Question:

I am the Stewardship chairperson of our church and overseer of all employees. Our church secretary has been diagnosed with BPD. She has known this for one year but has just told us. (After she spent one week in a mental hospital from cutting her wrists) Last year she tried to commit suicide and so obviously we new there was a problem and have been walking on egg shells for one year. She has not been doing a very good job, but we were basically afraid to fire her. Yesterday she visited with me and told me she does not want to come back to work for the rest of the summer. 

I confirmed this decision with the comment "we think that is a wise decision and probably would suggest that also". My problem is she is making all the decisions and that is not right for us as the employer. At the end of the summer we are not sure we want her as our secretary. I love her and she is a friend, but I see her calling all the shots. She wants to get off all medications, she checked herself out of the hospital early (the doctors wanted her to stay) and she is telling everyone "I lied to you, but now I am telling you the truth". Is she? I believe God can heal her and her spiritual life is very important. But besides being accountable to God doesn't she need to be accountable to some medical professional and not make all decisions on her own? Please give me some suggestions on handling this situation. I want her to process properly my comments so she stays on the right track. Debbie has all nine of the BPD criteria! I was shocked.

Answer:

One of the toughest things that happens to kind, loving and supportive people is that they sometimes perceive they're "responsible" if someone attempts suicide. The only person who commits suicide is that individual. Acting out of your own best interests doesn't cause suicide, particularly if you have been helpful and supportive of her getting help.

Ruining your church and possibly your health is not the right approach. Employees are there to make your live more efficient and functional, not more stressful.

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Friends sometimes best help other friends by forcing them to seek help. By "enabling" her - meaning there are no consequences for her decisions and behavior - you actually make the condition worse because she doesn't perceive the need to seek help.

My first book "Life at the Border" has been used successfully by many individuals in your situation. By printing the cover from the website and having her see it she may recognize that better options are available. A reasonable thing to say is "we care about you and consider you a friend, however you have a medical problem that needs treatment and we're not going to make things worse by helping you avoid that treatment."

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