by Elaine M. Gibson

Children under the same roof quarrel, bicker, argue, fight, and engage in other disagreeable forms of socialization. While some amounts are to be expected, there should be more positive feelings than negative ones.

• A desire for a parent's complete attention is the number one reason. If the kids are fighting for the parent's attention, the best solution is to withdraw. Stay out of the way and refuse to be involved. They will find something else to do.
• Kids also pick on each other out of boredom. If there is a lot of uproar about nothing, the kids are probably bored. Turn off the TV and give these kids work to do. If they get too tired to fight, they won't fight.
• Sometimes siblings honestly cannot stand one another. If the argument is a rehash of a long held grievance, the kids are in a genuine conflict situation probably caused by different perspectives or different personalities. They need help.

One mother said she was going to handcuff the two children who fight all the time and throw both into a room. "They'll either learn to get along or one is going to be dragging a dead body." I think she meant it. I don't recommend it however.

1. Prevent physical harm.

   Separate squabbling kids before anger turns into violence.

2. Send both to separate locations.

   China and Australia would be nice but chairs on opposite sides of the room will do. This is absolutely necessary.

3. Don't referee.

   The worst thing you can do is try to decide who is at fault, who should be blamed, or who started it. Eventually, both kids will hate the parent who tries to intervene as the "judge". To at least one child, the parent judge will never seem fair and the other child will say, "See, Mother loves me best!" Bad situation. The question is not who did what but "What are we going to do now?"

4. Use the negotiation technique.

Wonderful solution!

The simplest way to resolve these conflicts is to give the following instructions to both kids.

1. "You may leave your chairs when you give each other permission to do so. You may not get up until your brother gives you permission and he cannot get up until you give him permission." (Repeat to other child.)
2. "When you are both ready to grant permission to each other, then you can get up."
3. "There is no time limit and I, your parent, will not be involved except to enforce the rule. " (Be prepared with consequences for the child who refuses to honor the rule. It will not be necessary more than a few times.)

Sending kids to separate rooms where they cannot come out until they give each other permission works well also. The only warning is that they must be able to hear each other from their doorways.

What to Expect

First, the kids will verbalize all their angry feelings. Be prepared for angry words and outrageous name-calling designed to pull the parent back in. Stay out of ear shot if possible but definitely stay out of the room or hallway.

Ignore the initial outrageous behavior. Under no circumstances should the parent get pulled back in. When the children are certain they are on their own, they will get down to true negotiation and discover the art of compromise. Their solution may not be the one the parent would have selected, but it will always be the one with which the kids are satisfied and willing to honor.

This approach really works and it puts the responsibility where it belongs, on the kids. Evaluating alternatives, problem-solving, negotiating, and compromising are learned skills. Children learn what they experience and this technique teaches children about peace and justice.

Note from Elaine:

I started this technique when my youngest child was two. He learned very quickly to negotiate and compromise without any instruction. He and his older sister used the technique well into their teen years. All I had to say when the quarrels started was, "Go to your rooms." They always worked out something. Sometimes they were out in 2 seconds. One time it took 45 minutes! Their solutions and compromises were ones they could accept and it always worked.