When Are You Going to
Get On With Your Life?

I was asked not long ago if we Survivors ever come to the place in our recovery where we can put the abuse behind us and get on with our lives. I've been asked this question in many forms from my abusers, from friends, and from other family members. The questions left me quite defensive because it was implied I was doing something wrong by bringing up the past and dwelling on it. It was also implied that I was getting worse, or was stuck.

However, this time, I felt the question was out of genuine concern, and I realized that people who are not familiar with the recovery process don’t understand it, and we can use this opportunity to educate them.

I would like to answer this question out of my own life experience and from what I’ve gleaned from the experiences of other Survivors who have touched my life. Most people have no idea what goes on behind the closed door of a therapist’s office between a client and therapist or in a support group setting. My hope is that you will have a better understanding of what abuse therapy is all about after reading this article.

More than just the "same old thing"

One misconception some have is that we sit week-after-week in the therapist’s office and talk about our abuse and our abusers. At some point in the process, we usually do talk about incidents of abuse. For some, it can take years to feel safe enough to confide their abuse to someone.

Some of us went into the therapist’s office after having memories return or after realizing the significance of the abuse and disclosed the abuse fairly quickly. For myself, and other Survivors I know, talking about our abuse is very difficult, especially the first time. There's a lot of shame attached to each memory of abuse, and that has to be worked through. With each incident there may be feelings of “I asked for it. It was all my fault.” That may come from a Survivor who sat on her daddy’s lap and was fondled while doing so. He may have even told her she wanted it. These mixed messages lead to profound inner turmoil.

Some may only talk of the incident(s) one time, others may have a need to talk about it a lot until they’ve worked it through—that means they’ve remembered, put the guilt on the abuser and off themselves, and let the trapped anger, fear, and hurt out.

It was easier for me to understand when I realized it was, and still is, a grieving process. A person who became a quadriplegic after being hit by a drunk driver, or lost a loved one, would rarely be condemned for going through the stages of grief. Many people know that the grieving process takes a minimum of a year, usually longer. However, for Survivors and those who love them, many have little patience to allow them that same freedom and time to complete the grieving process.

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