Anti-arguing Instructions

by Elaine M. Gibson

Arguments tend to be of two types: the argument that follows a parent's request: and the argument that follows a child's request. The following techniques address both kinds of arguments with one goal -- To Stop Arguing!

The Broken Record Technique

From Lee Canter's Assertive Discipline for Parents

For the argument that follows a parent's request (command)

1. If the child starts to argue instead of doing what a parent requested, the parent merely repeats the request as originally stated -- like a broken record.
    
   • Use the exact same words, same tone, same volume, same intonation every time the request is repeated.
2. No matter what the child says, the parent repeats the original request for a set number of times. Three times is plenty.
3. If there is no compliance before the set number of requests, PRE-SET consequences apply.

For this technique to be successful:

1. Determine consequences for non-compliance ahead of time. Discuss this with children before it is an issue. Goal: Cooperation. Determine consequences : Time-Out, removal of privilege, etc. Determine rewards for fast compliance if a behavior modification plan is in place.
2. When a child complies quickly, notice! Thank them for their cooperation. Tell them how pleased you are that they chose to cooperate. It is their choice, you know.
3. Since you know what you will do if (when) they do not comply, there is no need to get upset. It is easy to maintain control when you know what you will do.
4. Don't be surprised by non-compliance. Expect it. That's the way kids test the limits.
5. Enforce the consequences. That's how parents maintain authority.

Rimm's Anti-arguing Instructions

From Syvlia Rimm's How to Parent So Children Will Learn

For the argument (nagging) that follows a child's request:

1. Do not say yes or no immediately. (Arguers always choose an inconvenient time to approach you because they instinctively know when you are vulnerable).
2. After the request, ask them for their reasons. (If you have asked for their reasons, in writing if necessary, they cannot accuse you of not listening.)
3. Say, "Let me think about this. I'll get back to you (in a few minutes, after dinner for a small request; tomorrow or the weekend for a larger one.)
4. If they want an answer now, the answer is "no."
5. Think about their requests and their reasons. If your answer is yes, smile and be enthusiastic. If you need a compromise solution, explain your position.
6. If the answer is no (and you do have the right and obligation to say no sometimes even if it is because you are too tired), then say no firmly. Include your reason as part of your refusal. Don't change your decision (for at least 90% of the time.) Don't engage in further discussions. Don't feel guilty. (See Broken record technique!)
7. Remind them that you have heard their request, you've listened to their reasons, you've taken time to think about it carefully, you've given your answer and your reasons and the discussion is over. If below the age of ten, send to room for Time Out if arguing continues.

If they're too big for time-outs, you go calmly to YOUR room and lock your door. If they beat at the door, ignore them.

Advantages

• The parent can remain rational.
• It teaches children to be patient.
• Since arguers are often dominant, manipulative children, they know that being "good" increases the likelihood of a "yes" response.

Expect your children to learn the following facts of life:

• Parents have earned the privilege of saying no.
• Parents are positive, fair, and rational even if their children don't always agree with them.

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