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Self-Injury Community Wall

Lacey - heaven33197900@earthlink.net - 22

Comments - I've been cutting since I was 15. I hate it so much, because I feel so guilty and terrible about it after wards. However, it is my only way of dealing with the thoughts and feelings that I can't control inside my head. I hurt so much inside that it is killing me. I want to stop, but it's so hard. I want to feel and know my emotions instead of resorting to cutting. It used to make me feel better. However, the last time that I cut I lost control and tried to kill myself. I was in the hospital for a week and then I got sick of being there so I said that I was feeling better, even though I really wasn't. Since then every time that I cut I freak out because I think that I might die and that's something that I don't want. I want to live, but I can't stop cutting, and I can't cut without thinking that I might die. I am in a very difficult possition. I am working with my therapist to help overcome cutting and the reasons as to why I cut myself. I hope that I can start to over come my addiction with cutting. Time will tell.

Aurora - aurora23@hotmail.com - 23

Comments - 1B- a poem by Jewel The woman sitting next to me in B1 has burn marks on her hands. As she sleeps, I let myself stare trying to figure out if it was a cooking accident or... She boarded quietly, but her eyes grazed me with malignant anger. She is awake now. I turn away, look out the window. Reaching for the phone the sleeve of her business jacket lifts,revealing a neat row of round burn marks all up her forearm. Was she hurt as a child? Was it a late husband, mean boyfriend, crazy sex fetish? I try to catch the title pf the book she's reading for clues. It's just some mystery novel. I can tell I'm making her uneasy. I go back to my writing. She looks so hard- like a lot of women in L.A. Dark secrets hunting her insides, softness sucked out, a deep sadness in her eyes. Jewel sure knows how to tell it huh!..we are the ones she sees on the busses and planes with the scars. :)

Lacey - heaven33197900@earthlink.net - 22

Comments - Well, I've been si free for about a week now. Last week I cut myself pretty badly, and I'm allowing myself time to heal. However, the desire to cut is still extreamly strong and I'm trying to fight it with every inch of my being. This week has been a struggle. I still have a lot of the overwhelming feeling trapped inside my head that caused me to cut in the first place. I'm trying to work through the thoughts and understand why they are there and why they make me feel so upset. I'm trying to stay strong through this time so that I don't fall back on cutting again. It's hard to say if I am ready to give it up totally yet, but I am ready to start to try to give up cutting. I am working really hard in therapy and that is really important to me. I've been in therapy for a long time and I never really got any where with it. Then I got a new therapist and we've been diving into a lot of my past issues and my feelings that surround those issues. Sorting the feelings out is hard, but important. It's helping me a lot, and I'm greatful for it. Recovery is far off yet for me, but I can see it now, and it's something that I truely want.

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - It would have been two weeks without the cutting or burning but one hour before the two week mark I cut myself. I tryed starting over but then on Monday (the next day) I cut alot more times and deeper. I have not cut since monday but I want to so bad. I have not eaten anything since Sunday either. I feel weak physicaly and mental all at once. I had another panic attack today, this time it was at school. Now I am feeling suicidal and I have the pills in my packit. I want to take them but at the same time I dont. I am just so sick of feeling this way.

Destiny R - pentagrams_wicca_666@yahoo.com - 14

Comments - I changed my address again. I just cut this morning. I told myself only one cut. Ha that's funny. Cause one lead to another and etc. So I guess I am cursed as a cutter. But oh fucking well cause it's what I do best.

Destiny R - pentagrams_wicca_666@yahoo.com - 14

Comments - Visit my site and submit!! xanga.com/cutter_666_4life Submit if you want

J - dancerpoet91@aol.com - 13

Comments - I am trying so hard to stop because my parents expect me to. They call it stupid and worse and make me feel so alone, but yet they expect me to just drop a huge chunk of my life. I am still trying.

dont want ta lose her - oxautochick14369@aol.com - 15

Comments - My best friend, who is like my sister, cuts herself. Im there for her and everything, but she doesn't want to stop. She scares me sometimes because she comes to the point where she wants to kill herself n the only thing stoppin her from doing it is me talkin to her for as long as it takes for her to calm down. I don't want to lose her if some day she decides to not call me. She says its the only thing that helps her. She doesn't want to talk to anyone either except me n one other friend. What do i do? I don't want to lose my sister.

Destiny Ray - pentagrams_r_me@yahoo.com - 14

Comments - dont want to lose her, i understand that you are afraid for your friend because i feel that way about myself. Not a day goes by that i do not consider death for myself. If you are really scared for your friend then you should let them know. You've probably already done that from what i can depict. Tell your friend to visit this web site: xanga.com/cutter_666_4life be sure to click on sign in my guest book. Anywho, let your friend know that she isn't the only one.

Ali - allison7575@yahoo.com - 20

Comments - Destiny Ray...you have no clue how much you have helped me...I had no idea what a xanga was... so I went to your site...and I was so excited to find somewhere where I could post what ever I wanted to...I now have my own...xanga.com/life_must_go_on...this has already help me a ton...THANK YOU!! ~Ali

Ryan - x311isgodx@aol.com - 18

Comments - Hey everone. this is the first time ive ever done this. i dont cut, but i have a friend that does. i dont know why she does it,but she says its cause shes depressed. i told her that she dosent need to do that to feel better. i even mad her promiss me that she wouldent do it. she was good for a couple of days, but she just told me today that she cut herself a couple days ago. im worried about her. i dont want anything to happen to her. ive tried all that i can do and she says that she dosent want counsiling. if anyone knows is there is anything else i can do to help her PLEASE e-mail me. Thanks

jibbles - aluki@bigpond.com - 36

Comments - keep oneself downstream.unquiet,alas like the sea.the image of a bowl of water which one must not fill to overflowing.

Sam - sammy_lynn03@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - "I lay on my bed being blinded by tears, wondering if this is going to go one for years. I think to my self as I get out my knife wondering whats the point of life. I start to cut away at my arm, knowning that im causing myself harm. I think to myself, what if i hit a vain, then i know i wont have to deal with this pain. I fall to the floor, I get back up and take care of my arm. I go to lay on my bed, I think to myself what do i do? I know, I pray, dear god let tomorrow be a better day!" This is one of many things that i have wrote. I have been a cutter for over a year. I stopped for a while but i started again last summer. I dont want to do it but i get mad over the stupidest things, ill get in a fight with my parents and start to cry and dont know what else to do so i guess thats how i make all the pain go away. If anyone can relate to this please email me because i would love to share my feelings with some one!

Abby - ducky7016@yours.com - 15

Comments - I cant even look my mom in the eye just about 2 mins. ago as she asked me for a hug. Shes leaving, for a trip to Minnesota for about 3 days with my older sister. I cant even look at myself in the eye and think how pathetic i am how stupid i am and how ugly and fat i feel. I just cut.. about 15-20 mins ago, everyone was in the house and i did it, thinking how im going to hide it in gym class once again tomarrow. Make up helps to cover but u can still see through. My best friends in my gym class. She was the first person i told that i cut about 4-5 months ago and she just pushed me out of her door. Told me she'd choose her boyfriend of almost a year now over me.. her best friend. And it hurt. Stupid me, took her back and i like it, but i wonder if she even feels and knows my pain and how i feel about her, she thinks that we're like what we used to be. Best friends. 5 years and look what has happened between me and her. But now mostly me. Because its my fault i shouldnt be depressed and have this problem and cut. but i still do it. And now i go to therapy about every other week. & im taking wellbutrin xl. It doesnt seem to help much. I just keep on hearing in my head "abby cut.. just do it get it over with." and yet i know its wrong and i havent done it for 3 weeks now and i broke it today, now i start back at one counting the days passing by without SIing. 4 cuts today. They bled a lot, more than i thought and i barely pressed it down. Which was weird.. and i guess its cuz i havent done it in a while? But anyways ive always had a dream.. to have a boyfriend a real boyfriend, not just 'some guy'. Ive never had a real boyfriend, prolly cuz im ugly and all the other negative things i think about myself. I want one really bad, so bad. And now ive sucked myself into the lovely world of sex. And i met this guy and the next night after we net we fooled around. I know it was stupid and yet that was 2 1/2 months ago. And we're still fucking... I know i shouldnt and sometimes while we're in the middle of it i think and say to myself that he's using me (probably) and i guess im fine with it. Because when im with him all my emptyness sadness frustration goes away. I have the lonely empty feeling all the time. Is there other people out there that feel the same way i do? The feeling that no ones cares. (now im yelling at my sister cuz she asks me questions that i could care less about and when i say stuff back to her she shoots the anger right back at me). I think i better stop now. Dont feel sorry for me. I just want someone there for me, like every single person out there. Because ive read in here before and we all want someone to talk to. And i dont mind. i kinda like talking about depression and cutting and stuff, i think it helps me, but everyone like my friend and mary (my counslor) told me not to read this stuff. But i kinda like it.

Gloria - honest0688@yahoo,com - 17

Comments - I always sit in my room alone or with my sister there. I think sometimes I might cut my self for attention or do it for the release of my emmotions. I try every time not to do it. I got to the point where I dont pick at it and I let it heal. Well thats all.

Tessa Brown - none - 16

Comments - stop my pain love me right can you just be with me tonight?

Tessa Brown - none - 16

Comments - stop my pain love me right can you just be with me tonight?

Scarlett - jmfreedom06@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - I need a place to visit within the drifting boundaries of my mind, but I have only yet to find dry grass and broken leaves lingering still- reminders of the life that once breathed inside these dense, cold walls that have rotted into a now putrid grey. I think maybe I bleed in an attempt to purify these still and mucky waters that quake their rancid drums into my soul.

scarlett - jmfreedom06@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - My pain Oozes through Porous scars Scarlet slashes Shining through The white mass Awkwardly Attached to My soul My blood My spirit Releases Dripping Into fresh air And substances Moving The immovible To ache Away this Dull haze Of broken Emotion./ GOD, thank you for being here, hovering ever more in my existence. You will never let me forget the terror You've witnessed, and I need that: one day I will look back and realize the almighty strength and persistence of your outstretched arm. No matter what- I still have that hope.

scarlett - jmfreedom06@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - I used to cry when I bled.-- now I just sit in silence and reverence as my reflexes come into play. no tear will fall from these dry eyes-- itchy from the ache of an emotionless well. the voices in my hands control every motion, carving their song into my bones for eternity.

Sam - sammy_lynn03@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - Hey again. This is only my second time submitting on here. I cant stop thinking about cutting. Ive been so down lately. All my friends are back stabbers. My best friend (andrew) is moving and i have no one else to talk to. I wish people would stop looking at me like they do. I hide my scars but people still know. They all think im going to stop for them. They just dont understand. I wish there was some other way to deal with the pain. Cutting just makes it all go away. I cut again the other day. It blead so much. The more i cut the better i feel. If someone can help me please email me. My aim is slicerschick and my msn is sammy_lynn03@hotmail.com please help me!

jessica - hellsangel792@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - The life outside my room became a lie. A show put on for a desperate audience looking for a defect, some minute reason to jeer at those less fortunate. This show was built from illusions and pain, made to hide what was really there, as was my life. In my corrupt world I had but one true friend, one person who would always be there, Alexus. Her dark, raven black hair flowing long and beautiful down her back and outlining her delicate features. Her small fragile mouth formed words of understanding and endearment. Her eyes, built of ebony, were so deep you could get lost, and yet they held more wisdom then I could ever imagine. Her skin was porcelain white, and flawless, but her spirit was unbreakable. So many times I tried to elude her, I tried to hide my pain from her, but she always saw past it, she saw past it all. But her love wasn�t strong enough. It was overpowered by an evil no one could see or control. It was this evil, which caused so much abandonment in my life, and it was this evil, which tainted all the good I ever felt. Perhaps I had written my fate that day, as I etched my pain for the world to see. It was the first time I had done anything like this, but not the first time it had crossed my mind. I longed to feel alive, I longed to see my life flowing from my tangled veins and blooming upon the unfeeling floor. I can remember sitting there, the tears of a lost soul pooling in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks, as painful lyrics quietly sang their torment for an unknown audience. They sang as if each word were they�re last and most important, as if they were telling me some deadly secret, but I couldn�t hear them. All I could hear was my heart pounding inside my aching chest, sending shocks to my confused head. What had I just done? My mind went blank, and my vision black as my legs collapsed on to the white carpet. My body instantly, and with out command, curled up tight in a ball, such a pitiful sight I was, lying there weeping. That�s when I first truly heard them. They were so loud, and so clear as if the veil had finally been lifted and I could unquestionably understand what they wanted from me. Their words of betrayal echoed in my head as I began to shake. So often I laid in that same corner, my body convulsive from their words, tears quietly streaming down my face as my blood soaked into the white carpet, turning it into a crimson tapestry. I can still remember how they used to tell me what a waste I was. They told me that no one could ever love me because all I did was bring pain and suffering. They use to call me a pathetic, naive fool, and I would scream back at them until I couldn�t scream anymore. For so long I tried to deny it, I tried to lie and tell myself their words did not affect me. But deep down I knew what they were saying was true; I was a waste and did not deserve to be care for. The more I believed them, the harsher they became. Soon they were running my life and controlling my thoughts and I couldn�t do anything but sit and watch. Some nights the attacks got so bad I would cry in a corner for hours, bloody and scared. For every attack I got, I painted a new picture on a fresh piece of ashen skin. I would draw them with the razor�s unforgiving edge across my uncorrupt flesh. I would sit and watch the pictures appear and the blood flow from them and run down my leg, staining the skin as it went. These pictures illustrated my escape from merciless torment and my reluctance of being alive. So many scares I bore upon my snowy skin. I always thought it would get better, I always thought they�d leave, but it only got worse and they only got stronger. They fed from my broken soul and thrived off my deepened depression. On the last day of my life, they were so strong I could feel them pulsing as venom through my icy veins. I could hear their breathing, separate from my own. It was shallow, unearthly, and held no life, and as I sat there listening to this horrifying sound, chills raced up my spine. Constantly I was tormented; pained by such simple and everyday things. So many secrets kept- locked deep inside myself. Never knowing if I could trust those I loved, never knowing if I could even trust myself. So much heartache in pleasure and so much distrust in love, how was I to live this life? And yet I did, fighting every second just to live the next. But still I was never safe in this world. I was always terrorized by something unknown and unseen, myself. Their words pounding in my head; acid rain against my sanity. They were constantly eating away at anything I trusted or believed in. They left me lost, alone, and broken. Friends became deceitful and love became a lie. This had become my world and death had become my reality. Insanity was all I had. Failure became my only success. Try as I might, I could never do anything the way I was supposed to. My grades started plummeting and I started to realize my life was headed nowhere. So much disappointment I brought to my family. I used to be the �good kid� who got the good grade and never did anything illegal or immoral. But with in two years of first hearing them, I began to drink regularly. When I drank, their words had no effect; they couldn�t hurt me. It was a wonderful feeling knowing I was safe from their words of discouragement, knowing I had found I way to over power them, and knowing that I had won. But still they came to me, everyday, their cries disrupting my life. Mostly it was when I was alone and vulnerable, but soon I was being attacked everywhere I went. They no longer cared if I was in class or if I was alone, they wanted one thing, and they wouldn�t leave until they got it. They clouded my sight with dreams of crimson and shades of black. Their words became painful whips against my pride. The yelling which pounded inside my head left me with headaches so bad I couldn�t stand it. I tried so hard to fight them, day after day, but it became harder and they grew stronger. The more I fought, the weaker I became. My body couldn�t handle their immense power, and my mind couldn�t handle their thrashing. I soon began to with draw from the world. The things I once loved became shadows of a forgotten life. I preferred to pass the time alone in my darkened room with but a single candle to light my proceedings. At least here I could cry with out shame, here I could fight them without being heard. This was my sanctuary, and although I was not safe in it, I was alone. I could escape the judgment of the cruel world; I could accomplish what needed to be done. I let the silence surround me, and the darkness engulf me, drawing me into my depression. I would shine the razor, glistening and silver in the dull light, allowing it to cast a haunting shadow on the adjacent wall, and then I would cut my pain away. My mind would go blank as the ecstasy of this pain presented itself. As I cut, they urged me on; they told me that when I stop, my shame would return. So for them I continued until that piece of my skin was swollen and red. I couldn�t fight them. Eight tears of crimson pain were shed upon the cold hard floor that night. No longer was I expected to fake a smile, no longer did I have to lie. No sound escaped my tear soaked lips as I quietly wept, alone on the white ceramic of my bathtub. Such a fitting end to my lonely life, I was alone in this world, I was alone in death, but at least I would finally be truly alone. No longer would I have to endure the dry, raspy voice, which had caused so much pain and doubt in my life. No longer would I have to fear her childish words, convincing me of my death, as she told me glorious stories of a friendship I could have, a friendship which could never be. The voices were gone for the first time in years and they would never come back. As I lie there on the ground, the life draining from my pale wrists, I could hear everything. I could understand the quiet lyrics as they sang to me their cyanide secrets and deadly dreams. I could hear my dogs quietly sniffing at the door questioningly. In those last few minutes, I listened to the water, rushing from the silver faucet, which had been turned on to conceal my last cries. I heard the drain swallowing the water, which had mixed with my maroon blood and salted tears. In those last moments, everything had become so clear; the cloak of secrecy had been lifted off me, I sat there, exposed to the world. I remember the peaceful calm, which swept over me like a comforting blanket. I can still see that last image of my blood, my life, flowing majestically down the drain in a wondrous hue; I finally finished that which I had started so many times. As I exhaled my last breath, two words escaped my lips, which had protected so many secrets before now. �I�m free� With these words I closed my eyes and let my life flee from me; for I never feared death, I feared life with out death.

Stef - - 18

Comments - Wow, i haven't been here in a while. things have been going ok. Despite the promises i've made to people, i've started cutting again...but it's more or less just a random thing. it's happened three times in the past four months, and though i sort of regret doing it, it feels good to be doing it again. i still have to hide it from everyone, and the thought of hurting my family and friends again is sort of scary--i dont want to put them through all of that again...so all is ok.. rambling now--i'll write more later, going to a party. oh, and i'm doing drugs again. i'll talk about it later

Amber - marinaakaamber@aol.com - 16

Comments - I started cutting when I was 12. It originally started with scratching and then it grew to cutting. I never thought of it as a bad thing until someone told me it was a bad thing and that was when I was 14. I think about cutting all the time or most of the time. I have a blade or some type of cutting tool wherever I go so in case if I get a rush, I'm ready. My b/f doesnt like it that I cut, but I'm trying to stop. I haven't done it since December 19th, but I could get a rush any minute. All I have to say is that don't do it just to be cool. For anyone reading this, SI is a serious problem. If you wanna talk to me, my AIM sn is Marina aka Amber and my Yahoo s/n is amberva1 and my MSN username is power2geri@aol.com...my email is MarinaakaAmber@aol.com, u can talk to me anytime or u can call me at 540-529-3275.

jessica - jessica2cute2nv@netscape.net - 15

Comments - I started cutting about 4 years ago. I cant say when i first started or why i chose to cut but it helped sometimes to make sum of the pain go away for a few min. but soon it was back again when it will go away who knows for sure but it's like u go day to day wondering why your still here i mean yea u have ur friends but sometimes it doesnt seem like enough yes there's also other people going through what u are but not any one person feels the same pain and hurt u do and no one really knows how bad u hurt but u its like ur trapped and cant get out no matter what u do and ur going crazy trying to get out u just wish u had the courage to end it all and maybe one day u will but ppl say only cowards committ suicide but they have no clue if they never were in our position what its like how hard it is to finially kill yourself for that last thread of hope to snap its kind of a relief for once to not have to deal with anymore depression or abuse or sleepless nights because u were crying or cutting or something but its so hard i started because my home was one of the safest places to be ppl always arguing and fighting and yelling and they still are but its like now ur numb to the pain to the abuse u had to go through remember how ppl use to treat u yelling at u or hitting u or just hurting u to where u think that ur beyond repair its so hard to get back up after being pushed down so many times and than feeling so lonely like no one cares even tho u have ppl who do care some people think that u cut for attention or because everyone else is but thats not why u do it u do it because it takes away the pain it makes u feel better for that short time but better than nothing right i mean better than getting hit or yelled at ur tired of getting hurt so its not really worth living anymore is it?

Scarlett - jmfreedom06 -

Comments -

Scarlett - jmfreedom06@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - My arms have endured yet another sound lashing, the flesh barely peeps through. I'm scared- one cut won't stop bleeding and a burn has become infected. I've been talking to my ballet instructor about it all, she's the only one who could ever understand- she's been battling anorexia/bulimia practically her whole life and she's been exposed to SI in past youth ministries. She wants me to visit with a therepist she's been to starting in January, but I have no idea how to approach my parents about it. I haven't eaten in a couple of days- when I got out of bed this morning, I collapsed. It hurts, but I love the way my stomach looks when it's empty. The Holidays suck- I hate food.

Ashley - babyblue5290@hotmail.com - 16

Comments -

Ashley - babyblue5290@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - hi, I am a self harmer, but I don't cut. I usually make bruises all over my body with anything I can find or by using my hands. I just can't stand my life anymore. My father was abusive until I was 14 and then he went to jail. My mother always hated me and now her boyfriend is in the picture. He is such a jerk. I can't stand him and he is always saying Im worthless or too fat, or too stupid, or ugly, or disobediant, or stuff like that.I just can't stand it anymore,

sabrina - bima2012@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - FEELING THE RAGE AND IN REACH OF A BLADE I GRAB IT AND CUT RIGHT THROUGH MY SKIN WATCHING MYSELF BLEED I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP IN THE MORNING I AWAKE IN A BED OF BLOOD I MISSED AND HIT A MAIN VAIN NOW IM DEAD I DIDNT MEAN IT BUT IT HAPPENED SO NOW MY PARENTS WILL FIND ME AND I CANT EVEN SAY SORRY AND IT WASNT YOUR FAULT

Tori - trv511@verizon.net - 14

Comments - I have been cutting for a while now. I was able to stop for about a month but the other day i started again. Can some one give me good reasons to stop other than i mite cut to deep(i make sure i never do) or it will leave scars

Morgan - jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com - 14

Comments - Hey everyone. i've been a cutter for almost two years now. i just found this site, and WOW is all i can say. reading everyone's messages and stories let me know that im not alone, and that other people are going through this as well. I was reciently hospitalized for trying to kill myself. now im on an antidepressant, but they don't help. only cutting helps. i need to right now, and i don't know what to do. i need help, but no one seems to really care. and no one understands. someone help me. my e-mail is jesusfreak_mo@hotmail.com

manda - amsbop@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - ok ive been cutting for three years once before i tried to stop but i ended up trying to kill myself im trying to stop again its been three weeks im not sure how much longer i can take it im so scared and have no one to talk to someone please help me

Stef - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - I used to be a cutter. I had started when I was 16, after I had seen friends do it to themselves. I didn't know why I did it to start with but it spun out of control. First it started with little urges, tiny pin pricks and cuts and then it escalated to anywhere from 8-20 cuts on my arms and wrists 2-3 times a day. I couldn't live without it, my world spun out of control and I couldn't breathe or think without it. I used to do it in class, underneath my desk while no one was looking just to get through the day. My weapon of choice was a kitchen knife-just a plain steak knife that I had stolen out of the drawer. No one had noticed. My boyfriend (at the time) knew about it, and tried to stop it but couldn't. I didn't want to stop, I couldn't stop. On February 20th, 2004, I was called into the office and found my boyfriend sitting in the chair of my councelors office. They said I know what you're doing to yourself and you have people that love you and that are worried about you--can you show it to us. So I showed them my arm, they looked at one another and then they started talking to me. They asked me questions like why do I do this, how long have i been doing it, what do i do it with and if my parents know (which they didn't). They told me that i had to tell my parents, that they needed to call them in. So as i began to cry and beg them not to, they called my stepmother to tell her there was an emergency at the school. so she toted my father along (which i did not want to happen) and they showed up about 20 minutes later. My councelors sat them down and told me what was going on as i watched my parents cry and look at me in utter horror and disbelief. my heart sank to know that i had dissapointed them in such a way--that there was no turning back from this point. The school called the psychiatric hospital (oddly enough only down the street from the school) and had be go in. As we sat in the waiting room of the hospital, my parents still crying and me finally going down to a sniffle while they filled out the paper work, i realized that i had to stop. that at this point, i had no choice. The nurse finally called me in, interviewed my parents and i, and decided that i didn't need to stay there. i had gotten lucky. I remember though, that weekend--those first 48 hours--i had only 20 minutes to myself, just enough to pee. My world was turned upside down. i had no choice but to get better. I started seeing a psychiatrist, she helped me understand a lot of things and where this possibly had all started and now i am a better person. Despite the promises that i made to people, I have cut again--2 moments of weakness that i sort of regret but it is still oddly comfortable to think about it even today. I had been through hell and back--and for some of you i know that you can get better too. I am always here to talk. My e-mail is phoebepo3@yahoo.com or my AIM is fairyqueen951. If you ever need to talk--please come to me, i am here to listen.

Traggedy - s_m_w_k@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - I have always been the social outcast. (Yes, even in kindergarten) My sister and her friends physically and mentally abused me for years. I do not fit in with my dad's side of the family. I do not fit in with my friends either. (They put up with me anyway) When I was about 5 years old I started to draw pictures of girls being tortured- Hung, stabbed, shot by an arrow, run over, starved to death.... then, as I got older, I started to pretend that my barbiedolls were real. And I tortured them mercilessly. I eventually started stabbing safety pins and needles into my stomach, just abouve the navel. Then, forks and small knives, scissors. I use steak knives and a large, odd looking knife I do not know the name of, now. My stomach is always sore, since it is always covered with shallow stab wounds. (I even had to get stitches once) I really hate it. But then, I hate myself more because it seems that, throughout my whole life, others do not like me. Like i'm something horrible. I guess i'm punishing myself for reasons that are not my fault.

Miss_Sad16 - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Okay I am feeling very depressed again. I want to end it all but I cut myself just so I could get to today. I want to feel better but I dont want to die. How can I do that?

kt - kt@roodscreen.com - 15

Comments - I've been cutting since I was 13. 3 years ago, my BFF was raped and she died last year. I've got 3 great friends who are trying to help me now, and one of them is a cutter herself. They all tell me I should stop, or I should talk to my parents, but I can't. I never even told my parents about my friend getting raped. Please don't email me (dad checks my mail sometimes) but if you have anything to say to me, post it please!!! PS- my cutter friends and former cutter friends have this like, support group at our school. Its great. We're always there for eachother, and several of us have *stopped* cutting. And don't be afraid of what you'r non-cutter friends will think of you when they find out. All mine were just worried and tried to help.

kt - kt@roodscreen.com - 15

Comments - I've been cutting since I was 13. 3 years ago, my BFF was raped and she died last year (AIDS). I've got 3 great friends who are trying to help me now, and one of them is a cutter herself. They all tell me I should stop, or I should talk to my parents, but I can't. I never even told my parents about my friend getting raped. Please don't email me (dad checks my mail sometimes) but if you have anything to say to me, post it please!!! PS- my cutter friends and former cutter friends have this like, support group at our school. Its great. We're always there for eachother, and several of us have *stopped* cutting. And don't be afraid of what you'r non-cutter friends will think of you when they find out. All mine were just worried and tried to help.

kt - - 15

Susan - rhoads-s-975@mssu.edu - 37

Comments - I am a student doing a research project on self-injury. I have a questioniare that I would like people to answer. I will be presenting the findings at a conference in April. My hope is to enlighten those people out there that think we should just be able to stop, and hopefully not only educate them but also instill some compassion in them. Please help me. Email me at rhoads-s-975@mssu.edu with research in the subject heading. This is completely voluntary and anonymous. Thank you in advance for your help in getting the message out.

kt - kt@roodscreencom - 15

Comments - Hey Susan, if you promise its confidential, I'll answer your questions. E-mail me, or I'll try to e-mail you. I'm @ school now, so I can't e-mail from here. My address is listed above.

kt - kt@roodscreencom - 15

Comments - Hey Susan, if you promise its anonymous, I'll answer your questions. E-mail me, or I'll try to e-mail you. I'm @ school now, so I can't e-mail from here. My address is listed above.

Sam - sammy_lynn03@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - I thought I could stop but I was wrong. My parents have been checking my arms to see if I still cut or not but I just started cutting my ankles. I cant find any other way to get the pain to go away. Cutting and seeing myself bleed makes me feel better. I really wish I could stop this before it gets really serious. I didnt think I was cutting myself that bad but when I showed my friend, she said it was really bad and I should tell someone, but I cant tell anyone, I cant trust anyone any more. All I have are my friends who also cut themselves and understand what I am going through. I always care way to much about what people think about me, and my parents always yell at me for stupid reasons and all I can do it cut. Can anyone give me any advise or Im here if anyone needs to talk.

Miss_Sad16 - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - I cut myself yesterday morning and its still bleeding. How do I know if I need stiches?

Stef - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - Sam--at least you're here talking about it. Stopping isn't easy, hell, despite all I've been through, I still really haven't stopped. Maybe you should talk to a councelor at school, that's who helped me through my hardest times, and they ended up having me councel people about self-mutilation. I know this probably sounds redundant, but try finding something else--I started writing, or working out, or meditation. You just need to learn to steady your mind, learn to sort of control those needs and urges to cut. There's a chance you may never stop, but maybe you can decrease and slow down what you're doing to yourself. Miss_Sad16--Is it bleeding really bad? If it hasn't stopped by the end of today, you should really go to the doctor, because it could get infected, and then you could really be in trouble.

manda - amsbop@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - I feel so bad becuase of me my best friend got the idea of cutting herself and I cant tell her she shouldn't cause i do it too i told her how hard it is to quit what can i do to descourage her not to cut

amanda - amsbop@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - I feel so worthless i just want to die the cutting isn't helping any more i put a gun to my heard the other day but couldnt bring myself to pull the trigger please help before i do pull the trigger i have yahooo messanger sn is amsbop

Jessica - sarro621@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - I have just found this site. I can really relate. I was looking for anywhere to go to express myself. I have been a self injurer for 3 years now. I can't seem to stop. I have tried to but i can't. My b/f left me because he couldn't and wouldn't understand. Wherever I go, I feel like an outsider, but at the same time, it feels so good to cut. I did it twice today. during the christmas break I had which was 20 days long, I cut myself over 40 times. I just felt so alone. I feel miserable and I hate living here. cutting seems to be the only thing that I can do. I remember the day I started cutting. My mom was passed out, drunk on the couch. I decided I would do the dishes, and I just saw the knife sitting there. It just seemed to be calling to me. So I picked it up and cut myself. My b/f at the time had asked me what happened and i said it was an accident. The next time i cut didn't happen for another month when I decided to tell my mom that I had been getting molested by my father. From that point on it started happening more ofter, weekly. Then when my stepdad beat me and my mom up I decided to stop the pain and cut even more. Since there were so many cuts, i had to tell my b/f. HE freaked out and left me. So now it is daily or even more often. I don't know what to do except write poetry which only helps occasionally. If anyone feels like helping or wanting to talk to someone like me, I would really like to. You can email me anytime. I check my mail every day or two.

Jessica - sarro621@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - here's a poem that I wrote which sometimes helps me stop by just reading it. FREEDOM FROM FLESH cutting my flesh, it opens wide. down my arm the blood slides. There is no ending to my pain, only the bleeding, which fills me w/ shame. cutting my flesh, it opens wide, down my leg the blood slides. Watching it slide away from me, the pain subsides and i am free. cutting my flesh, it opens wide, down my stomach the blood slides. I feel unlike I ever did before, The pain is different, I don't feel it anymore. Cutting my flesh it opens wide. Down my body the blood slides. It feels so good, it feels so right, I no longer have the need to fight. Cutting my flesh it opens wide, down my arm, the blood slides. There is no ending to my pain. Only the bleeding which fills me with shame.

Sam - sammy_lynn03@hotmail.com - 16

Comments - I did it again today but i cut my wrist and ankle. It blead real bad. I cant deal with this n e more. I want to stop but i cant. Its so hard. I want to get help but I cant tell n e one. I already care way 2 much wut ppl think of me and that would make matters worse. i dont know what 2 do n e more. Some one help

Jessica - sarro621@yahoo.com - 17

Comments -

Jessica - sarro621@yahoo.com - 17

Comments -

Miss_Sad16 - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Okay thursday night I od, my mom toke me to the er. They pumped my stomach and told my mom to take me to the mental hospital in the morning. She never did and these thoughts never ended. I still want to die, I still want to cut. I cant handle this anymore. No one understands me. I cant use the phone or the computer (I am at school right now) anymore. She cut off my support system. How can I get through this with no help from anyone? My parents dont care about me and I am so depressed. The only thing my parents can say is if I do anything "stupid" again I will not be welcomed back into there home. Thats where I live right now, so if I do end up cutting myself again I have no where to go. What can I do? These feelings are so strong.

amanda - amsbop@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - check yuor self in to a mental hospital if you can because if u dont get some help it will never end

Miss_Sad16 - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Its not that easy, my parents wont let me. If I do I wont have no where to live when I get out. I know it would be the best for me, the only way I would feel safe but I have to look at all the issues. Even if I would sign myself into the hospital the doc. would want to put me back on antidepressants, my parents dont want that. I dont know what else to do, I want to cut myself so bad but I am scared of my parents finding out. I would od again but only if I knew it would end this war that goes on in my head all the time. Maybe I should try something else like hanging myself or a gun those must work. Someone please give me advice I dont know what to do. I dont know how to fix this.

divided2 - - 21

Comments - ms sad... i know its hard to deal with these things. killing/hurting yourself is obviously not the answer. try and find a new support system. maybe a new hobby or friend. there are other possibilities. try to feel that tomorrow will be a better day for you and always keep that hope that things will work themselves out with your help.

divided2 - divided2@cox.net - 21

Comments - I know how it feels to feel worthless. during these times its hard to accept encouragment. it feels like nothing can/will help. i think we all have differnt ways of dealing with this pain. yet are all united in the fact that we choose to cut. hopefully one day we can look back and at least accept the scars weve given ourselves. i have yet to reach that point, but having that thought in my mind makes me feel better. i always think that one day all this pain will be washed away and i again can feel normal. i hope all of you can feel that way as well. It helps me to be in denial about my cutting. that was at least i still feel its bad and after everycut i say to myself this is it. But im sure you know how that feels to have a desire that even though is so wrong for us, it feels so right.

shydoggy - - old enough

Comments - Ya I cut, Maybe someday I will quit. "the pain is deep deeper than a razor can cut she tries to destroy it to reach into the abbys of despair and find hope surely it once existed now it lies silent a crumpled grey sparrow toyed with by the claws of angry words and unforgiveness fearing discovery and further pain seh scarsely dares to breathe and yet trembles in anticipation of rescue.

Miss_Sad16 - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Okay so I felt okay for a couple of days but last night all of it came back. I want to cut or do anything to make this pain stop even if its just for a minute. I am scared of what I could do. How do I go about sighing myself into the hospital? I cant even drive to get myself to the hospital. I am trying to move in with my friend so I want be controled by my family anymore. But everyone thinks I am just trying to run away from my problems and that the problems will always be there. I am not trying to run away but find a safe place to live so I can fix the problems. I need advice. Please dont email me I cant check it. Thanks

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - I cut myself, have an ed, and tryed countless times to kill myself all of which have taken place in the last 6 years. I plan to start college in the fall with a major in psychology. I want to be able to help others like me. I think I could be good at it but I am also scared. I am scared that my problems will get in the way. Some people I have talked to think I should wait til my problems have gotten better. Others think that it could help me. What do you people think? By the time I am done with college I plan not to be a cutter anymore. Would you take advice from a counselor who has scares from cutting herself? Would you listen to someone who has been there? Should I major in psychology?

Stefanie - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - I had just bought a book off E-Bay, Cutting by Steven Levenkron, and just skimming through it is bringing back the memories for me. All of the thoughts and feelings of what I used to do to myself, the blade against my skin, the gentle sting of the blood reaching the air. I remember it used to facinate me the way the blood would pattern on my clothes and on the tissue I would use to stop the bleeding. I'd hold onto the tissue, put it in my pocket for the day and just play with it and look at it, sneaking a peak underneath my desk--hoping that no one was looking. I remember a lot of the bad times too, which is bringing back the feelings of cutting again. I remember seeing my boyfriends face--seeing the pain in his eyes and the fact that he was so hurt and that there was nothing that he could do. He watched as I first started with grabbing thumbtacks off of the band room posting wall and pricking my skin off piece by piece, and he watched as things progressed into worser things--as the scars on my arm became more prominent, as I constantly wore baggy clothes to hide all of the scars on my arms, shoulders and legs. He cried as he asked to look at my scars, and he gently touched them, feeling all of their distortions on my skin. I'm still trying my hardest to not do it again. But damn--it's so hard. The urge is still there everyday, a lot of times it just plays a little in the back of my head--but sometimes it just screams so loudly inside my head and just won't shut up until I cut. It hurts a little to do it now...it never used to. I don't understand that. Is it my concience nagging me, or is it my body's defense to help me to stop? Will I ever understand what is going on inside of my head, and will I ever be able to stop this voice, this urge inside of my head. And I can't put my new boyfriend through this, even though i'm not sure that I even want to be with him. He's great and everything, but i'm still looking for that certain person--namely a girl. I'm sexually indecisive--that's a nice way to put it. *sigh* my mind is racing, so many thoughts going on inside of it, and it won't slow down, but my fingers can't keep up with all that's going on inside of my head, and then the thought passes and it's gone. I should go now...take a couple of sleeping pills or something to slow me down here. If anyone wants to talk, I am fairiequeen951 on aim OR phoebepo3 on yahoo sn.

muwanguzi - muwangazi@yahoo.co.uk - 35

Comments - I have your work you are doing for God's childre(people).And I know that you people can help me in God's name. God bless you.

Miss_Sad18 - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - I cut this morning, but it was different. I use to cut on my arms but today I did it on my lower leg. Before my blood would be lighter red today it was dark red. Is dark red bad? What is the difference from? It hurt when I cut today, it never did before. Whats causing the pain? Why are these cuts so different? I am still very depressed and the sucidal thoughts came back again. I dont know what to do. I think the hospital would be the safest place but my parents wont listen to me. How do I sigh myself into the hospital when I cant even drive. Someone please help me I need to know what to do. Cant check my email so please dont email me. Thanks

Stefanie - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - Try taking a bus to the hospital. Any bus in any part of your area should be able to go to the hospital. Mine hurt when i do it now too, and i think it's because you're conscience is starting to kick in. i used to never think about it and now I do--so it makes it harder to do it. Just try to be safe and know that there are people out there that worry about you.

Lorin - ibplaynwidu_99@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - I had never heard of cutting until i saw a movie. The next time i was completely depressed, the kind of sad where you dont know what to do, and you cant sit still, i took a tack to my arm and make a deep gash. I was amazed by how happy it made me. I had been doing it ever since. I know what some of you mean by you think your scars are beautiful, for some reason i look at them and i am proud, though i am ashamed that i do cut my self. It is an akward feeling, but i look at them and see success. I dont think that i will ever stop doing it, but i dont want to.

Miss_Sad18 - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - There are no buses out by my house. I live in the country, we have to drive 15 miles just to shop for food. I was thinking about calling a taxi, would they drive me to the hospital? I cut again this morning. I think my parents are kicking me out this week. G2g talk later bye

sponge - - 16

Comments - i cut for about 3 years. now i am trying to stop and it is so so hard.i've had 45 blood free days and every single day is stil a struggle. sometimes i hate myself for ruining the beautiful body god gave me, though im far from beautiful, mostly though i love my scars. They r symbols of the battle wiv myself that i am finally winning.to anyone trying to stop, keep trying, it will probably b the hardest thing u'l ever do but it will also b the best.

angelia r stoner - warriorwoman7824@yahoo.com - 57

Comments - of all the things I've ever lost, I miss my mind the most

Stefanie - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - I messed up 2 days ago...and go figure--i did it in the most obvious place. my stepmom is looking at my arm but she didn't say anything. it's my dad's birthday, i think that's why. heaven forbid disrupt anything again in this family. i feel so much better now--but one wasn't enough and i'm dying to do more and more...i can't believe i held out this long.

Anonamus - - 18

Comments - Right now, it is 3:19 am and i'm cutting myself. Why do i feel this way???...i just hate myself...so i try to focus on others to get my mind off myself!...but it doesn't work! I just wanna die...but i am so confused and depressed...can anyone help me???...please, help! my aim is swazeycrotty...give me encouragement and advice please!

Emily - Slinkstershortie@yahoo.com or Emdoll81987@aol.com - 17

Comments - hay everyone. ive been doing sooooo good. i went somwhere around 2 weeks with no cutting or anything... and then today... i decided to get a pass to the bathroom from my teacher. i really dont know why i even did it, i feel so dead inside and i cant talk to anyone about it. my entire forearm is so screwed up, and i am going to see my boyfriend in 2 weeks. if its not healed before then, im gonna be in soooo much trouble. if he sees it i dont know what hes gonna do, i mean... he has seen my arms, just my scars... never the whole thing. god why the hell am i so screwed up? what did i do that was so wrong? ok, i have to run, homeroom is ending soon and i have a few people to write back to. thanks for hearing me.

Stefanie - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - I feel like i'm in a cloud. Everything is so hazy--and it's as though my mind is blank. I tell myself that I shouldn't do it again, but my mind races for it and my body aches for it. I know my parents notice my scars, but I think they're too afraid to say something this time--probably hoping it's from work. I've gotten in the habit now that any scratches I get from work and breaking down boxes, I cut over them. It's easier to excuse them, but it still almost feels wrong to me. I look down at my scars and I feel bad. But as I sit here crying, thinking that my blades are only 3 feet away from me, it's becoming so tempting. I don't know why I feel like this, I was doing so good for so long, and now I'm just falling to pieces. I'm putting my boyfriend through hell, and I don't even have those kinds of feelings for him. We've been dating for 17 days now, he hasn't gotten a kiss and the mere thought of kissing him almost turns my stomach. I'm absorbed in flirting and sex with other guys--I just want to keep going and going. I want but don't want to fly out of control again. It's fun being the rebel and the troublemaker--my body is aching for drugs again too. I don't know what to do and I need someone to talk to that will understand me like this. None of my friends do and I'm sick and tired of hurting those that are closest to me but at the same time, I don't give a damn.

Miss_Sad18 - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Okay so its been a week today since the last time I did anything like si but I want it so much I can taste it. I tryed to cut the other day with a little pin but I would not bleed. I dont know whats wronge with me latly I just want to die. I am starting my medicine again this week but everyones telling me its a bad idea if I am not going to tell my parents. I have a history of overdosing and they dont want to see me do that again. I will never od again it does not work. I will research and plain it out so perfectly it will work. I only have two ideas right now both of which will work. I have to go know class is over. Please dont e-mail me my account is closed. Thanks

Anya - SapphireAngel827@aol.com - 16

Comments - My greatest comfort, my best friend there when I need a quick fix, but when will this end? My worst enemy eating me alive..the struggle continues yet I weaken as I strive. Will I ever live life again or will this be the end? Will I ever live life again and be able to reach out to a friend? Eating my past memories sickens me each day thats why I throw it up and beg for the pain to go away. My teeth are left decaying how beautiful they once were- my heart skips each beat-how i miss the beat that was once so pure-my face is gray and dull my death will soon prevail-for i tried hard and grown weary and my body has become frail. If I could stop this now- I'd give all there is to give-for I am to young to die and my life will remain unlived.

cherrice brown - resse21005@aol.com - 14

Comments - i try to tell them make them understand i wanna scream it out but i seem to hold it inside i wanna cry but i close my pain inside .my friends seem to tell me "You act differnet " but i tell them i dont . icant stand it i cant believe it i mean i stand in front of that razor and i cut my pain away i wish they could understand i wish i could make u see that because of you i destroy me.

destiny ray - backseat_bj@yahoo.com - 15

Comments - I cAnT tAkE iT nE more!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessica - surferchick@cheerful.com - 18

Comments - Hi..this is my first visit. I started cutting when I was 14, and stopped about 6 months ago, but I've started again. I've had a rough past, but things are betther now, and I don't know why I've resumed cutting. I cut myself 94 times a few days ago with a piece of glass. I've been diagnosed with bulima and depression, and I would be grateful of someone would e-mail me...I don't understand why I feel so out of control.

Emily - Slinkstershortie@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - hay, im so screwed up. i cut last night and i dont know why i was so sad. every little thing set me off. i was sobbing and i didnt know why. why am i so screwed up? why cant i just be normal?

Charanna - Living4Him27@hotmail.com - 15

Comments - All those who are struggling with Self Injury and are trying to recover YOU CAN DO THIS! On and off again I've cut. I want to stop NOW before it ruins my life again. You can do this. Don't let others think you can't. YOU CAN! Turn the Can't into Cans.

Divided2 - divided2@cox.net - 21

Comments - Who knows what this day will bring? Really, we shouldn�t know. The day will bring what is meant, regardless of our hopes and expectations. We must endure our trials without question. Live our lives without reservation. For we have no control on this day or how it will change us. We awake and immediately put on our masks. Our lying eyes that we hope will show people we are ok. Yet we are not. Why then can�t we hold true to who we are? What is it that we are afraid of showing? What is it that we fear? Why is it we are afraid to show our pain, our weakness. I fear them knowing these things. I am not as strong as I appear to be. I fear exposing myself to the world. So like the rest I again apply this mask of mine. This mask hides my pain and helps me express that which I want others to see. For I hope one day I can awake and accept this day. My mask will not be applied and I will show you who I truly am.

erica - fullamef@charter.net - 26

Comments - i've been cutting off and on now for awhile. today i realized something that scared me- sometimes i want to cut because my scars are fading. cutting has become a part of me and am afraid i might lose myself again.

erica - fullamef@charter.net - 26

Stefanie - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - My parents are being so difficult lately. It's so frustrating. Because they are so stressed out from health problems and work, I get the tail end. And it's like...*sigh* And then the other day, my stepmother and I were in wal-mart. And we were out of band-aids, so we were looking and I was insisting on different sizes while she was insisting on one. She just threw down the box she had in her hands and said, whatever it's your choice because you're always the one that's cutting yourself. And I haven't done it in a couple of weeks, and the scratches i have on my arms are from work/my cat. I don't know. She'll notice some of my cuts but she won't say anything. So I guess their threat to "put me away" isn't worth anything. That's good to know. I don't know. The urges are coming back more and more. And I hate seeing my scars disappear. I know how you feel. It's like, everything that's become so much of you is going away, it's fading. I love having scars. I hate not having them. the tiny ones on my wrist that I still have from my suicide attempts and the cutting are what I look at and touch nearly every day. They are a piece of me and always will me and the yearnings will always be there, even tho i may or may not necessarily want them there. i don't know, i just feel really messed up about all this again. i wish this wasn't all coming back. this is the last bit of drama that i don't need right now, because my work isn't going well right now. *sigh* i don't know what to do anymore. if someone wants to talk with me, my IM is fairiequeen951 on AIM

Stefanie - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - Did u burn where you cut? Mine sometimes turned black when it closed very very quickly. I don't know. You could also wedmd it or something. But maybe they need to be cleaned.

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - As most of you no I have been trying to stop si and I went almost a month without doing anything. Monday and Tuesday where hard days for me and I ended up doing stuff. I cut and burned my arms. I woke up yesterday and my arm hurt so much I could hardly move it. Then this morning I got up and parts of my arm is black. What does this mean and how can I make it go away? I cant get email so if you can just place a message on the wall. Thank you

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Sometimes I do burn and cut around the same place but not on top of each other. What does the burn cut thing have to do with my arm turning black?

Emily - Slinkstershortie@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - jennifer, its possible that the cut burn thing could be that you seared your skin underneath the cut if you were to burn over it, or cut over a burn. i think thats what stefanie was trying to get at by asking. im sorry that i cant help you anymore, but if i can think of anything i will try to get back to you. i hope you do better soon. stay safe. ~Emily~

Trever - punkonthepitch@hotmail.com - 17

Comments - I would like to apologize because i personally am not a serious self-injurer. However, i have done it a couple of times a while ago, and it is a problem with many people my age. Because of this i chose to research it for my sociology class and i now have to give a presentation. If anybody on here lives in the western washington area and would be willing to talk as part of my presentation, i would greatly aprecciate it. If you are interested or have any questions please email me or IM me. My sn is dblkickpedlneded. It would mean a lot to me if anybody responded.

Trever - punkonthepitch@hotmail.com - 17

Stefanie - phoebepo@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - I feel so defeated. I just broke up with my boyfriend because he doesn't want me to leave the state to deal with the issues with my mother that i have yet to face. So yeah, May 24th I'm leaving for Michigan, facing my mother and stepfather. I'm scared though because I don't know if i'm ready to do this. I'm afraid that if i go back, then everything that i haven't dealt with will come back and then I'll go back to my old ways again. I mean, I'm still struggling with cutting, but it's like I'm afraid that it'll all go out of control if I go back. But I have to face this sooner or later. The flight is already booked and everything so it's like I have to huh? *sigh* someone tell me i'm doing the right thing...

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - I do cut and burn on my arm but not like on top of each other. The cut area is no longer black but it still hurts more then it should. The burns are still black can anyone tell me why? I opened up to my new counselor yesterday about the cutting and the eating disorder. She wants to talk with my old counselor to see what happened when I seen her. Should I let her talk with the old counselor? I want help I just dont no how to get it. As I told one of my friends if I can feel better I want to live but if I have to deal with this depression much longer I want death- I will get death. Can anyone help me get out of this depression before I do something? Please send a message to the wall because I dont check my email very much. Thank you

Emily - Slinkstershortie@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - Stefani, i think that you should go and see your mother and whatever. i personally dont know exactly what is going on with the whole thing, but i think that you need to get your stuff sorted out before you can fully funtion with yourself. i dont know if that makes any sense to you, but im trying to tell you that i feel that you are doing the right thing. im sorry i couldnt be more help. ~Emily~

Emily - Slinkstershortie@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - Jennifer, im not sure what to tell you about why your burns are still black, or why your cuts still hurt so much. i really wish i could help people more, but i cant. the onlly thing i can think to say is that i think you should let your counslor talk to your old counslor. maybe they'll be able to help you in some way. maybe thats the thing you need to stay alive? im not sure if this is helping... but if you want you can email me or talk to me sometime. i hope to talk to you soon. ~Emily~

anakha - Xanakha@gmail.com - 19

Comments - My boyfriend gets upset when i cut, and i dont know how to explain it to him, he really wants to help me but i dont think he can, and i want him to be able to understand, and not be upset when i do it, have anybody else gone through this too, have you any suggestions

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - I am so scared of myself right now. I have been suicidal since Tuesday night. I ended up going out with friends Tuesday night to make sure I would not do anything. Then I went to a friends house that night and toke some pills home with me. Since then I have been hiding any pill that I can get and now I have 28 of the same type of pill. I was listening to the radio this morning and they were talking about this thing that can kill you if you drink if. I went into the kitchen and I have some. So now I have two different things I could use. Thats what scares me because only half of me wants to die the other half wants the help that I no I need. I dont no how to stop feeling this way. I am so sick of it. Someone please help me before its to late. If anyone can help please send the message to the wall because I cant check my email. Thanks

Stefanie - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - Jennifer--I've been in your shoes. Being with your friends Tuesday night after you felt suicidal shows that you don't want to die. Listen to the part that tells you to live, I know it's hard and almost unbearable some days but other days will be better. Don't take all the pills, whether or not you drink with certain medications, it can still have adverse effects. Please, don't hurt yourself like that. It's as bad as cutting--well duh, it's like worse because it causes permanent results. Be strong, i know you can do it.

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Thank you for the message. It has been unbearable latly, I just want to give up. Ok I wont take the pills but the thing I drink will kill me. I dont want to say what I will drink because I dont want to give other people ideas, but I no it will kill me. What did you mean by "it can still have adverse effects"? I am trying to get help before I do anything "stupid" but it seems like no one wants to listen or cares. Give me some advice please. I cant check my e-mail so please send a message on the wall. Thanks

Stefanie - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - What I meant was that whether or not you drink-I meant alcohol--that if you take a large amount of pills it'll affect your system badly. But if you drink with some medications (which I won't name--no need to give ideas) it'll almost definitely kill you. But since it seems that what you're not going to do is mix pills with alcohol, it doesn't really seem that important. But don't take the pills that you've saved up, and please don't drink whatever it may be. From reading your posts, you seem to be a beautiful girl, inside and out. Troubled, but beautiful. You will be missed, and don't make a mistake that you couldn't reverse. I know you're smarter than that. If you want someone to talk to, I live in California, I don't know how it relates to where you live, but I work during the daytime but you can always call-at any time. Let me know if you want my number.

Becky - Becky_9259@yahoo.com - 17

Comments - I've been a si for I would say ever since my dad left me and I think even longer, I was 9 yrs old. I don't know why I hate myself so much but I do. I almost had a OD last summer ever since then I've been on meds. On Thursday night I was so upset because of the fact that my mom is always nagging and just making me not wanna go on, I started cutting and that's the only thing that can make me feel better. Although I wish that I could find another way to solve my problems. I also would of ended up in the Hospital again but this time I would of taken pills until I was dead, somehow I stoped myself from doing it. Life can be good but when will I find it? There is something which makes me so unhappy and makes me wanna Die. I don't know why. The Worst thing of all is that I have a 15 month old nephew which is in the hospital, he has been there for about a week because he has nimonia and doesn't seem to be getting better, he mightht need surgey it's a most likely thing. That tears me up inside I only wish that it would be me instead of it being with great passion. If anyone wants to talk feel free to write!

alli - - - 14

Comments - i've been a SI 4 3 yrs. i no of about 20 others @ my school. people think i can't REALLY understand wut it's like to b stressed b/c i'm only 14. but i do. i cutt all the time. it's part of my life. i tried to stop..... but started again. i just can't do it. 1 of my friends who is not a SI won't talk to me know b/c i do it. it's so hard!!!!! anyone have the same problems?? plese reply...... thx

alli - - - 14

Julie - angel_devil84@breakthru.com - 20

Comments - I cut myself when I can't handle the pressure of not cutting. I want to cut often to make everything go away, but then people look at my like I'm a freak, they yell at me that I'm stupid for doing this to my body. So I have to fight off my cutting to keep my place within my friends and family. I have to hide the scars, I can now only expose them if I'm alone so that they don't disturb people surrounding me. Now I'm hiding a part of myself and I'm losing myself by hiding. What should I do now?

Stefanie - phoebepo3@yahoo.com - 18

Comments - I know how that is, I lost so many of my friends when they found out about my cutting. They were scared that i was doing it, they didn't understand why i was doing it, so they just left. Sort of turn your head the other way. Most of them still don't talk to me today--despite that this for the most part is over...but whatever i guess

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Last night was so hard for me. I almost toke the pills. I got them out of there hiding place and got the thing I was going to drink (that would kiill me). I sat there about to start ending my life but something stopped me. I dont know what it was but for the first time in years I felt peace. I started to cry because I dont want to die I just want the pain to stop. I released how much help I do need. I put away the pills and pulled out my bible. I started to pray and asked God to help me. I dont know if this will help but I am not ready to die. I still feel depressed and hopeless but I am going to try to get the help I need. Right now I am at school and I have the 38 pills in my pocket. I am going to a friends house after school and I want to give them to her so I dont try doing anything with them. I am scared that someone will find out and I will get kicked out of school for having the pills. But I need to get them away from me.

alli - - 14

Comments - good 4 u!! i tried to commit suicide twice, but failed both times, now i just si. throw out the pills !!! (that's wut i did) i felt like i wanted to get more 4 like a week, then it got better.good luck!!

alli - - 14

Comments - hey julie- some friends of mine have discovered a way to not show the scars- if u have long hair, wear those rubber band things around ur wrists. when u feel like cutting n theres ppl around, just snap them hard (it really works in a pinch). or if u already have scars from sliting ur wrists, wear alot of braclets or smthing. also smthing 4 everyone- if ur trying to stop cutting, try filling a bowl w/ ice n freezing water n freezing ur hands. i herd it workes (havent tried it myself)

Julie - angel_devil84@breakthru.com - 20

Comments - Thx Alli I'll try the elastic trick when there is people around. It's not only my wrist that I have to hid its also all my arms and stomach, the more time pass the more i cut, soon you wont see anything but the scars if I go on. Why can't people understand that we are not that different from them. I'm going to do a documentary on self-injury for my film class to try and make people understand what self-injury is really about.

Julie - angel_devil84@breakthru.com - 20

Comments - Well like I said I'm making a documentary on self-injury and i want to put peoples experience in it, in a letter sort of way so i would really appreciate it if someone would email me and sent me their experience or just their thoughts on self-injury, it can be anonyme or not i would like an age range since i would like to show that its not only teenager that self-injure, you can add a picture too if you want. Anyway thank you in advance

Jesse Wheatly - buymeanewlife@yahoo.com - 19

Comments - I've been doing self-injury for almost nine year now and I don't know anyone who understands me. I joined this site to meet people like me. I've tried relationships but they've all failed due to the fact of missunderstandings. If you would like to talk to me you can e-mail or add me to your messenger.

alli - -- - 14

Comments - i tottaly understand how u feel. we all do. that's why we come here. the only thing i can do is tell u that ur not alone!!

alli - -- - 14

Comments - i tottaly understand how u feel. we all do. that's why we come here. the only thing i can do is tell u that ur not alone!!

Kathy - ehcysp73@yahoo.com - 31

Comments - This is my first time here. I have been at it since I was in my mid teens. My parents never knew. I was married for 10 years before I ever told my husband. I was always very careful and discreet. He always bought my stories about accidents. He once bought me an electric razon because he thought I was the worlds worst shaver, lol. He's been very patient with me and supportive not judmental a true blessing but I hate that he's the only one I can unload on. That he has to go to work and worry about me. Now, there is a lot of guilt attached to my cutting, guilt because it makes him sad. Truth be told, I think I should be allowed to cut and I know that's sick. But I feel like of all the things I've done to myself cutting has been the least damaging. For instance, I'm a compulsive/binge eater...god only knows what that has done to my body. I used to be a smoker, again..not good for me. Pot, diet pills, prozac, drinking..really bad for me. I feel like all I'm damaging is the outer layer of skin so what's the big deal? I've never required stitches or so much as had an infected cut. I understand why I do it, for the endorphins, so it's self medication. Medication made by my body for my body, but I can't do it because I don't want people to think I'm crazy. Also, I don't want my kids to think this is the way to get through bad times. I just broke through a 3 day attack of wanting to cut. For 3 days I fought the urge and then finally I reached out for help from my husband and he helped talk me down from it. Sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice, but he reminded me I do have a choice.

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - My mom looked at my arms last night and could tell that I had done more since the last time she seen them. Its been a week and one day since I have done anything but nothing looks new to me. I tryed telling her that I have not done anything since January (last time in er)but she knows am lieing. It was late last night when she noticed so she said we would talk about it more today. Back in January she told me if I did anything else I would be out of the house so I am scared that I wont have anywhere to stay. A friend told me I could stay with her but I dont want to be another persons problem. I just started feeling better about myself this week and then this comes up. Right now I am fighting the feelings of wanting to cutting again. I am trying so hard not to give into the feelings but I am scared that I will do something. I cant get back on before Monday so I will write back then. Thanks

alli - -- - 14

Comments - i did that 2. i told my parents that i had stopped, n they flipped that i would EVER THINK of doing si. but that just made me pissed so i still do it.

alli - -- - 14

Comments - question- i there r SO many of us on here (just read the previous messages, there r like 200) SO many of us struggle w/ this problem/condition, then why is the world still ignorant about it. i mean, why do ppl still whisper about cutting themselves? why can't any1 talk about us?? WHY? i've been to ALOT of sites where there r lots of si-s, ok- so every1 can talk n laugh about drugs, but as soon as cutting comes up everyone is quiet. wut's the deal?? (i'm srry, just a LITTLE pissed) someone found out about me today, n promptly threatened to report me. why? i don't know. there r 200 hundred kids in my 8th grade, 15 of us do it. ok- i'm done ranting n raving,i'll shut up now.... but does anyone feel the same way?? thx

Julie - angel_devil84@breakthru.com - 20

Comments - I cut for many different reason but like today I cut 5 times in one day, i had to leave school to cut then go back. I feel like I earned every cut I have, whether its because I failed a test, got a grade lower than 80% or because I said something I shouldnt have said. Cutting is my punishment against myself. I cut, I don't eat and I don't sleep. I know that I'm like totally ruining my health but i feel thats the only thing that I can do since I'm not worth anything. I totally hate myself and everything I represent. Everytime I even write on this board I cut after because who am I to babble for no damn reason. People have it worst so why should I even take space up when the space should be left for people who need it more. All I feel like doing is cutting and jumping down a bridge. I'm not afraid of height and it would solve everything wouldnt it?

alli - -- - 14

Comments - don't kill urself!! i mean ur gonna hate me 4 saying this, but it just might get better. i tried to kill myself twice, n it did'nt make me feel any better (obviously , i'm still here) listen- u r a wonderful creation of god. he did'nt make u to b perfect. but don't go so far as to end ur own life. when i waned to kill myself i talked to others who had the same feelings. 1 of my friends accually planned to kill herself w/ me. but i've found that talking about it makes u realize that ur not all alone. SOMEONE in the world loves u more than anything. u mean the world to someone. just remeber.... how many ppl would be hurt if u were gone? i kno i have no right to talk about this, n i'm probably not helping, but i want to let u kno that I care about u. i don't know u, wut u look like, where u live, any of that- but i KNOW that there r ppl that love u. PLEAZE take my word 4 it, OK?? (here i am being optimistic, n tomorrow i'll probably b on here complaining about something..... ih , wut a hypocrit!)

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - The thoughts have been out of control this week and its been so hard to fight them. I gave into them last night and cut myself for the first time in two weeks. Last night was the first time in 2 years that I cut my legs, it hurts more then cutting on my arms. Why is that? The cuts on my legs bleed more then most of the cuts on my arms did. I started throwing up again this week as well. I thought I had the eating disorder stuff under control but last week I stopped eating again. Then two days ago my parents noticed and made me eat so I got sick. It seems to me as soon as I start feeling better about myself something brings me down and makes me wonder all over again. Somethings always making me question my life. Its so hard to life this way. Will I ever change? Will I ever be happy again? Will I end my life to end this pain? Please someone give me advice. I still cant get e-mail so if you can help please post a message on the wall. Thanks

Danielle - vindicated4514@yahoo.com - 15

Comments - I have been hurt and abused in the past, and the biggest mistake I have made was letting those times affect me now. I have let them get inside me, to the point of self-injury. And, I just dont know what to do anymore...: /

alli - -- - 14

Comments - jenn- i know how u feel, n alot of us do. just don't give up. you'll make it through. u said urself that u did 2 weeks. thats great!! just get up n try again!! i don't know how many times i've relapsed, to many to count. but it gets easier after a while.good luck!!

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - Thanks alli. I no that I can get up and try again but sometimes I just want to give in. I have been doing this for at least 5 years and I dont want to deal like this anymore. I dont know what else to do. I have tryed everything to change but I always end up doing it again. How can I change? Will things ever change?

Danielle - vindicated4514@yahoo.com - 15

Comments - Alright. So, my parents have just recently taken away the only thing I had left to call my own--My music. They pulled me out of band AND chorus. Now, as silly as it sounds, this breaks my heart. I loved singing in front of people, it took away the stress and calmed me, in a way. Another thing, about 3 months ago, I told my mom I would stop cutting and I did. For the last 2 and a half months I have not cut, I have been faithful. But, after a while, I just couldnt take it anymore...I dont know what it was. My mind just took over and told my hands what to do. I took my eyeliner sharpener and took it apart as to get the blades. From that point until I woke up the next morning, I was numb. I satrred at my arm to see what I had done, I was relieved at first, knowing that I still had the guts to help myself. But then, I became extremely dissapointed--I started asking myself, "what happens if my mom finds out?", "Why did I break my promise?", "Why do I keep dissapointing people?" They kept running through my head, over and over and over again. I made sure to cut somewhere my mom wouldnt see, so I carved on my thigh. I've done that before, so there are scars piled ontop of scars. I've cut about 30+ times since that night. I feel bad, I broke my promise to my family. But, if I tell them, they'll probably send my away to some institution somwhere. I just need help, I guess, and a lot of it.

alli - -- - 14

Comments - HELP!! my friends were really worried about me when they found out that i si. i did'nt want to hurt them, so i lied n said i would stop. n i did, 4 like 2 weeks. then my parents got mad at me again, n that broke me. i started si again. my friend found out that i lied to her, n got pissed. i don't really blame her. so i REALLY commited to stoping this time. i gave her my blades. she n i both no that i can get more easily, but it's sort of a sybolic thing. so- ive been good for 1 1/2 weeks, n my scabs have almost all faded. it bothers me to see them fade. they r SO a part of me, n it's hard to let them go. someone help me!!

Mckenzie - SoPrettyBurn1ng@aol.com - 14

Comments - i don't knoe wat to do with my life... i've tryed to stop cutting and it works for bout a month then i start up again, and then i did one thing i really regret doing.... i promised my boyfriend i wouldn't cut anymore....i broke that promise to him once...he almost broke up with me...i don't want to hurt him that way again... i need help i don't knoe how to stop and i need to seriously..before it's too late. if u guys have any advice e-mail or im me at soprettyburn1ng@aol.com

Jennifer - Miss_Sun_Shin67@hotmail.com - 18

Comments - I hate feeling this way. I went a day short of 2 weeks without cutting when I cut last week but since then I have had a hard time. Last night I cut alot. The first couple cuts hurt just like they should but it got less and less painful as I cut. Soon my arm was numb and the cuts got deeper but I couldn't stop. By the time I stopped there was countless new cuts on my arm, some of them are still bleeding. How do I know if I need stiches? I need some advice but cant check my email so please post on the wall thanks.

Kaitlin - kecat99@aol.com - 13

Comments - omg i need help! i just started cutting awhile ago and it has gotten worse and worse. I haven't done it for 10 days now but its still really hard everyday i want to cut more and more but i try to resist and its working so far but my scars are starting to dissapear and i jsut want to make new ones so they'll always be there.My friend keeps threatenting to tell but she never does and shes always asking me why i do it and i try to explain it to her but she never understands and then she gets annoyed with me. She actually told me once that she felt as if she had to walk on egg shells whenever she was around me so i wouldn't do it in my next class. Once i was so desparate to do cut that i actaully took a staple out of the bulletin board and used that! i need help.

alli - -- - 14

Comments - kaitlin- i kno exactly how u feel (i go to skool w. u!) anyway- i just wanted u to kno that i'm here 4 u to talk to anytime u need to. i've been through this for a long time, n i still don't understand it all. but i have gotten good advice from ppl here, n other i kno. so- talk to me, it can b on here if u want to, but just get it out. it's better to talk about it then keep it bottled up inside. good luck!!

Kaitlin - - 13

Comments - omg yesterday i was making dinner for easter and i was slicing and peeling potatoes and i cut both my fingers! technically it wasn't my fault the potatoes were jsut slippery. I have been good and not cut for 2 weeks now and when i cut my self sccidentally with the knife it felt sooo good i jsut wanted to do it again and again! but of course i couldn't cuz i had company over and then when the camp job i really wanted got rejected and i found out about it yesterday it was awful. I hate my life. In spanish we r doind these projects where we have theses eggs that r supposed to be our freinds and i resembled mine after me and it commited suicide twice if only it would work when i tried it *SIGH* i am writing this book and in the book i get hit by a car, but i don't die and i really wish that would happen to me in real life except i DO die. omg i hate my life!

Kaitlin - - 13

Comments - i first started cutting a couple months ago and i was a little influenced by my friend who has been doing it since she was nine. I never really knew she did it until she moved away and we talked on the phone everyday. It didn't really bother me even thought she had tried to kill herself 16 times and she always did it even when i was on the phone with her. It wasn't until this school year started that i actually started to think baout doing it and i started getting more and more depressed. My friends would ocasionally stop me in the hall and ask me if i was ok and i would just tell then that i was tired. I first started by using rubber bands and never thought i would ever start cutting. i always thought it was such a bad thing since people never wanted to talk about it. When i started i realized i had reached and all time low and cutting was like pulling me out of a hole that had no end. Every day things seemed to get worse and i would just cut more when i got home. It wasn't until i started cutting in plain sight instead of on my ankles that i realized that i was just getting lower and lower. Cutting helps a lot and i really don't wnat to stop but my friends are getting worried and if my friend that influenced me to start would tell and she did once. only her mom (thankfully) didn't believe her. but now some of my other friends that know are threatening to tell and after my suicide attempt at the beginning of the year my parents would come down really hard on me and i would have to go back to this creepy shrink. My best friend has told me that i worries her that i do something so unhealthy but it hasn't really sunk in until now. I really didn't mean to worry her but cutting really helps more than other things that i have tried! Today a headache that i have had for 2 weeks now came back and when my friend gave me some advil at school i wanted to go home and eat a whole bottle of pain killers so i would get sick and die or at least go to the hospital. but even though i really want to commit suicide i can't knowing that i would hurt so many people. the last thing i want to do is hurt my friends but i probably already have by starting to cut.

Kaity - nikkipoolover2@yahoo.com - 16

Comments - Okay-I have been cutting for about 1 year and 3 months. I started doing it because the love of my life broke up with me. The only problem there is: He raped me too. I loved this guy (and still do with all of my heart) and no body (even me) could believe that i still loved him even after what he did to me. I just cant let him go. But anywho, We went out from the middle of January (last year) till September 10th of last year. We were so cute together and I would (still do) do anything for him. Thats why i started cutting. The feeling it gave me made it feel like all the burdens were gone. I love it and i am gonna do it till i die. Well thats all for now.

meg - mmoe@surfmk.com - 13

Comments - i just got mout of a pschy ward and im having a really hard time all i think about is cutting any suggestens please please please e me i need help!

Jane - - 15

Comments - I have been a self-injurer for one year now and I feel so ashamed to say it . I feel so left out with my mom she is always saying how pretty my little

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