by Elaine M. Gibson

Do your children know what you like about them? Many adults today are still unsure of their parents' love because their parents never conveyed any appreciation for the childÍs positive traits and abilities. Many adults remember hearing about all the things their parents didn't like about them, but they can't seem to remember if there was anything their critical parents liked.

As a parent, I think I understand why such a situation could occur. We feel totally responsible for how our children will "turn out". We want the best for our kids and we want our kids to be the best that they can be. Our intentions may be honorable but our actions can cause real problems.

Some where along the way, under the duress of unkept rooms and unkept bodies, we lose sight of a most important goal -- children who feel good about themselves, who feel loved and capable. Our perspective gets too narrow as we constantly look toward the child's future instead of appreciating our children as they are, in the moment. We pay more attention to how they will "turn out" someday than to what they need from us now. Such a narrow parental view makes us very critical of our children's every error and superficial flaw. Negative comments or corrective orders become the only form of communication between parent and child. We hear ourselves saying the same things over and over again in the mistaken belief that we will somehow magically create the adult we want our child to be.

"Stand up straight. Don't talk with your mouth full. Don't interrupt. You are not going out of here looking like that. `Ain't' isn't a word." Our child does something perfectly normal for a child. We start thinking, "Oh no, he will be this way forever!" Then, we feel obligated to say something, otherwise known as griping, nagging, or criticizing.

It is easy to notice our children when they are not what we want them to be, or when they are doing something we don't want them to be doing. We get so caught up in correcting our kids that we forget to notice what they do well; we forget that they have positive, likable qualities.

What have you said to your children today? How many times have you corrected a child's behavior or speech? Or how many times have you mentioned that one thing your child always does that drives you batty and ordered it stopped? Have you already complained about the same old hassle item? Is it the child's room, appearance, or choice of activities that you discuss in detail? Between orders and complaints, have you recognized anything positive in your children?

Now I realize that some children are short on positive qualities, and all of them are short on positive at certain stages of development. No one wants to re-live life with a two and a half year old or a fifteen year old. Those are the times when we love them but we find very little to like about their daily behavior; but every child, at every stage of development, has special qualities and abilities that need to be recognized.

All children need positive recognition from their parents, the people who love them the most. Loving them is not enough. We need to let them know what we like about them more often than we let them know what we don't like. One child guidance specialist suggests sandwiching every negative comment that we MUST make between two positive statements.

For most of us, just making sure we say two or three nice things to each child every day is a challenge. We get so caught up in the daily hassles of being a parent that we forget how much simple words can mean to our children. Giving compliments can actually make the job of parenting easier. If we practice giving compliments as well as complaints, our children will respond more favorably to the deserved suggestions. Children must know that we recognize their positive traits as well as the less than desirable ones before they will listen.

A bit of practical wisdom we often give our children works just as well for parents, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything." The next time we feel compelled to correct or criticize a child, we can stop and ask ourself, "When was the last time I noticed something good about this child and TOLD THE CHILD that I noticed?" If it has been awhile, we can say something positive about the child before delivering the negative message ...and after. Our children need to know that there are things we like about them and they need to know it now.