Our children must be able to make all their decisions by the time they are eighteen years old. That means at nine years of age, they should be making half their own decisions.

A mother said this during a conversation once and it continues to be one of my favorite pieces of wisdom.

On a very cold Saturday morning many years ago, I overhead several parent-child conversations as I was standing outside the school gym following basketball games. Teams of third and fourth graders had completed their games and were walking out of the gym with their parents. Almost every parent was telling a hot, sweaty kid to put his coat on. The kids were telling their parents, "I'm not cold, I don't want my coat." Arguments ensued across the parking lot.

My husband and then ten year old son walked out of the gym laughing and talking about the game. My husband was wearing his coat. Chuck hadn't bothered to bring one to the game because he knew wouldn't need it. He didn't need it. That decision was his to make and had been for a long time.

Children have a need to make decisions for themselves. When parents don't allow a child to make decisions, power struggles follow on every front. Children must learn to submit to parental authority, but that is a much easier, happier task when they can make some of their own decisions.

Deciding whether they are hot or cold is certainly a decision a child has a right to make. When we respect a child's decision, we show respect for the child. Children can not decide so many things to directly affect their health, safety, and well-being.

Safe Areas for Decisions

One area where children can make decisions is in clothing. A two year old can be given choices between two things. "Do you want to wear your red shirt or blue shirt?" IF at 2 1/2 she chooses the green shirt, let her wear it. She still can't play in the street but the shirt she wears doesn't matter.

A child should be deciding what to wear to school by the time they are in kindergarten. A parent decides which clothes to buy and which clothes to designate as school clothes. Of course they make bad choices on some days. But they learn. Chuck's combinations ranged from peculiar to downright weird at times. He would ask us how he looked and if we told him what we thought, he got his feelings hurt.

I told his dad to say, "You look great" no matter what. The next morning, Chuck came in for inspection wearing the ugliest combination of colors and patterns to date. "How does this look, Dad?" "You look great, son."

The following morning, his sister Erin was having trouble deciding what to wear. She asked Chuck his opinion on what she had chosen. Chuck told her, "I don't know. Go ask Dad. I thought what I had on yesterday looked awful but Dad said it looked good."

We overheard this conversation from our bedroom and after we stopped laughing, I told my husband, "Never mind, tell him the truth!" My rule is simple: You must look kept. I would rather people not think my kids are street orphans. Other than that, clean is more important than cute or coordinated.

Every morning of their school lives, the kids selected what they wanted to wear for the day. Sometimes they looked weird but they were happy with their choices. Besides peculiar outfits, children will initially choose clothes that are inappropriate for the weather. Don't tell them what they need to do. We don't have to tell children everything. They are capable of learning on their own. They won't take your advice anyway.

Realize first that children won't catch pneumonia and die if they don't wear a sweater. If a child spends one very uncomfortable day, they will make a better choice tomorrow. I was amazed at how quickly my children learned to step outside in the morning and judge for themself what they needed to wear. They learned to check the outside thermometer, call the time and temperature recording, and watch the weather channel. It was their responsibility and they enjoyed making that decision without interference. Sometimes, they actually asked our advice! We never argued or fought over something so trivial.

It may be a small matter, but it's the small matters that present opportunities to show respect for our children and their choices. I saw proof every day that they could evaluate alternatives, make decisions, and be accountable for their choices. The area in which we let our children make their own decisions is not as important as the fact that we do. We must give up absolute control in order for our children to control themselves. We have eighteen years to ease ourselves out of the picture. There is no need for a win-lose power struggle. If we do it well, we all win.

See also: "Clothing Allowance"-- Fighting over clothes is unnecessary. This is an opportunity to learn real-life skills.