Presented to
United Nations Convention on Child Rights
June 9, 1999,
by Nancy Faulkner, Ph.D
on behalf of
P.A.R.E.N.T.
and
Victims of Parental Child Abduction
© Nancy Faulkner 1999

Page 7

Grief.

Siegelman (1983), an expert on grief, contends that change is upsetting because we are leaving a part of ourselves behind. Any change involves loss of the known and relinquishing of a reality that has contributed to understanding and consistency. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, a well respected authority on grief, suggests that the second most intense life stress, second to death, is divorce or loss of a love relationship. "Love relationship" in this sense applies to all familial and close relationships, e.g., husband-wife, parent-child, siblings, etc.

Not only does an abducted child experience the physical distancing and loss of a parent, the child may also be lead to believe the parent is deceased. Parent abductors are frequently known to invent stories about the abandoned parent to silence the frightened child's questioning. With the death of a parent, generally comes loss of attachment, history, and roots. According to Ross, a sudden, unexpected loss is usually harder to accept than an anticipated loss for which we have had time to prepare, as is the case for a kidnapped child.

Loss and grief experts also agree that the loss of a person on whom we are dependent is difficult to handle, especially if that dependency left us without a life of our own and incompetent to care for ourselves -- like that of an abducted child kidnapped from a parent on whom he or she was dependent. Also, the assistance from personal support systems -- family and friends -- is an important factor in recovering from a loss. Support for such losses are likely to be especially weak when one lives away from family or has few friends, such as the grief-stricken child who was removed from their own support and reality. An abducted child has lost most, if not all support systems.

So, added to the abducted child's long laundry list of challenges, problems, stressors, and confusions, -- is grief. Grief for the absent parent, for a life that no longer exists, for friends and loved ones, and for the certainty and comfort of life as it was.

What has been reported about abducted children?

According to Greif (1999) in his personal lecture notes on "The Impact of Parental Abduction on Children," the following have been experienced by "children on the run," whether they remain within their country of origin or are taken across international borders:

1. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse (the range being from 6% with Finkelhor, to higher with others);
2. Neglect in terms of care, feeding, and psychological nurturing;
3. Specific training in how to be secretive in relation to hiding a sense of self, hiding accomplishments, distrusting authorities, etc.;
4. Being lied to about the searching parent, including being told the searching parent has abandoned the child, doesn't love the child, or the searching parent is dead;
5. Being moved constantly and denied contact for any significant time with any one other than the abductor - this may include being cut-off from contact with siblings, teachers, friends, grandparents, and other relatives;
6. In addition, and on a more complex level, an abducted child is exposed to a dynamic situation where the child may take on an inappropriate, more adult-like role. In one scenario, the child may become the protector or caretaker of the abductor, if the abductor appears in need of emotional reassurance. In another scenario, the child over-identifies with the abductor in an "us against them" mentality where distrust of authority is the norm. One possible result of either dynamic is that the located child remains with the abductor!
7. Confirming the discussions above about the impact of child abduction, Greif adds that according to the literature, upon recovery the child may experience:

A. Concerns about safety and reabduction;
B. Guilt and shame;
C. Confusion about his or her identity if there has been a name change;
D. Loyalty conflicts between the searching parent and the abductor with whom the child may have identified;
E. Specific problems like depression, anxiety, anomie, bedwetting, thumb-sucking; and
F. Psychological regression, withdrawal, PTSD-like symptoms, and extreme fright.

Conclusion

"As adults, many victims of bitter custody battles who had been permanently removed from a target parent, whisked away to a new town and given a new identity, still long to be reunited with the lost parent. The loss cannot be undone. Childhood cannot be recaptured. Gone forever is that sense of history, intimacy, lost input of values and morals, self-awareness through knowing one's beginnings, love, contact with extended family, and much more. Virtually no child possesses the ability to protect him- or herself against such an undignified and total loss" (Clawar & Rivlin, p. 105).

References

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Clawar SS, Rivlin BV: Children held hostage: Dealing with programmed and brainwashed children. ABA Section of Family Law, ISBN No. 0-89707-628-1.

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders - Fourth Edition (DSM-IV). American Psychiatric Association, Washington DC, 1994.

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Greif GL, Hegar, R: When parents kidnap, New York: Free Press, 1993.

Greif GL: The Impact of Parental Abduction on Children. Personal communication and public speaking notes provided by GL Greif, May 27, 1999.

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Huntington DS: The forgotten figures in divorce, in Divorce and Fatherhood: The struggle for parental identity. Edited by Jacobs JW, Washington DC, American Psychiatric Association Press, 1986.

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Jones M, Lund M, Sullivan M: Dealing with parental alienation in high conflict custody cases. Presented at the conference of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, San Antonio, TX, 1996.

Lalli, AN: Arguments For Human Research Subject Protection Without Waivers or Exceptions, Sept 97.

Levy TM, Orlans, M: Attachment, trauma, and healing: Understanding and treating attachment disorder in children and families. Child Welfare League of America, 1999.

Rand DC: The spectrum of the parental alienation syndrome. American Journal of Forensic Psychology, 15-3, 1997.

Stringer K: What is attachment? ToddlerTime, May 99.

Tucker-Ladd, CE: Psychological Self Help. University of Iowa, 1960.

Van Bloem LL: Attachment oriented individual and family therapy. Attachment Home Page, Feb 99.

Wallerstein JS, Blakeslee S: Second chances. New York, Ticknor & Fields, 1989.

Wallerstein JS, Kelly JB: Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. New York, Basic Books, 1980.

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