Narcissistic Parents: Voice Wars

I am important. You are not.

This is the basic message that narcissistic parents send to their children. Unfortunately, they send it many different ways, verbally and nonverbally, and worse, they never acknowledge the message. They believe, and they want their children (and everyone else) to believe, that they are the most caring people in the world.

Many times, their children believe them. So often I have been told: "My mother/father was a saint," by adult children of narcissistic parents, that the phrase always sets off an alarm.

How do parents send the message: "I am important, you are not"? By consistently violating the three rules of voice (see Giving Your Child "Voice": The 3 Rules of Parenting).

They assume their child has to little to say about the world, and what he or she does say is insignificant.

They assume their child has plenty to learn from them, but they have nothing to learn from their child.

They insist the child enter their world to make contact. They don't enter their child's world because it is unimportant.

The very same parents who deprive their children of "voice" believe they are first rate caretakers. How do they deceive themselves so thoroughly? The first answer is that their parents treated them the same way. Long ago they were deprived of "voice"; now they expect their children to hear, respect, and even idolize them. (Ah! My mother/father was a saint.) In their eyes, this is what parent-child relationships are supposed to be like. But there is more. For a narcissistic parent, a child's only purpose is to inflate their sense of self. Entering a child's world does not serve this purpose, in fact, it is a complete waste of time. Of course sometimes a narcissistic parent can make it appear that they are entering a child's world. One of my clients, David, told me his father would hold his birthday party on the family boat every year--a lavish celebration for grade school children (and extended family). David was dying to go bowling or to the movies on his birthday like his friends did. One time he asked his father whether he could possibly do something else. His father blew up. "Who else gets to have a birthday party on a yacht you ungrateful bastard," his father said. David remembered the moment as if it happened yesterday.

How do children respond to narcissistic parents?

Some simply retreat. Others may begin a "voice war": they use aggressive tactics to regain "voice." They talk back, they disobey, they take what is not theirs. For such behavior, children are reprimanded. But narcissistic parents are never punished for their more subtle tactics. A narcissist's offensive thrusts are often hidden under the guise of advice, righteous punishment, or even manipulative praise. This, of course, makes the rebellious children of narcissistic parents even more likely to act out. They know that they are not being heard, and as a result they see their world as unfair. Sadly, they are right.

Over time, voice wars may escalate. Some children bully classmates to exercise their "voice." They are not heard at home, and so they overcompensate on the playground. Others, particularly girls, actively shut their parents out and preoccupy themselves with the only part of the world in which they have a say: their own bodies. What to eat and what not to eat is the only agency available to them. Teenage eating disorders and the absence of "voice" go hand in hand.

Often, the children of narcissistic parents learn that their only option in searching for "voice" is to engage in self-destructive behavior, be it anorexia/bulimia, antisocial activity, drugs, or even suicide. Ironically, in hurting themselves, they sometimes shatter their narcissistic parents' self-deception. "We didn't know they were in such pain. Why didn't they tell us? Where did we go wrong?" By then, of course, the questions are too late.

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