Too Much Attention --
As Bad as Too Little
by Elaine M. Gibson
Proud, happy parents enjoy their children and do
not mean to harm them yet too much attention can do
just that.
In these days of smaller and smaller families, it
is quite easy to go overboard on attention. The
problems are not apparent in the beginning but
within a few years, an attention-addicted child is a
serious problem.
When many children are suffering from neglect, it
seems strange to imply that too much attention can
be a problem. For children, too much attention can
produce many of the same behaviors seen in
attention-starved youngsters. Both extremes produce
demanding, insecure children. The neglected child is
never sure of love since he has never experienced
it. The attention-addicted child is insecure due to
a fear that the attention will stop.
Attention Addicted
If a child is always the center of attention and
adult needs and rights are totally ignored, the
child will become attention-addicted. There will
never be enough. When this happens, parents become
frustrated and angry with the child and the
attention continues, but in negative ways. To a
child, attention is attention, regardless of it's
character.
Masters of Manipulation
When parents try to do other things, the
attention addicted child will develop very
manipulative behaviors to maintain the interaction.
Some children became extremely demanding and
aggressive, others become passive and helpless. They
do whatever works for them. In the end, the child is
truly dependent and unhappy since there is never
enough attention to satisfy the child.
There are basically two ways this happens:
- Every parent thinks their child is adorable
and wonderful, but some parents gain
personal satisfaction by showing everybody
else their family star.
If a child is displayed at every
opportunity and urged to perform, the
problems can begin. The performance may be
evidence of precocious behavior or learned
tricks. A child who learns to exist in the
spotlight will have a difficult time when
the spotlight is turned off. The greatest
problem will be in sharing the spotlight
with the next sibling.
Children do not need to be dressed like
little dolls and adored. They need to loved
and given the opportunity to be part of the
family, not the star of the family. Children
need to be respected and not exhibited.
- The second path to attention-addiction is
taken by parents who give up all their
rights for the sake of the child.
- Parents can avoid this trap by
maintaining a life of their own and
respecting their own rights.
Insisting that a child sleep in
their own bed for instance, is a
positive step toward that child's
independence. Insisting that a child
go to bed at a reasonable hour is
also a good thing to do. Parents
need private time. It is healthy for
a marriage and healthy for the child
to understand that there are limits
and parents need time for each
other.
- Providing a child a book to look at
while Mom or Dad reads a grown up
book is a good thing to do. There
are times to read to the child and
there are times for parents to read
to themselves. If a parent refuses
to stop (even though comprehension
may be hopeless with a preschooler
screaming at one's knees), the child
will learn to respect the parent's
right for personal time.
- Children should not be allowed to
interrupt adult conversations. They
can be taught how to let their
presence be known without
interrupting. Show a preschooler how
to lay one hand on the adults arm or
leg and wait patiently until the
adult can speak with the child. By
covering the child's hand with one's
own, the child understands that the
parent knows he is there.
Parents must not give in by
lecturing the child on not
interrupting and then saying,
"What do you want?" The
child who is allowed to interrupt,
will continue to do so as long as he
gets the adults complete attention.
Mom and Dad may need to go into
their room and lock the door to keep
a child from interrupting their
conversation. If they do, the child
will learn that it is better to be
quiet and with Mom and Dad than to
interrupt and be without them.
We must pay attention to our children. They
cannot thrive without it. At the same time, we harm
our children if we do not set limits. By respecting
our own rights, we teach our children to respect us.
We also prevent the damage that attention-addiction
can do to a child and the family.
