Chapter 4: Start Doing What Does

"Positively" fabulous parenting

An advantage of using Third Person Parenting when you are complimenting a child's good behavior, or a good deed that you want recognized and reinforced, is that the compliment tends to hold more weight when shared with others rather than if it is given directly to the child. Especially when the compliment is given when the child thinks you don't know they can hear (even though you not only know they can hear, but have orchestrated it to make sure that they can). Some kids think their parents are only saying nice things because they have to: "You're my dad. You have to say that." As an adult, you know that people will give compliments that are not genuine. But when you hear something nice about yourself from a third party, you feel genuinely flattered.

Children also like "overhearing" how wonderful they are. A good technique to use when you want to implement "positive" Third Person Parenting is to do it on the phone. The next time you get a friend or grandma on the phone, start discussing how absolutely fabulous your child is. If you can't think of any wonderful things your child has done lately, then make them up. No harm in acting as if he is the most wonderful kid on the planet. Surely there is something unique or special you can discuss because, after all, he is your child. If nothing else, he is sure to have inherited greatness from your superior gene pool!

Noelle the braggart

This technique works especially well for single parents. We knew a marvelous woman named Noelle. She told us she used this technique no matter where she was or who she was talking to. She said, "There's a lot of hard things that go with being a single mom. But getting the word out that I think my kids are wonderful has never been one of them. Sure, I don't have a husband around to tell, `Look what a pretty picture Zoe made in school today, daddy,' or `You should have seen Nancy in the debate tournament today. She was awesome!' But I have no shortage of people to brag to. I do most of my bragging in front of my kids. I figure, `Why waste a good brag on someone else?' I might as well do it in front of the people who will get the most out of it — my children. So I tell the checker at the grocery store how smart they are and I tell the lady that scoops our ice cream that I have the most perfect children ever. She said to the kids once, `Are you getting a treat because you were good today?' Before they could answer I said, `No. They are getting some ice cream because they like ice cream. If I had to buy them a treat every time they were good, Haagen-Dasz would have to build a new factory and I'd go broke.'

"On another occasion, I was in a jewelry store with my daughter, Zoe, and the sales lady noticed Zoe admiring all of the pretty jewelry. She came over to us and said to Zoe in a kind, well-meaning voice: `When you grow up you'll have to marry a rich man so he can buy you all these pretty things.' I simply smiled and said, `No, when she grows up she is going to go to college and get a good job and make a lot of her own money and buy her own jewelry.' The sales lady acted a little taken aback by what I said, and a little embarrassed. When she got her wits about her she said, `Well, that's even better!' I didn't mean to embarrass her, but I was more concerned about what was going into my daughter's ears than the sales lady's feelings. When I told the sales lady what my daughter was capable of, I was in essence telling my daughter what I thought she was capable of achieving. I don't think it would ever occur to her that she could not do great things, and I like to reinforce that whenever I can.

"One other incident happened at the doctor's office. I was sitting with my oldest daughter, Nancy, and we were watching a television that had been placed there to distract us from the fact that the doctor was running forty-five minutes late. There was a show about baby animals, and the woman seated next to us commented on the fact that baby things are always so much cuter than grown things. I put my arm around my daughter and I said, `You know that's so true, with one exception.' `What's that?' the woman asked. `Daughters,' I said. `Daughters just keep getting prettier and more lovable the older they get.' Well, the woman gushed and thought it was extraordinary that a mother could talk to her teenage daughter that way, but I don't think of it as extraordinary at all. It's such a simple thing to say out loud, for my children's benefit, what I am thinking to myself anyway. Why shouldn't my children be privy to information that only confirms to them that I think they're wonderful? And why shouldn't everybody know it? It's not like it's some dark family secret. And so every opportunity I get, whether it be at the boutique (`Yes, I agree. My daughter could wear a grain sack and she'd look beautiful.'), or in front of their teachers (`To tell you the truth Mrs. Oliver, she's just as well-behaved at home.'), at the line in the deli, or especially in front of their friends (`You asked how come I'm so cool? Because that's what my daughters deserve.'), I always let my daughters know via other people that they are the greatest kids on the planet."

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