Psychotherapy and the Restoration of Voice

Why don’t clients identify the absence of voice as a problem? Voice develops early in childhood: a young child cannot understand what or she didn’t receive. Second, the experience of voicelessness is so scary, children actively defend against it. Some withdraw into their own world, others behave aggressively and defiantly ("act out"), still others become anxious or develop psychosomatic symptoms. These reactions are considered the problem---and they distract parents from the underlying cause. Thus, when children reach adulthood, they have no awareness of voicelessness.

Because the client is unaware of the absence of voice, therapy is, in part, a discovery process. Many questions are addressed. What happened to the child’s "voice?" What were the particular dynamics in the family that interfered with voice? How did the voiceless child adapt to survive? Then-- how has voicelessness affected the individual in their adult life. In what ways have absence of voice and unconscious efforts to remedy this situation interfered with adult relationships and goals?

With enough history, these questions can quickly be answered by a talented therapist. Nevertheless, the benefits of therapy extend far beyond the client’s intellectual understanding of voice. The therapy office also serves as a voice laboratory. Issues of voice always linger in the background although the client may or may not be aware of many of these thoughts: Will he or she (the therapist) hear me? Will he or she respect my feelings? Will he or she be curious and want to know more? Or---do I need to protect myself? Do I need to hold back what I am feeling? Should I try to please him or her? Do I need to impress him or her? Should I try not to become attached? Should I keep him or her away (emotionally speaking)? These questions are important, because they mirror the client’s responses in other important relationships. But in therapy, unlike in other relationships, they can be addressed in a gentle, non-judgmental way. The success of therapy depends in part, upon the therapist’s capacity to see, understand, and help the client talk about these feelings so they interfere less with "voice."

The "work" described above helps build a therapy relationship where the client’s voice is restored. The success of therapy depends in large part on the kind of person the therapist is: he or she must be capable of following the same "rules" that good parents use to give children voice (see Giving Your Child "Voice:" The Three Rules of Parenting):

First, assume that what your client has to say about the world is just as important as what you have to say. Second, assume that you can learn as much from them as they can from you. Third, enter their world: don't require them to enter yours to make contact.

Therapy as caricaturized in movies and television is inadequate. It is not enough for a therapist to say "I hear you," or automatically praise or affirm. In fact, predefined scripts and "canned" empathy are destructive because they lead to a phony relationship. Genuineness counts. If a therapist is being defensive or hiding behind a helpful "veil," the client will automatically employ their voice defenses, and no progress will be made. I am certain that over time my clients come to know me as well as I know them--not because I go out of my way to reveal myself, but because I learned long ago that if I posture or assume a self-important role, it interferes with the development of voice.

Once clients develop voice in a therapy relationship, new worlds open. This is the ultimate benefit of therapy. Clients know what kinds of relationships to look for outside of the consulting room--ones that will allow both parties equal agency. They can end those where they are not "heard," or they can encourage their partner to seek help in solving his or her own "voice" problem. And they have confidence that their inner self has value--awareness that dramatically impacts work, childrearing, and friendships.