by Elaine M. Gibson

Source: The DIfficult Child by Dr. Stanley Turecki and personal experience.

" Ok, they're aren't doing it on purpose... but something has to be done!"

The management process is identical but each trait requires specific knowledge:

1. First, recognize how the trait affects the child's behavior. (Definition)
2.  
3. Second, avoid the incorrect labels that demean the child and pass judgment. (Inappropriate descriptions)
4.  
5. Third, label the true behavior for the child. Use consistent phrases so the child will understand what is happening and can relate to your expectations. (Say This)
6.  
7. Finally, take action. Do what needs to be done in a positive manner. Remember, the child is not doing this "on purpose." (Do This)

To go directly to:

• Highly active
• Distractible
• Irregular, unpredictable
• Low sensory threshold
• Negative mood
• Non-persistent
• Tempermental tantrums/fits
• Locked-in behavior
• References
• FAQs
• Note to Parents of ADD children

Definition: Very active; always into things; makes you tired; gets wild or "revved up", loses control, hates to be confined.

Inappropriate descriptions:Interrupts, wild, destructive, uncontrolled.

Say this:

Examples -- "You're overexcited." "I think you are getting too revved up." "You are beginning to lose control."

Do this:

Intervene early. Provide quiet distraction. Provide cooling off time/space. Provide space for blowing off steam.

Definition:

has trouble concentrating and paying attention, especially if not interested; doesn't "listen".

Inappropriate descriptions:

forgetful, irresponsible, absent-minded, lazy.

Say this:

Examples -- "I know it's hard for you to pay attention." "I need to see your eyes when I'm talking to you."

Do this:

Establish eye contact, by touch if necessary. Give short instructions. Reduce distractions.

Irregular, unpredictable

Definition:

unpredictable needs; child is never hungry or tired at predictable times; moods change suddenly.

Inappropriate descriptions:

uncooperative, loner, moody.

Say this:

Examples --"I know you are not hungry now. I'll put your plate in the refrigerator and you can eat your meal when you are hungry." "I know you are not sleepy now, but it is time to be in your bedroom."

Do this:

Separate mealtime from eating time; bedtime from sleep time. Create routines, even if they are unusual. Be flexible.

Definition:

extreme sensitivity to sounds, lights, colors, textures, temperature, pain, tastes, smells; clothes have to feel right which makes dressing a problem; doesn't like the way many foods taste; seems to overreact to minor cuts and scrapes; feels too warm or too cold when others don't; may tantrum.

Inappropriate descriptions:

fussy, picky, particular, hard to please.

Say this:

Examples -- "I know that really bothers you." "I know this tastes funny to you." Acknowledge the child's perceptions as valid for the child.

Do this:

Recognize that the child is really bothered and not just being contrary. Do not challenge the child's perception. Treat related behavior as relevant. Make the child comfortable. Give the child permission to make himself comfortable.

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Definition: Child's first reaction to a new stimulus or idea is always negative. May appear cranky or serious. Not happy about very many things. "Looks for problems." "Glass is always half-empty."

Inappropriate descriptions: Complaining, whining, pouting, sulks, gripes, never satisfied.

Don't Say Anything:

You cannot make things better for this child/person. Keep your reaction neutral and give the person time to adjust or get on with life. To yourself say, "This is the way he/or she is; they can't help it. It's not a personal attack on me or my ideas."

Do this:

There is nothing you can do to change this child. Recognize that the behavior is the child's temperament and there is nothing wrong with the child. Ignore as much of the negative content as possible. Do not try to make this child happy. It will only make things worse.

Definition:

gives up easily; can not handle delayed gratification; never finishes anything; quits projects before completion; short attention span, especially when not interested.

Inappropriate descriptions:

lazy; irresponsible; quitter; doesn't try hard enough.

Say

Only positive things. Encourage, encourage, encourage. Avoid negative feedback and criticism at all costs.

Do this:

Break projects down into small steps. Teach in small steps. Provide small successes along the way.

See Attention Deficit Disorder.

Q: Will this change the behavior?

A: It will improve the outcome. Things will not escalate into a full scale war. Everyone will feel better.

Q: If I do this for my child, won't he just get worse? How will he learn to get along in life?

A: Children with these traits have a long way to go. They need to learn skills for adapting to the demands and requests of the environment. If they don't feel psychologically threatened, they are more willing to adapt. As they learn adaptation techniques, they begin to use them for themselves.

Q: What happens when the parent loses control?

A: Parents aren't perfect and many parents have the same traits. A cooling off period and sincere apologies are in order. We can think about how to handle it next time. Parenting difficult children is hard enough without carrying around guilt. Do what you can in the moment and try again.

Q: What if no one understands what I am trying to do?

A: Like they understand now? Give up caring what other people think. It's a waste of time. The only thing that matters is that BOTH parents follow this plan.

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While this management guide does not directly address the medical condition of Attention Deficit Disorder, a cluster of these traits is obvious in most ADD individuals. See 30 Tips on Managing ADD at Home by Drs. Hallowell and Ratey.

An evaluation by a psychiatrist who knows what to look for in ADD would be my primary advice. Medication often corrects the neurological imbalances that make these traits seem like personality. As any parent can tell you, the ADD child has been the same way since birth. The management techniques work with ADD kids. After all, they are not doing it on purpose and they need desparately for others to know that.
E. Gibson