Pam in SC: Home page

My System:

I started out writing in blue because blue was the host--the rational self who has made it possible for us to succeed in the world and made it very hard for anyone else to see our pain. I (blue) liked to have things organized, so I kept trying to make maps of the system inside. I started out with a series of cloth hearts, as I met insiders for the first time in the spring of 1996. I then made a page for each of the hearts in a photo album, with childhood photos that seemed to capture those parts. Later I made a quilt out of the hearts; if you are patient about letting it load you can see it here.

In August 1996, my system reorganized, and I began to get to know a layer of adult selves who wrote in different colors. In November, an insider named Linda who had helped in a crisis once spoke up and said that she had created the adult system at age 16 so that we could function in the world, and that the adults really didn't know anything about the childhood reality. Then slowly, I met teenagers and children, though some were never willing to identify themselves clearly. As a map I used a box--the kind of plastic box with little drawers that people use to hold nuts and bolts (it has five rows each with eight drawers). I have a description of that system at the box .

In late spring 1997, the insiders in that system began to work more as groups. The adults who had first started writing in colors (Black, Pink, Brown, Green, Orange, Red, Blue, and Purple) were the first to work together as a group and came to work most closely together. They began to refer to themselves as a group as "I" rather than "we". I saw this as collective, not full integration.

The Black group was the protectors and included: Angel, Linda, Shame, and Be Good. Map started out as a protector.

The Pink group was the hidden little ones: Baby Lion, Trouble, and sometimes Need, and Star. They have a page of their Favorite Things.

A new group began to emerge in mid-May 1997, first describing themselves as those who tell. At first, their most noticeable characteristic was that they loved coffee, which I have always disliked--I suddenly turned into a regular coffee drinker (though I have limited myself to decaf). They told about sexual abuse by my grandmother, in addition to the sexual abuse by her second husband that I have always remembered. I have written a page about female-female abuse.

By July 1997, they had solidified as a group of new alters identified with the abuse. The active members of this group were an adult who calls herself Hawk, a sixteen-year-old, a 12 or 13 year old named Sam, a 12-year-old named Sue, a ten-year-old, a seven-year-old, and a five year old.

I strongly suspect there were other little ones. They struggled with their shame about the abuse, but also with what they want to bring back to the system. Sam has brought us back to the reality of the world of magic where we were safe. Over the summer and fall, I struggled with more negative things that I needed to acknowledge instead of hiding: shame, and fear of rejection over-and-over again, and also the longing for death, as well as with a lot of new memories of sadistic abuse.

After that point, my story continues on Pem Home Page.

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