SO...
THE WORLD WILL BE BETTER OFF?
WRONG!

(The quotes on these pages are taken from Letters written by Allyson, the full letters may be viewed by following the link at the bottom of the page.)

2/18/99

Dear Friends, I cannot find the words to express what I have to say. Shelia committed suicide last Thursday. My loss is so great and the weight is so heavy that I do not see how I can manage to get through the next few weeks. I am completely lost and devastated.

2/20/99 I am on stress leave from the post office for as long as I need, which will be at least another week. I am most angry about her leaving me with this financial nightmare which I seem to be unwilling to wade through just yet. And, of course, I am hurt by her not being here. I miss holding her so much. I miss reading to the kids about God. I miss taking her to bed. I miss her laying her poor, exhausted head down on my lap on the couch as I stroked her hair and she slept. I miss going to movies and plays with her.

We had a memorial to her on Monday and it was great. It was here at the house and her friends were all here and reemembered her nicely. I miss encouraging her. I miss her incredible strength, which she was never able to take in. She was my friend, hero, lover, and someone I admired greatly. She gave me so much. I see her everywhere; in flowers, music, the mountains, the Sound.

A friend came by today and took me on a drive to Deception Pass, which overlooks Puget Sound and the San Juan Islands. It was beautiful. Reminded me so much of Sheila. I brought back a rock for her and found a penny. So I know that she was with me.

2/22/99 I hope that the DID's that read these posts realize just how painful it is for your SO (signficant other) to lose you, and how very much you matter to your SO, no matter what the trauma and problems are. Your SO wouldn't be there if they didn't care about you, and weren't willing to go thru this with you. Try to talk to your SO more about what is happening..we can't guess your pain, and we want to help in any way. So much I didn't know until she left me, and how very many secrets she took with her.

2/22/99 I still cry for Shelia and miss our future plans. She is never far from my thoughts. I wish you all could have met her. She was really quite incredible. No one can comprehend her suicide; of course, that is before I tell them the REAL story of her life. Imagine, A DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) fooling the whole world so well that they think she was a functional monomind who just kinda went crazy from stress one night.

I also have come to realize that I am mourning the loss of about 20 people, and have had to deal with each loss. I really miss reading to the kids and snarking with the teens, trying to get them to understand what the word "co-opeeration" might really mean! And your response post, Angel, made me really miss those moments that you can only have with a DID....the spaghetti....times others can't ever fathom.

Through all the work and pain, there is something rare, precious and beautiful about living, helping, working and loving those whose lives have been so altered by the pain of their abuse as innocent children. Shelia's kids would often come out at night and all they could say was, "but Allyson, we didn't do anything wrong..." over and over again. Or they'd want me to read to them in bed.

"Allyson, you gonna read to us about God tonight?" and holding and rocking them in the night as they fell asleep, and holding them in the morning when they would wake up and say in a wee small voice, "Allyson, we're scared."

And I would say, "of what, Shelia?"

She would respond, " oh, you know, of everything, of life..." and somehow she would then drag herself out of bed and slowly transform herself into a business person for the day.

It's hard for me to look in the closet at her business suits. Her neices came and I told them to try on her shoes and take anything that fit. Funny thing, some were size 8, some 9, and some 10. Hmmm, didn't you ever wonder why there were 9 pairs of shoes?

2/22/99 cont. I have met several DID's who have done the work and are on the other side, and life is now worth living for them. The things that served them in childhood, no longer served them as adults. Living with MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder) can be as painful or DEADLY as doing the hard work is. KNOW that your SO and friends are there for you. TALK TO THEM. NO MORE SECRETS. Secrets kill too. Suicide is painful to those around you. Maybe Shelia is with God and the angels, but right now I am in Hell. And that's not right either.

2/22/99 cont. She told me that her suicide was 52 years in the making and she was right. For me, I went inside and got in touch with myself and asked what would life be like without Shelia, and for me there was no question. I truly loved this woman, and like Jeff said, she was my hero and I told her that often. She was truly an admirable and courageous person that couldn't even see her own strength. She gave to all around her.

2/23/99 I know God loves me, but it's been real hard to see him through my tears. Love those around you. Do what you need to stay sane. Don't do this...please.

2/23/99 cont. I am often greatly comforted knowing that Shelia is with God and can no longer feel the pain. I just wonder if she also misses me, the tender moments, the ones that kept me in the relationship.

2/24/99 I am absolutely in awe of any DID who has done the work and made it to the other side, that is, integration. If this cost the strongest person I've ever met her life, I can't even imagine the pain and agony of this work and in her life. Somewhere amid the shadows of my heart, I hear a voice telling me "see how much it hurts? Do you feel the pain? Imagine what Shelia felt like while she was here."

next page | back to top | Allyson's Full Letters
understanding & helping a suicidal person

If you'd like to send your thoughts to Allyson, feel free to email her.

about me | reading room | support resources |