Question:

A few years ago at age 34 I experienced a feeling of lashing out, I was afraid of suddenly doing harm to my kids or wife. I had no idea where the feeling came from, I was under some stress but I didn't think a lot about it. I spoke to my Dr. he advised me to see a counselor regarding depression. I didn't feel depressed and felt this was a waste of time, but I went. Then at age about 38 I had feelings of suicide (yes little voices, I started crying and stayed awake until my wife got home from work, I didn’t tell her), of loosing control, I told my Dr.(not of the suicide) and he put me on pills for anxiety. 

I told him of my light headedness feelings, heart pump, lashing out feelings, he assured me I'm not the kind of person to hurt people. After a few tries we found some pills that helped me without the side effects. I stayed on the medication for 14 months Two years later it happened again and I went back on the medication after having more bad thoughts, hard to concentrate, lashing out, loosing control, needles poking my face feelings. Now after being on the pills 10 months I had the same feelings again while on the medication. Yes I'm under some stress, but I don't think more than the average person. I like to be kept busy so I have less time to think. People around me would never believe I have these feelings. My dad committed suicide three years ago after the death of my mom.

Why do I fear hurting my wife and kids? I love them, their all great. Is it because they mean the most to me?

I fear telling people about my fear of hurting my kids afraid they will come and take them. I have never harmed them. Hopefully never would. Anyone would think were just a normal family, which we are except for these bad thoughts of mine that come around every now and then. I think of dying and how I really don't want to until my kids have grown. My wife knows a little of the anxiety not the suicide thoughts. I've practiced breathing, thinking good happy thoughts.

I've heard of people afraid of hurting themselves but how about hurting others.

I have trouble resting I always have.

Hopefully this will go away soon and I be good until it comes around again later.

I love my kids but some times I hope they hurry up a grow up and leave so their nutty dad can't ever hurt them.

Answer:

I've had individuals who were terrified of hurting others and not themselves. Many different diagnoses are possible. In the strongest terms possible I recommend you someone skilled in making these diagnoses and getting them treated before a tragedy happens. Something is clearly wrong and despite your very best efforts - commendable ones at that - you are losing this battle. You must get the diagnoses made and effectively treated.

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