Children have a pure "sense of knowing" when it comes to
dealing with adult communications. No matter what we say, children KNOW what
we mean. Sometimes children seem to have extra sensory perception in
"reading" adults. Without debating ESP, we know that children do
not rely on spoken words to understand the meaning of adult messages.
Words aren't necessary
We all communicate in ways other than words. One researcher has said that
only 7% of communication is verbal, or in words. Vocal expression, such as
volume, pitch, and rhythm, account for 38% of any message. The remaining 55%
of communication is through body movements, most of which are facial
expressions. Without understanding language, babies can understand parental
messages at a very early age.
Children rely on the 93% of non-verbal communication to tell them what is
going on. That is why children demand face-to-face communication and prefer
eye contact when talking.
Straight messages
As children become proficient in language, they expect straight messages
from the people who care for them. A straight message is one in which words,
vocal expression, and body movements are all congruent. Children need the
congruency to feel secure and safe. If the message is not straight, if the
words say one thing but the tone and facial expression say another, the
child is confused. When children are confused, they feel threatened.
Dishonest messages
Parents send messages that are not straight in at least two
circumstances:
- when they try too hard to be a perfect parent
- when they try to protect their child from experiencing negative
feelings.
Suppressing "bad" feelings
Perfect parents never feel angry, annoyed, frustrated, or aggravated with
their children. Perfect parents do not exist; normal parents DO get annoyed,
aggravated, frustrated, and angry. When normal parents have such negative
feelings, they sometimes try too hard to control the feelings. "Trying
too hard" means suppressing the feelings and not admitting that one
really feels some way. Parents sometimes think that saying, "I am not
angry", will somehow prove that they are not a parent who gets angry
because only bad parents get angry with their children.
Useless cover-ups
Negative feelings can not be denied. If we are feeling frustrated or
angry, we need to understand why and work on the cause. Covering up with
sweet words through clenched teeth is not healthy, for parent or child!
Besides, children just plain won't buy the cover-up. They know what we are
feeling regardless of the words we use. It is better to express genuine
feelings, even when they are negative. Children become confused and anxious
when trying to respond to ambiguous or contradictory messages.
Good and angry
Genuine feelings need to be expressed without regard for appearances. It
is better to be good and angry than to try to be a "good" parent
that never gets angry. Children don't expect perfect parents; they do expect
parents who are honest about their feelings. Children are not fragile. They
can handle honest negative feelings better than sugar sweet words that are
meant as a disguise for true feelings.
If it's not okay, say so
Communication problems also develop when parents try to protect their
children from negative situations by giving "everything is okay"
messages when nothing is really okay. The children always know that
something is wrong. Their imaginations can actually create situations more
stressful than the truth. It is silly to tell children "everything is
just fine" when it is not. Children can see the truth, regardless of
what we say.
Explain the truth
When something serious is going on in a family, it is better to explain
the situation than to let the children assume that they are causing the
problem. Parental statements intended to hide difficult situations cause
children to feel terribly insecure. Feelings simply cannot be hidden from
children. When parents are upset, nervous, worried, or troubled and trying
to hide such feelings, the children will automatically think they (the kids)
are to blame.
Tough kids
Again, children are not fragile. They deal better with the truth than
they do with mixed messages. As parents, we need to make sure that what we
are saying matches what we are feeling. Our children know the difference.
