Sexual Abuse Survivors and Sex

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Some ways to develop internal safety:

• Create a safe place for yourself inside your home - a comfortable place that you can call your own. No one should go into this space without your permission, it is yours.

• Imagine what an ideal safe place would look like. It doesn't have to be reality based, you can create a fantasy safe place. Really let your imagination go with this; you can imagine anything you want. What would be there? What would you see, hear, smell, and be able to touch? How would you feel in this safe place? Spend time with this imaginary safe place on a regular basis to strengthen your internal experience of safety.

Some ways to develop external safety:

• Explore your definition of external safety. What does it mean for a person or a situation to be safe? How do you know when you are safe? How do you know when people or situations are not safe? What contributes to your feeling safe, and what interferes with your ability to feel safe? What are your internal signs that tell you when someone or a situation is not safe?

• Identify what helps you to feel safe with a sexual partner. Do you need to talk during sex? Do you need to talk about issues before having sex? Do you need to know that you can stop at any time? Do you need to practice saying "stop" or "no" during sex? Do you need to have opportunities to initiate sex?

When Trust Is an Issue

Because sexual abuse is such a major violation of trust, many abuse survivors have difficulty trusting their own perceptions and trusting other people. Building trust in yourself - knowing and trusting your feelings, thoughts, beliefs, intuition, and perceptions - is crucial, and will help you to know who you can trust.

Without a minimum of trust, sex is scary, unsafe, and unenjoyable. Different people require different amounts of trust in order to enjoy sex. Some survivors require a great deal of trust, and must know the person they are going to have sex with a long time before they feel comfortable to have sex. Others do not require as much trust to enjoy themselves sexually. Both are okay; it's just important to know your own boundaries and to respect them.

Developing internal trust means becoming aware of and respectful of your own feelings, physical sensations, intuition, thoughts, beliefs, and perceptions - or in other words, your own reality. They are your guides and can be relied upon. At the same, it's important to know the difference between what you have learned to be drawn to or are comfortable with because of its association with the abuse, and what is coming from a deeper, wiser place from within you. Exploring these issues in more depth will help you to make those distinctions.

Building a Comfort Level With Intimacy

For many abuse survivors being intimate - emotionally or sexually - can be very scary. Many survivors dissociate from intimacy, yet they crave the closeness at the same time. Fear of intimacy is often rooted in fear of being vulnerable with another person and of being hurt by them.

Some suggestions to build a comfort level with intimacy:

• Take little steps whenever you can to increase your intimacy with someone you trust and are safe with. This could mean sharing something personal, talking about your feelings, touching them, asking for a hug, holding eye contact, inviting them out, calling a friend, reaching out when you are upset, or staying present for as long as you can in their presence.

• During sex, take it slow, stop when you need to, and breathe in and feel what you are feeling. Be aware of how you are feeling in your body. Take your time. Hold eye contact. Touch your partner. Stay connected with your partner. Talk about how you are feeling.

Being In Your Body

Because sexual abuse is an invasion and an attack on the body, many survivors feel cut off or distant from their bodies. They may view their bodies as being responsible for the abuse, or at very least intimately linked with the abuse. This negative association between your body and the abuse needs to be broken. Your body doesn't deserve to be thought of this way.

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Many abuse survivors hate their bodies, and feel betrayed by their body's response during abuse. Some survivors refer to their body as "the body", distancing themselves from their bodies in order to not feel pain.

Being in touch with and living in your body is key to enjoying your sexuality and sex. But often that means going through a lot of body and emotional pain first. This happens because our bodies hold tension and feelings from the abuse as well as our responses to the abuse. This tension needs to be released so that you can feel your sexual feelings and enjoy them.

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Last updated: 10/05

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