Chapter 5: The Language of Champs

The limits of my language mean the limits of my world.

— Ludwig Wittgenstein, Tractatus logico-philisophicus

The language you use advertises to the world who you are, what you think, what you feel and what you want. You could be dressed in Chanel and Cartier, but if, when you open your mouth, "I ain't got no ticket for this here fancy dress ball, but $500 bucks says yer gonna let me in anyways," comes falling out, your language would tell the maitre d' that you were not raised by the Royal family. By the same token, you could be wearing jeans and a sweatshirt, and one eloquent sentence would let us know that you were not raised by Jed and Granny Clampett.

Whenever you speak to another person, your language has a profound influence on how he or she behaves, consciously and subconsciously. Your choice of words can either turn people off or make them warm up to you. You can rip a person apart with a flagrant, caustic jab, or you can brighten his day with a sincere compliment or words of praise. Language is a powerful tool that will help you realize your ambitions when employed effectively, or can paralyze you with fear when used against you. While ineffective language limits you, effective language empowers you.

Language has an especially powerful effect on children. As adults, some of us have trained ourselves to "sift out" language that we consider worthless, objectionable or superfluous. But even some of the most astute, mature adults are not immune to the power of language. Educated men have fallen prey to the honeyed words of flatterers, and lithe supermodels have nearly starved themselves to death upon hearing one insensitive photographer say, "I wouldn't worry, dear. You're not that overweight." Imagine, then, the effect on children, who have not yet learned to filter language. They take every word they hear at face value, especially when it comes from their parents. If you tell your children they are stupid or ugly, they will believe it. If you tell them they are brilliant and beautiful, they will believe it. It is almost impossible to fathom the immense power your language has over your children, and how the potency of your words will affect them, either positively or negatively.

A blow with a word strikes deeper than a blow with a sword.

— Robert Burton, The Anatomy of Melancholy

It is up to you, then, to make sure the words your children hear will cause them to win, and that every word is designed to enlighten, teach, excite, delight, inform, and create curiosity, love, joy and appreciation. Each word, whether it is for the purpose of conversation, praise or reprimand, should be designed to move you and your children to an outcome in which everybody wins.

Make Your Words Count

Windbags in action

Many parents find themselves doing a whole lot of talking without getting a whole lot of positive results. Have you ever caught yourself saying, "How many times do I have to tell you?" or, "If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times!" Your kids probably think it's more like a zillion.

There is a reason some parents have to repeat themselves. It is because the language they use to communicate with their children is ineffective, and has been repeated so many times that it has become nothing more than background noise. We are reminded of the adults in the old "Peanuts" television specials. The adults in the cartoon never spoke clearly, but communicated in an irritating, instrument-like whine: "Waa Waa Waa Waa." Can you imagine having to listen to that all day? Your children probably can. When you, like the parents of Charlie Brown, Linus and Peppermint Patty, are generous with ineffective language, as opposed to being stingy with effective language, you become nothing more than background noise for your children to "tune out." For instance, have you ever sat down with your child to discuss a serious matter and noticed her eyes glaze over? Often your child responds as if you were lecturing a rock. This happens because the words used, and the way they are said, are not designed to get positive results. No matter how good your intentions, if you don't use effective language when speaking to your children, and when the way in which you deliver that language is about as exciting as a lecture on quantum physics, you might as well be lecturing a rock.

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