Chapter 4: Start Doing What
Does
The time is always right to do what is right.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.
It makes sense that once you stop doing what doesn't work,
you will need to replace it with something that does. The tricky part presents
itself when you come to the realization that if you knew what does work,
you would already be doing it. We think it's safe to assume that most parents
would do what worked, if they only knew what that was. We don't think parents
look at their sweet, innocent babies lying in the hospital nursery and say
proudly, "Kootchie, kootchie, koo! I'm going to make your life a living
hell, and screw you up while I'm at it. What can I do to make sure you grow up
to be paranoid, insecure, phobic, and angry at the world?" To the
contrary, we think most parents start out with the best of intentions. They
adore their children and would want to do everything they could to assure they
grow up to be healthy, independent, effective and successful, if they only
knew how.
Ready or not
Nobody can blame parents for not knowing how. It's pretty
much a job that many people are catapulted into, ready or not. Unfortunately
for many children, it's easier to become a parent than it is to get a job at a
fast food joint, and many parents start the job with about as much experience
as the sixteen-year-old counter girl who needs a computerized cash register to
tell her exactly how much change to give. It is amazing to us that, aside from
being a parent, every skilled profession that concerns the safety and welfare
of individuals requires months — and sometimes years — of training.
Firefighters must learn about water pressure and wind shifts and back drafts
and lifesaving techniques. Police officers must learn about settling disputes,
using a weapon, driving techniques and crowd control. Airline pilots must
learn about torque, wind velocity, instrumentation and emergency procedures.
They all study manuals and are tested rigorously. Only then are they put out
into the field with experienced trainers who are at their side every step of
the way: demonstrating to them, evaluating them, grading them, making sure
that they are completely qualified before precious lives are put into their
capable hands.
Parents, on the other hand, are not given a training
manual. The only training they receive comes from what they can remember of
their own childhoods, and sometimes that can be less than adequate. There is
no mandatory screening process for parents, no psychological background check
(How well do you rate this applicant under pressure?), no in-service training,
no testing and no grading. You can't major in it in college, and you can't
graduate magna cum laude with a degree in parenting. It's a
learn-as-you-go vocation, and the only measure of your success or failure is
the results you receive when your children are grown. Can you imagine a high
school graduate walking into Johns Hopkins and saying, "I'm here to apply
for the job of surgeon. I don't actually have any experience, but I've seen it
done on "Chicago Hope" a hundred times, and I'm sure I can do
it." Or how about a bored plumber who decides in mid-life that it's time
for a career change. He thinks being a member of a SWAT team is right up his
alley. On his application he states: "I'm good with people, I like
hunting, and come on, how hard can it be?" No one would even think of
hiring these people without the proper training and credentials, and yet
thousands of people are thrust daily into the unbelievably demanding position
of parenting with their only qualifications listed as: (1) I was a kid once.
(2) I can procreate. Well, the latter certainly qualifies a person to be a
parent, but it does not qualify a person to be a good parent.
Win-Win parents to the rescue
Being a good, effective parent has to be learned. If you
did not learn it from your parents, whether they were less than effective or
you just weren't paying attention, you will eventually have to learn it
somewhere if you want your children to succeed. That's where the WIN-WIN
parents who have come before you can help. They're marvelous people who are
not stingy with their success secrets. They were probably the kinds of kids
who gave the other kids the answers to the homework. It may have been
considered cheating in school, but in real life a little help is perfectly
acceptable. We are giving you permission to copy what WIN-WIN parents have
done, and we don't even mind if you tell everyone you thought of it first. The
most important thing is not who came up with the great ideas, but that you
start implementing them today to make the changes that will cause your whole
family to win.
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