This is one of my favorite letters from parents because it is so typical of young children and young parents. My response follows:

Elaine,

My son was four years old last month and he is precious. We don't have problems with him except for one. The problem is the things he says in public about EVERYTHING. I get very embarrassed and I don't know how to handle the times it happens. He pointed at a woman who was very overweight in the mall and said, "Mommy, why is that lady so fat?" He is not a quiet child and I'm sure the woman heard him.

He is also interested in wheelchairs and stares at anybody in one. He wants one for his birthday! When he points at a wheelchair, I'm sure the person in it thinks my son is pointing at him. I could die. He also asks me questions at bad times. He asked me how babies got out of their mommys in the check out line of the grocery store last week. The more I tried to get him to be quiet, the louder he got. I'm sure everyone had a good laugh after we left.

I'd tell you more things he has said but I'm not sure you could print them. What do I do to keep these things from happening? How do I handle it when it does? I'm afraid to go to the grocery store!

Signed,
Mortified

Dear Mortified,

Buy your groceries.

Anyone who has survived life with a four year old will understand when your child asks embarrassing questions. You don't have to worry about what those people are thinking. People without children could never understand what you are going through. There is nothing you can do about what they think and therefore, no need to worry about it.

Fortunately, parents understand their children's language much sooner than other people. What sounds perfectly clear to Mother may be unintelligible to other adults. There is always the hope that no one else understood what your child said.

As you have discovered, the worst thing you can do is to try and silence the child. You are better off answering the child as simply and honestly as possible. Follow that with distraction if possible.

Q: "Why is that lady so fat?"
A: "People come in all sizes. What size are you?"

Q: "How do babies get out?"
A: There is a special opening for babies. I will show you how it works in a picture book at home. Would you like to choose your own gum?"

A Need to Know

Take your son to a medical supplies store and let him look at wheelchairs. Perhaps the store will let him ride in one. When your son sees a wheelchair with a person in it, teach him to speak to the person. No one resents a sincere hello from a child.

Children ask questions because they have a need to know. Discuss things when you are alone with your child and there will be fewer inappropriate questions in public. Read books about real life topics and talk about them. There are many books about sex, handicaps, and racial differences available for preschoolers.

A four year old is an observer of the world and a sponge ready to soak up all the information he can find. In the beginning, a child is not trying to embarrass adults, he needs to know the answers. Parents can handle this well if they react calmly to the child's curiosity.

Don't be TOO Amused.

There is one thing worse than being embarrassed by the child's questions, -- being delighted! If adults laugh at the child's questions, consider the incidents "cute", and tell everyone about the latest cute remarks, the child will learn to be an obnoxious showoff. After a while, it won't be cute.

Relax, it's just a stage.

As experienced mothers know, the four year old "why?" is a stage. Stay calm and tell yourself how proud you are of his curiosity. In another year, the questions will get tougher but he will ask them in private, thank goodness!