by Elaine M. Gibson

A gentleman who is a father, grandfather, and fosterparent made an excellent point that is worth sharing. Bob said that in his years of parenting he had learned an important lesson: "Say 'no' as little as possible."

But wait a minute, aren't parents supposed to be ones to say "no?" I had to think about this. There are times when "no" is the only possible reply. That is obvious, but is that the only time we say no?

We say no for a variety of reasons:

• No, it's too inconvenient!

  If a child's request would take time or energy, we say "no". Where is the parent who has more than enough time or energy? In the chaos of daily living we forget the real priorities in our life. Children deserve a "yes" when it is possible.

  When our kids are small, they always need our help in doing something. Every requests means getting up, stopping, or otherwise interrupting what WE are trying to do to help them with what THEY are trying to do.

  Believe me, I said my share of 'no's' just because I didn't want to take the time or make the effort. My children were always thinking up things to do that required my assistance in some small part. I don't like interruptions and there was always something "important" going on. My true inner desire was to say, "No, not now, not ever! Can't you see I'm busy." Children never seem to need our help at a convenient stopping point.

  Instead of aggravation, I tried to focus on the fact that they WERE THINKING and being creative when they come to me for help. When the kids interrupted asking for help, I tried to say "yes". To do so, I had to focus on the positive aspects and ignore the frustrations of being interrupted. By thinking, "My, but that is creative" or "I'm so glad they know how to entertain themselves", I didn't mind the request and saying "yes" was easier.

   

• No, I can't handle MORE work!

   

  We also tend to say "no" when a child's request will result in more work for parents. This is when we need to say "yes, and...". "Yes, and you may clean it up afterwards." "Yes, and you can help me finish this task first." Agreements and compromises can take the place of "no's".

   

• No, it's dangerous!

   

  We often say an immediate "no" when our children ask permission to do anything that is not absolutely safe. Perhaps it is an instinctive reply to protect our children. We must weigh the risk carefully against our children's need to explore their capabilities. Overly-protective parents seem to only notice the risk. If the risk is not too great and the consequences are reasonable (minor cuts and scrapes and bruises are normal for childhood), we need to say "Yes, go ahead and try it." Children will have a lot of fun and develop remarkable agility and self-assurance. Minor injuries do heal.

  As children get older, the risk change in character and we can no longer supervise every moment. The consequences now include serious mistakes as well as physical injury. Saying "no" to requests becomes an automatic reply if we are not careful. The only way our children will learn is by making their own mistakes. If the consequences will not be too severe, we need to say "yes" at every opportunity. Only by giving our children responsibility and allowing them to experience the consequences of their own actions will they become responsible persons.

  It is never easy to stop protecting our children, but we can't do it forever and letting the ties stretch a little at a time is preferable to the child's struggle to break the ties completely.

   

• No, ...oh well, okay.

   

  What happens if we say "no" too quickly and then change our minds? If we say "no" too quickly, our children will see the unfairness of the situation and will feel shut out and ignored because we didn't even consider their requests. I tell my children, "IF I say no too quickly and you feel that it is unfair, ask me if we can discuss it." I can't tolerate arguing but a discussion is different.

  As soon as a child says, "Can we discuss it?", I know whether or not I've said no too quickly. If I did say a too quick "no", I will say "yes" to the discussion. I ask them for their "yes" reasons and listen to every explanation. Then I give them my reasons for the "no". We work out compromises or arrangements and we all feel satisfied in the end.

Bob's Advice:

Think about your responses and try to say yes as often as possible. You will be surprised at the positive effect it has in your family.