, I'm not supposed to make my presence felt.

Sometimes I wonder if the reason I don't leave is because I am scared that I won't find another relationship. In truth, I don't want to leave, I love her. I would do anything to help her hurt go away. What I need just now is some magical remedy that gives me endless hope, stops me from feeling empty, and gives me the strength and patience to be there for her.

This email is about me. I cannot speak for my wife. And in truth, I really cannot "fully understand" what she is going through. Somehow I have to get some bearings on my position so I can care for myself and also be there for her in an appropriate way. Any suggestions or comments are more than welcomed.

Annie's response

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