There is no better gift to give our children during the holidays than relaxed and loving time with the family. Children need their parents' attention and love more than any gift.

I realize that is not what they say when asked, "What do you want for Christmas?" Most kids can name off forty items advertised on television yesterday that they really, really, really want. We could buy everything on their lists and Christmas could still leave the family feeling empty, sad, and exhausted.

To our hectic lives, Christmas often brings more work, more responsibilities, and more commitments. December can be a very busy month for parents. For children, it can be the loneliest month of the year. In our efforts to make everything special for the holidays, we often neglect our children. "Go watch TV so we can wrap presents, shop, address cards, plan a party, prepare for guests", etc. etc. etc.

A lonely child is not going to appreciate the Christmas season. Parents know that neglected children are unhappy children who cause all sorts of problems. Years ago, my daughter's kindergarten teacher introduced me to a wonderful book,

How to Unplug the Christmas Machine

The authors' main point:

During the Christmas season, children need relaxed and loving time with the family most of all.

As I was reading the book, we received two Advent Counters from a dear friend of the family. I was supposed to tie on twenty-five pieces of candy so that the children could remove one piece each day in December. The kids were three and five years old at the time and I did not want to give candy each day.

We decided to give our time instead. On small slips of paper, I wrote some activity for that day which would be done with that child or as a family. Sometimes the activity was as simple as "You get to choose the book we read before bed." Other slips included:

• Shopping with Mom
• Shopping with Dad
• Lunch with Mom
• Lunch with Dad
• Family walk after dark
• You choose the family game after dinner
• Mom's help making a Christmas gift.

I studied my calendar, the television guide, the community calendar of events, and the school calendar and added the special events we would share:

• Watch Rudolph and Frosty
• Attend the Tree Lighting ceremoney in the Park
• Attend "The Nutcracker".

Regular family traditions were also included:

• Make gingerbread houses
• Get a Christmas tree
• Decorate the tree
• Hang stockings
• Take an evening drive and look at Christmas lights.

I carefully matched the messages to the appropriate days of December, rolled the scripts and noted the date on the outside, then attached all twenty-five secret scrolls to the Counters. (Because they were secret, I could rearrange if necessary and often did on the night before a potential problem. After the first year, I kept a master list on my calendar as well.)

Each morning the kids would jump out of bed and read their personal messages for the day. We probably would have done most of the things listed in the scrolls anyway, but this made it special. They loved the surprise and we enjoyed counting the days off with them.

On Christmas morning, before running to the tree and their presents, our children untied their 25th scroll to see what it said. At that point, it was obvious that the book was right. Children really want loving time spent with their parents more than anything else. Day 25 said, "Two hours of play time with your parents."

Many years later, I asked the kids for their favortie Christmas traditions. Their first choice was "the Advent things". It is my favorite as well. Of course the events changed as the kids got older. I still changed activities in the middle of the night when necessary. That ended when one said, "That's not what it said yesterday. I accidently looked because I took the wrong one off." That ended late-night switches.

When there is no time, how do we spend more time with our children? If our priorities are in order, we can choose to eliminate the non-essentials and concentrate on the family time we need.

It is important to remember that attention and love are the best gifts we can give our children. It is important to remember that no amount of money will substitute for the gift of loving time.