Talking to Our Daughters About Sex:

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The stakes are agonizingly high. The risk of STDs to young girls is even greater than it is for older women, because their bodies don't yet produce sufficient amounts of the estrogen that gives the vagina some resistance to bacteria. As a result, the younger a girl is when she becomes sexually active, the more likely she is to contract a sexually transmitted infection. But we can help keep girls safe: According to a study in the American Journal of Public Health, girls whose mothers talked to them about the benefits of condoms before their first sexual encounter were three times as likely to use them when they became sexually active.

Let your girl know that you are open and available to her, and she can come to you with any questions. (It helps if you've kept open lines of communication all along.) "Teens may not say much," Hutcherson observes, "but they are often relieved that their mothers want to talk about sex." Try these tips to get the conversation started:

Get the facts before you speak. Read all you can about sexual development and STDs before you approach your daughter. Planned Parenthood Federation of America, Inc., provides objective and free sexual-health information. Jot down what you want to discuss and practice saying it.

Talk with the doc. Ask your OB-GYN or your child's pediatrician for tips. You can give your child a feeling of growing independence by allowing her to have a private doctor-daughter discussion. Agree with your doctor beforehand how much wisdom to share with your girl.

Don't judge. Approach the conversation "with love, not anger," advises Hutcherson. And to avoid making your daughter defensive, it's a good idea to preface your talk with, "If and when you become sexually active...."

Be willing to hear your child. If your teen tells you she has decided to have sex, know that you may express disagreement with her choice, but you can't stop her if she's truly made up her mind. It is now your role to make sure she stays sexually healthy by giving her sound options for birth control.

"You need to talk to her and teach her, even if it seems she's not listening," says Hutcherson. Not giving your child the right information about condoms--and supporting her use of them--opens the door to the sometimes fatal risks associated with careless sexual behavior. Hutcherson adds that if you suspect, or know, that your child is already sexually active, suggest an appointment with an OB-GYN or a pediatrician who sees adolescents. Your daughter might be able to ask an outside professional what she can't yet bring herself to ask you.

She has an STD. Now what? Get her medical help at once. And let her know you're there for her. This is probably not the time to lecture her about protection, so choose your words carefully. Then when the time feels right, speak with her about her choices and their consequences.

If you and that young girl you care so much about can ultimately create an honest, compassionate and ongoing exchange, chances are she will learn to explore her sexuality in ways that ensure a healthier, more responsible and emotionally satisfying sexual future.

GUIDING GIRLS

Consider these additional ways to give our daughters smart advice and support:

* Enroll your daughter in a rites of passage program through your place of worship or another organization. These programs help make a girl's journey into womanhood a memorable event while providing a healthy environment in which girls can discuss their changing bodies and relationships and explore other topics of interest to girls at this age.

* Monitor the media. That includes Internet sites, newspapers, magazines and television and radio programs to which your child is exposed. Talk to her about what she is seeing, hearing and reading.

Books

* Beyond the Big Talk: Every Parent's Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Teens--From Middle School to College (Newmarket Press, $24.95) by Debra W. Haffner, M.P.H., and Alyssa Haffner Tartaglione

* Don't Give It Away! A Workbook of Self-Awareness and Self-Affirmations for Young Women (Simon & Schuster Trade, $11) by Iyanla Vanzant and Almasi Wilcots

* What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex (Penguin USA, $27.95) by Hilda Hutcherson, M.D.

* Finding Our Way: The Teen Girls' Survival Book (HarperPerennial, $14) by Allison Abner and Linda Villarosa

* The What's Happening to My Body? Book for Girls: A Growing-up Guide for Parents and Daughters (Newmarket Press, $12.95) by Lynda Madaras with Area Madaras

* My Body, My Self for Girls: The What's Happening to My Body Workbook (Newmarket Press, $12.95) by Lynda Madaras and Area Madaras

* Before She Gets Her Period: Talking With Your Daughter About Menstruation (Perspective Publishing, Inc., $13.95) by Jessica B. Gillooly

* The Period Book: Everything You Don't Want to Ask (But Need to Know) (Walker & Co., $8.95) by Karen Gravelle and Jennifer Gravelle

Web Sites

* American Academy of Pediatrics (aap.org/pubserv/talksx.htm)

* Planned Parenthood Federation of America, Inc. (plannedparenthood.org)

* Vagisil Women's Health Center (vagisil.com)

Abstinence--The Safest Sex

Advocates of abstinence point out that it's still the only sure way to prevent pregnancy and the transmission of such STDs as HIV or gonorrhea. They say that young people who choose not to have sex are also freed of the "emotional hangover" that intercourse can cause in even the most sexually liberated adult. Victoria Sloan, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and cofounder with her siblings of Flo's Kids Inc. in Houston, a spiritually based seminar series, advocates abstinence until marriage. The Black Church Initiative, a part of the Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice, teaches how to broach the conversation about teen sexuality with young adults. To learn more about this program, call (202) 628-7700.

Say What?

KIDS SAY THE DARNEDEST THINGS--AND SOME OF IT CATCHES US OFF GUARD

Here's some basic advice: First of all, don't freak out when your child asks you a sex-related question. Don't feel you have to be graphic (a simple basic answer will often do) and always use the correct terminology. "It's okay for a 4-year-old to say vagina," says Cheryl Doyle, M.D., associate director of pediatrics at Woodhull Medical and Mental Health Center in Brooklyn. "They know where the nose is, they know where the ears are, and they should know what their vagina is."

Here is what you might reply when your child says:

"Mommy, that's bootylicious!"

"Bootylicious! Now you tell me what that means." Anne Beal, M.D., a pediatrician and pediatrics instructor at Harvard Medical School, suggests that you use the discussion as an opportunity to help your daughter understand how it can be a good thing to define herself differently from the images she sees in the media.

"Mommy, Lamar called me a ho. What's a ho?"

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"First of all, shame on Lamar. That's not a name anyone should ever call a friend or a girl he likes or respects. Ho puts down women like the word nigger puts down Black folks. Ho is actually street slang for whore, and if we look up w-h-o-r-e in the dictionary, it says a whore is a `woman who engages in sexual acts for money; a promiscuous or immoral woman.' Promiscuous means having sex with just about anybody or everybody. And immoral means unacceptable in the eyes of God or society. Do you think any of these definitions have anything to do with who you are and how you act? I bet Lamar didn't even know what he was saying, but if he or anyone ever calls you that again, you tell them you'll never answer to that ugly name because you deserve more respect. Then come tell me."

"Mommy, what's oral sex?"

Hilda Hutcherson, codirector of the New York Center for Human Sexuality at Columbia Presbyterian Medical Center, says when her young son asked her to explain the term he heard during the Clinton-Lewinsky sex scandal, she didn't mince words: "I said that sometimes people will find pleasure in putting their mouths on other people's private parts." She adds, "I told him that it's an adult activity." Gently but clearly explain to your child that oral sex is not something anyone should do to her or have her do. And if you're talking to an older child, explain that oral sex has risks: Experts are finding an increased number of cases of gonorrhea of the mouth and of oral herpes.

Next: Need A Little Help With That Big Talk? Try This

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