Through My Eyes

A Survivor Looks at the Word of God

Psalm 23: The Lord Is My Shepherd

Do you find yourself reading passages of scriptures for years and find that each time it says something new to you? That's how the 23rd Psalm has been for me, but never more meaningful than now as I walk through the stages of recovery from childhood sexual abuse. This was my very first writing and it was in the midst of the most painful year of my recovery when the losses just seemed to keep mounting up.

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want"

He is my Shepherd. Even in my darkest hours, when I feel deserted, alone, and scared, He is my Shepherd. Just knowing He is my Shepherd has brought comfort to me. I feel safe knowing He is there even though so much of the time now I can't seem to get near to him because of my own walls, my own pain. I have a strange, calm assurance that He will keep his eye on me, distanced as I may be, and He will provide all that I need to get me through this long difficult journey.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures"

A mack truck couldn't have done it better. At first, it felt like He had pulled the carpet out from under me and let me fall flat on my face with no one to help pick me back up again. And instead of safe, secure pastures, there was dry, barren land and I was sure I was going to die there.

By nature I'm a doer, and a runner. I run to keep from facing reality, facing pain, facing my own self. But He makes me lie down. He knows I need to take time to rest and heal, to face my dark, ugly past, so I can continue on with my life. Now I can see that the pastures are indeed safe and green and lush, and everything I need for sustenance is here. When the pain gets too heavy to bear, when I feel I can't go on another day, when I've been bombarded with memories and feelings, He makes me lie down again until I'm nourished and strengthened to face another day.

"He leads me beside quiet waters"

How my soul needs those restful quiet waters. I live on the river and I love to look out my window and watch it flow and change. In the fall and spring it is deep, and when the rains fall and the snow in the mountains melts, it is swift and powerful; but in the summer it is shallow and flows gently and peacefully by. Then I like to sit by the river and enjoy its peacefulness.

He leads me beside the quiet waters. When I've been rushing about, when I get bogged down with the cares of this life, when I feel stressed out or used up, He leads me beside quiet waters and lets me rest and drink. When the voices from my past become overwhelming, trying to snuff out truth and life, He leads me beside quiet waters, and there I can hear his truth, and his voice quiets my soul and I can drink of him and be refreshed.

"He restores my soul"

At times, it feels like all my life is ebbing away. I have no strength to go on. I can't clean my house, feed my kids, or pay the bills. Just getting out of bed is a difficult task. I can't go to church or pray because all I have left is tears to give to God.

Never before in my life have I felt so empty and so alone. I don't sense his presence, even though something inside me knows He is still there. He restores my soul. When I can't go on another day, He carries me in his loving arms. When I'm feeling worthless, sad, alone, rejected, empty, and the last glimmer of hope has been crushed, He restores my soul. He always finds a way.

He lets me know He loves me more than I could possibly understand, and that, though He didn't rescue me from my abusers, He was with me then and He is now. He's never left me nor forsaken me. I'm beginning to learn that as I let myself fully see and feel the pain I've kept locked inside me, I can then offer it to him. He takes my wounds, cleans them, applies healing oil to them, and helps me to heal -- and He restores me. Most of the time He uses those He has placed in my life -- my therapist, my friends, my new family -- to bring healing to my life. Sometimes He impresses someone to give me a word or a scripture. Sometimes it's through a hug or words of comfort and encouragement. He has many, many ways. Yes, he restores my soul.

There is another verse in Mark 10:30 that says those who have left mother, father, sister, brother or children for Christ and the gospel will receive a hundred times as much in this life and in the life to come. Years ago I read this scripture and wept, especially when I realized He would make up for that loss even in this life, not knowing that someday I would lose my family because I chose to go the way of truth that He was leading me into. And I'm seeing this verse fulfilled.

I have been so blessed to become a part of a new family and to have their love, support, and guidance. I now have many brothers and sisters, a mom and a dad. They've adopted me, even though I'm a 40-year-old woman. He restores my soul -- He even restored to me a family. What a Shepherd! He cares so much for every part of my life, and goes far beyond what I could have ever imagined.

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