Good decision-making
begins with small choices

It is easy to tell children what to do and when to do it; what to wear and how to wear it; what, when, where and how to eat; what to say and what not to say; what to think; what to feel. No wonder kids start complaining about being bossed around all the time. It's easy to tell them. Getting them to do anything is a different matter.

For parents, bossing is a quick response and seems faster than offering choices and holding children accountable for their decisions. However, bossing doesn't work. It creates time-consuming problems and it deprives children of opportunities for learning to make decisions.

There is a better way: We can offer choices.

As parents, we need to be aware of our responsibilities in matters of choice. We present safe, acceptable, reasonable alternatives in matters of preference. This is more complex than saying, "Which one do you want?"

1. First, the choices must be real and the options must be possible.

   If a child is offered a choice of grilled cheese or tuna sandwiches for lunch, there better be bread, cheese, and tuna available. Kids hate being given an option, selecting that option, then being told "Oops, sorry about that. You'll have to have the other." The offer of two choices is ideal for a two year old. Older kids can be offered more alternatives but don't offer too many. It's confusing.

2. We also need to make certain that every option is acceptable.

   If a child is given a list of options, one of which the parent really finds unacceptable, the child will ALWAYS choose the unacceptable option. The battle that ensues is totally the parent's fault. Offer only acceptable options when giving a child a choice.

3. If all options are acceptable, we must resist the urge to talk a child out of his or her choice and into ours.

   "No, you don't really want that. Wouldn't you rather have this? Why not? Come on, do it my way." Parents who have invested too much of their own ego in their kids can't allow their kids to be different from them, even in small matters.

4. We need to think of choice situations as legally binding verbal contracts.

   The kids do. If we foolishly offer an unacceptable option and the child takes it (of course they will), we need to accept the consequences of our foolish behavior and learn from the mistake. Sometimes a child can be bribed into another choice. Think of this as an out-of-court settlement.

Children learn many lessons by making choices.

• They learn that every choice is connected to consequences.

  In the early years, if a child chooses cereal for breakfast, she gets cereal. She can choose not to eat it and be hungry. No one starts the waffles or the eggs after the cereal has been served just because the little darling changed her mind. Such a simple lesson teaches children that their choices will have a consequence.

  NOTE: When choices do not affect or inconvenience other people, a change of mind can be acceptable.

• Children can also learn that there is a time limit for decisions.

  If they are allowed to dawdle and to change their minds every other second, the process becomes a game for attention. The way to stop such attention-getting behavior is to set a time limit for the decision. "You decide before I count to 10." If the child refuses, the parent makes the decision. Next time, the child will decide.

• Children learn that they will be held accountable for each choice.

  It is a parent's responsibility to hold the child accountable. Choice without consequence does nothing to teach decision-making skills. Choice with consequences provides experience in thinking, decision-making, and problem-solving. Aren't these the skills we want for our children?

• Children learn that some choices will produce results that are not pleasant.

  We must be firm and allow our children to experience the emotional pain of learning from their own mistakes. Experience is the best teacher only when experienced. We cannot protect our children from painful lessons by telling them what they should have learned. In hopes of being "a nice guy" now and protecting our kids, we can actually hurt them in the long run.

  It is much better for them to learn with simple, non-dangerous mistakes -- even if the mistakes are unpleasant. As they get older, the same lessons will get harder and the mistakes more serious.

Just for the record, not every situation offers the opportunity for choosing.

Sometimes "not choosing" is the only possible choice such as when matters of health and safety are concerned. Parents need to provide plenty of "small" choices to make up for the no-choice times. The kids need practice making choices. If we want our teenagers to make good decisions, we must provide opportunities for practice when they are toddlers.

If we expect an 18 year old to make good decisions for himself, by the age of 9, shouldn't a child be making half of all the decisions?