Articles by Annie

When Are You Going to
Get On With Your Life?

page 2

Abuse recovery is recognizing our many losses. Survivors have lost their childhood, their innocence, their sense of value. Many have lost the father or mother relationship so needed by children. If a Survivor chooses to confront an abuser, often, instead of working out the issues involved, admitting the abuse, and getting help, the Survivor is further victimized. What semblance of relationship there once was is gone. All of these things need to be worked through. Survivors often don’t have the skills, or the tools, to know how to work through these issues without help.

In my own therapy, and in the six groups I have been a part of over the last five years, both as participant and facilitator, most of the time is spent learning how to cope with the life we now live in a healthy fashion. It means learning how to take charge of our own lives, changing destructive behavior patterns, learning to set boundaries, recovering from addictions and compulsive behavior, learning how to live with our spouse, children, and friends, learning how to feel and express those feelings in a healthy, safe way instead of stuffing them or having them spill out everywhere, learning how to let go and move forward when our parents are no longer in our life, and learning how to deal with the day-to-day struggles that emotionally healthy people seem to do naturally. It took many years to get messed up inside, and it may take many years to undo all the damage and to heal.

Moving forward

There is hope! And to answer the question, I would have to say we do get on with our life. In fact, those of us in recovery are getting on with our lives everyday. We hang in there. We may look pretty bad for awhile, but so do people going through any other grieving process. The end result is worth it.

As Survivors come to the close of their recovery, they'll be able to let you into their life in a closer, more intimate way. They’ll come to the place where they can let it go because they will have gone through the pain, felt the feelings (including anger and unforgiveness), and finally will be able to come to accepting the events of their past.

With that acceptance will possibly be a sense of “wellness”—the realization that, “I am a better person because of what happened. I am more sensitive to other people’s pain, I can help others, I’m more creative,” etc.

Trust the Survivor in your life to know when it’s time. If done prematurely, a Survivor can still suffer after-effects and symptoms as before. The time will come when there will be no more haunting memories to sort through, no more re-victimization going on. Tools will be ingrained to help them through the difficult times. There will be a good support system in place and an ability to utilize that support. There will be an awareness of distorted thinking and the skills to combat it. The Survivor will be ready to face life boldly and confidently because she or he has faced the ugly demons of the past and won. It will come.

How to help

You can help, too. Give the Survivor time and space. Don’t worry about the different stages you see her or him in. Survivors can get stuck at times or reach a plateau, but I haven’t seen them stay stuck as long as they continue their recovery work and have the needed support. Plateaus can be an important part of the process to give time for reflection or changing focus. Also, you might experience this time as a relief.

It helps to remember that you don’t have to fix the Survivor. That will only frustrate you both if you try. Just be there. Let the Survivor guide you in what is needed. It may be just listening, holding, or encouraging. You can facilitate in the healing process by sharing in the pain and rejoicing in the victories.

Finally, you can use this opportunity to get in touch with your own issues as well. As the Survivor lets you in on the pain, struggles, and the victories, it may bring up things for you. Grow along with your loved one. When the Survivor is no longer in crises, let her or him help you with your struggles. This helps keep balance in the relationship and will also help in the Survivor’s own healing.

Being a part of a Survivors life can be a rewarding opportunity as you watch and participate in the miracle of healing in a life that has been damaged by sexual abuse.

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