Black Women Spill Beans On Their Sex Lives

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We do it but we don't like to talk about it. Sex, that is.

African-American women may be stereotyped as Lil' Kims in music videos, but for the most part, black women can be extremely prudish when it comes to discussing sex.

That's why the results of a landmark sex survey of black women appearing in the October 2004 issue of Ebony magazine sure raised a few eyebrows.

For starters, according to the survey of 8,000 women nationwide and abroad, brothers apparently aren't taking care of their business. When asked "How satisfied are you with your sex life?" 26.8 percent of respondents said they were "somewhat satisfied," 13.6 percent said they were "somewhat dissatisfied," and only 15.7 percent of the women said they were completely satisfied.

Even more telling, while "cheating" is usually seen as a primarily male behavior, the Ebony sex survey found that 44.2 percent of the women said they had cheated on their partners, while 41.4 percent said they had not strayed.

The 56-question survey asked about the kind of sex that most black women won't even discuss with their best friends, like what is your preferred position for sex and method of penetration. That black women tend to shy away from openly discussing their sexuality is understandable.

Black women were objectified and sexually abused during slavery and the Jim Crow era. Today, young black women are demeaned as sexual objects in rap lyrics and videos. In real life, black teenage girls are being sexually assaulted by older men, including male relatives, at an alarming rate.

Ebony's survey found that 41.9 percent of black women agreed with the statement: "The stereotypical media portrayal of black women (as loose, unrestrained, bossy) has had a negative impact on our sexual development." And about 37 percent of respondents said they had a history of sexual abuse.

Yet the "ready-at-the-drop-of-a-hat" black woman is largely a myth.

According to the Ebony survey, although 59.7 percent of black women said "masturbation is healthy and normal," 25.3 percent of those women said they never masturbate. When asked: "How often do you experience orgasm?" 22 percent said "very often," 25.2 percent said "often," 26.4 percent said "sometimes," and 18.4 percent said "once in a while."

"This was an issue that we needed to address," said Lynn Norment, Ebony's managing editor. "I have done dozens of relationship stories over the years and I saw the need. There's been sex surveys about women in general, but black women were almost a footnote in those surveys. I thought it was time for us to focus on black women and the issues that we face in our lives."

The survey was conducted online. But some respondents mailed their responses to Ebony. Obviously, an online survey gave respondents a lot of privacy. Still, there are indications that respondents were uncomfortable answering some questions.

For instance, consider the subject of oral sex.

Only 2.7 percent of women surveyed admitted giving oral sex, while 11.6 percent said they were recipients of oral sex, and a whopping 82.1 percent claimed both parties engaged in oral sex. But when asked: "How often do you experience oral sex?", 16.9 percent said very often; 29 percent said "often;" 21.9 percent said seldom; and 24.4 percent of the respondents said "sometimes."

I can't prove this, but 2.7 percent seems an awful small number for givers. What that tiny number says to me is oral sex is still so taboo in the black community, most black women still won't admit to giving oral sex without getting it too.

Most of the respondents live in the South (37.9 percent), are college graduates (52.7 percent) and have never been married (50.2 percent).

"I'm a minister's daughter," said Hope Ashby, the New York City- based sex therapist who helped Ebony formulate the sex survey. "My mother is a Southern belle, and we didn't discuss this stuff. That is why this is quite wonderful. Black women deal with the same issues as white women. We are not having as much sex as we might want, and when we are having sex, we are not being sexually satisfied," she said.

Given the "down low" phenomenon -- that is, black men who have sex with women but do not identify themselves as gay or disclose to their female partners that they also have sex with men -- I was surprised Ebony didn't ask outright about condom use.

Forty-eight percent of respondents said they were very concerned about "brothers on the down low," 16.5 percent said they were "somewhat concerned," and 27.3 percent said they were not concerned.

"What we didn't want to do was alienate people from answering the questions," Ashby said. "Being in your face about it makes people go the other way and not want to talk about it."

Hopefully, Ebony's sex survey will jump-start the real conversation.

SISTERS SPEAK OUT

1. How satisfied are you with your sex life?

Completely satisfied 15.77%

Mostly satisfied 25.42

Somewhat satisfied 26.85

Somewhat dissatisfied 13.62

Mostly dissatisfied 9.09

Completely dissatisfied 9.25

2. How often do you engage in sexual intercourse?

Daily 6.36

Once a week or more 41.64

Once a month 11.69

Two or three times a month 23.31

Once or twice a year 9.05

Not at all 7.95

3. How often would you like to have sex?

Daily 32.01

Once a week or more 58.04

Once a month 1.79

Two or three times a month 6.22

Once or twice a year 0.44

Less than once a year 0.18

Not at all 1.32

4. How often do you experience orgasm?

Very often 22.07

Often 25.23

Sometimes 26.43

Once in a while 18.41

Never 7.86

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5. Have you ever cheated on your partner?

Yes 44.23

No 41.47

Considered it, but did not 14.29

The survey included 8,000 black women, most of whom answered questions online. Some mailed responses to Ebony. The survey was conducted between March 8 and April 30, 2004.

Next: Frequently Asked Questions Women Have About Sex

Last updated 10/04. Last reviewed: 11/05.

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