Why Do Some People Choose One Bad Relationship After Another?

(The third in a series on the adult consequences of "voicelessness")

Some people unwittingly choose destructive relationships over and over again. The consequences of their choices are painful and self-destructive, yet they never seem to learn from their experience. Instead they go from one bad partner to the next, much to the chagrin of those closest to them. Why does this happen?

People who have not been given "voice" in childhood have the lifelong task of repairing the "self." Much of this repair work involves getting people to "hear" them, for only then do they have value, "place," and a sense of importance. However, not everyone is a sufficient audience and judge for the "voiceless." To feel that they have been heard, the "voiceless" pick partners like their parents, people who can't hear. These are unconscious choices made for good reason: in the minds of the "voiceless," only the hard of hearing have the authority to prove worth. As a result, the "deaf" make the most exciting and intriguing partners--other people are boring or even invisible. The thrill of potentially being "heard" by an important person is all that counts.

Of course a "deaf" person will never hear, and the "voiceless" soon find themselves in an all too familiar situation. Sometimes the battle to be heard lasts for years, because being heard is the only salve for the worthlessness that the "voiceless" feel. Giving up the relationship means relinquishing hope. When the relationship finally ends, the "voiceless" once again resume their search for a partner with the qualifications and authority to secure their place in the world: another "deaf" person.

A similar phenomenon occurs at work. The "voiceless" look to narcissistic bosses (see Voicelessness: Narcissism) to affirm their worth, and when their good work is ignored, they quickly deflate. Little satisfaction is taken in their own achievements; instead they are exceptionally self-critical. Accomplishing an assignment means the task was too easy and not a sufficient test of value. Failing at a task, however, is an absolute, incontrovertible sign of worthlessness, and in their minds they will replay their poor performance for months.

People who repetitively make bad relationship choices sometimes fare no better when they choose a therapist. Often they migrate to preeminent, narcissistic, or even guru-like therapists. These helpers may surreptitiously use their position of authority to solve their own "voice" problems. In fact, a pompous, unyielding therapist can keep a "voiceless" client coming year after year simply by never changing his or her tune. In such cases no progress is made, and nothing is ever resolved.

With the right therapist, however, a trade can slowly be made. The client gives up the dream of being granted a place of value by the powerful "deaf" parent stand-ins, in exchange for the less exciting but ultimately more fulfilling relationship with a therapist. For this to happen, the relationship with the therapist has to be real, and it has to be deep. The therapist genuinely seeks out, encourages, and values the client's voice and experience of the world. The client then uses this partnership as a model: ultimately, his or her task is to search for similar relationships in the outside world.

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