Four A's of Parenting

Most of the conversation between parent and child concerns "Stop that!" and "Do this!." In the course of a day, it is easy for parents to spend more time giving "orders" than communicating "caring". As parents, we must of course guide our children as they learn the ways of social behavior. It is necessary to teach them what is acceptable (we do this) and unacceptable (we don't do this) behavior.

• It's time to get up, hurry or you'll be late for school.
• Don't talk with your mouth full.
• Wipe your hands on your napkin, not your shirt.
• Don't forget your lunch money.
• Comb your hair before you leave this house.
• Come straight home from school.
• Wash your hands before dinner.
• Don't talk with your mouth full.
• Wipe your hands on your napkin, not your shirt.
• Take your bath.
• Go to bed.
• Stop jumping on the bed.
• Go to sleep now!

Sometimes, we get so caught up in the "orders" that we forget to say other things to our children as well. We know that we take care of our children because we love them but that is not what they hear. We can make an effort to communicate our love to them in a way that kids will understand, "They love me!"

Everyday we need to give our children the "4 A's":

• attention
• acceptance
• approval
• and affection.

Any behavior that draws a great deal of attention, positive or negative responses, will be repeated. Obviously, the best way to direct our children to "good" behaviors is to notice them when they are doing what we want them to do -- catch them being good! To practice this technique, we simply describe the behavior we want repeated any time we see it. Instead of "praising" the child ("You are such a good boy!"), we should recognize the behavior and compliment the child.

• I like the way you put your things away. The room certainly looks neat.
• You settled that argument without anyone getting angry. That was real diplomacy.
• You were so patient waiting for your dinner. I appreciate that.
• Someone remembered to hang the towels up in the bathroom. That's great.
• You took all your dishes to the sink. You are a real helper.
• I like the way you take care of your books. That is being responsible.
• You let your friend have first choice, you are very considerate.

Regardless of their behaviors, all children are good. We can pay attention to their good behaviors and catch them "being good". We can communicate acceptance to our children every day. Kids, especially difficult kids, need to know that we love them all the time even when we do not approve of their behavior, "I love you. I do not like what you did. Do this instead." When a child makes mistakes, we must be very careful to disapprove of the behavior, not the child. Children should NEVER be told "You are a bad boy" or "You are a bad girl". We can condemn the behavior without damning the child. Children are not miniature adults with bad judgment. They are always learning and that means making mistakes.

Approval also needs to be communicated every day. We give our children approval when we accept them as individuals. "I like you just the way you are." Children need to hear compliments about their unigueness. "I love you" is not enough. Children need to know how special we think they are. The last A is affection. Words are terrific but hugs are better. Physically touching a child to convey affection builds a relationship. Everyone needs to be hugged and to give hugs. When children are small, touching is part of basic care. Those quick hugs, pats, and kisses are just part of the routine and do not require any extra effort. As children become more independent, they spend less time next to a parent. We have to think about close contact and make time for affection as our children get older. Hugging is one of the best habits; we are never too big or too old for a hug.

We can try to spend more time giveing the 4 A's than on barking orders. The rewards are enormous.