Chapter 4: Start Doing What Does

Third Person Parenting

Let 'em eavesdrop

Third Person Parenting is a very powerful way to communicate with your children. It is designed to discuss information about your child with a third person, in the child's presence. The information discussed by mom and dad, or dad and grandpa, etc., is about a problem that you want to put a stop to or about good behavior you want to reinforce. It is not directed at the child, but is about them. The conversation is always between you and the other adult, and the child in question is not allowed to comment on it. He or she is merely an "eavesdropper" on a conversation that is choreographed for his or her benefit.

One of the advantages of using the third person parenting technique when the information discussed is negative is that it permits the parent to be angry or disappointed or scared in a way that affords the child some sort of objectivity about the seriousness of the issue discussed, instead of using all of their mental energy defending themselves or making excuses. Because it is a "private" conversation between you and another adult in which the child is not allowed to interrupt, it puts an immediate halt on the phenomenon of "back talk," arguments and fights. In other words, you are creating a model in which listening and understanding by the child are supported in an atmosphere that is not accusatory or inflammatory, but calm and reasonable.

This is how it works:

Picture a family of four sitting at the dinner table. There's mom and dad, ten-year-old John and seven-year-old Megan. Dad is not happy because John did not do any of his chores yesterday.

dad (to mom): "I noticed John didn't do any of his chores yesterday. He didn't take out the trash or put away his laundry before he went to school. What do you think we should do?"

john: "I was gonna, but I...

dad: "Son, I am talking to your mother. Please wait until we are finished."

mom: "Well, I know he is supposed to spend the night with Josh this weekend. If his chores aren't done before he goes to bed this evening, then we will just have to have him call Josh and tell him that he can't spend the night.

megan: "Yeah, don't let him go to Josh's!

mom: "Megan, this conversation doesn't concern either of you. Please let dad and I finish our conversation and then we can talk about what has been going on with you."

By directing their conversation towards each other, John's parents are avoiding direct confrontation with him, which often builds to anger and bad feelings on both sides. They are not making him feel like he is a bad or worthless kid. They are not using a sarcastic or hostile tone of voice. They are simply stating their dissatisfaction that he did not do the chores that he had agreed to do and the consequences if he does not do them. John doesn't have to make excuses about why he didn't do the chores, because it doesn't really matter why he didn't do them. Even if his goldfish needed mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and his heroic life-saving efforts took up all of his spare time, he still needs to take out the trash and put away his laundry. He knows that as long as he does these tasks before he goes to bed, he will be able to have a great time at Josh's this weekend. Had his parents gotten in his face and called him a lazy little laggard, a blot on the family's good name, and a discredit to ten-year-old boys everywhere, had they demanded an explanation for his outlandish infraction of the house rules, it still wouldn't get him to do his chores any faster, and would only cause him to feel bad. Since we think feeling bad is a waste of time, it is our belief that Third Person Parenting is a more effective and much lighter way of getting what you want. Why not make sure that everybody wins?

Seen and not heard

She spake not a single word,

the child was seen, but never heard.

— Anonymous

Initially, some parents have a hard time understanding the concept of Third Person Parenting. They say to us, "Children are people, too. They should have a right to give their opinions." We are not suggesting that "children are meant to be seen and not heard." While there are some adults who think that children have nothing important to say, nothing could be further from the truth, and we consider these adults ignorant, idiotic morons. Treating your children in this manner can cause your children to feel valueless, a trait which, unfortunately, they may carry with them throughout their lives. We believe parents should encourage discussion and have open lines of communication with their children at the appropriate time. But Third Person Parenting serves a very specific purpose. It is only done at particular times, and only after both parents have discussed the problem and the outcome they want. You can pick a later time, if you choose, to discuss matters with your child. The conversation between parents should be short and to the point; then the subject should be rapidly changed to something more pleasant, hopefully some positive third person parenting.

"Positively" fabulous parenting

An advantage of using Third Person Parenting when you are complimenting a child's good behavior, or a good deed that you want recognized and reinforced, is that the compliment tends to hold more weight when shared with others rather than if it is given directly to the child. Especially when the compliment is given when the child thinks you don't know they can hear (even though you not only know they can hear, but have orchestrated it to make sure that they can). Some kids think their parents are only saying nice things because they have to: "You're my dad. You have to say that." As an adult, you know that people will give compliments that are not genuine. But when you hear something nice about yourself from a third party, you feel genuinely flattered.

Children also like "overhearing" how wonderful they are. A good technique to use when you want to implement "positive" Third Person Parenting is to do it on the phone. The next time you get a friend or grandma on the phone, start discussing how absolutely fabulous your child is. If you can't think of any wonderful things your child has done lately, then make them up. No harm in acting as if he is the most wonderful kid on the planet. Surely there is something unique or special you can discuss because, after all, he is your child. If nothing else, he is sure to have inherited greatness from your superior gene pool!

Noelle the braggart

This technique works especially well for single parents. We knew a marvelous woman named Noelle. She told us she used this technique no matter where she was or who she was talking to. She said, "There's a lot of hard things that go with being a single mom. But getting the word out that I think my kids are wonderful has never been one of them. Sure, I don't have a husband around to tell, `Look what a pretty picture Zoe made in school today, daddy,' or `You should have seen Nancy in the debate tournament today. She was awesome!' But I have no shortage of people to brag to. I do most of my bragging in front of my kids. I figure, `Why waste a good brag on someone else?' I might as well do it in front of the people who will get the most out of it — my children. So I tell the checker at the grocery store how smart they are and I tell the lady that scoops our ice cream that I have the most perfect children ever. She said to the kids once, `Are you getting a treat because you were good today?' Before they could answer I said, `No. They are getting some ice cream because they like ice cream. If I had to buy them a treat every time they were good, Haagen-Dasz would have to build a new factory and I'd go broke.'

"On another occasion, I was in a jewelry store with my daughter, Zoe, and the sales lady noticed Zoe admiring all of the pretty jewelry. She came over to us and said to Zoe in a kind, well-meaning voice: `When you grow up you'll have to marry a rich man so he can buy you all these pretty things.' I simply smiled and said, `No, when she grows up she is going to go to college and get a good job and make a lot of her own money and buy her own jewelry.' The sales lady acted a little taken aback by what I said, and a little embarrassed. When she got her wits about her she said, `Well, that's even better!' I didn't mean to embarrass her, but I was more concerned about what was going into my daughter's ears than the sales lady's feelings. When I told the sales lady what my daughter was capable of, I was in essence telling my daughter what I thought she was capable of achieving. I don't think it would ever occur to her that she could not do great things, and I like to reinforce that whenever I can.

"One other incident happened at the doctor's office. I was sitting with my oldest daughter, Nancy, and we were watching a television that had been placed there to distract us from the fact that the doctor was running forty-five minutes late. There was a show about baby animals, and the woman seated next to us commented on the fact that baby things are always so much cuter than grown things. I put my arm around my daughter and I said, `You know that's so true, with one exception.' `What's that?' the woman asked. `Daughters,' I said. `Daughters just keep getting prettier and more lovable the older they get.' Well, the woman gushed and thought it was extraordinary that a mother could talk to her teenage daughter that way, but I don't think of it as extraordinary at all. It's such a simple thing to say out loud, for my children's benefit, what I am thinking to myself anyway. Why shouldn't my children be privy to information that only confirms to them that I think they're wonderful? And why shouldn't everybody know it? It's not like it's some dark family secret. And so every opportunity I get, whether it be at the boutique (`Yes, I agree. My daughter could wear a grain sack and she'd look beautiful.'), or in front of their teachers (`To tell you the truth Mrs. Oliver, she's just as well-behaved at home.'), at the line in the deli, or especially in front of their friends (`You asked how come I'm so cool? Because that's what my daughters deserve.'), I always let my daughters know via other people that they are the greatest kids on the planet."

We were so impressed when we heard Noelle's story that we felt like giving her the Mother of the Millennium Award. And as soon as someone creates one, she is the first person we're going to nominate. We consider Noelle a class act. It is our hope that all parents will one day realize the positive consequences of bragging on their children to a third party. It is so simple to do, it doesn't cost a dime, and the payoff is priceless.

The following are examples of some Third Person Parenting "scripts:"

1. "I noticed how Noah was paying attention to his instructor. He has good concentration."

2. "We need to do something about Moira's reading scores. Think about it and we'll talk about it tomorrow."

3. "Have you noticed how calm Justin has been today?"

4. "Jennifer got an A+ on cleaning her room today. It really looks great!"

5. "I want to discuss what trevor's teacher told me about him today. She says that if he starts applying himself to his homework, his scores are sure to improve."

6. "Are you and I to be blamed for having such wonderful children?"

7. "You know, dear, if these weren't already our kids, we'd have to go out and adopt them."

You can make up your own scripts, and use them whenever you want to get first class results with your children.

Get into the habit of being wonderful

The last two WIN-WIN Rules of Success, "Change the language you use to get the results you want," and "Lighten Up!" really need chapters of their own to fully explain them.

However, at this point, you already have enough information to start making changes that will completely transform your family and your life.

Changing your behavior may seem foreign to you at first, but like any behavior that is habituated, whether it be smoking a pack a day, eating ice cream before going to bed, or making routine checks for state troopers in your rear view mirror, once you get into the habit of doing it, you get good at it. When you practice being someone wonderful at least 497 times a day, it will soon become second nature, and no one will suspect that you were ever anything less than fantastic.

It is important to remember that, even when things get tough, when new strategies don't work out on your first try, when changes don't happen as quickly as you want, when you meet resistance, you are doing the right thing: YOU ARE DOING WHAT WORKS. Always keep in mind that you are making changes in your family because you love your family, because you only want the best for them. You're not saying "no" to your children because you enjoy distressing them. You're not changing your parenting style because you want to confuse them and your spouse. You are doing it because, even though you may not always win the popular vote, you are making changes that you know will cause your whole family to win. You are creating a family to which every member wants to belong.

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