Question:

I am the full time step mom to two wonderful girls ages 17 an 15. Their mother has BPD. It has been a long hard road with all the familiar incidences. My poor daughters have been terribly abused, not only by their mother but by the people she chooses to live with. It has been 2 years now that my girls have refused to see, speak to, correspond, acknowledge their mother. The final straw came when she lied about her boyfriends abuse of them to protect him and not her daughters.

I can't say that I blame the girls for not associating with their mother. I have a moral dilemma in that I feel she is their mother and should not be totally cut off from them. My daughters say they are not suffering without her and that life is good this way. Their counselor has told us this is the best thing that could happen to them! I struggle because I have no real idea how much reality this poor woman realizes.

This woman confuses me in that we are told that she has no real grasp on reality and makes it up as she goes along. They use the words "narcissistic", "histrionic", "crazy making". Yet, if she gets caught in a lie, or she wants to cover up something, she is very sly. How can it be that she is so oblivious of reality and so keenly manipulative of it at the same time?

I struggle with keeping her alive in my daughters' lives. I have had the girls since they were 6 and 8. They have always visited their mother up until 2 years ago when they simply refused to go any longer. They spoke out to their grandparents and Uncle about their abuse and the family wrote them to say they were disowned for telling lies about their mother! The poor things have really been through it.

How do I help them RESPECT her? I know they love her despite it being all wrapped up with hurt, resentment, disappointment and fear. But how do I help them RESPECT her? She does so much that makes it easy for people to hate her.

advertisement

Answer:

First of all you need to know that there is much more than the BPD going on here, and the problems sound very serious. The counselor may be correct, and her daughters may have a healthy dose of self-preservation. Getting a second opinion from another therapist is an option as well.

top | next | table of contents | current month | last month

home | about me | bpd info | bpd faqs | children | screening | suicide
books |