The Sexual Surrogate

The fact that money is paid for the services of a prostitute, a sexual surrogate, or a sex therapist is not the issue. We live in a society where monetary exchange for goods and services is the rule. The intent of those who insist upon comparing sex surrogate assisted sex therapy with prostitution is to demean and discredit both. It is a reflection of our basically repressive culture regarding sexuality.

For The Greater Good

Nothing daunted my determination to become the very best sex therapist I possibly could. Helping people accept and respect their sexual urges as a natural part of life and helping them to have satisfying sex lives was compelling for me. As a child, I'd had several sexual experiences initiated by adult men. There had been no violence nor threats of violence. Yet I was sworn to secrecy and knew, from an uneasy place deep inside, that this was not socially acceptable behavior. The most traumatic part, however, was that I was blamed for being seductive and made to feel guilty.

From that time on, I searched for understanding about this most powerful of human energy: sex. I observed, asked questions, read everything I could get my hands on, and experimented wherever I could. In order to learn even more, I talked my husband into having an open relationship for a short while, in which either of us could, by mutual agreement, have other sexual partners. From all my searching, I could only conclude there was something radically wrong with the attitude toward sex in our culture. The most important thing I discovered was that, despite the fact that we are continually being bombarded by sexual images and sexual innuendoes, our society basically denies the value and beauty of sexuality. Therefore we are taught very little about it, being left to discover what little we can, through a great deal of fumbling and bumbling and embarrassment. What masquerades as sexual freedom is often only a rebellion against the lies, secrecy, hypocrisy, and ignorance about sex that our culture imposes upon us. We have been given the message that our sexual urges and attractions are bad. They are not. They are natural and beautiful. However, in our ignorance, how we act upon those urges is often what turns the sublime into the horrific!

Sex therapy utilizing experiential methods and surrogate partners became for me a way of making sex right both for myself and for my clients. I also hoped my work might have a redeeming influence upon some of the negative sexual attitudes in our culture. What is desperately needed are clear, unambiguous standards of sexual behavior that support the responsible and joyous expression of our sexuality. But this cannot be achieved in theory only. Such standards can only become effective through societally approved experiential learning. Surrogate-assisted therapy has proven to serve that purpose.

Last updated: 8/05

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