Little Voices

(The second in a series on the adult consequences of "voicelessness")

If parents do not enter a young child's world, but instead require him or her to enter theirs to make contact, the resulting damage can last a lifetime. In "Voicelessness: Narcissism," I presented one way adults react having experienced this scenario in childhood: they constantly try to re-inflate their leaky "self." However, different temperaments spawn different adjustments: some children, by their very nature, are incapable of aggressively seeking attention. If no one is entering their world, they unconsciously employ a more passive strategy. They diminish their voice and try to please their parents with their lack of demands.

As adults such people are gentle, sensitive, and non-assuming. They are also generous and caring, often volunteering for charitable organizations, animal shelters, and the like. Frequently they feel other people's pain as if it were their own, and are wracked by guilt if they cannot somehow relieve this distress. To most, they seem model human beings. Unfortunately these qualities are the direct result of having little or no "voice," and their voicelessness causes them considerable pain.

Inside, they carry a sense of smallness and worthlessness that can only be relieved if someone with a dominant "voice" (previously a "narcissistic" parent) approves of them. This often leads them to destructive relationships: for they unconsciously choose overbearing, narcissistic people. The partner is usually critical, demanding, and inattentive, and the "little voice" spends its time trying to be "heard" and valued. This rarely happens, since the partner is actively, aggressively, and narcissistically pursuing the same goal. Little voices are not masochists--they do not get pleasure from being put down, berated, ignored, humiliated, etc., as often happens in their relationships. Instead, they are merely trying to hold on to a sense of self, for inside they often feel no bigger than a speck of dust. Sadly, when a person with a little voice is asked why the relationship is failing, they say: "if only I were a better person, than my spouse/lover would be happy with me."

In therapy, such people must be slowly weaned from destructive relationships. Because their very existence is defined by these relationships, this is a difficult task. The client's temptation is always to return to the comfort of what is known, and often it takes many trials to separate finally. As therapy proceeds, the therapist and client strive to build a relationship that serves as a bridge to future, healthier relationships. The therapist discovers the client's unique voice, long hidden from themselves and others, and helps the client use and expand it. By reviewing family histories, he or she shows the client why their parent(s) could not hear, and how this influenced the client's life choices. The therapist's ultimate goal is that the two voices in the office become equal, and that the client finds a reciprocal relationship in the outside world.

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