Bulletin
Board
Self-Therapy For People Who ENJOY Learning About Themselves
Relationships, whether they involve our families, friends, or even with
ourselves, are always changing. Here, we're sharing our thoughts, experiences
and feedback on any of the relationships topics on this site. The goal is to
learn from each others mistakes and accomplishments.
After reading this, please share your experiences,
insights, or self-therapy tips.
| Name - Nickname - Email Address |
Relationships Bulletin Board: HealthyPlace.com Relationships Community
| Debby - lucy402a@yahoo.com | | Comments - My boyfriend, of three months, and I seem to be having a major communication problem. I get frustrated when I don't understand him and he belittles me into trying to understand him. For example, he may ask me a question and if I don't answer it using the words that he wants me to use he will tell me I don't care or I am wierd and he will add that there must be something wrong with me. He does not fit into the passive/aggressive profile but I am concerned that the way he speaks to me is edging towards Emotional Abuse. I really need a realistic answer. Thanks for you input. Debby |
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| Angel - angelkmml@aol.com | | Comments - I was surprised (and saddened) to discover that so many women share similiar problems concerning their significant other. My boyfriend and I were once so close, and now I find that we have a problem communicating with each other. We wind up arguing about even insignificant things. It's discouraging, frustrating, and heart-breaking to see our relationship fall apart practically against our own will. We also have a young son, and I don't want our arguments to affect him. Finding this site has shown me some possible ways for beginning to repair the gap of communication that plagues my little family of three. |
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| BERTHA FULLER - CHESTERNAPOLA@YAHOO.COM | | Comments - MY HUSBAND IS A HEAVY DRINKER BUT, HE TELLS ME THAT HE DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM AND HE DOES NOT NEED HELPAND IT HAS CAUSED ALOT OF PROBLEMS IN OUR FAMILY AND HE WOULD USE THE LAST OF OUR MONEY TO BUY A CASE OF BEER FOR HIM AND NOT WORRING ABOUT IF THE CHILDREN ARE GONNA EAT OR IF THE BILLS ARE GONNA BE PAIDAND I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HIM FROM TIME TO TIME AND WHEN HE IS DRUNK IS THE TIME HE WANTS TO MAKE LOVE OR SPEND TIME WITH ME. I ALSO BELIEVE THAT HE IS HAVING AN AFFARIE WITH THE 18 YEAR OLD IN OUR HOUSE BECAUSE SHE KNOWS TOO MANY THINGS ABOUT HIM THAT I KNOW AND THAT INCLUDES MARKS ON HIS BODY AND SPECIAL MEMORIES THAT WE HAVE SHARED TOGETHER BUT, WHEN I ASK HIM ABOUT HER, HE GETS ALL MAD BECAUSE I AM ACCUSING HIM OF SLEEPING WITH HER AND HE TOLD ME IF IT DID HAPPEN THAT HE WAS DRUNK AT THE TIME. I AM SO CONFUSED ABOUT HIS CONDITION AND HOW TO HANDLE HIM FROM TIME TO TIME. PLEASE CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. |
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| BERTHA FULLER - CHESTERNAPOLA@YAHOO.COM | | Comments - MY HUSBAND IS A HEAVY DRINKER BUT, HE TELLS ME THAT HE DOES NOT HAVE A PROBLEM AND HE DOES NOT NEED HELPAND IT HAS CAUSED ALOT OF PROBLEMS IN OUR FAMILY AND HE WOULD USE THE LAST OF OUR MONEY TO BUY A CASE OF BEER FOR HIM AND NOT WORRING ABOUT IF THE CHILDREN ARE GONNA EAT OR IF THE BILLS ARE GONNA BE PAIDAND I DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HIM FROM TIME TO TIME AND WHEN HE IS DRUNK IS THE TIME HE WANTS TO MAKE LOVE OR SPEND TIME WITH ME. I ALSO BELIEVE THAT HE IS HAVING AN AFFARIE WITH THE 18 YEAR OLD IN OUR HOUSE BECAUSE SHE KNOWS TOO MANY THINGS ABOUT HIM THAT I KNOW AND THAT INCLUDES MARKS ON HIS BODY AND SPECIAL MEMORIES THAT WE HAVE SHARED TOGETHER BUT, WHEN I ASK HIM ABOUT HER, HE GETS ALL MAD BECAUSE I AM ACCUSING HIM OF SLEEPING WITH HER AND HE TOLD ME IF IT DID HAPPEN THAT HE WAS DRUNK AT THE TIME. I AM SO CONFUSED ABOUT HIS CONDITION AND HOW TO HANDLE HIM FROM TIME TO TIME. PLEASE CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. |
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| Tim - timhill64@hotmail.com | | Comments - how do u chat up a gay bloke in a bar and what would u say. i am 19 years old and who is gay but have no gay friends at college can u help me as soon as possible . i live in sunderland at a special college and come home once every month .i have joined a group in Newcastle called messmac who visit gay clubs and bars but i don't know how to chat up a bloke and was wondering if you could help me thank you for your time
tim hill |
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| Abby - irishwind56@hotmail.com | | Comments - I have a question, and I'm not sure what the answer is.
The man I'm currantly with keeps ending up in close emotional relationships with other women. He tells me they are just friends, but from how he discribes them, it has a "feel" of something more. When he tells me about them, he uses terms that I consider to be "couple terms".
Very often I end up getting extreemly angry and hurt by this aparent need he has to seek out other women for close relationships.
We used to be able to talk about everything, but since this started happening, the only thing that seems to remain between us is sex.
Can you give me any insite from an objective place as to what is going on?
thanks. |
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| Kathy Lloyd - kathy082666@aol.com | | Comments - For the past eleven years I've lived with my "functional" alcoholic husband. The funny thing is, he just announced last week he's leaving me because he's tired of my complaining about his drinking. The irony of it all is that more than a dozen times, I've wanted to leave him. I am terrified and scared, but I know this will be for the best. My 9 year old son (by this marriage)is my biggest concern. I tend to cling to these types of men that are so much like my father was (he's deceased). My father was an alcoholic too. I'm also worried that I have a problem and I don't know where to start to resolve these issues in my head. I'm sure it's mised guilt and anger. Any help you could provide would be greatly appreciated. I don't feel I'm healthy enough to get into another relationship now or any time in the near future.
Kathy
Columbus, Ohio
X-wife of an alcoholic |
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| Michael Ferrone - mferrone@capecod.net | | Comments - This a a great site. Thanks for the time and efort that you've dedicated to offer help to a larger community. Generally, i'm not a letter writer. But, your site has inspired me.
I'm dealing with a relationship issue with a woman who has a drinking problem. She can't manage her alcohol consumption, drinks too much, and then becomes abusive. She rails against my ex and three adult children. Her bitter, angry invectives focus on the attention that I give them. The next day she's all apologetic and I forgive her. In between these 'episodes' we have a caring, loving relationship.
Of course, there are extenuating circumstances that add context and texture to this story. Suffice it to say that your emphatic suggestion to NOT accept apologies struck home. By staying in this relationship, I only co-opted her bad behavior. I deserve better and take responsibility for my co-dependency. Her behavior was so grossly bad that I failed to understand that it had little to do with me. Ironically, my behavior was only empowering her behavior and, by honoring it in a perverse sort of way, I was only assuring repetitive behavior. My dependency precluded my abilty to accept the possibilty that, in the long term, this relationship was not going to work.
She has begun therapy and I've identified a therapist for my work. That's the good news.
So here I am, dealing with the hurt, accepting the reality that an interdependent relationship requires: two adults emotionally healthy enough to identify problems; individual acceptance of personal responsibilty for the dysfunction in the relationship; and, willingness to do the hard work, or not.
I only wish that there was a state of relationship option that existed between connected(going together) and disconnected(letting go). If there is willingness to separate by both parties in order to provide space for individual work, is couples therapy redundant, or self defeating? How is the friendship component best played out?
Thanks for listening and any comments are welcome.
Michael Ferrone
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| Carolyn - cmeehan@nmia.com | | Comments - I really enjoyed reading what you have posted on the web. Why would a person not give love in an intimate relationship? It went from great to moved out no talk about it. He made the decision. He'd just get very angry when he tried to talk about it. I had though it was maybe the result of a previous "bad" relationship. He actually told me that I was wanting too much, to play too much of a role in this. Now I feel as if I am likely better off without him. Yet he says how horribly he misses me and my little dog. You bet. I cleaned cooked, gardened, washed clothes and dishes I think it may be time to say good riddance. |
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| angela - angelamgannon@msn.com | | Comments - your words are inspiring.i dont know why i am refusing to take the wisdom into my mind. |
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| kjonna - jonna311@yahoo.com | | Comments - I need help. I am v.emotionally immature. I dont seem to be able to deal with reality if it differs from what I want. I am good professionally and with people I work with. This happens only in relationships and love. I fall in love easily and get hurt very badly. Each time I have to face the truth that I am alone, I react, I make me unhappy and others too. Please help me understand emotional maturity and tell me how to develop it. I cannot go on like this anymore. |
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| missy - kerima330@msn.com | | Comments - need to speak with someone in a relationship with alki/sociopath with antisocial behavior, he has tried to quit alcohol, now he stopped his paxil, was drinking with paxil/zoloft for 3+ years and has heart condition
need to get out of this broken relationship since i don't believe anything even his love for me will keep it together |
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| rudy Campos - rivalcard@aol.com | | Comments - can you give me ideas about what to talk to your gf about. |
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| Maria - donyamaria1@aol | | Comments - You have some excellent information in your articles. I have been taking better responsibility for setting healthy boundaries on myself and others. Your site has also helped me to prepare for a promising new relationship that I am developing, something I haven't experienced in a very long time. Thank you for your insight and wisdom. |
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| Kathy Erb - grannykathy@sympatico.ca | | Comments - Hi Dr;
I have been reading stuff from your website and about your book. I would like to ask your opinion of something of my situation; as I learn more on your stuff on relationships.
My boyfriend of 2 yrs, and who is 2 yrs younger than me, has moved back home several months ago in another city (where he grew up) thus leaving our relationship somewhat rocky ( I have since been diagnosed with BPD and Abandonment issues/lifetraps). He has never been married and never been in a relationship at all. I was his first girlfriend and we are in our mid-to-late 40s now. I have been in 2 marriages and have 3 children of who are almost grown up. My boyfriend is at odds with himself about what he wants to do in life, career-wise. Nothing he has done has worked out for long. He has been in business for himself, retail and marketing and hi-tech, He has always lived at home except the 3 yrs he lived in my city where we met and fell in love. But he moved back home 11 months ago with both his mom and dad who are both strong avid christians and he has become an active one as well this past yr. He likes to write short stories and poetry so is working on trying to get some published and will be attending bible college in Sept part time as well as driving a school bus part time. He drives and owns his own vehicle. He does not believe he has a commitment problem; (to me). He says he is just living at home because he can't afford to live elsewhere. He did fine while he lived in my city (with a roommate) for 3 yrs before the roommate moved away.
I have also been told our relationship is toxic. The last few times he has visited me (6 hr drive) I have broken down and have become hospitalized due to my BPD and suicide attempts. I was abused as a child and am not close to any of my siblings or parents.
Can you plse expand on toxic relationships (his moving away and my subsequent breakdowns)and also why a grown man in his 40s prefers to live at home with his parents (he is the eldest of 6 siblings). Could his parents be holding him back as well? Thanks a lot. Kathy, grannykathy@sympatico.ca
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| susan - susanshaw@webtv.com | | Comments - I met a person online, whom I fell in love with, they told me they felt the same. Spending days, hours talking, now this person has found they need a life away from the computer, that means a life without me basically.
Feel suicidal, alone and very depressed, will this person ever fully understand what they have done to me?
Playing with peoples emotions, peoples lives, I think some people should think what they are doing, it may be a computer screen, but behind it is a person with feelings, emotions, I feel I will never get over this.
It has ruined my life.
Susan .
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| ameera - ameeramac@hotmail.com | | Comments - I am an adult survivor of incest, having been in therapy for three years now. However, my life follows a terrible pattern when it comes to relationships. I seem to be drawn to, and also to invite into my life people who invariable have serious problems with intimacy, and/or taking responsibility for their short-comings. This would not be a problem in and of itself, as I am willing to accept people as they are. However, in these trigger relationships, I am almost blamed for the deterioration of the relationship, and/or the problem, and even though I am an intelligent, adult, and I know that I am not responsible for other peoples behavior I instinctively fall into the role of trying to convince this person that they are to blame, and I am not, and also trying to get them to take responsibility for their behavior. I am at a lost as to how to stop this negative, self-defeating behavior. I believe I want these people to take responsibilty for their behavior like my mother and father never would, but I am so tired of repeating the past.
Any advice for someone stuck in limbo? |
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| Ann Marie - abiondo@west.com | | Comments - I'll keep this brief. I have been in a 1 1/2 year relationship with my boyfriend David who drinks. He's 45, no children. We have been off more than on because of issues with drinking, but ultimately we always got back together...then we have an episode (argument over drinking) and break up.
Very recently, while we were apart, I met someone and began dating them. He found out. He was devastated. I guess he always thought I'd be here for him because that's what the scenario has always been. He apologizes, promises to be better, and we're back to the same old thing.
Well I'm not dating that person anymore. I am not dating David either but we do speak on the phone. He wants to date me again. He wants things to be different. He swears he's committed to making our relationship work.
He assures me that today he is not drinking heavily...and has cut back on drinking. He is not ready to stop drinking altogether. An occasional beer with dinner, a glass of wine...but he says it was just one, then he switched to soda.
I believe he is an alcoholic who shouldn't drink at all. He believes he's an alcoholic, but he believes if he has a glass of wine on a special occassion then that's ok.
It's not ok with me. So what kind of an alcoholic he believes he is...I don't know.
He is attending AA meetings and was seeing a counselor for quite some time. I am very confused by his way of thinking and it saddens me to think he believes he can still have a drink once in awhile. AA teaches no drinking...period. I ask him "what makes him think he's the exception to the rule". I believe he thinks he's the exception because he believes he doesn't have a problem...not like those people in AA who really have a problem.
So I'm writing you to ask for some advice. He wants to be with me but I don't want to keep repeating the same sceanrio again. Do I give up because he's in denial? Do I attend AA meetings with him? Should I wake up and smell the coffee? Will he get better now that he's going to AA? Or is he just going to appease me. Is he not ready to stop so AA won't work because of his mindset? I need some advice.
Thank you.
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| P. Emery - pollymary@aol.com | | Comments - End of a 24 year relationsip, at 82, following serious surgery, improving remarkably, but mentally, a hard thing to adapt to. Built on the enjoyment of simple pleasures, and shared interests and friends, as well as trust..monogamous until wealthy younger person enters the scene and replaced me. |
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| Ade - adetola1@hotmail.com | | Comments - I met a wonderful man around December 2002. He appeared kind and his philosophy was good. I was charmed by him and expressed my true feelings for him. My emotions got the best and eventually the worst of me. I could not control my emotions because I felt they were right and true. He hated my attitude and eventually scorned me. For 7 months, I begged him everyday and became obsessed with him. Then, I decided to seek therapy but gave up because I believe I am the owner of my mind and can gain control of my emotions. I then decided to read your article on different types of love and some of the "symptoms" for infatuation applied to me. This further reinforced my belief that I could rein my feelings and allow this energe to disperse. I take each day as it comes and believe that I could still regain friendship with this man because I do honestly love him and wish only the best for him. It's taken me a long time but I am now beginning to feel free. |
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| Melissa - gapchicka@hotmail.com | | Comments - Hello, I do have a problem...my best friend (who is a gay man) and I are going through our share of problems...He told one of our friends that we "got too close" and now he's trying to back away from me. He means so much to me and it hurts a lot to know what he's doing without my consent. He's quite difficult to live with, I can't talk to him about emotional things because he's not that kind of person that deals with emotion very well. As for our friendship, we did get too close maybe, but he was fully aware of it too. He said to our friend (who doesn't know about him being gay) "there are things that i'm not proud of and i'm changing. You don't know the whole story." and she just shrugged and let it go. I just am so lost right now. I really would like us to be friends, even if it isn't the way it used to be, but as long as he knows that he can trust me. |
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| Debbie - Mallory@fuse.net | | Comments - I have been in a relationship for 5 years. I live with my significant other (in HIS house) and drive HIS car. He pays all the bills. Here is the dilemma. I work 50 hours a week for a president of a company. My boyfriend is a contractor and works rarely. He likes to spend the end of each day at a bar with his friends (he has a lot of them). However, as soon as I get off work I am supposed to come home for dinner (which he has cooked). I never, never get any free time. I am either working or at home with him. He gets to play most of the day and hit the bars at 5 p.m. I am told not to hang at bars because I will get a bad reputation. He pays for everything and I feel I have no leverage, no say. When I challenge him about the bars he says that I am giving him "shit." I need to breathe. What do you say? |
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| Brandi Mills - qtpy05@hotmail.com | | Comments - My boyfriend or ex boyfriend moved to Kansas today, I love him so very much and i know that i am meant to be with him. I have known him for 8 years. There was always something there between us but we were always at different points in our lives. He would be with somebody and i was "too young." i am 18 he is 24. he will be 25 in December. i want to be with him so bad that it hurts so much. I really love him alot.I know that i am meant to be with him i can feel it in my heart and in my bones something just tells me that everthing will be okay. I just don't know how to deal with it right now because i'm hurting.I'm scared that i will never going to see him again. I told him that but he told me that we will see each other again. I just want him to realize that we are meatn to be together. It makes me so upset because i told him that we are meant ot be together and he said well if we are meant to be together then we'll be together. I want to be with him so bad right now but i have to show him that i am a strong independt young woman. Someone please tell me what i should do!!!!!! please!!!!! |
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| laura carroll - oceanbird@juno.com | | Comments - hello, i've read through all the steps that youve layed out and I've given thought to them. I think I understand my problems with my partner but I also do not seem to be able to find the courage to discuss it as we have been down this road so many times and always to no avail. It feels like the answer is separation and this scares me. We have been married for 13 yrs. My partner tells me that he is willing to be more interested in things that interest me, be more communicative etc. but this is only when he is in fear of "losing" me. I have realized that we are very different people and we'll always be this way...It's not that i don't love him, it's that I dont know if we are good partners together. He doesnt inspire me at all,nor does he seem truely interested in figuring out how to do that. he tells me that i need to figure myself out, I need to do this and do that....if i tell him im thinking, he tells me thats not productive enough and i should be talking to someone...then he'll be patient and understanding of my need to have time to figure things out, but then he'll explode from the frustration of having to do this. this scares me...i have not sought therapy this time (its the 2nd time weve been "here" we were separated for a yr, 2 yrs ago) because i feel like i just want to see if this is something that i can or cannot accept...and i have been very quiet and i have been distant, but it's just me trying to think...i asked him for 10 yrs. to pay attn to the quality of our marriage to no avail, and he is complaining of the last 5 months....needlesstosay, we are not physically intimate, a fact which i understand upsets him greatly...and is probably more at the source of his problem. i feel like if i was physically intimate with him, he would n't notice how unhappy i am in other ways and it's because his needs are not being met that he is suddenly so upset.
?????????
the thought of gettting separated again? with the kids...is very upsetting to me and i think part of what i'm trying to ask myself is can i or should i live through this time just to raise them in a house with 2 parents if we are not happy...and my logical answer is No...but my emotional answer is more confused. and im very shy ab. taking that course of action again...i'm not sure what it will gain.
laura.
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| B-dog - brandonmx3@yahoo.com | | Comments - Okay, I've been thinking aloud for like 3 years now, I thought it was schizophrenia or something. Well over the duration of the time it seems as if the aloudness came out in many various ways. Like for the first year I would actually say every thought in a form of whispering, hen once I caught it it became more like I would breathe heavily saying my thoughts, and now I have no clue of how my thoughts are being heard, but i know that they are because of how people react...please help any advice |
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| Bridgett McMillan - 2bridgett@comcast.net | | Comments - Thank you for a huge insight. I did the analysis for my happy relationship with my fiancé, and gained insight it and into my failed marriage! Wow! My ex-husband and I had what we thought was a good marriage. We didn’t argue or disagree about our values or beliefs, we were faithful, we admired and respected each other, were considerate and nurturing of each other’s interests and well being, and we rarely argued. Sounds perfect, right? We were completely unfulfilled, kind of numb. We stayed married for 10 years (no kids). Mostly because we couldn’t figure out what was missing. Finally, he met someone, introduced her to me, we became friends (all three) – but it was immediately evident that they had some magic connection he and I lacked. And weirdly (for the onlookers) I was both happy for him AND I wanted the same magic in my life! We divorced (holding hands in front of the judge, wishing each other the best, sad too). What I have been struggling with is the question of ‘why’ it didn’t work, which is more deeply – what must I know to not make same mistake again (too much pain!) Well, this relationship analysis says that two things we didn’t know were that important were actually essential to our happiness! We had no sexual chemistry and we couldn’t think clearly together. When a problem arose, the weird thing is that other person would literally go ‘huh’? It was like we were to trying to describe a problem to someone who didn’t even speak the same language, literally! We laughed about it after we got divorced, but it wasn't too funny when we were married. We felt hopeless and sad. Within two sentences we were totally lost. How can you solve a problem when you can’t even mutually identify it? We lived in domestic tranquility well enough, but we never had long fulfilling, conversations – or even short ones! We spent less and less time doing things together. We hardly laughed. Numb started to hurt. In the end all we could say was “The reason we are getting divorced is because we are not happy, but we want to be happy.” And this didn’t seem like a good enough reason to me for all the pain of letting go, I thought there must be some ‘fixable’ failure in there (in me)! Your analysis (and web-site) showed me something wonderful. That enjoyment is centrally important to ME> my life. I didn’t know what really fulfilling fun was until I met someone (my fiancé) with whom I really laugh (especially at myself!) and with whom I have profound sexual chemistry and playfulness. I have been worried a bit because our ‘weakest’ areas are in opinion sharing & taking-care-of …And I thought, oh boy, in the long run these might cause major problems! Yet even the most heated difference of opinion, or tug-of-war over whose doing what for whom doesn’t seem to have any lasting effects. Believe me sometimes the ‘problem’ (i.e. difference of opinion or resentment over whose doing ‘more’ for the other) seems like MOUNTAIN – and we can get pretty heated. But the ‘mountain’ just seems to magically become a molehill very quickly. Its like the hurt/anger/self-justifying/resentment bucket has a huge hole in the bottom and just can’t hold water. It takes too much effort to sustain a disagreement. Often the disagreement starts to feel artificial and its only a matter of time before one or the other laughs at the one who is being ridiculous (which is generally whoever starting the complaining!) and ‘poof’ – its gone. I guess I mean to say that very few things seem important enough to interfere with enjoying each other, even the things that we individually spent years thinking were critically important! I think our success in thinking clearly starts with the way we both seem to either instinctively see a problem, identify, and describe it the same way AND/OR one of us sees it (often with distorted immediacy, relevance, or importance!) and the other person magically puts it in perspective and helps to solve or dismiss it without offending the other. The best thing is that this insight has given me some closure on the past, and helped me to realize (very happily) that my fiance and I have the ingredients for continued happiness, regardless of the ‘weak’ areas I was putting too much importance on internally. Now thats some good therapy... |
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| Cindy - isabella1953@msn.com | | Comments - Hello,
I have just found out that my husband of 24 years is cheating on me. I am so devastated. I don't know what to do. I am fifty and have not been in the job market for about five years. I am so very sad.
Cindy |
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| Brian - brian@tablemates.com | | Comments - I wondered what independent people thought of dependent people. |
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| Irene - bombergirl_11@yahoo.com | | Comments - I just wanted to express my appreciation for the "What Helps" essay on this site. I am actually speaking from the other side of it...instead of the person who wanted to help a friend, I was someone who a friend wanted to help...unfortunately, this turned into a quasi-therapeutic relationship that wound up being quite destructive and hurtful to me, as well as the friendship itself (basically destroyed it). Sometimes I wonder if this person ever was a real friend to begin with. The article helped me understand some of why our relationship was so unhealthy. Thank you. |
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| D.Barger - dbarger@jdnb.com | | Comments - Thanks for providing this self-help. Although I don't agree with everything, I do agree with a majority of it.
I attempted to take the Relationship Analysis, but when I tried to Calulcate Results, I received a message "Error on page". I tried it a second time, with the same result. Here are my answers / numbers:
1. 95
2. 90
3. 30
4. 45
5. 10
6. 50
7. 40
8. 55
9. 05
10. 01
I would appreciate it if you would give me the results of the calculation, as well as the article for Moment of Greatest Stress when it's #10 (partner wants to have sex) |
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| Brenda - brendak55@comcast.net | | Comments - After a relationship of 5 years, the first year
my boyfriend cheated on me. For a year we remained friends, I was his best friends, but feelings were still there. So finally I decided you know I can't pretend it doesn't hurt when you have a date, or talk privately on the phone with a girl. He left, and I figured, if he comes back and wants to try again in this relationship, as a couple, then it really was meant to be (true love) he came back, after two weeks and been together ever since. Except know our sexual appetite, is gone. I am lucky if we have sex once a month. I try believe me I try, then it never would work. So lately, I have been letting it go, and he has been coming back with little comments. I am just concerned, that I am not attractive enough for him. I know he is not cheating, but did find a profile of him on line, seeking secretive affair. BS. so do I let him go or fight. I am stuck maybe someone can help.
Thanks,
Brenda |
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| JO - JO1899@YAHOO.COM | | Comments - I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE SEX IS NON EXISTING I WANT IT SO BAD IN THIS RELATIONSHIP HOW EVER HE HAS NO INTEREST AT ALL HE READS PLAYBOY WATCHES FROMTIME TO WOMEN ON TV BUT MOST OF ALL HE IS A WOMANIZER AND WANTS ALL THINGS FOR HIMSELF REPEATDLY HE ASKS FOR BLOW JOBS AND DISREGARDS MY NEEDS WE NEVER HAVE FOREPLAY AND HE DOES NOT LAST LONG WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR US TO EVEN HAVE SEX HE HARDLY KISSES ME PATIENTLY ONLY WHEN HE WANTSSOMETHING, I AM SO FEELING LIKE I AM SO UNATTRACTIVE AND I FEEL LESS THAN A WOMEN I DID HAVE ONE TIME THE ABILITY TO TELL HIM HE SAYS IT IS NOT ME IT IS HIM MAYBE EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL BUT HE HAS NO PROBLEM GETTING IT UP OR ASKING FOR BLOW JOB ALL THE TIME. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS WE NEVER TALK HE SAYS HE WANTS SOME ONE TOLOVE HIM FOR HIM AND DOES NOT TALK ALOT HE ONLY SHARES WITH ME WHAT HE FEESL I NED TO KNOW I AM OUT SIDE THE BOX IN HS LIFE. I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM FOR A YEAR THOUGHT THINGS WOULD CHANGE AS WE GOT USE TO BE AROUND ONE ANOTHER BUT NOTHING HAS CHANGED I ONLY SEE NOW THAT HE IS TAKING CIALIS FOR UNKNOWN REASONS BUT EVEN THAT WAS DONE SNEAKILY AND HE STILL DOES NOT KNOW I KNOW HE HAS IT . WHY IS IT LIKE THIS I CN NOT TALK TO HIM HE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK AT ALL ABOUT ANY THIGN NO MAYTER WHAT IT IS ND WHAT AM I TO DO IF I WANT A HEALTHY SEX LIFE I MISS MAKING LOVE TO A MAN |
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| JO - JO13899@YAHOO.COM | | Comments - I AM IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE SEX IS NON EXISTING I WANT IT SO BAD IN THIS RELATIONSHIP HOW EVER HE HAS NO INTEREST AT ALL HE READS PLAYBOY WATCHES FROMTIME TO WOMEN ON TV BUT MOST OF ALL HE IS A WOMANIZER AND WANTS ALL THINGS FOR HIMSELF REPEATDLY HE ASKS FOR BLOW JOBS AND DISREGARDS MY NEEDS WE NEVER HAVE FOREPLAY AND HE DOES NOT LAST LONG WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR US TO EVEN HAVE SEX HE HARDLY KISSES ME PATIENTLY ONLY WHEN HE WANTSSOMETHING, I AM SO FEELING LIKE I AM SO UNATTRACTIVE AND I FEEL LESS THAN A WOMEN I DID HAVE ONE TIME THE ABILITY TO TELL HIM HE SAYS IT IS NOT ME IT IS HIM MAYBE EMOTIONAL OR PHYSICAL BUT HE HAS NO PROBLEM GETTING IT UP OR ASKING FOR BLOW JOB ALL THE TIME. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS WE NEVER TALK HE SAYS HE WANTS SOME ONE TOLOVE HIM FOR HIM AND DOES NOT TALK ALOT HE ONLY SHARES WITH ME WHAT HE FEESL I NED TO KNOW I AM OUT SIDE THE BOX IN HS LIFE. I HAVE BEEN WITH HIM FOR A YEAR THOUGHT THINGS WOULD CHANGE AS WE GOT USE TO BE AROUND ONE ANOTHER BUT NOTHING HAS CHANGED I ONLY SEE NOW THAT HE IS TAKING CIALIS FOR UNKNOWN REASONS BUT EVEN THAT WAS DONE SNEAKILY AND HE STILL DOES NOT KNOW I KNOW HE HAS IT . WHY IS IT LIKE THIS I CN NOT TALK TO HIM HE DOES NOT WANT TO TALK AT ALL ABOUT ANY THIGN NO MAYTER WHAT IT IS ND WHAT AM I TO DO IF I WANT A HEALTHY SEX LIFE I MISS MAKING LOVE TO A MAN |
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| Jenni Dutton - jennidutton@cox.net | | Comments - I am 20 years old, and my boyfriend is 37. we have been togather for nearly a year, and he's an alcoholic. He drinks every night,and wants me to drink with him. i'll have a few glasses of wine and go lay down. He has definate mood swings during his drinking. if i do something to make him mad beforehand, he'll look back on it and take abusive action. ive taken some pretty bad beatings from this man. he hits me especially in the head, and i have numerous finger print bruises on my arms, and knucken bruises on my legs. I sware, its like he becoms demon posessed, the look in his eyes and face is absoluetly scary. he usually dosnt remimber, but when he does, he says "you deserved it".. but he knows deep down he's a piece of s**t. The pain and agony isnt only when he drinks, but during the day also. Im always walking on egg shells, and he has a short fuse. anything will set him off... wether its work, to a sudden red light. but whatever it is, it always leads to being my fault. out of all the bad, he thinks he should have his outbursts simply because he pays for everything, and takes care of me. he does everything for me, takes me to work, to my classes, pays my bills when i cant... everything. so therefore, in his mind he calls it even. I love him very much, and he loves me, but i wish I could have james all the time, not "jim" (which i call his disgusting alcoholic alter-ego) I dont want to be told to leave, because in my situation, i cant. I need some help in dealing with him, and solving some problems. I need advice |
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| Mary - bloominwhereimplanted@yahoo.com | | Comments - I really enjoyed the How are you spending your life information. I'm not getting what I want so i'm going to make some changes. |
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| Tanya Vyhovsky - Tigerlillie_1@excite.com | | Comments - I tried to take your relationship analysis quiz and when I hit the calculate results button I get an error message and it doesn't take me to the results. I read that people are having problems so I wrote down my answers and would love to know the results. Answers, Question 1=47, 2=26, 3=77, 4=66, 5=68, 6=69, 7=76, 8=78, 9=86, 10=48 |
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| Kim - redglitterdust@yahoo.com | | Comments - I'm seperated from my husband of 10 years. We have an 8yr old son. I have never been attracted sexually to my husband. He doesn't know this. We are thinking about reconciling. I can't stand the thought of going back because of how i feel. We should have never married. I feel like I should go back for my son and for the sake of our marriage. I'm so confused and stressed out to the point of a nervous breakdown. please help me. |
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| Denise - Denise.Bates@amgreetings.com | | Comments - I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My defunct marriage and all my other relationships centered around the one thing I hated most as a child-ALCOHOL. Every man I was involved with had a drinking problem. I read your site and tried to get my current boyfriend (now ex) help by talking to him in a caring way. It didn;t work-he bolted out the door and I haven't heard from him since (it's been 2 months)-Guess what-through your articles, help from family and friends, I now could care less and I am trying to end the vicious cycle of attractions to alcoholics. Thank you! |
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| Denise - dgem1231@msn.com | | Comments - I am an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My defunct marriage and all my other relationships centered around the one thing I hated most as a child-ALCOHOL. Every man I was involved with had a drinking problem. I read your site and tried to get my current boyfriend (now ex) help by talking to him in a caring way. It didn;t work-he bolted out the door and I haven't heard from him since (it's been 2 months)-Guess what-through your articles, help from family and friends, I now could care less and I am trying to end the vicious cycle of attractions to alcoholics. Thank you! |
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| Keith - Keithbirder@Yahoo.com | | Comments -
No Results. As you indicated, I've entered the 10 results in order 1-10:
85 75 65 90 50 80 65 83 66 99 |
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| Ferwiony Tsegaye - fereng_2006@yahoo.com | | Comments - I can't to my hasband sex kind b/c I am not happy. please hlpe me what I do? |
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| Debbie - durhampsych@aol.com | | Comments -
I am in two minds on whether or not to go to my psychotherapy appointment.. Can I really be bothered to risk her telephoning if I don’t go, and then I'll have to explain myself, instead of just going one more time and agreeing with whatever crap she spouts at me? But then I really, really don't want to see her - once my mind is made up, it is made up.
If I go I know what will happen. I'll get there... sit down and she won't say a word. She just stares at me, waiting for me to say something. Normally I just stare back. Sometimes we talk about why I find it difficult to talk. Normally she says "sometimes it's really difficult to say how you feel" and I normally reply "No, I'm just used to conversations flowing from somewhere. If you ask me a question on how I'm feeling, I'll give you an answer... I don't normally walk into a room and announce how I am feeling". **stare** "I hate it when I come in and you just stare at me, it makes me feel uncomfortable". But apparently normal social rules of politely trying to make someone feel comfortable don't apply in therapy. Fool.
Normally I'll update her on what's been going on in the week.. which usually means dad is mentioned. Normally she homes in on that straight away... not what's happened, but my ongoing issue of not being able to "let go" and "accept". Lovely how she assumes the misery he causes is something to do with my refusal of acceptance... I live in a nightmare! If she doesn't go on about that, she will go on about the relationship between me and her and I usually argue that there isn't one... she's a therapist, and I'm a client, I don't care personally about her( I personally hate her), and neither does she care personally about me... I go there to get her to understand my life, and to use her status and ability to help where she can. She either misreads that as me being hurt that she doesn't care, or does the opposite and argues my rational thinking has an ulterior motive and hides any emotions.
If the bullying is mentioned, she'll skim over it like it's unimportant, not try to find out if and how that still affects me, and piece together how that fits in with the life I've had to lead me here. No one ever, ever wants to know about the things that really upset me. No one ever asks. I've mentioned the man who abused me and she didn't even acknowledge that. She hasn't read my notes so does not know, but she's hardly interested in anything except my "relationship" with her! She's never asked me about my life, and she's never asked me what I think is important to talk about, and what bothers me and what doesn't. She grabbed certain things she got into her head, and clung onto because if she squashes it enough, it might fit into her pathetic psychotherapeutic model and she can make these 'issues' exist.
Maybe I'll go and give her a piece of my mind if she pushes me around with her silly psychobabble.
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| Cera - x.cera.x@gmail.com | | Comments - Thanks for some of the ideas you have written on the site. My boyfriend and I have been having some silly issues and I sort of see why.. We've been dating for nearly two years though we're still quite young. I think there's some maturity differences sometimes, but now I think we can work through it. We almost broke up yesterday, and then I jumped right to blaming my family, as I have never seen any relationship work. My parents have each divorced twice, as have 2 of my grandparents. My other grandparents are very unhappy together. So I started blaming, but it's up to me to fix it. .. yeah. No point regurgitating what I've read. Thank you, is my point. |
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